...maybe i'm done trying
maybe i'm the only one who's left fighting
fighting be loved
fighting to be someone
in
your life.
maybe it's time
to face the
truth
that i'll never be
enough
for
you.
maybe
you find more
consolation
comfort
in your media,
friends
...in those
who
have
everything
i
don't.
maybe
it's time
i face
the fact that
i will never enter
your world.
maybe it's time
i gave up on me
just as you have.
maybe it is time.
i will never
be her.
i will never
understand
and maybe
it's because
i was
never
given
the chance.
maybe you have fallen in love
with the person you wish me to be
maybe who i am
is not who you want to love.
maybe the thought of this being true
terrifies you the most
throws you off your feet
and the fear of the unknown
has you gripped on to my heart
wishing on stars
i will become
who you need.

broken promises
empty words
beautiful and luring
yet
deceiving
oh how you lie
you know the sweetest words
and they ****
fill my heart and body with senseless hope
uplift me to the moon
to come crashing down
death sweep over me soon
what is the point?
what is the point of having loved you?
what's the point of a beautiful lie?
i am your marionette
control my dance
i never stood a chance
i'm a fool for your love

i am a prisoner of your heart,
you stole everything i ever dreamed of

useless
and worthless
that's how you make me feel
this is all too real

forlorn
empty and torn
claiming to love me, you left me
sinking at the bottom of the sea

turn blue and black
hurt me and i come running back
i should run the opposite way
but you know i will stay.


you can't fix what is broken
with these words left unspoken.

you
and
i
had a love
so pure
love
in it's purest form
innocent
and
fragile
can you blame me
for never being able
to stop loving you?
my mind says
he'll leave again
don't believe him
forget him
but my heart
yearns for him
holds on to the hope
that tears at me every day

how i wish i could forget you
i wish i didn't still love you
i wish my heart didn't skip a beat
every time i hear your voice or see your face
i wish i didn't love you so endlessly.
you, it's always been you.

all my life
i recall
feeling, not hearing
feeling this voice say
i wasn't meant to be here
feeling this voice say
you won't make it past 18
feeling this voice say
you're not worth much

september
seasons change, leaves fall
i knew i wasn't worth anything
tossed away like a filthy rag
ravaged like a slaughtered pig
i knew.
only to hear in familiar voices
the same
only to see in familiar faces
the disgust of my presence

how i ached to
strip the skin
that held each ***** in its place
how i lusted after
the obliteration of my being
how i desired
for someone to take this life
that wasn't worth living

may
flowers bloom and i wilted
i cried in the wake of my 18th birthday
for many years
i prayed that life
would cut my breath short in my sleep
i was not meant to be here
i wanted to die
i wished and prayed someone
would ****** me
**** me
stop this heart from beating
because my body and soul
ached with every heartbeat
how could a heart continue beating
after being shattered?
how could a heart pound underneath my chest
after such circumstances?

life isn't kind
life isn't fair
he is gone
and i am here
your smile lit up even the darkest of places
why am i here?
this isn't my life to live
i always knew.

before an alter you fall on your knees
and claim to dedicate your life to the service of God
yet in his name you lead another astray
deceitful in nature, in Jesus name, you claim to love

to the wolf in sheep's clothing
may you live everyday smothered by your guilt
may your lies eat away at you like a cancer
may the darkness you live in, consume you

i pray for blind eyes to see
that hearts harden as you approach
i pray that they see the disgusting animal that you are
that you be ravaged the very demons that reside in you

so tell me that i'm condemned to hell
for wishing you ill
tell me that i am no better than you
because your sins are weighed equal to mine
so tell me that i am in sin
for hating you
tell me!

my sins are before an audience
worn on my black coat
guilt will not be held over my head
you cannot **** what is already dead.

breathe it all in.
wilt like a flower under the pouring rain
breathe it all in.
heart beat comes to a gradual stop only to pound with sudden acceleration

words
i lack the words
i lack the words to describe
how taking one more hit
almost takes me to heaven
...or i should say hell?

because sometimes
one more hit is all i need
to remind me that in an instant my heart could stop beating

so i'll take one more hit
to suffocate the taunting voices
so i'll take one more hit
to forget each time love is not reciprocated
so i'll take one more hit
to slow down this heart that won't give up
one more hit to
remind this heart that sometimes it's hope that kills
because the rush of almost dying almost makes it worth living