all my life
i recall
feeling, not hearing
feeling this voice say
i wasn't meant to be here
feeling this voice say
you won't make it past 18
feeling this voice say
you're not worth much

september
seasons change, leaves fall
i knew i wasn't worth anything
tossed away like a filthy rag
ravaged like a slaughtered pig
i knew.
only to hear in familiar voices
the same
only to see in familiar faces
the disgust of my presence

how i ached to
strip the skin
that held each ***** in its place
how i lusted after
the obliteration of my being
how i desired
for someone to take this life
that wasn't worth living

may
flowers bloom and i wilted
i cried in the wake of my 18th birthday
for many years
i prayed that life
would cut my breath short in my sleep
i was not meant to be here
i wanted to die
i wished and prayed someone
would ****** me
**** me
stop this heart from beating
because my body and soul
ached with every heartbeat
how could a heart continue beating
after being shattered?
how could a heart pound underneath my chest
after such circumstances?

life isn't kind
life isn't fair
he is gone
and i am here
your smile lit up even the darkest of places
why am i here?
this isn't my life to live
i always knew.