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Ginamarie Engels May 2013
I dream to be aware of my surroundings
To notice it all crystal clear
perceive the world around me to be blissful and near without added fear
What its like to really feel an objects existence
To understand the meaning of existence itself
Need someone to bring me back to my core
I'm lost, my mind is sore and the life I'm in is such a bore
Ginamarie Engels Mar 2013
Stuck in my thoughts
It feels like forever
When I try too hard,
I don't get anywhere
I want to feel more connected toyou
But my connector to me is frayed
If my mind and my body become one again
Our love would be out of this universe
Bigger then all the hearts around us combined
Tired but I can't rest
Restless and
Stuck in my own mind
Losing /lost awareness
My surroundings make me clueless
What's around me
I don't know this
Smell the fresh air
Breathing careless
My thoughts are talking
Can't override them
I try to focus on myself but I can't
I know I say I can't but if I say I can, nothing happens
Negativity I wish it would jus disappear
It's hard work
It's a struggle
Got to fight through to produce these tears
All I say is how I want to feel again
How I want this how I want to be that how I want to do that so badly
But I'm stuck
In this never ending circle
The circle is a cycle
The circle has no opening and it feels like it's going to be forever
I say I know it's forever
It feels that way
I'm always feeling
But not really feeling
We're in this together
To be here for eachother
When we ache inside
When were lost from feeling alive
I don't want pity
I don't want you to give me anything
But love
Real tight hugs, caring words
Love is what I need
It's rough to get a cold brick wall feeling from you
I know you're under a lot you have a lot of weight on your bones
But It still sends tight vibrations down my spine
I can't see straight I can't hear words when I'm fed with fear
I hear the music but I don't feel it in my chest
I hear the lovely words in key
But I am so numb
It breaks my heart it's tears my heart apart to be so far
So far away from me
How is everyone such smiles?
And I'm just down with eyes full of salty waterfalls and my nose needing a tissue box/Kleenex
Please put your hand on my shoulder and rub it
Squeeze me shake me I want to feel you
Ground me
I don't need anyone to save me
I don't want to live anymore
In this detached world
I was fine before this struck
This CRAP IS SO horrible, ****
Ginamarie Engels Mar 2013
It's amazing how the brain functions and works, a traumatic experience in your life especially as a child can be regressed for such a long period of time then later revealed in adulthood and then the overwhelming feelings of shame, confusion, the "why me?", the guilt, the personal neglect, the shield, but then understanding yourself more... When you've struggled to find yourself and always felt so lost, so distant, so disconnected and so different and it starts to come clear to you and god starts to show you the past memories and what you've experienced. The visions you see, the first step of the healing process, being a victim of ******, physical, emotional, mental abuse
Ginamarie Engels Mar 2013
Took out a pencil to erase my past
Pressure down on the paper while you're sitting in the chair
There's candle wax all over the tables
From candlelit canvases. You blew the flame out
Grey clouds and bags of flour mixed together, we go sour, we went sour
I kissed the mirror with my lipstick
I saw the hand watch tick away, away
And the time to play
means that you can't stay
before the day turns into
melted sun rays
Ginamarie Engels Mar 2013
It's Friday night, summertime, and what am I doing?
Sitting on my ****, in my second story apartment, in silence, staring at my dead tv, doing absolutely nothing, frozen lips, frozen mind, frozen body.
I try so hard to melt this ice bubble around me,
it's controlling my entire self.
I want to break the ice.
Ginamarie Engels Mar 2013
Throwing rocks at the water
And I said to myself
I'm not ready to go
I'm not ready to go
Well there's someone knocking at my door now
Whispering sweet melodies and telling me that there's a fire burning in the trees
But I tell them I can't make it through there
I just can't get through there
I wouldn't make It through
Stronger than a steel cup sitting on the stove
with the gas in the air
Through the branches
The Ceiling crackles
its tougher than your skin
You're ages away
Time can only show
Where our souls will flow
of tomorrow
And today's ugly snow
The days will travel alone
And meet us by the power line where there will be singing crows
and it's white like your clothes
Ginamarie Engels Mar 2013
I'm crawling I'm crawling underneath the sky
im crawling on top of the ground try to catch me cause I'm nowhere to be found
I'm crawling I'm crawling underneath the sky
I'm crawling on top of the ground try to catch me cause I'm nowhere to be found
You can't, you can't find me
While stirring up your coffee cup and milking your bones
You're shaking your teeth
while your nose hits the floor
And I don't want to smell the roses anymore
You're shaking your teeth
while your nose hits the floor
And I don't want to smell the roses anymore
You can't spot me from the top of a tree
When I'm crawling underneath the sky
I'm nowhere to be found
but in my head
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