Throwing rocks at the water
And I said to myself
I'm not ready to go
I'm not ready to go
Well there's someone knocking at my door now
Whispering sweet melodies and telling me that there's a fire burning in the trees
But I tell them I can't make it through there
I just can't get through there
I wouldn't make It through
Stronger than a steel cup sitting on the stove
with the gas in the air
Through the branches
The Ceiling crackles
its tougher than your skin
You're ages away
Time can only show
Where our souls will flow
of tomorrow
And today's ugly snow
The days will travel alone
And meet us by the power line where there will be singing crows
and it's white like your clothes

It's Friday night, summertime, and what am I doing?
Sitting on my ****, in my second story apartment, in silence, staring at my dead tv, doing absolutely nothing, frozen lips, frozen mind, frozen body.
I try so hard to melt this ice bubble around me,
it's controlling my entire self.
I want to break the ice.

Suddenly stranded,
I’m at the bottom of this pit of mush.
Full of angst,
Delusions.
Crawlies & wet dirt up to my chin,
Suffocating,
Anatomical heart thumping fast
Beating like a drum.
Despair,
Stretching out my arm,
Aiming it towards the bright light,
Barking for it to take a grasp of my hand and **** me in tight.
Shutting my eyes,
Seeing black,
Wanting to be black,
Disappearing into ashes.
Emptiness and motionless harmony,
Suddenly speaking.

pen down on the paper
no lifting, just scripting
words of affirmations,
sudden crossroads and explanations.
hear me out,
can't you listen?
i want to be your glisten.
reflect back onto your heart.

Made of spoon,
Plastic.
Fork made of steel,
when life gives you a man who controls how you feel.
Plastic spoon, fake and breakable,
steel fork, strong and irreplacable.

I always felt strange
Not mentally deranged
Just tangled up in pain
Games of the jealousy
Down low with no esteem
Maybe I'm just different than the rest
But we're all different
I'm sick of this place
It's not for me


Everybody's driving
Everybody's in their car
Next to me going fast on a route
A route to who knows what
Where is everyone going?
This never ending race

got a guitar hanging on my wall
Want to learn, teach myself
Express and raise my voice along a melody
But I just sit around and let my heart burn
And get wired up inside to get tired out
Let my heart ache all day then it gets too late
Back to bed again, and alls I feel is intense hate
For myself, for no good reasons
My mind, starts to tell, stories that aren't true
stories about me that I'm worthless
That I can't do the things I know I want to do
My secret passions that hide so deeply
Inside of me, somewhere, hard to find because of my mixed up mind
But I'm free, and i am controlling all of me
Self love is such a vital tool to this existence
I won't, I can't let my thoughts determine who I truly really am
Giving up is such an option that gives me struggles
Just to too tired for it all

miles into the sky, white and bright
appearing yellow, ginormous and hard to sight
amazing star, a king in my eyes
night, it sets, the morning, arise
elements it consists from the periodic table
makes me wonder how it is this able,
to help the green and **** sapiens stay awake
all the energy from it's power, we intake
this G2V star is too great,
the SunGod i call it, it is my fate

This world is so messed up
We're all working double shifts just to get some pay
To eat hay and there's none of those off days to sleep in all day
The exhaustion is unfair, unhealthy, and no one cares
The selfish, they work hard for their bucks
While the poor, they get money for giving their precious bodies for *****
It's so ****** up how the world spins and does its thing
The people in it they laugh, they don't cry, most don't even sing
I'm following, obeying
Not straying through that red light
Id like to give the sun a kiss
Cause
I've got thoughts of you, the thoughts of you, they are bliss
So **** full of bliss
Take me to the sun

What a December in this state
I'm spending my days in and nights in with socks full of ice
Nose like Rudolph the reindeer
The opposite Of poor
their brand new Veneers
Everyones Caroling along to those Christmas songs
While I'm baking my food for the next day that feels like ages long
Sittin' on the subway
The wheels are going/gliding/flying fast
Hearing myself inside
Asking, "why must we be mute? And hide?"
We're all human beings with hair, nails, and breathing
will they tell me where theyre from,?
Will that make them run?
This life of secrets isn't so fun
Were all really one
But stuck in a black plum

With all the doubts,
I realize
Unselfishlessly
How God is a Creator,
The Creator
How I am a creator, thanks to Him,
How if I care about each creation that I work on, to make it as perfect and good quality as I can get it to be,
What makes me think God doesnt care about all of His creation?
To form it into the best he can!
To appreciate and love his creation fully always and give Him the credit.

Stuck in my thoughts
It feels like forever
When I try too hard,
I don't get anywhere
I want to feel more connected toyou
But my connector to me is frayed
If my mind and my body become one again
Our love would be out of this universe
Bigger then all the hearts around us combined
Intense
Tired but I can't rest
Restless and
Stuck in my own mind
Losing /lost awareness
My surroundings make me clueless
What's around me
I don't know this
Smell the fresh air
Breathing careless
My thoughts are talking
Can't override them
I try to focus on myself but I can't
I know I say I can't but if I say I can, nothing happens
Negativity I wish it would jus disappear
It's hard work
It's a struggle
Got to fight through to produce these tears
All I say is how I want to feel again
How I want this how I want to be that how I want to do that so badly
But I'm stuck
In this never ending circle
The circle is a cycle
The circle has no opening and it feels like it's going to be forever
I say I know it's forever
It feels that way
I'm always feeling
But not really feeling
We're in this together
To be here for eachother
When we ache inside
When were lost from feeling alive
I don't want pity
I don't want you to give me anything
But love
Real tight hugs, caring words
Love is what I need
It's rough to get a cold brick wall feeling from you
I know you're under a lot you have a lot of weight on your bones
But It still sends tight vibrations down my spine
I can't see straight I can't hear words when I'm fed with fear
I hear the music but I don't feel it in my chest
I hear the lovely words in key
But I am so numb
It breaks my heart it's tears my heart apart to be so far
So far away from me
How is everyone such smiles?
And I'm just down with eyes full of salty waterfalls and my nose needing a tissue box/Kleenex
Please put your hand on my shoulder and rub it
Squeeze me shake me I want to feel you
Ground me
I don't need anyone to save me
I don't want to live anymore
In this detached world
I was fine before this struck
This CRAP IS SO horrible, ****

This is what life is, we don't really know where we're going, it is an every second exploration and observation of the time that passes us by. This is what it is to live.
We take part in making choices for ourselves which sometimes affect those around us, we have energy that the earth omits and energy, we emit.
Movement.
Our brains are like pieces of granola in a big bag, not one piece is exactly the same.
So we watch life, take part in it, to try and form into a "person", we make this game of living worth while.
But some of us, wonder, what is our purpose? How did we end up here? How did the earth form itself and progress into such a technologic, crime-infested, polluted, whirly world.
Non-Utopia.
This place can be such a wreck, everything can be seen different throughout each of our pair of eyes, or we may just have one eye or colorblind eyes.
Perceptions.
I don't really ever pay attention or even look at every part of my body and study it. It's amazing to me how intricate each ***** and our entire body is, how our body is such a team. Everything works together and if one thing goes wrong, we have our blood cells and other things inside of us that will back us up. It's incredible, but do we ever really wonder how we were made, what the real roots are, not just our mothers and fathers, but way back when....

Thank you Jesus for bringing my Uncle Paul back safely.

The rock
I hated the rock in the beginning
It stressed me out
I didn't know how to park without runni ng it over
I got stuck on it once with the car
I always thought I'd do it again and again after that bad experience
I had no choice but to **** it up and park in the parking spot with the rock there.
So after 3 yrs I got used to parking with it there, not every time was easy and I was often criticized by my landlord on my parking but I was determined and had no other option.
So over time it got easier and I rarely ever freak out over the "stupid" rock.
Now it's just what I live with day to day.
I can apply to rock to my negative thoughts here.
I realized I was less alone and crazy when I initially had to park with the rock I thought it was so silly and inconvenient and thought I was being a baby about it.
My uncle came and had to park in my spot last night and he himself hit the rock. It was new to him, he also got angry about it. Similar response to my first time,
he took it out on the rock and moved it out of the ground with his stregnth and put it back after. To show the rock whats what.
To move it and let it go back and move on.
This really taught me a lesson today.
In my own trauma and negative thinking, I got used to the rock and stopped feeling I couldn't learn how to park with the obstacle, it helped me attach this experience to my own thinking. That maybemovertime my panic and negative thinking, I can get used to and not worry about them as much, slowly hear them in my head and not follow them as often or believe Its not possible.
I thank paul and God for showing me this

This morning paul is moving the rock again/the obstacle, he doesnt want to pull out with the car in risks of it
He has such guts
He asked "what are you so afraid of? You're like your mother"
He taught me we dont have to chose to struggle
Even though he lives his life in complete hardships

Are you here for the same reasons?
What do we have in common? I bet there are a few things.
We are alike
Similarities strike again
The End of our roads will be the same
Our first breath to our last
I'm so beat up, my eyes are heavy, they're wearing out to the movement of pedestrians
I want to scream, oh this fatigue my bones feel weak, my neck starts to creak
I want out, wanna find my place
I wanna go out wanna go places
Wanna see the world

It's my  birthday, got balloons in my hand. No paper weight will hold me down.
I'll be blowing out my candles at 11:11, making stronger wishes to be free like the fishes.
Gifts galore but nothing means more than the bottle from the liquor store
and 21 will never bring me down.

If God can create rain, or lightening, how is that not a miracle?
Or a mind blowing concept at the least?
Just because we see it often doesnt mean it's not incredibly different and awesome.
And just as powerful as a biblical story.
Imagine if you saw rain for the first time.
People back then saw miracles for the first time, or they saw Gods powers like turning Lots wife into a pillar of salt.
No matter how ridiculous it sounds,
God can do anything.
If he created the universe, what makes us second guess the stories in the bible?
Anything is possible with Him.
We are always trying to figure things out on our own.
If God answered prayers right away all the time, he would have no teachings for us, no purpose for us, we would know it all before hand. He has plans, structure, and we learn a lot of this in His word. We learn more about Him.

the same things
the same poem themes
the same old smelly garbage
the same days that go by
the same mornings
the same feelings
the same complaining
the same worry
the same hopelessness
the same
the same me

As  I stand at my counter, ringing out young mothers with their new born babies & toddlers, I have thoughts producing constantly, some that I cannot place together to make sense and some that I think and tell myself, this type of work is only temporary, I wonder what I want to do...with my minutes, hours, days...my life.
I have too much on my mind.
I was just thinking "I like to smile" while ringing someone out but I still hide my smiles and it's hard to control even though, it's me, I'm in control, I control what I do, I control what I say, where I guide MYself, me.
I cannot break my serious face, I feel bad for being nice.
If I am who I am, I'm either too nice to people and they think I'm being superficial.

The moonlight shines through my second story window, it's 3am, i'm waking up again
come steel the glass of water from my nightstand,
I just want to see you again, get that glimpse of your silhouette,
hear your breath down my neck again,
switch on a light, turn me on,
help me put out my fires,
got to start accepting these desires.
You can catch me holding onto my bedsheets, waiting for the sun to come up

Where were you when I was growing up?
You were in college getting A's while I was getting D's in science class in the 5th grade.
I remember asking if you wanted to draw with me and you never had the "time"
10 minutes out of your ******* busy day to spend with your CHILD.
yeah, I understand bringing food to the table is important and your brain wasn't fully developed until 25 but, where were you?
I loved that computer. Oh, AOL 5.0, talking to strangers, going into lesbian chats, looking at naked pictures of women.
I appreciated when you paid attention to me when I would wear the same underwear and pants weeks straight.
It was amazing that you noticed I never used to take my Ritalin and that I would hide it under my tongue and then stick it in a mug under my ****** twin bed.
I've had 8 cats during my lifetime?
Do you remember April that cat, that siamese cat, our 5 cats? What was up with having so many **** CATS?
I loved watching nickolodeon and nick at nite. Cat dog all day with 5 kittens in our lovely apartment.
LOVED having your now "husbands" nephew trying to have *** with me when I was like 11 and he was 18.
The moths were fun.....fancied smelling like moth ***** during school!
I loved taking baths only because we had no shower head. Filling up a plastic cup with water to be able to wash my hair was my favorite.
I loved when you threw a hair dryer at me.
Digging your stupid fake nails into my skin, not sure what I did "wrong" then but that was always the best treatment, CHILD.
My favorite was when you helped with my homework.
Loved when you threatened that you would "tie a rope around my neck" and that you hated me.
Loved eating raviolis and getting 2 chicken sandwiches from Mcdonalds. Oh, 4 mini burgers and fries from Whitecastle after going to Marshalls was my favorite.
That guy, that assyrian, iranian guy that owned Carvel and was 20 years older than you...I loved when he used to let me go outside alone the condos when I was 3.
Loved when he'd force me to where overalls and ugly clothes in elementary school.
Being forced to go to an Assyrian church every sunday was the best!

Are you here for the same reasons?
What do we have in common? I bet there are a few things.
We are alike
Similarities strike again
The End of our roads will be the same
Our first breath to our last
I'm so beat up, my eyes are heavy, they're wearing out to the movement of pedestrians
I want to scream, oh this fatigue my bones feel weak, my neck starts to creak
I want out, wanna find my place
I wanna go out wanna go places
Wanna see the world

really up, really down
love inside a cup,
drowning in a frown