Asleep on my arm
Soft,
Small and precious.
Please
Lean your body against mine
Press your elbow
Into my side.
Sleep--
Calm,
Comfortable,
And cool.
Eyelids,
Smooth and fluttered shut.
Yet make me
Calm,
Comfortable--
A fool.

A break.
My mind needs a
Break.
Is it already broken,
But it needs a break
In the other context
That broken can make.

Too full.
The backpack of my consciousness is too
Full.
Its ripping at the seams
And making me dull
Because the papers jammed into the depths
Make threads start to pull

And the tangent will continue
Until the string is cut,
And i will be blue
Until streets turn red,
I’m losing my head,
I’m already lost,
I’d feel better dead,
But its not worth the cost.
Where is my brain ,
Where did she go?
The girl you once new,
Who you used to know,
Is going insane,
Is going through pain,
And all she needs is

A break.

My mind needs a
Break.

As winter faded, you faded away
And I floated away from you
Bright colors of spring against rainy grey;
Tearing my conscience in two.

The seasons, they whisper of change
But the hearts, they long to stay same.

Mellow adobe brick roofs
Lost in a sea of bleached blue;
The wind in the willow leaves blew
As I floated away from you.

All of the branches, they sway
Slow to a lullaby’s tune
As winter faded, you faded away
And the wind whisked me away too.

The seasons, they whisper of change
But the hearts, they long to stay same.

Crumbling adobe brick roofs
Drown in a sea of bleached blue;
On the wind, the willow leaves flew
And they tore me away from you.

The ringing in my ears hasn't left
And schrapnel and shards stick out from the rubble.
Rummaging, scrounging for a useful miracle
As my emotions have been wrenched into purposeless scraps
Heaped on the floor, like overworn rags.
I'm looking for pieces of him.
If I'm lucky, I'll dig up a fragment from the dust
And brush it off; rid it of soil and rust.
And I'll gaze... and stare... and wonder...
Then remember he doesn't care.
And the snippet of him I'd found in the dirt
Will crumble between my hands
And I'll try to scrape up what's left I can find,
But it's already swallowed by land.

is crafty little two liners,
and nobody likes them anyway.

there is meaning in a name
and a name for meaning;

you undoubtedly share one
with someone.

everything has a name:
cat, car, box, keys,

Hannah, Sarah,
Jacob, Aaron.

if we all have names
and names all have meaning,

what is the purpose of a name
if you have no purpose at all?

without a thought,
anything can mean nothing.

and nothing
can mean everything.

Dear Friend…
I don’t know where to start.
Memories come to mind
Of how you stole my heart.

You didn’t ask.
No question or please.
Just sauntered in and took it,
Apparently with ease.

I’ve tried to get it back so hard,
Fought you countless times,
And yet my heart is tied to yours
A foreign feeling, but sublime.

I don’t know why it had to be this way
To always feel alone,
Because my background and my habits
I’ve stayed secluded as I’ve grown.

Of all the lies I’ve told myself,
This is surely one,
I swore I’d never have a friend,
But now look what you’ve done.

Your soft smiles make me smile too
Never ceasing to have beauty.
And the way you protect me from my fears
As if it is your duty.

And when you are filled to the brim
With tears that spill and shine,
Even when days are looking grim,
Know that you’ll be fine.

Lucy to my Ethel,
Mountain to my dew,
So my dear partner in crime,
Know I’ll never leave you.

Never forsaken never forgotten
Never will your days be rotten,
For if I love you and  you love me,
We’ll fill up our lives with memories.

The good and bad,
The pleasure the pain,
Through brightest sun
And darkest rain,

My friend,
I’ll be there for you.
So please say that
You’ll never leave me, too.

i just read as stupid story
about a man,
some songs,
and a pearl.

within its ninety pages i heard
a song of family,
a song of evil,
and a lesson of the world.

it told of the malignant fate
of a man,
a baby,
and a girl.

and evil stole an innocent life
because a sting
a doctor,
a rifle,

and a pearl.

raindrops roll down my shoulders
as tears stream down my face.
the comfort of the water
is familiar, yet strange.

the chill sinks through my bones,
sharp and freezing to the core.
yet i welcome it with open arms,
the old friend from long before.

now everything is black and grey,
and my soul itself is numb.
i hope the pain will end today,
and the suffering will be done.

please let it end today,
please let it be done.

you're so precious;
a kiss on the cheek.
a comforting squeeze,
statement made while half asleep.

you're so precious;
arms wrapped around my head
to keep from falling off the edge
of your pitiful college twin size bed

you're so precious;
not quite an "I love you"
but with eyes bright and hair askew,
I know you mean it. I know you do.

Do you ever look at the trees and think
About how
they wouldn’t be alive without the sun
Do you ever feel the breeze and think
About how
It wouldn’t exist without the sea?
I do.
And Every day i look in the mirror and think
About how
You’d probably be better off without me.

dark thoughts creep where they are unwanted
undesired ideas
flood the empty cavities within my skull
black.
white.
Gray.
it seems as if the color has drained from life
deep greens and rich blues
no longer paint the world
instead I am left with
black.
white.
and Gray.

Glossy lips, strawberry hued
Waiting for the car to come,
Waiting for a ride.

Maroon stripes, burgundy shoes
Waiting for the rain to come,
Waiting, cold, inside.

Warm hands, uncomfortable feet
Sitting in the liar's chair
Sitting all alone

Teary eyes, emblazoned cheeks
Sitting on the convict's chair
Sitting with my bones

Broken pencil tips, scattered shavings peppering the floor.
Colored pencils with chewed ends and waxy bits fill my briefcase.
All business here, hard at work on the daily.
Would you like a portrait drawn of your personality lately?
Cracked skulls and broken bones, with hints of red paint splattered in the background.
Neon lights and smoke signals, deep green lakes shrouded in fog in the distance.
All of these things, piecing together a picture of your likeness.
And I sit with the tools of my trade, blades to sharpen my wooden spears as they tear across the canvas
The rubber bricks that scrape across the angry mistakes
But with innocence, sitting idly, doodling into oblivion.
The yellow plastic crayola briefcase holds 47 different stems used to brighten the darkness I paint of you.
Pipe cleaners and fake daisies litter the serious work with a simple joy, in unison with the sparkles and glitter.
Criss cross apple sauce on the floor, little pink screwdrivers and cerulean hammers spread about,
The aura of this portrait is coming out in the expressions carved into the palate you have given me.
Angry lines and foreboding greys and blood hues, and cool creeping colors that seep into your skin,
Crawl in juxtaposition to the bubbly universe outside the box.
Keep the anger and fear and sadness on the paper, keep the ugly and the bitter and the unsavory away.
In my briefcase, I only keep the tools.
The happy little helpers of art and beauty.
Please keep all the bad away.
Please keep all your mad away.
Please take your portrait and leave.
Thank you for your business.

you know that thing you find in life
and never want to let go?
well, i think i found mine
by the sea out in the cold.

and it did not take me long to know
that i cannot live without it.

I'm so sad
And I want to say I love you but I can't
Not when I think I am about to shatter
My hands are made of glass
And if you come any closer, they'll crack
My fingers are already brittle,
And I can't stop them from shaking
And it hurts, it hurts so bad
But it's nothing, I promise,
Everything's fine, I'm just a little sad.
My ears, they are tin
And noise echoes through them
And the sound is too loud
Everything is too loud,
Words enter the cavern between my ears
They come and stay for too long
And the black tar of every lie I’ve discovered,
Every betrayal, has stayed since that year.
And it hurts, it hurts so bad, they’re so loud,
But I’m just sad, nothing to worry about.
My head between my ears is about to burst.
But I’d like to smash it into a wall first,
Maybe a chair, a table, a desk,
They call to me, entice me,
Offering rest if  I could just...
Smash my porcelain head.
Crunch, crack, splinter,  
The  bone china pieces of my mind
Mingle about in shards on the ground
Sharp, glossy, polished pieces scattered about
But everything is so peaceful.
Finally…some quiet.
I look around with my singular eye,
The only thing left without a crack
Before I lower my lid and die.
Please sleep well,
This is my last “goodnight.”

running down the street
eyes glinting
illuminated by street lamps and stars
breathing hard

but consequences are temporary.

climbing shaky trees
ripping jeans
28 missed calls from my mother
but time with one another

because consequences are temporary.

gazing into black night skies
looking at your sea green eyes
the worst fall i've taken
so if i'm not mistaken,

maybe not all consequences
are temporary.

you make me do things
i know i should not do
and with the beat of thrill
i'll loose my rationale

because at least some consequences
are temporary.

To call it love already would be in haste.
But this feeling you give me is no mistake,
Although your eyes are glued to the ground
My head is stuck in the clouds.
You make my days unimaginably sunny,
And you make the most mundane statements funny
I don't know the origin of this feeling sublime
But it must come from knowing you're mine.
We're young and terrible at these things
But darling it's okay as long as we can dream.
I have no idea if these feelings will last
Because sometimes good things are gone fast
And you’re the best thing I’ve had in awhile
Everytime you cross my mind i can't help but smile
With a spring in my step everywhere i walk
People have told me i’m happier when i talk
You make me think of all the pretty things
Blue skies, green leaves, all in spring
Darling, you don’t see the way you affect me
But because of you i can be happy.

i guess that's all i'll ever be to you.
and im alright with that.

but sometimes i wish you could see my smile
when you play ukulele over the phone.
and i wish you knew how the memory
of your hands in mine
helps me sleep a little better at night.
and that i feel a little less lonely when
i listen to the songs you write.

but i am a homie of the highest degree
and yeah sometimes it hurts,
but its okay with me.

It's a blessing and a curse
To be nothing
Nothings better, nothings worse
Than being nothing.
Those pretty bruises on your neck
Keep my wild hopes in check,
Every time you return,
I mean nothing.
                                     ...and
It's a horrible game,
Meaning something.
Fleeting feelings always change
Yet theres something.
The way you look into my eyes
Under those endless starry skies.
I'll never really know
If we're something.

Were so similar
But were so different.
I like cheesy shows,
You kinda hate em.
I’m always busy
And you take it all slow
You have time to be bored or miss me;
I miss you because I’m on the go.
You stay stagnant
As I swing through highs and lows
In our behaviours,
We vary even more
You, relaxed, sass queen
Me, the girl that jibes for sport.
I'm loud and demanding
You're sometimes quiet
But when we're together
You're wild, and i like it
Baby were so different,
Can't you see?
But even with our clashing
You're the only one for me
Oh, we're not that different
As we seem,
Cause in what is important
We've got similarities
You love music
I love to sing
You love to dance,
And i love performing
I love to joke
You've called me mean
You're a bit older,
I'm still seventeen
You love skating,
So do i
You love the ground
And I'm in love with the sky
You love the day,
And i love the night
You love your mother,
Please hold her tight
I love the beach, you hate the sand
I hate the ocean,
But not if you hold my hand.

Starry nights
Endless
an unfathomable depth to the skies
Yet the stars,
They feel so close
Like fairy dust
Twinkling
And i feel like
I feel like i could touch them
Reach
Reach
Dip my fingers in their glow
Swirl them in the galaxies
Stir the milky way
And you,
Lying next to me
on the cold,
hard asphalt,
Smile.
Come dip your fingertips
in the night’s wonder
With me.
Come,
Let your mind wander
With me.
Put your free hand
In mine
And we’ll swim through
Galaxies.
Come,
Dream with me.

There have been enough poems written about love.
And plenty more written about heartbreak.
I have indulged in the composition of both,
Roped into a reckless dance with the whipping wind
and the insanity of the heart's desires.
While engulfed in my emotional fires,
I have never felt so cold as I do now.
Poems about love, poems about heartbreak,
I drink them in and regurgitate the meaningless words.
Beauty: colorful, soft, bright, airy, ephemeral, blissful.
Batting of the eyelashes, scintilliance of the mind.
Pain: sharp, dark, throbbing, unforgiving and relentless.
Collapsing of the lungs, aching of the soul.
These are the empty images, sensory details that crowd
the screen and saturate the dreamy, inspired writer.
Those that love the hardest
Shatter in the most violent manner.
I am sick of a community
Founded on toxic vulnerability.

Most late summer days fade into night holding a tepid dreariness in their breath, beating away with the tedium of the sun from late July through early September.
Yet ephemeral as it may be, the life of early summer is purely sanguine in the face of its oncoming age, as willowy saplings sway in the blustering breezes of June, and sprouts of vivid animation appear all around.
This is when the soul heals, and out of the mulch rises new beginnings and the ripening fruit of various works.

In this early season of summer, many taciturn inhabitants of the flourishing earth made their home, and among them, Lily: a creature of reticence and intricacy.
She burgeoned in attitude and character as days crept forward, extending her limbs upwards in an eternal paean to the heavens― as such was her sinecure and quiet delight.

In this, she stood insular to her ubiquitous family, an outsider to the sisters who flitted about carelessly on the wind, satiny gowns of pink and yellow billowing as they twirled.
Always invited into the fray, Lily was evermore stalwart in her choice to keep out of their plainly sordid affairs.

Yet in her isolation, the night whispered to her many a berceuse.
The sleepy stars implored of Lily’s indolent nature as she gazed into their eyes, trailing across eternity into peaceful slumber.
The night sky held wonders and questions that filled her paltry existence but placed her in stasis with the decorated heavens of her dying season,
Left to wither away with the insidious heat and vibrant splendor of late summer evenings.

Every day, I wake up.
Everyday, I must prepare myself for what  lies ahead.

The first step into the chill morning air always bites,
But not a much as the stares of my classmates.
The pain of my sprained ankle screams,
But not as much as the voices in my head.
The blast of my music hurts my ears,
But not as much as the whispers do.
The exhaustion makes me want to cry,
But not nearly as much as the stress.

Everyday I enter,
Everyday I leave.

Friends joke about the pressure I have on me,
But they have no idea.
People question why I always have my notebook,
But they don’t try to understand.
Teachers are upset when I miss assignments,
But they don’t know what’s truly missing.
My instructors tell me to sing my heart out,
But it seems I no longer have a voice.

Everyday for eight hours I face my greatest fears.
Everyday for twenty-four, people don’t know I have them.

I don't want your pretty words,
I don't want your charming eyes,
I don't want your smooth approach,
I don't want your blatant lies.
The truth is that I want it all,
Every single bit.
But the truth is that it's all a front,
And nothing ever fits.
I want to hear your small talk
I want to see your tears
I want to sit close at your side
I want to stay for years.
But the truth is that you're killing me,
Every single bit.
The truth is that I come running back,
Even after every hit.
I don't want to be hurt by you
I don't want to have to cry
I don't like the way you're treating me
But I'll love you until I die.
The truth is soon, I'll have to go,
And make the end of it.
But in truth, I still love your soul,
Every single bit.

and when i am lost
in that expansive sea
and all sides, walls of water surround me
threatening to overrtake me
I cower amidst the crashing
and the clamor of their voices
are all i can hear.
there is a weight in my lungs
as i cling to my raft
but i know if i slip
down is the only direction i will go.
and my eyes can hardly open
flashes of foam and darkness meet my eyelashes
as the wind slaps me with her salty tears
that she has torn away from the sea itself.
and gutteral noises claw their way out of my throat
mourning, wails of what can only be described as anguish
shudder through my entire being.
and my soul aches for you
i squeeze my eyes shut in hopes of escaping this hell
white knuckilng my driftwood raft.
being torn apart, as the waves taunt my demise.
what a peace i could meet if i were to just--
let go.
and fall beneath the chaos of the surface,
through the furious tumult of currents below.
into the glassy depths that stare out at me.
and still my delicate balance screams
dont do it.
still the thought of your peace whispers
you'll get through it.
but the walls are too high,
and a canyon of water seperates me from you
and refuses to abate.
cries of pain, swallowed by the greedy shouts of the waves.
and i am tired.
I clutch my plank once more
inhale deep,
and let go.

and fall below.

it creeps in through the corners
through the places where walls and ceiling meet
where the floorboards creak
and drafts of icy breath stroke your neck.

it creeps up through the carpet
through the the places where rugs cover the old oak floors
where grandmother's crocheted mat is getting worn
and little dusties hide from the harsh daylight.

it crawls out from inbetween your teeth
between the lips and tongue and the molars that fell out
and now the dry, empty cavity of your mouth
hangs sallow and barren.

I can't see outside
The thick lenses of my glasses
Clouded by the stupid heat
Of my stupid tears
Over a stupid boy.

You said you loved me
So why'd you leave me all alone?
And now I'm crying and writing
Words that dont even make sense.
I cant even call it a poem.

You inspired me.
Or did you really?
Maybe what inspired me was just
The idea of you; maybe it was just...
Who I wanted you to be.

But now I see you
And I see you clearly.

It’s so difficult to look at you
When you talk about our future.

When we laugh about growing old
Or more adventures in the cold.

To fantasize about the type of parents we’ll be
And how i’ll spill the family tea.

Or if you get married, and i don’t
I’ll be your kids crazy aunt.

About how we’ll share our entire life.,
And joke about being my backup
if i’m not married by thirty five

And all these futures that we make
Based of old memories that ache.

They look like a hope for the new
life i’ll be sharing with you.

Then college letters come in.
And ink drains from my pens,

'cause I’m just scribbling to preserve our youth.

Because we both know the truth.

Dreaming in colors
I didn't dream of before
Everything has a softer edge to it
No more sharp corners
No more crisp lines
Just you, and the colors of spring
Hues of soft, dusted skies
And deep, cold grass.
Long sunsets and dark mornings.
Why do you make me think of spring?
Or is spring my romanticism at play?
Why does the thought of you make me nostalgic
When i don't share that many memories with you yet?
It's like i'm floating in a world of nothing
While watching everything from afar.
My vision is coated in lip gloss
Sweet, sticky, and shiny,
Clouded over by the lollipop dreams
And cotton ball clouds.
This isn't how i think when i see you
But when you're gone, i get lost,
Drowning in the thought of what if’s,
Of ideals, and ideas that won’t exist anywhere else
Except for in my mind,
In my little, gloss coated world.

I get too attached
I loved her so much
I wish I could be with her always
To give her hugs
All the hugs
To stargaze
And stay up until three just talking
To lie in a hammock eating
hot Cheetos and necco wafers
And to share secrets and problems
like they are nothing
To experiment with makeup
And to watch her fall asleep
in the bunk next to me
To sit in understanding silence
To hold my hand
Even sometimes sharing pants
To laugh about the boys we chase
To slowly watch her walk away
The best friend I've ever known
Has gone and left me all alone.

I need to stop feeling so indifferent
I need to find a new hobby
I need to be a happier person
I need to let my emotions drown me

I need air
I need news
I need help
I need you

I need to stop crying when I look in the mirror
I need to stop thinking things are all fine
I need to face that simple cold truth
I need to remember you are no longer mine

I need air
I need news
I need love
But not from you

Her presence twists inside me
Like poison and vines.
It strangles me
From the inside out.

It pushes up my throat
And spills my insides,
That cascade to the floor
In a mess of emotion.

Dry heaving, choking,
On my own lies.
Driven insane by
The ones I’ve believed.

She torments me,
Ripping my morale to shreds.
She scatters what is left,
Spreading out the tatters.

Her purpose is my demise,
Her dream in my insanity.
She goes by many names,
But here her title is “Guilty.”

All I’ve ever really wanted was a hand to hold.
There were times where I was reaching,
But everyone was too busy, too tired, too old.
Finally a lone hand sunk down into my sea
And I clutched it so tight
That I almost dragged it down with me.

In fear and panic
I let it go,
So I wouldn’t wreck its chances.
So here I still wait, regretting my choices
And making hopeful glances.
I'm searching for a hand,
But slowly my arm is weakening.
This is not what I had planned.

And that sad part is I know
If I again found a hand to hold,
I be too exhausted to hang on.

You, you are my healer,
Stitching my tattered limbs back together
So that you can rip them off again.

You, you are my dreamer,
Painting beautiful galaxies
And forcing me back to reality again.

You, you are my seeker,
Finding me, saving me, and fixing me
So you can leave me alone again.

"He makes me smile."
Isn't that quite the statement?
The overly stated
Overrated
Label slapped on affection
For someone who makes a laugh.
But in what direction,
with what affection,
Does a mere smile
Lead a relationship
Into the future?
Will it go the miles required?
And are you sure
That smile
Will last the time
That you are together,
Even if it is forever?
Looking​ for potential mates
Perhaps it is important
To observe more traits
Than comedy
For longevity
You need more than just jokes.
Humor in no way means brevity,
Yet if it is the primary basis
For your affection
It is rash, dumb, and juvenile
Because he needs to care
That you deserve more
Than just a smile.

Do you ever feel homesick for a place that's not your home?
Or homesick for a place
That you've never been?
Maybe you've already left it,
maybe you'll never get in.
Or homesick for a person?
For the embrace of another?
Homesick for someone far away,
For a best friend or a brother?
That person that you love so much you cannot live without,
And even though there are miles between,
You never face a doubt.
Never doubted that they love you,
Never doubted that they'll be there.
Never doubted there's a place for us all,
Even if we don't know where.

I dream of you at night;
You visit me alone.
I’d join you in the sky
If I weren’t a stone.

My heart is made of rock
Each limb is carved from lead
A single push could knock
The quartz eyes from my head

But you are like a flower
Basking in sun rays
You’re lighter every hour
At twilight, fly away.

I dream of you each night;
Your visits help atone
The sins that weigh me down
You chip away the stone

Angel of the garden,
Please grant me your pardon.

that's me.
         i'm the idiot.

the one that's always assuming
my sentiment is returned

the one that's always hoping
in vain, just to get burned.

it's me.
         i'm an idiot.

it was a lovely song, really.
i always knew it was about her.

but even a little part of me
broke a little more when you confirmed.

it's only me.
          i'm The Idiot.

then i gave you the coordinates
of my only safe space

i trusted you with the knowledge
that here i lose face.

and that was my biggest mistake.

                 look at me.
                 look at my poetry.

and tell me
             i'm not the idiot.

I don’t know, but
You seemed to
Actually
Care about me
About my state
Of being.

You were afraid for me
Do you love me?

I don’t love you,
yet.
I think i’d like to.

But thank you for
Actually caring
Because worrying
Is something
He’d never do.


Maybe he’d give me
An “aw, man that *****”
Or a “feel better soon”

Not an immediate
“oh f*ck
"what happened,
“Oh my god,
"Are you okay?”
He'd give me
No clear concern
No, “as long as you’re safe.”

Thank you for caring.
It helped me make my decision.
Thank you for caring.
it helped me actually listen
To what zoe had to say
And made me wonder
If it’s true that,

You know,

Maybe
it wouldn’t be
Such a bad thing
For me
to love you
If maybe
You love me too.

Little things you do
Drive me crazy
I’m going insane,

You’re making me insane.

The way your smile
Scrunches up your eyes,
Its beautiful.

The way your laugh
Makes me feel
Like I’m on a high

And cant get down

Your little habits
Drive me wild;
I think i love you.

I think i do.

We draw to escape our lives,
We draw to escape reality.
With every stroke of a pen,
We wander into insanity

you know,
they say
everything will be
okay
they’re lying,
lies are easy to believe
when truth is hiding

poetry
      in my heart:
Singing just for you.
       I was
waiting
      just for you
But you haven't come
       and I wish
    I could just
Have your head on
  my shoulder one
       more time.
   in the dark,
two nights after
      you told me that
               you felt,
you were confused.
     The way you look at me,
and I you,
        makes me feel seen.
Studying the stars--
       tell me about music
    explain the function
  crack your ankles
laugh at me, though your eyes
       gasps at basketball dunks
   hum along to boy pablo
while playing computer games
   right next to me
philosophize until 7 am
          hands in pockets,
     knees angled toward each other
               falling asleep.
       Sun rise.
    tired smiles
all of the little
    things that say
         I care,
      I care,
        I care.
   until my body aches
with the fact that
      in your eyes
I see eternity
   and it terrifies me.

Looking at you gives me joy,
It cannot be expressed.
For when I look into your deep blue eyes,
I know that I am blessed.

I might be extroverted,
Many people might know who I am,
But you're the only one who truly sees
Me open up instead of clam.

I have built a wall so large
To cover up my sin
It used to keep me safe,
But now I’ve been locked in.

But you have come to set me free
Amidst of all my shock,
And just as i thought my time was up,
You’ve seemed to stop the clock.

You’re a jewel in any case,
Shining brighter than the sun,
But you can also be pure metal,
Sleek and fatal as a gun.

And this is why I love you,
My one and only friend,
You gave that horrible wall around me
An even more terrible end.

We may be years and miles apart
And meet but twice a year,
But as long as we stay connected,
Its as if you’re with me here.

I'm mad.
Angry.
Why wont you
Respond to me?
All I've done is support you;
All you do is ignore me.
Is my anger justified?
Probably...

not.