I'm the girl no one wants to be
I've always been to afraid to speak
So I can't hold myself up
When you knock me down
I just keep getting further in the ground
It seems like you're trying to dig me a grave
But I don't want to die
I've been counting day
Till I can get away
Far enough away
You'll never see me break

Cold
Pale
So very dead
bury em up
And get back the fun
Halloween only happens
One day a year

I thought some of my fears
Might disappear over the years
But it seems like they're here to stay
In fact over the years
More seemed to have clung on
I'm not a little girl anymore
I think I'm much to mature for that
You might say I am
And I'll just friendly smile back
It's just another judgment on your part
And I'm so used to getting judged
It seems like routine
Since elementary school
Getting judged by appearance
The voice you speak
But I didn't really have a voice
So you judged me because of that
I was always more scared of girls than guys
Girls would hurt me emotionally
Guys would hurt me physically
And that was okay
At least the pain told me I was alive

I jumped right in
I tried to swim
But i wasn't floating
I was falling
I flailed my arms
Up
Down
There seemed to be no direction
I was so used to gasping air in
I didn't realize it would let the water in
Now I'm with you
It seems like there is no direction
I try to talk
But the air disappeared from my lungs again
I feel like I'm drowning
You make me feel like I'm drowning

It was something I was told
A story so old
I barely bothered to listen
So lost in translation
I couldn't understand what it meant
But i stumbled upon it
When I thought I had lost it
Looking up and seeing the sky still
I was in motion
Turns out it was in motion too
You see I always looked right through
Like it was glass and I had no option than to
Find someone to place my blue unto
Because it wasn’t something to be held
I always wondered why it was dreary
It made me so weak and weary
That's why I get the meaning so clearly
But as always it didn’t say what I wanted it to
So I threw it to you
As I always do
But it turns out you have a limit too
So you fall and you break
And I just shake my head and walk away
‘Cause I have nothing left to hold unto

Some of us are outgoing
Some of us are shy
Some of us prefer shadows
Some of us prefer light
some of us say we're okay
Some of us are okay
Some of us don't have an option
So panic filled we accept it
Accept being anxious and shy
Hide from the light
Say we're okay
Because maybe one day
The panic won't consume us
We'll say goodbye to the shadows
as we step into the light
Someday we may be okay
So for now we accept it

I like to forgive and forget
but if I forgive I can't forget
'Cause something still lingers
Because by forgiving
I let you back in
So forgive me for not forgiving you
But don't hold on to this forgiveness
Because I'll be forgetting you

I've seemed to fallen
In love with your words
But you're not your words
I was deceived at first
Then I felt like a fool
Because I cried over you
When I only knew your words

I wish to be a lullaby
A soft sweet tune
To lift the dread
And lull you to bed
I wish to be the singer
To sing for you
And hold your hand
As you sort out the day
I wish to be something you learn to love

These happy little thoughts
Stretch on and on
Through the night
Eyes closed tight
Electronic beeps
Waking me from my dream
I'll be back before you know I'm gone
Half the day in daydreams
Away
Far away
In these happy little thoughts

It's been about 8 years
8 years since you've been gone
I know too well now that everyone dies
Everyone goes
Everyone says their final goodbye
Everyone takes their last breath
And are out of our sights
But when you died I was 6
I was a foolish little kid
I thought goodbyes never lasted that long
I thought that goodbyes couldn't last 8 years
And on

Can I help you get back
Back to where you belong
You've been placed the happy ones
Mistaken with cheerful
Oh it's a shame
They can't even see your tears fall
You're not annoying
You're not mean
You just want some attention
They ignore you
They cut you off
This isn't where you belong
You don't belong here
You don't belong

I think I'm addicted
To this sad song
Because it reminds me of you
You're the touch of happiness
Surrounded by the sadness
Of knowing you'll never care about me

You're the melody
Everyone loves
I'm a lone note
No one would know was gone
You're loved
I'm not
So let the sad song play on

I want to listen
I want to hear every word so clear
I want to talk to you
I want to feel close to you
Like I haven't before
I want to hear everything
In honesty so true

I wish to be trustworthy
I wish to be a good friend
I wish you will see me as I am
I wish you would like me
As I like you
I wish I would stop wishing
Because my wishes never come true
But then again
I wished for a friend
And I got you
I wished to experience heartbreak
I can see that coming too

Was it you?
Was it me?
Whoever it is
Whatever happened
I am happy now

It should mean a lot
Just to be able to call you a friend
But it hurts
It hurts more than just standing back
Because from the back
I could pretend
I could pretend that it was me
The one you wanted by your side
The one you wanted to hold
The one you wanted in your life
But really it's her
It's always been her
And I can see why
I can see why it's not me
You call me your friend
I call you mine
I'm happy enough with that
That it only stings some

Looking up at the sky
Then back at you
You're sitting so close
But you're so distant
Different worlds
Different start
I'm reaching out
You're not reaching back
Just reaching further away
Targeting my pain
'Cause I let my emotion get away

It feels like I'm flying
Like I'm on top
I may not be the best
But I'm not trying to win
Music playing
Pulling me in
I might not be a dancer
But when I'm dancing
I don't want to stop

In the blue
I get lost
It's more than just a thought
I'm not lost in daydream
Happiness for the time we stay
Blue sky
Why do you have to go away?
I need you
But at this hour
You've gone away
Come blue sky
Put a smile on my face

Still shot
Still moment
Still hoping
To get back what I lost

Some play in creation
Some play in heart
Some play in moments
Some play in daydreams
Some play in happiness
While some of us are stuck in the dark

I never let a friend
Help me stand
When I fall
I let myself fall again
You can't see me
Broken and bent
I'm not the one
You want to fix

Just let me cry
You shouldn't care
You never noticed
When I was there
Still you called me stupid
When I wouldn't work
Painfully playing my emotions
Because you're supposed to be my friend

I guess I'm awful
Because I can't talk in front of class
I'm not as stupid as you think
I had the answer in my head
I could have choked it out
Could have dealt with the panic
I'm sorry I didn't want the pain
So I couldn't earn our group stupid points
I mean I know they were more important
Than my mental heath

I never come to you with my problems
But whatever, come to me with yours
I'm sorry I'm not helpful
But your problems
Should obviously come before mine
It doesn't matter the tears are blurring my vision
Of course it's my fault
I can't be a better friend

I shut you out
You were only trying to help
But you can't
I'm not solvable
So stop acting like I am
You don't know what's wrong

This kind of love hates you
This kind of love hates me
This kind of love hates us
This kind of love is hate

We are stuck here
We are lost here
Wandering
Here
In this
Sick state of mind
Delusional
Just in time
For more lies
Forcing us
To stay alive
As the monsters
Creep inside

The tears jolted me awake
Past
Present
Future
What will you take?
Sleep on it
Can't sleep
Fail to answer
Then it answers for me
Trick question
You have nothing

These wasted days
Remind me of what
I'll never be

Midnight fights with myself
What's right?
What's wrong?
Moments of self doubt
'Cause I have yet to prove myself
Half asleep
Waiting to achieve
Something besides misery
Who could blame me
Just waiting for another day
Where I can fake me
Smiles so they can't see
Me breaking down

The music plays
And I listen to the words
To the lyrics
Lyrics
I find their meaning
Deep within
And it plays once again
And I know what it means
I'm not okay
I cry it out
Screaming loud
So maybe someone will hear me
I'm one of the broken
Not one of the beauty

In a hushed tone
All things sweet came and
Talked for hours and hours on
Fighting away all that's scary
Telling me it's okay
That nothing will harm me
I let them comfort me
I gave them my trust
When they relaxed me enough
I drifted into the land of sleep
There I rest peacefully
Till the sweet things came
As the monsters they really are
Then came the things that were scary
They picked me up
And healed the bruises
Patched up the wounds
And it disproved what I was taught
That the pretty ones
Were the ones that deserved trust

What does it mean to have spoken?
Does it mean that words were projected out loud?
Does it mean that behind those words is a meaning?
Does it mean that there is a voice that should be heard?
Does it mean there is someone there to hear the words being said?
Does it mean protection?
Does it mean threats?
What does it mean to have spoken?
Does it really mean anything at all?
How can it be determined?

It's hard to write poetry
When I have no motivation to do so
I'm just looking for inspiration
Somewhere
Anywhere
But I can't find it in me
So maybe you could help me
If you would talk to me
'Cause right now
I'm having a one sided conversation
And it's not going well
Because my words to me
Demotivate me
So would you please join this conversation
With me
Maybe I could be happy
But I've gotten sidetracked
With envy
And displease
Sometimes looking for the words to describe me
Sometimes trying to find me
Using sad music and poetry
Staring at the mirror
Long enough to find every flaw that bugs me
Getting in to arguments just to see if I can win
Then the begging comes in
'Cause I still want them to be my friend
I'm sorry but it hurt me
Every conversation you cut me off in
But don't worry I'm used to it
That happens to me with friend or not friend
But I know you care about me
You do right?
Did these words come out right?
Did it somehow turn into an apology?
Because I am sorry
But for what?
Maybe for always being wrong
Because someone once said that I always am
I'm wrong
It's true that I am
So here's the poem I tried so hard to write
And I sincerely apologize for it
Because these words might eat you
Like they ate at me  
Gripping unto something
Maybe the guilt inside me
And as it comes flowing out it's making me shaky
Hitting my nerves
On the way to escape me
Because even it wishes to leave me
So I'll beg once more
Please will you save me

The day we met
Will never be forgotten
The sun was shining through
Reflecting on the ocean oh so blue
Sparkling like diamonds
Like your eyes do too
With a smile that can be seen
From miles away
Gravitating me towards you
My heart skips a beat
When you call my name
My life will never be the same
You are my Romeo
I am your Juliet
The moments we spent together
I will never forget
You showered me with diamonds
And other fancy things
Taking me to dinner
And pulling out my seat
Treating me like royalty
But clearly it was never meant to be
Because it was only in a movie.

You ask me if I'm okay
Then leave me
When I say
Yes
I am

I'm here for you
I truly am
I wish you said
What you really meant

They show us what it means
To be perfect
How we need to look
Beautiful
That's what we need to be
Perfect
Smile
Hair
Face
Clothes
Weight
They teach us
Jealousy
Not to be yourself
Picture perfect

They show us what it means
To be perfect
What we need to achieve
Smart
That's what we need to be
Perfect
Scores
Grades
Memory
Student
Ideas
They teach us
To exceed every expectation
To set high expectations
Academically perfect

They show us what it means
To be perfect
What we need to build
Creative
That's what we need to be
Perfect
Ideas
Words
Art
Thought
Product
They teach us
To be spot on
We can't make mistakes
Imaginatively perfect

They show us what it means
To be perfect
When sadly
They don't even know

You may not think that you are
But you are beautiful
You may not see that you are
But you are beautiful
People may not say that you are
But you are beautiful
You may reject it
But you are
And always will be
Beautiful

Conversations
Make me happy
Usually...
Conversations with you
Make me happier
Usually...
I am happy
Sometimes...
I am sad
A lot...
But I'm me
Like that matters...
Smile
Why not...

What is up with this?
I do want to know
Madness it's all I've known
Crazy?
I probably am
Oh well
This again?
Stop please
I guess not
Why can't the thoughts go away?

You can't fight fire with fire
So we got rid of the fire
But we couldn't get rid of the pain

I create
This amazing life
In my head
To escape
And in this life
The one in my head
I'm still imperfect
I'm still sad
And I have
No one to trust
And I thank reality for that

I don't understand
I'm freaking out once again
I'm sorry
I truly am
What is wrong with me
I don't even like arguing '
Plus I never win
Talk to me
Please I want to know
Talk to me please
Fine I'll just go

Please
I need help
I'm dying
Inside
But
Not out

I'm not sure
That this is who I really am

This is the list of reasons I cant write
You

I'm gonna write a poem
This time it wont be about you
It's harder then I thought
Write what you're feeling
Not my feelings for you
I've got this
Or not
You're not just my thoughts
You're my words too
Look I just wrote another poem
About you

I'm running out of things to say
I'm running out of songs to play
I guess I'll have to face it
You're the only thing coming to my mind

Crossed out words
On crumpled up pieces of paper
Thoughts that made it out of my head
Words that escaped me
Making a huge mess
Why can't I get my feelings right on paper?
Why can't my feelings be right at all?

Why is it
That you make me
Feel like this?

So I go back to that day
With those weird conversations
With my Awesome friends
Having fun
Laughing too much
Choking on pop
Then we talk
And the rest of the world
Seems less important
No more worries
Just happiness
And fun
And it replays like that
Whenever we talk

Roses are white
So are the violets
The walkway in the park is too
The only thing I can see clearly is you