you said love like it was a raft
I pulled you ashore
you pulled me under

pulling me in with each note,
your fingers struck keys and
my heart struck my ribs with each beat
I want to sing along
but it's so hard when I can't breathe

There are hills,
There are trees,
Everywhere
It's a never-ending forest
And it's beautiful.
Colorful row houses
Spring up among them
Stacked on the slopes,
Like a hillside in Italy
Defying gravity

That little pizza shop
is still there
The crust is thick and soft
with the perfect crunch
-- just on the bottom.
The Italian restaurant
Still serves perfect wedding soup
And fantastic spaghetti
And hasn't changed a bit.

The buildings in the city
so tall, so beautiful,
so much bigger
than anything I'm
used to
keep me feeling small,
keep me looking up at the heavens

I can see all the bridges
All the stadiums
All the rivers
From the top of a hill

I look around and think
"I'm finally home."

I am trying too hard to be a deadly fire
or an unspeakable storm,
I am trying too hard to be angry
and unlovable
though I know I am neither
I am trying too hard
to be chaotic and indestructible
trying to create coldness and bitterness
even though I know that flaws are human
and unconditional love exists.
There is artful beauty in the aftermath of mistakes,
you just have to find it.

Sometimes, Saturdays are too quiet
silence swallows thoughts
about papers and parties
woes and worries
about exams and events
and leaves too much room for your words
that reverberate in my skull

missing you was once feeling broken
to miss you was to be afraid
to stand helpless as longing punctured my heart,
seeping a poisonous blend of nostalgia,
guilt, and anger around my lungs
to wait as the ache spread throughout my body bringing
days of discomfort and confusion
a kind of heavy weight that makes smiles impossible
the kind that makes an empty bridge look like open arms
I could sit and miss you until it drove me mad,
until I had lost myself in a cycle
of love, guilt, and hate
my body paralyzed while my mind battled for clarity
to miss you was to cause myself unbearable pain
and yet I couldn't stop as it flowed through my veins,
a drug I couldn't refuse
missing you was was a tornado tearing walls down
until I was left on an empty foundation,
shuddering, breathless, and windswept

but missing you now is like living someplace new,
everything is different but the world isn't ending
where there once were threatening storms,
all that's left is a breath of relief,
an absence of pain that leaves me floating
I remember you like summers past,
Missing you is like flipping through photographs,
I remember you and smile

I'm still trying to understand the fact that no baby is born hating itself and yet as life goes on people will love you but they might also hurt you or leave you or any number of horrible things, and all you can do is let them leave with pieces of you and try to fill the holes back in with something else or else try to forget that the hole is there (or at least try to forget the person that caused it) and as life goes on all of those holes make us grow in different ways than we were headed (like when people make cuts in trees and manipulate to make them grow knotted together -- people put holes in us and we try to grow around them or away from them) and we just get more and more ****** up each time until there are things we don't like about ourselves and then we expect someone else to love our insecurities when all we do is complain about them and how empty we feel (we're all full of holes) and if someone had just told us to keep loving ourselves from the start and to remember that we're all flawed humans maybe it wouldn't hurt so much when I am lying awake at three in the morning because you didn't text me back when you said you would and I'm starting to see all of the imperfections in my face and my personality and I can't sleep because I'm trying to remember just one reason that I ever thought you could love me.

I try to hate you with all of my will
my body fights back with
the tightening of my throat,
tries to sabotage me by
flooding my body with tears,
and twisting knots in my abdomen
too tight for rage to escape
my voice comes out in hushed tones
not forceful enough to show anger
I think I should hate you with all of my will
*my body won't let me

Relics of you
(Old sweaters and letters)
Line the walls of my hiding place
(I may have dug myself in too deep this time)

I am torn between two paths,
but to make my own is to
leave my fellow travelers behind

a skeleton wrapped
in the flesh of a peach
I am easily bruised
but not easily bled

I return not out of fear
but out of the notion that
I can wait out your mean streak
just as I would a common cold

a skeleton wrapped
in the flesh of a peach
I am easily bruised, but
you will not bleed me out

you have always stood firm,
blocking my every path,
so I finally released my wrath,
eroding you with an acid tongue,
and going on my merry way

I want to rake down your back
Leaving neat little lines
So I can grow in the cracks

I want to infest every inch of you
Grow vines around your brain
Until you wake up at 3am
Singing my name

he had stars in his eyes
when he was excited about something,
an energy she could feed on,
and a way of speaking that
left her feeling like the world
was, in fact, a good place

what a pair we are
walking down the street
you cloaked in cynicism,
and I draped in doubt

the Air is more than thick,
It is hot, touchable, an
entity on its own
It clings to my bare shoulders,
sticky and uncomfortable,
heavy like a wet towel
the Air is humid, and when
I breathe it, I feel as though
I am underwater,
struggling to find oxygen

When I finally climb the stairs
and open the red door,
I find myself relieved at the
feeling of chilly air
on my sticky skin
It whisks away the heat
and I shut the door behind me,
knowing that summertime is here

I knew I didn't love you anymore
When I could fall asleep without pills
My own exhaustion was enough to quiet my mind, to take my thoughts and smother them
I didn't need alcohol anymore to forget the way your eyes lit up and I can't remember how they made me feel when they looked into mine
I don't spend all day punishing myself for staring at your photographs because I've rid myself of all of them (the first one I burned slowly in my fireplace when I was too weak for anything else and needed to watch the flames lick at your face to remind me of reality, needed to pretend you had burned away too to convince myself you weren't coming back,and the final few I tossed carelessly in the trash as I cleaned my house after a party)

I no longer think of your smile in the moonlight,
Or the way your hair looked in sunlight
I have given away everything you gave me
(including the love, which now resides in the heart of a friend who lost her sister and needs it more than I)
And this letter, my once dearest, is my final goodbye

I'm a mess
And I'm 99.99% sure there's
A rope tied around my heart because

Why else would my chest feel so heavy?

And the knot must be right below my lungs,
An inch or two under the hollow in my chest there.

And even though that's where I think it is,
I can't find it without cutting myself open
And spilling my viscera all over the floor.

So please, shake me until the knot loosens
So I can finally breathe again

And shake all of the feelings out with it.

My friend asked me about my conversation with you today.
I told her you must have run over me with a truck.
She was confused, and I explained that you left me speechless.

she's calling me with hushed serenades,
sweet lullaby breath
instructed by celestial sheet music

she is the night in motion as she kisses me,
and I am careful to keep my distance
lest she knocks me off my feet

you taste like cinnamon
but you smell like kerosene
my heart is on fire
and my flesh is burning

you made me laugh,
you told me stories,
you held the door open,
you made me happy,
and I fell in love

I felt whole
without
reaching for
your hand
and
my ears buzzed
until they
rang with silence
I stepped into
a storm --
tame rain,
wild lightning,
clean water, pure quiet.

"There was something about that boy,"
she said, and I could feel her words
creep into my brain and pull at my heart,
they hit close to home, "he could make
anyone feel special, you know?
It was like his smile had the power
to make or break a person,
and he built me back up,
he put the pieces together
and made me whole again
with just that smile.
I swear it."

Her eyes were far away then,
and I imagined this one boy
taking her hand and making everything okay.
"All I've ever gotten from love is trouble,"
I say, thinking about my latest failed
attempts at living a fairytale with
a boy that had puppy dog eyes
and a wolf's bite, a pearl-white smile
that turned to snake fangs at night.

But this boy she talked about,
--with so much love in her voice,
so much joy behind her eyes,
so many memories in her brain
that I can almost see them,
I am almost a part of them--
everything about him must
have been beautiful


and that's exactly what I want.

I should tell you...
there's always music
right here,
between my ears

it never stops
-- but sometimes it changes,
like when I see you

it picks up the pace
my heart is it's rhythm,
and it's a fantastic new song
--loud and strong,
beautiful and happy--
that makes me stand up
and dance around
twirling
circles and circles
until I fall down again

I want to tell you not to make my mistake.
I want to tell you not to build walls. You pick up brick by brick, hiding yourself in the structure you've created. You feel safe until you realize you are left alone, trapped in the cage you built to be a home, standing in darkness and suffocating among walls that won't reach out to help you.
I want to tell you I understand.
I want to tell you that I often draw up blueprints for my home. When the world gets too close to me, I sketch tall ceilings above strong walls. I plan elaborate architecture. I sketch large windows that allow for sun-drenched rooms and put details on tall towers until I have a magnificent mansion, knowing all along that it's just a clever disguise for the cage I must never let myself enter. Once you go in, it's very hard to break down the walls.
I want to tell you to give up your bricks.
I want to tell you that you will feel better when you let them go. When things are hard, your hands will twitch until you grab your drafting pen, you'll still set out sheets of paper and start thinking about your walls, but you'll feel better knowing you're only making plans. I know the bricks are heavy, but you don't have to move them alone. I want to tell you to ask for help.
I want to tell you to let Him carry them away.
I want to tell you to let them go.
I want to tell you to stop pretending.
I want to tell you everything will be okay.
I hope you can hear me through your walls.
I don't think you can.

I woke up this morning with a caged heart
and while the caged bird sings,
a heart can only beat harder,
trying to break the cage
or else it aches in its confined space
begging to be free again

the girl took a long shower

she scrubbed until her skin turned red under the too-hot water
she scrubbed so she could feel clean again
she scrubbed away his fingerprints and his warm breath on her neck
but when she had scrubbed away her outermost layer
and stepped into the cold air
waiting to be the old her again
she still felt wrong
instead of clean she was raw
every inch of her skin fire, every nerve ending feeling too much
she climbed back into the water
she started again
she scrubbed so she could feel the same as before

the time never came

Please take note:
1. Give your heart to the boy with the crescent moon smile. Make sure it appears whole and perfect.
2. When he breaks it, tell him it's only a scratch. Polish it and hand it back to him with a smile. Do not hand him the magnifying glass. Do not let him see all of the other cracks. He has too many of his own, and you'll spend your time wishing you could fix them.
3. When someone lets you see the rough edges of themselves where the seams have been ripped and re-sewn, give them a hug and a smile and tell them that they are loved, tell them that you will listen. Talk to them like you would talk to yourself. To do this you will need to pretend you are normally honest with yourself. Do not ask them why it happened -- it is over now. Do not try to erase the scars -- they are there for a reason. They are scars for a reason. The body has healed them. Do not try to fix something that has healed. You will say too much and regret it.
4. When the boy asks you if you are upset tell him yes. Your smile is not strong enough for him to believe it. Do not tell him why you are upset. You are too strong to let it leave your lips. Do not let the cracks show.
5. If you are afraid or upset or lonely, write it down. Your words will seem silly in the broad light of day, but the feeling of pen on paper or fingers on keys will put you at ease. Let yourself be at ease. Listen to something beautiful and let yourself get sleepy. Let whatever emotion you are feeling come out as a sigh before you shut your eyes. Let sleep and music and words written be the charms that keep it away. Breathe out. Do not let the cracks show.
6. When you cry at something that should make you smile and your friends look at you like you're crazy do not explain. Tell them that you just can't contain your happiness. Do not tell them the way your heart feels hard and heavy in your chest and that the gift they sent you or compliment they paid you took the burden of hiding your emotions from your face just long enough for your eyes to let a few tears escape. They will not understand. Do not let the cracks show.
7. Finally, when you are alone and the door is closed and every living soul is gone and every emotion is pushing on the cracks from the inside out, let yourself be broken. Pour sadness and anger and hurt on the floor like a broken glass pours out wine. Look at everything you have spilled. Feel the shame from the first time you were broken and then feel nothing more. Grab a mop and clean the floor. Grab a towel and take a bath. When you are empty and naked and still alone, pick up each piece of yourself from the floor. Glue them together and smooth the seams away. Paint them to match your skin and polish them until they can't be seen. Get dressed. Fill yourself with food, music, writing, and smiles. Do not let the cracks show.

I'm too confused to turn my thoughts into poetry so I let them mix together like paint until I make a nasty, muddled mess. I'll glop them on a canvas and call it "Love, I Guess." I'd like to crack your skull open so you can feel this raw. Then I'd fill your head with termites and watch them as they knaw. I want you to feel helpless so you can understand why I'm so breathless. Why am I so loveless? Why am I so hopeless? Just feel nothing and everything all at once, or, rather, everything and do nothing about it. Maybe I'll feel nothing so I can do everything wrong. I'll dance a dance or sing a song and let rain fall around me without covering my hair because I just don't care anymore. I just don't care. I'm in like and love and hate and jealousy and loneliness and an unfailing passion to have everything I've never had before. Crack my head open and take out my limbic system. Let me be numb. Take out the memories. Let me be dumb. Clean it all off and put it back in. Let me feel whole again.

I started daydreaming again
I blame it on the weather
The sky is too grey 
The air is too warm
And the rain seeps into the earth,
Making everything dreamy and dark
I though of how wonderful it would be
To sit in the very back seat of your car,
Just you and I,
A lantern on the floor between us
The seats reclined so we can rest our feet in front of us
We'd spend the night sharing stories
And contemplating heaven and earth
While the light runs out,
And I slowly fall asleep in your arms

Most people
look for ships to rescue them,
but you have this way of using words that
I want to sink into

Dark waters never looked like
love until you started lapping up around my skin and promising to pull me under.

Have you ever looked up at the sky from beneath the water?  
Watched as ripples dance across the clouds?
And finally there is a
tangible barrier between
you and the sky and
you and the marathon
you tell yourself you'll run and
you and the things you've been reaching for indefinitely and

it's so clear
you can see everything
but you don't have to come up yet

It's so nice to finally have a reason all around me,
to be able to touch the reason why I can't breathe

And there you are at the
bottom of it all,
smirking as I reach the
bottom of the bottle,
following your siren call

your image fades from mind
as the sun sets to a black sky and
I wonder if you meant what you said,
I wonder if I really want you to mean it,
I wonder if, sitting here in the dark,
I think I am in reach of something
that is no longer there

Eleanor lives in house number three
And walks through her garden there
It's the place where she always wants to be.

There's a swing outside hanging from the tree
That she and her neighbors share,
Eleanor who lives in house number three

Eleanor and her friends squeal with glee
As they take turns flying through the air
It's a place where they always want to be.

As she swings she imagines what it's like to be free
And to live a life without any cares
In a world away from house number three

She tried to beg and she tried to plea
Now children only play there on a dare
It's a place where no one wants to be.

Eleanor tried her best to flee
But he caught her by the hair
Eleanor lived in house number three
And that's where her soul will always be.

he seeped into my life slowly
and it was like being 8 again and
finding myself
suddenly carted 12 hours away
to a new life, one
that feels like brand new shoes

but suddenly it's broken in
& everything was familiar
& he was familiar
before I could even drag
my heels in resistance

he spilled words and ideas,
I licked them up like the coffee
that I carry, escaping onto its lid
and he is borderless

I am walking under a blue sky
unpunctuated by clouds,
it is endless &
the dopamine rush makes everything brighter

I look up and I am lost at sea
the sky is so blue
I am lost in his smile and his quirks
& God, he's so awkward

but I feel safe
like
I never want to leave
&
maybe I'll tell him everything
&

bitter coffee spills again on its lid

I sip it slowly

the sky is so blue,
so deep,
he is endless,
how am I not drowning

I listen to cars roar past on the busy road around the corner
and here I am with sighs waiting on my lips
and here I am without you

II.
you told me that if
I tried to touch the bottom,
I wouldn't make it back up,
so I sit here with empty bottle in hand to
prove you wrong,
and I wish I had told you
how afraid I am of drowning
because I already spend so much time
panicking until I go numb

I.
with your love wrapped
around my throat I couldn't breathe,
you gave it to me without
knowing my faults underneath,
the guilt knocked
the chair out from under my feet,
because I couldn't trust
you and your moonlit teeth

III
In April I suffocate
remembering winter winds
and sickly sweet carnations
Holy Thursday holds
a different meaning in my home
I remember dark dresses & shoes,
I started wearing black
and I never really stopped

my body has never felt so heavy
my skin has never been so hot
it takes effort to climb just a few stairs
and when I lie down,
it's like I'm sinking into the bed below me
too heavy to move
too hot to move
I am burning away like coal
but I'm not getting any lighter