I’m not happy because you’re no longer in my life.
I’m happy because I know that I am healing and growing in your absence, and resting easy that I know that you’re working on yourself too.

I gave up.
I gave up on my dreams.
I gave up every ounce of hope.
I gave up on who I was.

I gave up on everything almost everyone held dear,
On what they only dreamt of having,
The power, the fame, the money, the pleasure.
I gave up on the very thing I lived for.

All for a shot of redemption.

I find subtle irony in it.
And now here I am...

I called a philosopher,
former teacher of mine
for and advice and asked;
“Good evening sir,
I have been left alone again
Could you spare some advice
For a boy who wishes to be better
In his beloved’s absence?”
He told me the secret
and key to growth,
“Gaius” he called me
“I’m proud that you’ve grown
and became a man.”
He talked to me like an equal,
sharing his knowledge about growth
he told me that
I have come a long way
that I learned to compromise
and have sacrifice
I replied with a question asking
“What must I do to grow and be better?”
and his answer shocked me.
He first told me that
He was proud of the progress I had
For the man I had grown to become
He acknowledged my pain and grievance
and reassured me.
And then told me that in order to grow
I must be patient with myself
as have I been with the woman I love
I must acknowledge
the longuers in life and everything else
that happens regardless of bias and pain
as if it were my greatest achievements
And that I must be grateful for everything
and learn from past events as if they were
the greatest gifts that I had received.
Everything else is simply there to be one
of the experiences that
I must learn from, acknowledge and be grateful for
And soon I’ll see myself blooming
for I’m a plant who started growing leaves.

We have our solo acts
the chaos of our own,
but in our song
I accompany you with
a chaos of my own.
Perfectly intertwined,
playing each note carefully.
Conjuring music and magic
conveying the tragedy of living.

“Don’t lose yourself” ,
they said
but what exactly
do you lose?
Nothing.
You simply go through and learn
from an experience
and change.
It may be a heartbreak
that taught you not to trust,
or to seal your world away
to escape pain.
Let me tell you this;
You are not a finite thing.
You have the capacity
to do an infinity of great things
to impart what you have
your gifts and talents
and even pieces of you
to those who need it the most
be it the young artist by the park
or the old musician in the sidewalk
or the devil himself.
It’s no longer about the odds
that something will go wrong,
It’s about how much you’ll learn
from something that does

Once again it’s just me and my demons
Wandering the universe in an unending venture.
A few steps in the cosmos,
a few leaps between planets
I came to realise
that you were my compass.
You lead me to places
that made me better,
shown me the way
to be the best I can be.
And for that my dear,
I am eternally grateful.

Sometimes to win a war,
one must douse his sword with poison.

I want to lay my head on your lap
having you pet me and play with my hair

Sing for you an old song,
that reminds me of you

And then talk to you about the random-est of things
seeing you smile and laugh over my silly thoughts

I hope to see you happy then,
as my consciousness slip away and drifting to sleep

And in death,
I’ll keep on screaming at Satan
until the moment he admits
that he was only keeping the seat warm
for me.

on this small speck of dust
suspended in the gravity of celestial bodies
our beliefs,
our imagined self-importance,
our delusion that that we have a privileged position in the universe,
are questioned
by ourselves
in search
of absolute truth

It seems hope is not enough,
to fill an empty heart,
when one is haunted by despair
from the start.

I failed to understand
why saints —and lovers
behave as they do,
so rash and illogical,
maybe until the point that
it’s no longer rational.
Until someone
made my heart
come alive.

I am scared
scared to be abandoned
to be hurt,
yet I am here
risking all I have
To say
I love you.
To mean it,
And to make you feel loved every day.

I’m scared to wake up
knowing that
I no longer have value
to the most precious person to me,
To be deprived of everything important to me.
Yet here I am,
with all my courage
facing uncertainty
and
Loving you

i still fly
with tired wings

To what extent can you say that you are friends?
Will you be able to sacrifice for them?
Give them time, effort, or even your life.
Will you be able to betray them?
For the depth of pain tells you how much you mean to them.
Will you be able to pledge your loyalty to them?
To be there, to love them unconditionally even when they are no longer there.

Heed these words of a broken soul,
one that loved truly and greatly,
who sacrificed, betrayed and pledged loyalty to his best friend.

Learn to love agony,
for life is full of it.
I have seen first hand what this life does to people.
It’s a lonely path.
Don’t make life lonelier than it has to be.

In the face of an infinite number
of horrible futures
I shall forge a bright one

Master of roulettes,
card counting
and every other game.
Winning bets
And risking odds.
Somewhere along the road
You realise that there are no odds at all
it might be how dealers shuffle the cards
or when they drop the ball.
It is simply the chaotic order of life.
Empirical knowledge,
refined by gamblers
over the years
keeping it secret
and here I am exposing them.
To win black jack or poker,
you must pay heed of the number of cards,
To win the roulette,
you must understand its physics.
In the end,
you simply must work for your rewards
the more it screws up,
the harder it is,
The greater your rewards will be
for you have earned what you want
and learned and grew through your hard work.

I kept your goodbyes,
your knives hidden in words.

I keep reading
and staring at them.
Making sense
of what I received,
I might get it wrong
but you’re not here
anymore
to help me understand
what you meant.

I read them with a smile
knowing I grew in your absence,
I’m getting comfortable in my own skin,
hoping for a hello again
in the future.

it's ironic for a devil
to speak of love

most especially when he's withering
in agony
asking,
"when will the suffering end?
I just want to be happy again"

I sat beside the river of styx
skipping stones
as I try to heal my broken wings

staring to the abyss of souls,
I asked myself,
"will I be able to get over her?"
"will I be able to unlove as she claims she did?"
"idiotic.", I thought.

reaching out to the heavens
to where she is,
"I'll never be able to stop loving you,
but I'll have to stop choosing you."
said a longing devil with
a sigh of agony and relief

Took a while
was in denial when I first heard
that you moved on quicker than
I could've ever known you're still hurt
swear for a while I'd stare at the phone just to see your name
but if you would call
I won't really know what to say
I hate that I'm like this
when things don't go my way
I needed you to fix it
and somehow you did
but I didn't know you were still hurting

now suddenly you didn't want me back
said you wanted someone you deserve
don't claim I don't miss all that we had
said I don't really care how much it hurts
because I broke you first

now suddenly I'm longing for you back
i caused you pain that you did not deserve
i might never understand
but tell me why the **** this hurts?
when I broke you first.

Sometimes it takes me ages and solitude,
sometimes it takes reason and logic
for me to heal my unseen wounds.

Wounds that brings pain and confusion,
irrationality and ignorance
Wounds that raise red flags and emphasise flaws
are the wounds needed for growth.

The loss of loved ones,
always inflict me of such wounds.
Their absence wasn’t the source of my healing, they simply forced me to go through it so I could grow.
But that doesn’t mean that they’re presence stunted my growth,
They were there when I needed them most,
they loved me when I was healing from my other wounds.
Now the memory of their love is enough to heal myself of the wound of their absence.
They may be gone, but
I’ll still make them proud,
I’ll still love them
And maybe in time, I’ll see them again

Embracing this devilish persona
quite suited me.
It wasn't because I was evil
merely unorthodox,
Seeing, knowing, understanding
things a person like me shouldn't.
Living by the dark triad
having power, riches and anonymity.

I was once omnipotent
having the world bending over my will.
I was once omnipresent
always there whenever someone dear needed.
I was once omniscient
always knowing how to help and what to do.

All of that was thrown away...
I tried to do good by your means...

and I liked it.
bit by bit you drew me to the light
learning to do things in the way you said was right

As I keep on going through this journey,
I just remembered that I was once..

your guardian devil.

She kissed me.
She kissed the devil.
Only a beautiful soul like hers’ would kiss the ******.
And as I press my lips
hard against hers,
tasting her desire,
her pain,
her love,
her confusion.
At once
I’m in two places,
two worlds,
two lives

Sometimes,
it’s the little things
that counts as a
highlight.

To that little childlike romantic,

I pray that you never lose hope.
I pray that you always see the good in people.
I pray that you keep on loving.

You always have been a gentle soul,
you never lost your softness and light
even as the world caved in.

To be honest,
I kind of envied you
I envied you for how deeply you can trust
I envied you for how you could still love
I envied you for the hope you brightly carry
even after what we have been through.

I’m so sorry for making you cry
with all my fears,
mistakes,
worries,
and heartbreaks.
I’m sorry for making you suffer
from the consequences of my actions
And the backlashes of my brokenness.
I appreciate you for staying by me,
even as our thoughts spiralled at 2 am,
even as the world gave up on us.  

As I reach out to you with these words,
I hope that we can find balance,
for you are the goodness and
I am wickedness,
for a brighter future for the both of us.

And lastly,
I want you to remember that you’re good enough, and that you matter.

Sincerely,
The devil at the other side of the mirror

It’s one of those nights
where light fades
and life gets tiring.
Lonely enough
my demons
does not even tap my shoulders,
they don’t even critique my choices
they sit there silent with a placard saying;
“You love her. We love her. Don’t let this **** bring you down.”

There’s a magic that brings a world
hundreds of miles away
behind a pane of glass

In this glass,
I see her.
her adorable face,
her gorgeous eyes,
her irresistible lips,
her graceful hands,
feels so close
yet so out of reach.

Soon, through a different kind of magic,
I’ll be with her, without the magical glass.