It feels like I've been endlessly cutting my wrist,
'cause of my negligence to tend to my wounds.
The very wounds that bleed these words and agony.

Now as my pride gives me immortality,
this brokeness is my eternal damnation,
an endless torture,
a neverending attempt for suicide
with no death.

with a bit of alcohol messing with my mind,
love flutters in this heart of mine.
at the other side of the phone's screen,
is someone I wish to be mine.

I’m a terrible teacher,
or perhaps it’s a mismatch of student

I watch over from a distance,
seeing them heal and grow with proudness
in my eyes,
seeing them realise on their own
the things I failed to teach them
the messages I failed to get through
and the wisdom I failed to share.

Sometimes to win a war,
one must douse his sword with poison.

And in death,
I’ll keep on screaming at Satan
until the moment he admits
that he was only keeping the seat warm
for me.

It’s been seven months,
and I have stood before the door of death,
cursing the heavens for I thought that
I could not bear life without her.

I wallowed in the pit of despair,
with every fragment of my being filled
with rage and sorrow,
I longed for the heaven I felt in her comfort.

I now realised that I was wrong.
I now know that I cannot love her into loving me and that to grieve her loss hurts me less
than to stay in this damnation of despair.

As the dawn breaks,
I can finally lift my pen once more
to write a new future
with a peaceful heart.

The devil kept writing of the word of god
negating it
twisting it
finding his way out of the condemnation
of the deity's words.

Bit by bit the pitch-black ink
of his heavy dark pen,
glowed red with his wrath.

He felt alone.
He felt sorrow.
He felt fear.
All the while he was being engulfed by rage.

He just wanted to be held
to be accepted
to feel safe
to be loved.

His pride prevented him to think
that he might not be enough
that he does not deserve such kindness,
but deep inside
his dark and lonely soul,
he wishes for the woman he dearly loves.

There’s a magic that brings a world
hundreds of miles away
behind a pane of glass

In this glass,
I see her.
her adorable face,
her gorgeous eyes,
her irresistible lips,
her graceful hands,
feels so close
yet so out of reach.

Soon, through a different kind of magic,
I’ll be with her, without the magical glass.

I could build my empire,
rule the world,
conquer every quest.
But what’s the use?
Why?
What is it for?

I like to think that I’m a king on a throne,
managing my kingdom of activities and projects.

Sometimes I’m a knight,
fighting ferociously against a dragon,
named paper work.

At times, I’m a ninja
slyly evading questions for recitation,
sneaking in a few minutes of sleep.

At the end of the day,
I kept my land at peace,
I have slain the dragon
And I have accomplished my mission.

Her chaos is a serenade.
Drawing me even closer
Making me fall a little deeper
A masterpiece only some appreciate
A melody only some admire.
She says it’s messy
but I still pay attention
to every position
of every single note
in every single line.

Getting up with a sigh,
Reminiscent of the pain and joy
of what used to be,
Wandering to where
my next step should be

It is odd for a soul like mine
to exist in such an era as the present.
A soul who dwells in both past and future,
and seeks for a time that does not exist.

The nightingale’s song,
is a melody of love and longing,
however the notes plead a sign or warning.

The loving nightingale sings before mating,
and just the same when a storm is coming.

After the violent and raging storm,
the sun shines ever so warm.

The gentle bird then preens his small wings
searching for his lost lover, hoping she’ll hear him sing.

Took a while
was in denial when I first heard
that you moved on quicker than
I could've ever known you're still hurt
swear for a while I'd stare at the phone just to see your name
but if you would call
I won't really know what to say
I hate that I'm like this
when things don't go my way
I needed you to fix it
and somehow you did
but I didn't know you were still hurting

now suddenly you didn't want me back
said you wanted someone you deserve
don't claim I don't miss all that we had
said I don't really care how much it hurts
because I broke you first

now suddenly I'm longing for you back
i caused you pain that you did not deserve
i might never understand
but tell me why the **** this hurts?
when I broke you first.

It’s been a year,
the once magnificent dragon flame
still keeps me warm at night
it still burns in the embers of my soul.

It’s been a year,
there remains a gentle flame
that warms my heart
in the coldness of the night

It’s been a year,
But let me love you
once again
with all my might

The devil himself danced around,
spreading chaos and ruin with a smile,
but he fell in love,
and he knew destruction was bound.
Still he took the chance,
a chance to make her smile,
but his claws were too sharp
and wounded the girl,
So he did everything he could
to make up for it.
He cut his horns giving up everything he stood for,
ripped his wings ridding him of his demonic power,
softened his claws till his hands were as soft as a child’s
And he learned kindness, bit by bit as she taught him.
But none of it mattered,
he’s still the devil in her eyes,
A demon she cannot trust.

I am scared
scared to be abandoned
to be hurt,
yet I am here
risking all I have
To say
I love you.
To mean it,
And to make you feel loved every day.

I’m scared to wake up
knowing that
I no longer have value
to the most precious person to me,
To be deprived of everything important to me.
Yet here I am,
with all my courage
facing uncertainty
and
Loving you

To what extent can you say that you are friends?
Will you be able to sacrifice for them?
Give them time, effort, or even your life.
Will you be able to betray them?
For the depth of pain tells you how much you mean to them.
Will you be able to pledge your loyalty to them?
To be there, to love them unconditionally even when they are no longer there.

Heed these words of a broken soul,
one that loved truly and greatly,
who sacrificed, betrayed and pledged loyalty to his best friend.

Learn to love agony,
for life is full of it.
I have seen first hand what this life does to people.
It’s a lonely path.
Don’t make life lonelier than it has to be.

I kept your goodbyes,
your knives hidden in words.

I keep reading
and staring at them.
Making sense
of what I received,
I might get it wrong
but you’re not here
anymore
to help me understand
what you meant.

I read them with a smile
knowing I grew in your absence,
I’m getting comfortable in my own skin,
hoping for a hello again
in the future.

I write to thee
a letter, a prose.
Of feeling and thought,
conveniently conveyed
by words on paper.

“Tu me manques”
You are missing from me.
You have become an essential part of me
an irreplaceable fragment of my being.
I am terrified to admit that
I long for your presence,
your comfort,
your empathy,
your being.
However, my burning desire
to be the person that makes you happy
to be the person that makes you feel loved
to be the person that keeps you safe is fading
but know that always, I’ll care.
And so whatever that I will be rebuilding
is due to the fact that I care
and I recognise your worth.
And that you’re a person not worth losing.

In the face of an infinite number
of horrible futures
I shall forge a bright one

This is hard for me
I mean writing all these
All these things I’m too afraid to say
All these emotions you out to play

Happiness and sorrow
Hope and despair
And all the little things

But the point of all this is
I don’t care how hard things can be
as long as I can show you how much you mean to me
And that I love you

I gave up.
I gave up on my dreams.
I gave up every ounce of hope.
I gave up on who I was.

I gave up on everything almost everyone held dear,
On what they only dreamt of having,
The power, the fame, the money, the pleasure.
I gave up on the very thing I lived for.

All for a shot of redemption.

I find subtle irony in it.
And now here I am...

It seems hope is not enough,
to fill an empty heart,
when one is haunted by despair
from the start.

I wish to explore
Venice with you,
the floating city.

I wish us to ride afloat
the canals of memories
making some of our own.

I wish to walk with you
at night at the La Serenissima
Walking by churches and bridges alike.

I simply wish to be with you again
to go on adventures with my greatest adventure
to explore the queen of the adriatic with my queen.

it's ironic for a devil
to speak of love

most especially when he's withering
in agony
asking,
"when will the suffering end?
I just want to be happy again"

I sat beside the river of styx
skipping stones
as I try to heal my broken wings

staring to the abyss of souls,
I asked myself,
"will I be able to get over her?"
"will I be able to unlove as she claims she did?"
"idiotic.", I thought.

reaching out to the heavens
to where she is,
"I'll never be able to stop loving you,
but I'll have to stop choosing you."
said a longing devil with
a sigh of agony and relief

My thoughts in scribbles,
I reach out to heaven
praying your name.

As the deafening silence
engulfed me at the very ground I stood,
My legion of demons stood with me,
and prayed to wish you are safe.
The light within me became angels that wish you happiness.

Master of roulettes,
card counting
and every other game.
Winning bets
And risking odds.
Somewhere along the road
You realise that there are no odds at all
it might be how dealers shuffle the cards
or when they drop the ball.
It is simply the chaotic order of life.
Empirical knowledge,
refined by gamblers
over the years
keeping it secret
and here I am exposing them.
To win black jack or poker,
you must pay heed of the number of cards,
To win the roulette,
you must understand its physics.
In the end,
you simply must work for your rewards
the more it screws up,
the harder it is,
The greater your rewards will be
for you have earned what you want
and learned and grew through your hard work.

I called a philosopher,
former teacher of mine
for and advice and asked;
“Good evening sir,
I have been left alone again
Could you spare some advice
For a boy who wishes to be better
In his beloved’s absence?”
He told me the secret
and key to growth,
“Gaius” he called me
“I’m proud that you’ve grown
and became a man.”
He talked to me like an equal,
sharing his knowledge about growth
he told me that
I have come a long way
that I learned to compromise
and have sacrifice
I replied with a question asking
“What must I do to grow and be better?”
and his answer shocked me.
He first told me that
He was proud of the progress I had
For the man I had grown to become
He acknowledged my pain and grievance
and reassured me.
And then told me that in order to grow
I must be patient with myself
as have I been with the woman I love
I must acknowledge
the longuers in life and everything else
that happens regardless of bias and pain
as if it were my greatest achievements
And that I must be grateful for everything
and learn from past events as if they were
the greatest gifts that I had received.
Everything else is simply there to be one
of the experiences that
I must learn from, acknowledge and be grateful for
And soon I’ll see myself blooming
for I’m a plant who started growing leaves.

Sometimes,
it’s the little things
that counts as a
highlight.

Once again it’s just me and my demons
Wandering the universe in an unending venture.
A few steps in the cosmos,
a few leaps between planets
I came to realise
that you were my compass.
You lead me to places
that made me better,
shown me the way
to be the best I can be.
And for that my dear,
I am eternally grateful.

The hedgehog’s dilemma
Or the so called, lover’s paradox
states that despite goodwill, human intimacy cannot occur
without substantial mutual harm.

Naturally humans are scared of getting hurt,
That they build walls
and defend themselves with pikes.
By the same logic,
hedgehogs curl up
defending themselves
with their spikes.

And this is where love plays its part.
You must go through their defences,
letting that barrier they made gently down,
and endure the battle wounds that awaits
as you too open yourself up
To be vulnerable for the people you love.

It's those moments when I see you in bed,
with messy hair and sleepy eyes,
covered in sheets, cosying up in your soft pillows.

It's those mirror selfies,
seeing you so smile so shyly,
goofing off adorably.

It's the random photos of you that you send,
letting me know if you're bored, stressed,
brightening my day up

It's those moments when you just dress up
asking me which looks better,
urging me to dress up too

It's those time that we post couple outfits in IG
Getting creative with our stories
teasing each other with who did better

It's those moments when we FaceTime
while we work
while we cook and
simply when we do random stuff like art.

Are the times and moments I love sharing with you.

“Don’t lose yourself” ,
they said
but what exactly
do you lose?
Nothing.
You simply go through and learn
from an experience
and change.
It may be a heartbreak
that taught you not to trust,
or to seal your world away
to escape pain.
Let me tell you this;
You are not a finite thing.
You have the capacity
to do an infinity of great things
to impart what you have
your gifts and talents
and even pieces of you
to those who need it the most
be it the young artist by the park
or the old musician in the sidewalk
or the devil himself.
It’s no longer about the odds
that something will go wrong,
It’s about how much you’ll learn
from something that does

I want to lay my head on your lap
having you pet me and play with my hair

Sing for you an old song,
that reminds me of you

And then talk to you about the random-est of things
seeing you smile and laugh over my silly thoughts

I hope to see you happy then,
as my consciousness slip away and drifting to sleep

There are no true monsters
only people,
people that made
killers and thieves,
by showing them their shortcomings
instead of their capacity to be good.

I’m not happy because you’re no longer in my life.
I’m happy because I know that I am healing and growing in your absence, and resting easy that I know that you’re working on yourself too.

It’s one of those nights
where light fades
and life gets tiring.
Lonely enough
my demons
does not even tap my shoulders,
they don’t even critique my choices
they sit there silent with a placard saying;
“You love her. We love her. Don’t let this **** bring you down.”