I am always sick to my stomach,
shaking and numb.
Incapable of feeling neither
sadness or love.

I fought through flames thinking I had
emerged unscathed,
Only bearing wounds beneath my surface,
Am I weak or am I brave?

Holding my breath under the covers as I count the moves that led me here,
Holding on to every word you had said,
so close and so dear.

I paint vibrant images in my mind that I cannot replicate on paper,
I am convinced I can do everything on my own now,  
I am my own savior.

My edges have grown so rigid and cold,
and I am too young to feel this old.
Looking out the window tracing my finger over the hills in the distance,
Wondering if one day I'll ever think back and miss this.

The way you ran your hands over the bones in my hips,
Caressing my thighs and biting my lips.
You are gone but never too be forgotten,
I will always have the memory of you to forever get lost in.

A long car ride on a hot summer day,
Driving fast past the trees.

Your hand grasping my thigh tightly,
As you whisper "you're always such a tease"

I wear a little white dress,
With easy access.

Your hand makes its way slowly up my thigh.
As I let out a long, drawn out sigh.

My head now leaning against the cold window,
You retract your hand and the car begins to slow.

The sun illuminates the reds in my hair,
I run through the tall grass young and without a care.

You stand behind watching from afar,
Snapping pictures of the trees,
Of me,
Of your car.

I make my way back to you,
Standing closely by your side,
You take my hand in yours,
Asking me if I mind.

Our love forbidden by the decades in between,
We always said age was just a number,
And nothing ever is as it seems.

I wake up lonely,
It was only just a dream.

Why is it that I always shake when I'm anxious?
Re-reading our old messages, and skipping through pages.
You enjoyed every inch of every word that I had said,
I yearn so deeply to be the only thought that runs through your head.

I replay in my mind every second of our last conversation,
The tension that hung heavy in a room where my words now stay wasted,
On a man who only pretended he cared,
All the promises he made tucked messily in a box somewhere.

I am now neurotic and obsessive,
But I'm young and won't learn my lesson.

I'll spend the next few months dreaming of you as I lay in bed,
Shaking and cold and out of breath,

Because I tossed away, into you, all that I had left.

Remember our plans for the cruise to Alaska?
I had dreams about that trip for a long while after.
Snowy hills, and crisp cold air,
Polaroids of the dark grey ocean in a pile somewhere.  

You said I was intelligent and pretty,
Although I  always felt more annoying than witty.
And I know I didn't go about things in a conventional way,
But I still pray every night that I'll see you again someday.

Before me you explained that you've  been left without love and a broken heart,
And I promised i'd never do that to you from the start,
Maybe I've failed you and pushed you back into your shell,
But I've always hoped you were nothing other than well.

I always reflect on your stories about back then,
The 90's getting drunk to A Perfect Circle with your best friend,
I listen to that album now on repeat almost everyday,
It reminds me of you and all the things I wish I could say.

And as chills make their way down my spine,
I envision a future time when everything will be fine,
Even if it's never anything more than just friends,
I hope to be able to speak with you again.

With your big blue eyes,
And your warm heart,
I wish there was a button where I could press re-start,
On a story that could have been so much more,
But is now left unanswered behind a closed door.

It's been a while since I've written a poem,
But I knew that no matter what you deserved your own.
I'll go to sleep tonight and dream about Alaska,
Your warm hands around my waist snapping pictures of the snowy pastures
Coated in new beginnings and what could have been,
We'll talk about how we'll never go home ever again.