sitting in a park, not too far from your home, i wandered the grass still wet with rain. I watched the leaves fall silent, fluttering to the ground like broken birds trying to land without dying. there in that serene scene of nature and disrepair i saw the boy, laughing and running, oblivious to the melancholy. he shared my features, just as if i had a son. stricken with wonder, i watched myself frolic in the damp and dreary weather loving the simple state of the world. it was at that moment that wished i was him again, free from the pains that the weight of the world press upon us. free from an endlessly broken heart, pieced back together too many times to call it whole. i wished myself a kid again. yet no man goes back and no scar is disappeared. the rain cries for us, those who are too tired to shed anymore tears. and so it did and i fell deaf, in awe of the blessed beauty of youth in all its splendor.

tired, tired of being alive. tired of breathing disgusting air and the lies the world spews forth from its idiotic bowels. tired of picking up trash and squeezing through the crowds of happy-go lucky yuppies and their screaming chocolate covered children. tired of seeing you every ******* Sunday. tired of shedding tears for constantly thinking about someone who doesn't think of me anymore. tired of the realization that having thoughts means nothing and they are but silent deceivers of what could happen only in my deepest heart wrenching dreams.

just plain tired.

i guess it's time to do as the doctor ordered and pop another klonopin.

*******. i hate your stupid ******* face. you left me and i fell apart. i am a crumbling mess of a man and you just keep on being you, making music and drawing and being happy with your new ******* boyfriend. you probably tell him he's perfect too. what a ******* lie. i should have spit those hollow words back at your feet. you hurt me so bad my body revolted against my mind and all i do anymore is fight away the panic and anxiety of  being me. i have new pills now, valume, effectsor and citalopram make up my new life.
i've bottled my anger until it made me pass out and puke but now, in this moment of painlessness, i just want you to know that you ****.
and i love you. i really, really do... but who the **** even cares. ****!

There I stand, naked for the world to see.

I look into the eyes looking back at me.

And all I can see is blue iris' and sorrow behind those funny shaped pupils.

hello.
hi.
how are you today?
ok, as usual i guess.
just ok?
yep.
would like any tea or water?
no thank you.
ok. well, how was your weekend?
fine i guess, i went out with schuyler and his girlfriend and austins girlfriend. i guess their friends now. we went to the beach. i didn't eat anything and drank all day so i work ****** the next day.
you don't sound very enthusiastic, didn't you have a good time?
sort of, cora brought a friend and i apparently wooed her somehow.
well that's exciting. are you interested in her?
not really.
why?
i don't know. she seems really nice and smart, i just don't have any real motivation to go through all the dating hurtles right now.
can you explain?
(long exasperated sigh) i'm just tired of being disappointed. the person i'm in love with dosen't love back anymore, i don't really want anyone else and the idea of meeting some new person that somewhere down the line will tell me i'm "perfect" and then leave when i've invested myself into them sounds pretty awful.
what about all the parts of dating?
what about them? i guess i'm just tired of going out with people and thinking of willa the entire time. it makes me feel boring and crazy. i try to hide it and not focus on it and you know what happens? i get asked like 4 times a day if theres something bothering me. i'm just too transparent.
i understand, how you feel but you have to move on.
i know that. i want to. i deleted my facebook, my tumblr, i took down all the things she gave me and put them in a box, believe me, i'm trying. but despite everything, i have these moments where some random little thing reminds me of her, a song, a youtube video, a street, something someone says. and all i can do is think of how amazing she is and how much it hurts to not have her in my life.
...
i understand.
...
how was sunday?
...
...
i'm tired of them.
why?
i don't really feel like talking about it.
(light scoffing sound) well, i hate to break this to you gil, but that's kind of why your here.
(slight smirk) yeah i guess that's true. i'm tired of them because of they make feel fake. i have to be this different person that is nice and helpful and almost chipper. and it ***** when im in a bad mood and i just have be that way anyway.
does pretending ever trick you into being happy?
not really.
do you like your job?
sometimes. 60/40 these days. but since the breakup, i have to see her pretty much every sunday which kind of *****.
really? that must be difficult. why do you say "kind of *****"?
its a bitter sweet thing. i like seeing her cause she was my best friend and the person i loved more than anyone and its nice reminder that all it was real but at the same time its a reminder of how its gone now.
plus she doesn't get it.
what do you mean?
i don't know, shes just so ok with everything. we're on apposing ends of it all and i bet she doesn't even think about me anymore.
i'm sure that's untrue.
yeah maybe. i don't know. she just seems so happy whenever i see her and i wish it was cause of me.

end

I have tried and i have tried, and yet i cannot peel myself away from you. you are a serene siren, the sweetest tune, ringing out to me in the dead of night, calling to me with your memories and my dreams, i keep coming back, like an addicted sailor, crashing my hull against the jagged rocks, hoping against knowledge, that I'll see a glimmer in your eye for me once more. it hurts me every single time but i am but an embodiment of weakness in the wake of your ever living presence. i go on, look at what your life is like "without" and get off feeling more empty inside then ever before.
like a knife in my side, i limp away from the pale, mocking screen, finding it slightly hard to breath.

login, click, chick, scroll, scroll, logout. reset the sorrow.

i sit here in the deep darkness, lonely as a baby bird, who has fallen from its nest. the waves of your words crash against my fragile mind. eroding me like what water does to a sandy bluff. you said so many things that you can never take back. like you loved me, like i was perfect. even with my so many scars, i believed you. what kind of fool would put stock in such silly declarations. but i am a man that does not question the one he loves. and my love for you is as wide as the sea.