A rat's nest
Is a big mess
But not to the rat who lives there.

But in the opposite way,
My mind these days
        Is a mess;
But not to those who don’t live here.

A break.
My mind needs a
Break.
Is it already broken,
But it needs a break
In the other context
That broken can make.

Too full.
The backpack of my consciousness is too
Full.
Its ripping at the seams
And making me dull
Because the papers jammed into the depths
Make threads start to pull

And the tangent will continue
Until the string is cut,
And i will be blue
Until streets turn red,
I’m losing my head,
I’m already lost,
I’d feel better dead,
But its not worth the cost.
Where is my brain ,
Where did she go?
The girl you once new,
Who you used to know,
Is going insane,
Is going through pain,
And all she needs is

A break.

My mind needs a
Break.

No,
I’m not saying I love you
In American Sign Language.
Obviously,
I'm pretending to be
Spiderman.

I guess that’s what love is-
Caring for someone.
I mean, really caring about someone
Caring about how their day was, caring about how they feel
Caring about what makes them happy and what makes them reel.
So yeah I love you.
But not in the romantic sense
But not really like you’re just my friend.
I love you in a different way, not like a sister or a mother, either.
Like a Best Friend, maybe.
But, like the best friend you could ever have.
A comrade?
I don’t know, but I love you
In some weird, strange, confusing, caring way,
I do.
And I want to be able to smile with you.
And cry with you
And just hang out with you.
I...
I...

I don’t love you, haha.
Can’t you tell?
I’m just using the ASL
That you taught me
To say that I’m spiderman,

But my own web had caught me.

It was vibrant,
In a nostalgia-dipped way.
The evening was a blur of
Floral shirts, black pants, and
Laughter that bubbled over like
A glass filled to the brim
With sickly sweet carbonation.
Memories circulate in the images of
Indigo Jackets, and Alien ball caps;
Sitting by the water,
Feet dangling off the east side of the tiny bridge
And words flitting about on the wind-
Mumbles about the future and the past.
Imagine the feeling,
The raw emotion and uncertainty,
As You tell someone of the memories that haunt you,
And they tell you of their torments,
Leaning forward on your arms, swinging your shoes over the side,
As they are laying back on the wooden planks, unafraid of splinters.
A Sigh:
An escape of breath that sends the wind scattering.
Puffs the air, turning it white in the cold.
Peace.
But the peace goes deeper than a slow bat of eyelashes
And the inclination of a head
Towards the one beside you
The deepness of the euphoria-
The colony of butterflies that have taken residence
Inside your stomach-
They no longer flutter uncontrollably,
But float along to a soft melody
Keeping time with the electricity
That hums through your fingertips
As he passes you the book.
The book that olds all his secrets,
All his dreams and creations;
And he is trusting you with it.
And those butterflies
They continue their looping dance
Still smooth, increasingly rapid
They Twirl,
Spiraling down into your gut
But still calm, like a babbling brook.
Chaos, oh, the soft chaos is
Overtaken by the beauty of the entirety.

Dreaming in colors
I didn't dream of before
Everything has a softer edge to it
No more sharp corners
No more crisp lines
Just you, and the colors of spring
Hues of soft, dusted skies
And deep, cold grass.
Long sunsets and dark mornings.
Why do you make me think of spring?
Or is spring my romanticism at play?
Why does the thought of you make me nostalgic
When i don't share that many memories with you yet?
It's like i'm floating in a world of nothing
While watching everything from afar.
My vision is coated in lip gloss
Sweet, sticky, and shiny,
Clouded over by the lollipop dreams
And cotton ball clouds.
This isn't how i think when i see you
But when you're gone, i get lost,
Drowning in the thought of what if’s,
Of ideals, and ideas that won’t exist anywhere else
Except for in my mind,
In my little, gloss coated world.

Starry nights
Endless
an unfathomable depth to the skies
Yet the stars,
They feel so close
Like fairy dust
Twinkling
And i feel like
I feel like i could touch them
Reach
Reach
Dip my fingers in their glow
Swirl them in the galaxies
Stir the milky way
And you,
Lying next to me
on the cold,
hard asphalt,
Smile.
Come dip your fingertips
in the night’s wonder
With me.
Come,
Let your mind wander
With me.
Put your free hand
In mine
And we’ll swim through
Galaxies.
Come,
Dream with me.

Rolling
Rolling
Skating fast

Hands,
Head,
Street.

Everything is black.

Fuzzy colors
Sharp pain
Where are my legs?

There they are

Sit up
You’re fine
Get up n skate

Just a scratch.

Gotta get to school
Can’t be late

Why can’t i see?
Geez, scraped hands
My head hurts.

My glasses
Where are they?
There they are.

Broken.

**** it.
My favorite pair.

Should i just go to school
Deal with it there?
Wait

What's that

Drip
Drip
Oh, its blood

Rivers down the temple
In my eye
Ha, like in cartoons.

Gotta get home
Walking, though.

Air, air
I need air.
Breathing is hard

But i'm fine
Why am i crying?
It doesn't hurt.

Stop.

Don't embarrass yourself,
People saw.

Do you need help?
no, haha
Im fine,

But thanks.

Do you need a ride home?
No i'm just going
Around the corner

Would you like a napkin?
Hm...
Yes please,
thank you.

Gotta get home
Call mom?
No

Tell ryon.

Get inside, clean yourself up.
Not that much blood,
I guess.

Ring
Ring
Oh, it's ryon

Hey, are you okay?
Tears, laughter,
No.

Do you want me there?
The show,
You can’t

I’m coming.
Okay,
okay,
Thank you.

The world is swirling
Vision's getting spotty
Black, Purple, Blue.

I’m gonna pass out.

No, just sit.

My hands,
I didn't notice cuz of my head.
My wrist

O   u   c   h.

Wash your hands.
Wipe your face
Eugh, it's cold.

Ryon?
Yeah, I'm still here
Are you still coming?

On my way.


...

Car door
Footsteps

Knock
Knock
It's ryon

Oh my goodness
Ha, I'm a bit of a mess

HANNAH!
Sorry, I fell.
Ha, I might be late.

Ice
Ow
It's cold

Call mom now?
No
I'm calling her.
No!

She's coming.

Hey
My phone is gone.
Oh, there.

Isaac.
Oh, what do I say?
No show tonight
Haha

Not anymore.

Please don't worry about me.
Please.

*** ARE YOU OKAY
HOLY F#@K WHAT HAPPENED
I fell

But I'm okay

Are you sure?
Yeah I think so.

Okay,
As long as you're safe.

i'm sorry that i'm an idiot.

You are home
But he is mystery
You are comfort
But he is adventure
You are laughs and smiles
But he is butterflies in my stomach
You are late night conversations
And watching the stars
And playing competitive video games
But he is yelling at the top of my lungs
Blushing for no reason
And stage kisses
You are life,
and friendship,
and coming home to a smile
He is running in the rain
and skating in new york
And swing dancing
But you, you are childhood
You are adulthood
You are everything
At seventeen.

And I?
I am yours.

Your insecurity:
I’d like to eradicate it,
Free you of it's grasp.

Your doubt:
I’d like to help you with it,
Work through it 'til it's passed.

Your issues,
Your fears,
Your flaws,
Your worries,
Your confusion,
Your anxiety,
Your anger,
Your sadness,
Your blues:
I’ll walk through it all with you.

And if you'd like to,
maybe someday your life,

I'll let you hold my hand.

Little things you do
Drive me crazy
I’m going insane,

You’re making me insane.

The way your smile
Scrunches up your eyes,
Its beautiful.

The way your laugh
Makes me feel
Like I’m on a high

And cant get down

Your little habits
Drive me wild;
I think i love you.

I think i do.

Ah,
What are these thoughts,
These foreign, intrusive spots,
In the cavern of my head?

What is their purpose?

Is it
A disease which i have caught?
If it’s love, I’d rather be shot.
To be unloved is worse than being dead.

Beautiful things
come to mind
when i think of you.

Lovely colors in faded hues,
smiles, grass, skateboards,
sunlight, bike rides, sneakers,
memories of times
that have never happened.

You have caused me
fantasy beyond the extent
of my former imagination,

it is a mystery
shrouded by
the possible and the plausible.

How will we end?
Are you just my friend?

I don't know yet.
I'm not sure , but
I think i might...

I think i might...

... I think i may be capable
of loving you.

Of all the sunsets in the world,
I’d like to sit and watch one with you.
If I could wish to go to any place,
it would not be a where,
or a when,
it would be a who,
and that who would be you.
I don't know
if i'm supposed to feel this way,
if i'm supposed to feel anything
towards you at all.
Because, truly,
despite my effort
not to collapse,
you have become
my biggest downfall.

I hate singing.
But I love it.

There are songs that make me feel
like I’m on top of the world
And songs that make me feel
Like I’m sinking back into that old spiral.

Songs that evoke anger and rebellion
Where I’d like to watch the world burn
Songs that make me giggle and dance
Like I’m seven years old and immature

Songs that make me silent and melancholy
Where sleep takes me by defeat too often
Songs that make me daydream
About the wind and the stars and light that softens.

But there is one more song
That i particularly hate.
It's the song of time, truth, and pain.

The steel song of cynical reality
Clanging against the soft copper
Of my hopes, my positivity.

It's the song that feeds into my mentality
Until It is plump with romanticism
And hopeless fantasy.

I love singing.
But i hate it.

Love is an odd phenomenon
It was what i used to live for
And now i run from it
But it has me cornered
And i don’t know how to escape.
I’m drowning.

I want to write music;
I can do it.
But i can’t,
Because nobody will listen,
And i don’t know how.
But the melodies bubble inside me
Making me sick,
And i want to get them out,
But i don’t know how.
So i hum
So i mumble
So i listen to other people's creations,
Hoping one day to have my own
But knowing i wont.

Her presence twists inside me
Like poison and vines.
It strangles me
From the inside out.

It pushes up my throat
And spills my insides,
That cascade to the floor
In a mess of emotion.

Dry heaving, choking,
On my own lies.
Driven insane by
The ones I’ve believed.

She torments me,
Ripping my morale to shreds.
She scatters what is left,
Spreading out the tatters.

Her purpose is my demise,
Her dream in my insanity.
She goes by many names,
But here her title is “Guilty.”

he may love me,
he may not.
pluck the petals and
watch them rot.

those leaves of three,
let them be.
don't be who they
think they see.

It’s so difficult to look at you
When you talk about our future.

When we laugh about growing old
Or more adventures in the cold.

To fantasize about the type of parents we’ll be
And how i’ll spill the family tea.

Or if you get married, and i don’t
I’ll be your kids crazy aunt.

About how we’ll share our entire life.,
And joke about being my backup
if i’m not married by thirty five

And all these futures that we make
Based of old memories that ache.

They look like a hope for the new
life i’ll be sharing with you.

Then college letters come in.
And ink drains from my pens,

'cause I’m just scribbling to preserve our youth.

Because we both know the truth.

but the moon is beautiful,
and in little over a month,
we'll be sitting under that moon on a mountainside,
far away from everything were going through now.
in a little over a month,
that same moon will sing us to sleep,
its soft lullaby blowing through the trees.
in a little over a month,
i'll be saying goodnight to you again.
and for now, i'll say goodnight to you,
simply, well, and plain.

running down the street
eyes glinting
illuminated by street lamps and stars
breathing hard

but consequences are temporary.

climbing shaky trees
ripping jeans
28 missed calls from my mother
but time with one another

because consequences are temporary.

gazing into black night skies
looking at your sea green eyes
the worst fall i've taken
so if i'm not mistaken,

maybe not all consequences
are temporary.

you make me do things
i know i should not do
and with the beat of thrill
i'll loose my rationale

because at least some consequences
are temporary.

there is meaning in a name
and a name for meaning;

you undoubtedly share one
with someone.

everything has a name:
cat, car, box, keys,

Hannah, Sarah,
Jacob, Aaron.

if we all have names
and names all have meaning,

what is the purpose of a name
if you have no purpose at all?

without a thought,
anything can mean nothing.

and nothing
can mean everything.

We draw to escape our lives,
We draw to escape reality.
With every stroke of a pen,
We wander into insanity

My veins have been replaced with ink;
Down, down, down I sink,
Skating on the unstable brink
of eternity and what others think.

they all say
that tomorrow
is a new day,

hold on to
the hope that's
inside you.

but oh, tomorrow,
tomorrow will be
worse

than yesterday.

I get too attached
I loved her so much
I wish I could be with her always
To give her hugs
All the hugs
To stargaze
And stay up until three just talking
To lie in a hammock eating
hot Cheetos and necco wafers
And to share secrets and problems
like they are nothing
To experiment with makeup
And to watch her fall asleep
in the bunk next to me
To sit in understanding silence
To hold my hand
Even sometimes sharing pants
To laugh about the boys we chase
To slowly watch her walk away
The best friend I've ever known
Has gone and left me all alone.

dark thoughts creep where they are unwanted
undesired ideas
flood the empty cavities within my skull
black.
white.
Gray.
it seems as if the color has drained from life
deep greens and rich blues
no longer paint the world
instead I am left with
black.
white.
and Gray.

you know,
they say
everything will be
okay
they’re lying,
lies are easy to believe
when truth is hiding

Do you ever feel homesick for a place that's not your home?
Or homesick for a place
That you've never been?
Maybe you've already left it,
maybe you'll never get in.
Or homesick for a person?
For the embrace of another?
Homesick for someone far away,
For a best friend or a brother?
That person that you love so much you cannot live without,
And even though there are miles between,
You never face a doubt.
Never doubted that they love you,
Never doubted that they'll be there.
Never doubted there's a place for us all,
Even if we don't know where.

why do we even have memories
or are even able to remember?
we forget the nicest things
but can recall the greatest offender.
the blink of an eye,
a cell's neuron wave,
that's how fast you can lose a whole day.
why can people remember what i can't?
why do our brains partake in this dance?
losing, forgetting,
creating, remembering,
what a mystery is the mind.

people have told me that i ask too many questions.

Is it wrong to seek the truth
or even just to wonder?
to see the beauty of the world
and stop to sit and ponder?
to think of something thats never been thought,
or to discover a deeper meaning to things,
to inquire if people can feel what you're feeling
is apparently a crime
when you ask "why?"

raindrops roll down my shoulders
as tears stream down my face.
the comfort of the water
is familiar, yet strange.

the chill sinks through my bones,
sharp and freezing to the core.
yet i welcome it with open arms,
the old friend from long before.

now everything is black and grey,
and my soul itself is numb.
i hope the pain will end today,
and the suffering will be done.

please let it end today,
please let it be done.

i just read as stupid story
about a man,
some songs,
and a pearl.

within its ninety pages i heard
a song of family,
a song of evil,
and a lesson of the world.

it told of the malignant fate
of a man,
a baby,
and a girl.

and evil stole an innocent life
because a sting
a doctor,
a rifle,

and a pearl.

you know that thing you find in life
and never want to let go?
well, i think i found mine
by the sea out in the cold.

and it did not take me long to know
that i cannot live without it.

Dear Friend…
I don’t know where to start.
Memories come to mind
Of how you stole my heart.

You didn’t ask.
No question or please.
Just sauntered in and took it,
Apparently with ease.

I’ve tried to get it back so hard,
Fought you countless times,
And yet my heart is tied to yours
A foreign feeling, but sublime.

I don’t know why it had to be this way
To always feel alone,
Because my background and my habits
I’ve stayed secluded as I’ve grown.

Of all the lies I’ve told myself,
This is surely one,
I swore I’d never have a friend,
But now look what you’ve done.

Your soft smiles make me smile too
Never ceasing to have beauty.
And the way you protect me from my fears
As if it is your duty.

And when you are filled to the brim
With tears that spill and shine,
Even when days are looking grim,
Know that you’ll be fine.

Lucy to my Ethel,
Mountain to my dew,
So my dear partner in crime,
Know I’ll never leave you.

Never forsaken never forgotten
Never will your days be rotten,
For if I love you and  you love me,
We’ll fill up our lives with memories.

The good and bad,
The pleasure the pain,
Through brightest sun
And darkest rain,

My friend,
I’ll be there for you.
So please say that
You’ll never leave me, too.

Things people say,
Things people do,

Why do they do them?

Things that I say,
Things that I do,

Why do I do them?

Everyone has a theory,
A thought, a notion,

But I have none.

Everyone has a will,
the desire to be free,

But where is their soul?

A reason to do,
A reason to say,

An explanation,
A truly free nation,

At what cost do these things come?

It’s not truly about the cost,
Or is it?

No.
It’s about if you’re willing to pay it.

“My love, come with me,” she whispered.
“Would you abandon this life with me?
To Explore the world courageously?
Or will you stay here.
Here,  where the rest of those who judge us,
The ones that call us different, stay.”

“My dear, But that would be cowardice,” he returned.
“Would you live here in this place with me?
To fight against discrimination and ridicule?
Or will you go?
Running from your problems like the wind,
As you always have before.”

Everything is perspective, we are told,
From your attitude to your observations.
If your glass is half empty or half full,
It still has something in there for you.

What you do with it is your choice.

Every day, I wake up.
Everyday, I must prepare myself for what  lies ahead.

The first step into the chill morning air always bites,
But not a much as the stares of my classmates.
The pain of my sprained ankle screams,
But not as much as the voices in my head.
The blast of my music hurts my ears,
But not as much as the whispers do.
The exhaustion makes me want to cry,
But not nearly as much as the stress.

Everyday I enter,
Everyday I leave.

Friends joke about the pressure I have on me,
But they have no idea.
People question why I always have my notebook,
But they don’t try to understand.
Teachers are upset when I miss assignments,
But they don’t know what’s truly missing.
My instructors tell me to sing my heart out,
But it seems I no longer have a voice.

Everyday for eight hours I face my greatest fears.
Everyday for twenty-four, people don’t know I have them.

All I’ve ever really wanted was a hand to hold.
There were times where I was reaching,
But everyone was too busy, too tired, too old.
Finally a lone hand sunk down into my sea
And I clutched it so tight
That I almost dragged it down with me.

In fear and panic
I let it go,
So I wouldn’t wreck its chances.
So here I still wait, regretting my choices
And making hopeful glances.
I'm searching for a hand,
But slowly my arm is weakening.
This is not what I had planned.

And that sad part is I know
If I again found a hand to hold,
I be too exhausted to hang on.

Looking at you gives me joy,
It cannot be expressed.
For when I look into your deep blue eyes,
I know that I am blessed.

I might be extroverted,
Many people might know who I am,
But you're the only one who truly sees
Me open up instead of clam.

I have built a wall so large
To cover up my sin
It used to keep me safe,
But now I’ve been locked in.

But you have come to set me free
Amidst of all my shock,
And just as i thought my time was up,
You’ve seemed to stop the clock.

You’re a jewel in any case,
Shining brighter than the sun,
But you can also be pure metal,
Sleek and fatal as a gun.

And this is why I love you,
My one and only friend,
You gave that horrible wall around me
An even more terrible end.

We may be years and miles apart
And meet but twice a year,
But as long as we stay connected,
Its as if you’re with me here.