he told me he loved me, did you know that? weeks ago . . . and i've been thinking about saying it back for days, but every time -- every ******* time -- i think about it, there you are. with your stupid name and your stupid self and ******* i loved you, you know that? i loved you so much that the thought of saying it to anyone else physically hurts. it feels like it'd be physically impossible to get the words out. two years down the road and here i am, tongue-tied in front of a boy you don't even know, screaming at my memories of you for not being able to catch me.

I broke up with him
A couple years ago
We were best friends
Each other's first love
But we grew apart
Like most first loves do
We remained friends
Though I didn't think
He was quite over me
I wanted him to move on
He was so deserving of a woman
Intelligent, generous, sensitive
He really is the perfect package
Now it seems as though
We aren't as close as we used to be
We say we're each other's good friend
But sometimes it doesn't feel that way
The details are no longer known
Just small conversations
And short hang out sessions
Here and there
From time to time
I feel like I'm losing my best friend
A constant in my life
I fear losing him completely
He was my first everything
He taught me so much
I miss the simpler days
When he used to be mine
I think nowadays he's onto someone new
And I'm happy for him
He deserves it all
And she's a lucky girl
I'll always cherish him
And miss the blissful innocence
Of first love and confidence

Can
       you
              please
                        turn
           ­                  out
                        the
                 lights
         when
    you
go?

you smelt of cigarette smoke too often
and you asked me what I believed in
I said I believe in the way
my knees shake when they hear your voice
I believe in the way babies cry
when they see life for the first time
I believe in the way the sun
always rises in the morning
and sets in the evening
I believe in the way
my stomach becomes
so twisted and tangled
when your eyes entwine
like ropes with mine
I believe in the way
soldiers are sometimes
at war with their own mind
I believe in the way my head
starts becoming dizzy when
you talk for a long time
I believe in sons and daughters
finding their mothers and fathers
in graves they've never seen  before
I believe in the art
of leaving
and
moving pain
for the night to come so it can
hit you in the morning  
I believe in my bones shivering
to hear your name again
I believe in the type of love that hurts
                                                        bre­aks
and                                                 bruises
everything you thought you needed
I believe in the stars and
how they just are
you smelt of cigarette smoke too often
and you asked me what I believed in  
I wasn't lying when I said you
                             -(k.s)