in twenty one days, on the twenty first of may, you will be turning twenty one.
twenty one seemed so far away when you were growing up. i remember how you pictured twenty one year-old you, with wavy jet-black hair, thin bones and a radiant smile.
your hair is wavy right now, thanks to the rain that hasn't stopped falling; your bones are the thinnest they've ever been; and i think you've got a pretty radiant smile. so, three out of three, i guess.
and your life is better than what you dreamed.
you are surrounded by so much goodness.
your mondays, tuesdays, wednesdays, thursdays and fridays are filled with the laughter of fifteen children that steal your phone to take selfies and give you hugs that leave you breathless.
you have the friends you have always wanted. it took you a while to find them, but they're here now. they are your home.
you are doing beautiful things with your life. your words are in books, in journals and in people's hearts.
your life is more than life. it is light and fire and bravery and hope and a song.
and you are loved.

9:24 am: i am cleaning my room and singing along to an ed sheeran song. i thought of me, cleaning our house, and you, leaning against the doorframe and smiling at me.

1:24 pm: it has been raining all day and i am wondering if you believe in the beauty and magic of rain like i do and how perfect it would be if our first kiss took place on a rainy afternoon like this one.

1:26 pm: i refuse to entertain the thought that the two thoughts i've had of you were exactly four hours apart means something. but secretly i hope it does.

3:54 pm: will i think of you at 11:11 tonight?

4:19 pm: will i love you even when you make spelling mistakes?

9:24 pm: i wrote a poem today about my high standards and i thought of you and how you won't be afraid of pursuing me, of loving my heart. i thought of your fearless heart and how it will love me the way i am.

9:28 pm: i am thinking of the number 24 and how at the 24 minutes of three different hours you popped into my head. did you think of me today? did the thought of me make you smile? do you wonder about me, the color of my hair, the shape of my face, the song of my heart?

9:32 pm: my heart sometimes wonders if it's pointless to think of you, because maybe there isn't a you. but my soul tells my heart that i think of you, and therefore you are.

10:24 pm: before i close my eyes, i hope to think of you. and after i close them, i know i'll dream of you. and if it happens at the twenty-fourth minute of whatever hour it is, i won't be too surprised.

10:27 pm: i am starting to believe that 24 is a magic number.

call me complicated,
but how can i settle for less
than what i want?
call me complicated,
but i think you’re just scared of me,
of the music my bones sing,
of the wildness of my spirit
and how my hair has a life of its own
i think you know i am too much of a woman for you
and it scares you

i woke up this morning and
my phone told me today was
april 29th
and my first thought was that
today is your birthday
and how you were older than the rest of the class
because you repeated the second grade
it’s funny how i always remember this day
even though we no longer speak
except when i run into you in the college hallways
and the last real conversation we had
was probably in the fifth grade
it’s funny how i remember you
even though i really don’t think about you
and now you are just
a poem i wrote
on your birthday

do your eyes still shine
like two stars in the sky?
do they still close
every time you smile?
what song is your soul singing?
what blooms grow in your garden?
are you found?
or are you still lost?
if you are, know
i'll always wait for you.

do not fear the rain when it comes
and do not fear when it goes away
don’t be afraid of the waiting
don’t be afraid of the tears
when they decide to fall
don’t be afraid to feel
to wallow in the grief.
let yourself pause.
listen to your heart.
gardens don’t grow in a day.

i want to cry until i become an ocean
until the rivers of salt tears wash me clean
i want to be free
and i don’t want to feel so alone
i want to untangle the knot in my throat
i want flowers to live on the edges of my soul
i want to fall in love
with a pair of eyes
that fall in love with mine
and i don’t want to feel so alone
so unworthy of love
and i want a song
a song for me
and i want to breathe without it hurting
i don’t want love to feel
so far away
i want rain to fall and wash away the pain
and i want the words
for everything i am feeling
and i don’t want to feel so alone
i want poetry written for me,
love letters and late-night texts
and i don’t want to feel so alone