becoming an entire person
is an insurmountable task

tossing the barrier that i built
to the side
leaving me exposed
admitting fault
rekindling faded out relationships

revealing why you vanished
and how you reached that precipice
deciding to turn back
for one more go at life

living a godless live
is one without the fears
of regular enjoyments.

to live a godless life
is to see everything
for what it really is.

keeping people in my life is next to impossible.
they leave
they always do.

then i'm left
standing alone
feeling hollow.
with no options of escape
from this god awful life.

left with no one to turn to.
but self pity doesn't get you far.
so i soldier on
with a forever emptiness.

i'm ******
i can't tell people anything
i can't show
how melancholy i am.

asking for help in a floundering family
making things worse for those i love
in a family full of mental illness
letting them know that i've got it too
i can't do that to them.

i'm supposed to be the normal one
i can't say that i'm almost always thinking of death
so i contain it
and suffer in silence.

it seems like the easiest option
for everyone around me
i abandon my friends
so they won't know
and i only say the bare minimum
to those around me.

he doesn't know
that i've been suicidal
none of them do
i just keep quiet while life passes me by.

some days
i feel like i've got nowhere to go
some days
i think i have too many choices
none of which
i want.

most days
i'm alone
people make me tired
most days
anxiety
shrivels me
and depression
makes me stand still.

so i stay alone
not headed anywhere
scared and perpetually
lonely.

i have dreams
of one day
being totally free,
of anyone
and all responsibilities.

to exist
just because,
and to have no agenda.

i strive to be alone,
and purposeless.

If I had something to save
Maybe I would feel
Remorse, anything.

But I became numb,
Pushing anyone who cared
Far away.

Now I'm alone,
With nothing left to lose
Except for you.

The man that keeps me here,
Without whom, I would be dead.
A harsh reality
For someone who lost their
Hope.

life is pointless
when you have nothing.
every ounce of happiness
is just evading you.

lying on the kitchen floor
you reach maximum
desperation.

your tiny frame
being wracked
by heavy hitting sobs.

your helpless fiancee
cries too
out of fear for your life.

you want to drown slowly
in the bottle
so maybe you'll feel
something,
anything
before you depart.

it's nights like this
that i see the true sadness
that seeps into my life,
leaving me drained
a nod to my lack of enthusiasm.

my life
isn't important to me,
my willingness
to carry on
is not there.

when i'm gone
no one notices,
i do not exist
i am
invisible
to
everyone.

poems are supposed to come from passion,
but
i don't have any passion when
you're gone.

you breathe life
into my dull life
that i refuse to go through
without you by my side.

all you need to do
is come home
and hold me in your arms
once again.

it's times like this that i wish
i were a cactus
and i didn't have to deal
with people things
like being in college
and trying to transfer
and writing essays.

i just want to be a
seguro.

when a person says home
you think of a house,
something that's unmoving
a place to fall asleep
comfortably.

home can be a person
someone who is unmoving
from your side
who you can call on at any hour.

you are my home
my stability in life.

my insides are like lava around you
when you leave
they solidify
into strange shapes in odd place

i am jumbled
everything is out of order
and then i see you
they re liquify and leave me
stunned

your presence is enough to heat me
but your absence leaves me
chilled as though i've been with
the penguins.

when i think of you
i think of the rest of my life,
i see us everywhere
but never me alone.

my future is you
you make my life
tolerable.

watching you walk away
tore my insides to bits,
i know you'll come home,
but my fears are irrational.

when you love someone so much
that it hurts badly when they leave
for an extended period of time,
you know that you'd die
if they ever truly left you.

his green eyes watered
as he departed for the marines,
and i knew that this would change
everything.

i have a ring on my finger
telling him that i'll keep loving him
no matter how long he's gone,
letting him have that faith.

but
i don't know how long
i can keep my sanity
i cannot live without him here.

you ask me who i really am
because
i won't tell you without questioning
because
that's just who i am.

you tell me i'm beautiful
and
i can't accept your compliment
because
that's just who i am.

you say wow
that's ****** up
and
you're surprised that i'm offended
now
that's ****** up.

it seems that we all get left,
weather it be alone
or for a short period of time,
at some point you're by yourself.

sitting with nothing but your mind,
offering no help,
you are utterly alone.

no one can help you,
the desperation you feel
your innermost being
bereft of any feelings of joy.

a husk until the one who you worship
returns to rescue you
and your mind
from the hopeless corner
in which you stow yourself
when they leave.

disoriented is the o n l y
word for your feeling without
the holder of your
s a n i t y.

your touch holds me down,
you keep me from floating
away,
into the sea of self destruction.

i need you to keep me,
on your beach
away from all sharks and danger
that lurks below the surface.

but, you must go soon,
and with you, you'll take my soul
leaving me breathless and dried out,
so i'll go to the water
just for a sip, and fall in head first.

your memory will keep me alive,
but your voice isn't there to lure me back.
so that's where i'll stay, until you dive in
to take me back.

sleep only comes to the deserving
the ones who have earned their rest.

not greedy little children
without a care in the world
begging to stay up
just five more minutes.

but the ones who barely make it by
the ones who cherish the little sleep
they get between jobs
the impoverished
who need it the most.

sleep comes to the deserving.

i want to hear the stories
that ****** expressions silently tell,
how they came to be
who they are.

the ***** face of a  child
with wet streaks running down it,
what's their tale.

the tragedies of the small
inconsequential things
that matter so much to a child
of six.

and the worn face
with folds and a lifetime of stories
caught in the wrinkles.

what has he seen,
war?
or heartbreak? left without
a wife.

just waiting for death
to take him too.

i can't say that you're perfect,
but,
neither am i.

that doesn't stop me though
from loving you like you are
the most flawless specimen
i have ever encountered.

pushing me until i'm irate
is a favorite pastime,
but staying mad
while looking at your oceanic
eyes,
well
that's impossible.

you're green eyes well up
when you speak
of our future.
unsure of how
and when our end
will appear.
scared that you will loose me,
that i won't want you around
anymore.

black ink creeping across your flesh
forming crisp letters.
i trace them endlessly
with my fingertips
as you breathe slowly.
deeply sleeping.

the slumbering giant
has been asleep
for so long.

but now
he has awakened
he's hungry..

releasing him is the
simplest of things,
it's just a matter of where
and when.

but, will you
accept my giant?
and tell me to leave
just as i have done
to others.

or will you embrace him?
and release yours,
so mine isn't lonely.

words tumble out of my mouth
landing in a disarray
leaving you to piece them together

you don't mind that i talk to much
because you still make me nervous
you just laugh
and try to make sense of me

given the chance to have you back,
i wouldn't do it.
not even if you paid me.

i see now
that i still love you
and still miss you.

but i see that
i don't want you back,
that is of no interest.

we have moved on
and grown as people,
i love who you are
in my memories
but
not who you've become.

that love will never fade
but grow with appreciation
for all of the things you did for me
and how you helped me
become who i am.

thank you.

i've felt love before,
but
it was different than this
this
refreshing new thing
that i wouldn't let go of
for anything.

i will keep you
until you want to leave,
as long as i can.
i see flaws
but they don't bother me.

this time
everything is different
i know who i am
and
you will not define me,
but
morph and grow with me.

I want to be treated with kindness
and respect,
like the lady that I am.

You should take me out on dates,
and show me off to your friends,
I want you to crave my attention
and worship the ground I walk on.

Loving every inch of my body,
be ecstatic when I give you
control.

I want you to love me
and treat me like a goddess,
and do nice things for me
just because.

I had that opportunity, the opportunity to be with you
but I blew it, and that
is something that I deeply regret.

you
with your beautiful scraggly features, that I long to hold,
I want to feel you move with me,
come back here, I'll let you stay awhile with me.

but I blew it,
and now, you're gone, I'm alone,
and all I know is your first name,
nothing else.

boldly stepping out of the words,
positive
that I, was doing the right thing.

my motives are pure,
and i apologize
but you yell pointlessly,
harshly.

I offer all that I can think of,
and you reject it all
still terrifyingly mad.

the others show up,
they are kind to me
and treat me with respect.

they understand
they are calm
I appreciate them.

i've realized
how truly obnoxious
human beings can be.

horribly loud and destructive,
everything they touch
is instantaneously damaged.

including
other people.

we are all terrible creatures
each one worse than the next
but in some different way.

never stopping to consider
that
what's being done
is potentially harmful
to EVERYTHING.

you don't know my body
not yet
but you will
just give me the chance.

the chance to show you
how i move
my passion
my thirst.

give me the chance to give you my all
let you see my every curve
every flaw.

give me the chance to show you me.

words
they all mean something
and another something
based on the context.

but why
why do we worship them
why do we say so much
why...?

the unspoken words
reach the farthest
mean the most.

you are an open book
waiting to be read
poured over
but
no one seems to care

they're lazy
they wait for your words
many of which will never come
because
they
don't
see.

love
such a strong
overused word
not one to just throw out there
think
think before you say this word
to just anyone.

always mean it when you say it
love
not a word to be tossed around
be careful
be truthful.

glimmering acrylics paint
your reflection,
while you
ponder your ungodly existence,
in the empty atmosphere,
surrounded by
inhospitable solar air.

immediately glowering,
obtuse,
even in your imagination
you are insignificant,
unimportant.

you disintegrate,
disillusioned
for an eternity.

my words to you go unspoken
my love for you is there
but you wont take it

im a broken piece of pottery
you disregard me
laying crippled in the dirt
shattered right where you left me

you wont help me though
not even a glance
to make sure im okay

as i lie there
broken.

thoughts swirling
around me
my mind is unable to focus

constant movement
creates
a constantly thinking mind
always filled with ideas

all is but a blur
a fantastic
colorful blur
that spits out images
that i have no choice but
to create.

every time i look at you my spine tingles
i shouldn't want you
but i do.

i wish that you were mine
but you wouldn't stay faithful.

you're everything that i want
but you can't offer me the most important thing
it's killing me.

i want to reach out
to grasp you
but always
you slip away.

i sit here
you're all i can think about
all that's on my mind.

i'm trying desperately
to keep holding up my wall
i can feel it though
i'm melting.

my resistance is getting weaker
every time i see you
giving in means letting go
and being vulnerable to you.

my emotions are battling
i want to give up
to fall hard.

i'm giving you my all
you're the only one that i want
but you seem
distant.

i don't want you to disappear
i'm counting on you
to stay for awhile.

getting left again
well
that is not an option
not something
i can handle.

i'm counting on you.

you're the only one i'v seen lately
you're the only one i'v wanted to see

you don't pass judgement
even if
the comment i make is weird as ****
you accept me
tie-dye pants in all

you beg me not to leave
even though its midnight
and we both need sleep

you make me wish
that i could stay
stay with you forever

i'v fallen hard
and i don't want you to give up on me
not now
or ever

i don't know where you came from
or why i didn't find you sooner
but
i'v got you now

that's all that matters.

my  mind
is this strange pit
of jumbled thoughts

but you
frequently show up
in those jumbled thoughts

even though
i'v tried to eradicate you from them

you're relentless
i thought i was over you
but i guess not

i don't think i ever will be
no matter how hard i try
you'll always be there

i wish you wouldn't though
i want to move on
but i can't see your face
and not get drawn in
cause
i still love you
and there isn't a **** thing i can do about it

you say you know the same pain that i do.
but that makes me want to call you a liar.
for you didn't have the same experience that i did.
you are not me.

so don't talk.
i don't have any desire to hear what you say.
i feel like a ***** saying that.
but it's the truth.

i'd prefer that you leave me to my thoughts.
i don't care what you have to say.

so please.
leave me be.
because no.
i don't want to talk about it.

i keep my emotions to myself.
they're for no one but me to see.

i see myself with you,
being a couple,
doing romantic things.

i stare into your vast blue eyes
and wonder...
do you feel the same about me?
or,
am i just another girl?

i want to let you into my world,
let you know all there is to know about me,
but
im not sure that you want to be let in.

you can see my sadness,
im sure of it,
but i think
youre pretending its not there,
thats what i do...
and im okay with that.

welcome to my world

you wanted to know me,
on a deeper level,
so i opened my heart to you,
i poured everything out.

you were astonished
at the amount of pain
i carry.

you were astonished
at how little i wanted to
live.

you saw all i had,
and
you felt all the pain
i held.

the flood gates
they opened
and you took on all my fears.

i still love you,
and i know its mutual,
but
you say that we cant be together.

that we should try again in the spring,
but
i cant wait that long.

i need someone to hold me
during the long cold winter months,
i crave your warmth.

but,
you wont give in to me,
you wont sit with me for hours,
just talking about everything.

you wont have me.

Our bodies fit together perfectly,
intertwined in the sheets,
warm and graceful.

heavy breathing,
slow caring movements,
being careful,
but not too careful.

the feeling is powerful,
writhing,
not with pain,
but pleasure.

then,
your heart stops,
the moment is over,
your body relaxes,
still intertwined and blissful.

your ever changing emotions
are just one part of this relationship
that confuse me so.

you say that we should wait until i'm over him
but
we have a relationship now
just without the label.

you don't know what you want
but i do
you have us confused.

al i want is to be with you
in the simplest sense of the phrase
but
you want to make things complicated.

you make my brain hurt
i don't know why i want you
but
i do never the less.

was i just imagining it when you said you liked me?
and that you had no intentions of going anywhere.
did i make all of that up in my head?
i'm beggining to feel as though i did.

you said you were in it for the long haul
then,
two weeks later,
you crumble.

telling me that i can't be friends with my best friend...
if i want this to work,
and that wasn't about to happen.

so it ended just like that,
nothing more nothing less,
just a bad case of jealousy,
nothing more nothing less.