These pills aren't going to fix me
They only bring a temporary bliss
Fake happiness I've been medicated to feel
Why would I want to be dependent on a drug to be happy?
I miss one day and suddenly the thoughts of suicide reoccur more vividly
I choose to just deal with the mess I've made of myself
Instead of being convinced this magic pill will take the thoughts away

I've lacked to act like myself lately, and im sorry.

they say you accept the love that you think you deserve,
and i wonder what love  that belongs to me
and which i accept  and maybe deserve.

i live in a state of constant anxiety
where taking a full breath is highly unlikely.
i always fear doing things wrong,
would you love me after i proved i was unstable?

I lay in the grass
As the alcohol creeps on me
Completely gone from reality
Lost in the sky
Away from my mjnd
And yet,
You've still found a way to taunt me
Not so much you
but the memories of you and I
Once again I can't ******* escape
No matter how much I try
Or how many shots I consume
I'm wasted thinking about the past again
I can't run and I can't hide
Even when I'm lost in the sky.

It's a strange thing to notice.
Youve known me for more than just awhile now but still know very little about me.  

You have not seen the inside of my mind
When the only thing that gives me the slightest satisfaction
Is the thought of the world without me.
But that would mean you'd be without me.
Well, I'd be without you..

Its just that
I'm a mess and I don't know how to fix myself.
Since meeting you I've began wishing for more time
Apposed to wanting less.

I fell asleep at 3:24am whispering things  only the sun knows now.
I told the man on the moon about you. I hope he's good at keeping secrets.

Summer is so peaceful
it is the loudest season of them all
If you listen closely you can hear the wind wildly blowing through the fully bloomed trees
You can hear the birds conversating with each other so gracefully
they too long for summer for they can finally come home
the chatter of your neighbors as their family come to visit them
Summer is so  beautiful
Its a shame the days get shorter

I  swear I use to be good I use to be gold I use to be good 

I don’t know what happened but something turned

I’m wired differently now

And I don’t want to

And I don’t know why

And I don’t know if it’s the red wire or blue wire

But please shut me down

I swear I use to be good

Witches brewing evil **** in the cauldron
Mamas itching to get her hands on it
Fill up the tin and she forgot who her kids were again
Too high chasing butterflies and dancing in the street
Not enough money for the children just to eat
cause she sold her ebt looked me in the eyes and said pretty please
Forgive me baby, please don't cry
Never will admit for the reason why
I smoked dope when I was 17
Maybe that's why I found the sympathy she needs to repent for her sins she commit way back when when we were still pure but not much of that lasted we grew cold
And I grew older, enough to realize what's behind her sad dead eyes
Because the fallen angel still hums to me at night  
Bringing me back to that time in the broken RV when she handed me the pipe and promised I could fly and i did
But I crashed and burned and I yearned for more
And more I needed it I took it and I smiled and I laughed because I was free from the shackles that held me grounded
And my head flourished  
And malnourished I became because I sold all my work to buy more fine power
The voices grew louder and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't silence them
The evil had taken me and till death I was due to live a life just needing one more hit

once nostalgia begins to creep
i think of how the good in our goodbye was a lie
because it has been nothing but tears ever since

My eyes are  getting heavy as the nostalgia settles in
Nothing new, same routine
Images of you creeping beneath my skull
Memories invading my sanity
Hours pass by and I didn't even realize
Devoted to keeping "us" alive when I'm not even relevant and you still don't have a clue.

Where has magic gone?
Not a person, not a man
My father taught me young, that there were very few men I could trust
That it was better to sit pretty, to smile; this would be a weapon later
But he was right, it was one of the few things he taught me
Through example, through bared teeth laughter despite anger
I think he was the one who showed me how to pray even though this faith didn't quite fit him either
I wish I could remember what God felt like back then
If it made suffering easier
If there was ever a day where I didn't feel like I had my name on a waitlist for hell
I know I never hoped for angels
I've been waiting for the evil witch instead

Whether you find your own personal escape in
The alcohol you poison your body with,
The pills you lose your mind in,
The blade you lack control of,
The hope you’ll someday lose,
The person who will leave you soon,
We all have something that brings us a blind joy,
Something that allows us to find inner peace.
Allows us to escape the imprisoning thoughts that tears us down.
It all creates this world away from ourselves,
Helps make living with the thought of whatever is bothering us somewhat manageable.
But at the same time it destroys us in different ways.
We depend on it,
We suffer more without it,
We fall deeper and deeper into these salivations
We lose ourselves and who we are completely.
And yet we think its better to be fooled with these mind controlling substances of happiness
Than to just suffer day by day with reality

You are the person
I'll never stop looking for
In a crowded place.

You could tell me that the sky is red
And I just might believe you
Because with that voice
All my doubts were silenced.

I get high off the thought of you and crash when i realize you’re just a memory i still cling to

how can i pretend to compare you to things far less than you are
to the sky, the sea, the stars
they will always fall short

no, words will never explain
how i feel when i am around you

Broken down, battered and confused
you left me alone in your arms
I fought to rebuild and revise
and I stopped justifying the lies
and I started to relapse
I was weak, a crutch kept me up but your venom always wore it down
I'm stronger now but my heart still ached when i saw your name blink across my screen
and now I'm lost
laying in bed with a lover thinking about you
I packed a bag and I'm ready for my cue
please just tell me you want to need me again too..

My eyes have just seen the littlest bit of the new day.
My lips just touched the morning cigarette.
My body barely functioning as I stretch away the night before.  
You hit me like a ton of bricks.
Your name and the past filled my head again.  
So early this time.
You didn't even give me a chance to fully grasp the daylight.

You begin to haunt me,
I can't seem to draw you out of my thoughts.  
You're trapped there.
The question is
Do I want you out?
Every time I gazed at the stars
I craved to gaze into those eyes
That make me feel alive.
Do I want to break free from this
curse you've set upon me?
I'm not ready to let go.
I don't think I'll  be ready.

To be forgotten by you
Would be worse than death

We all know nothing solves insomnia
Like a nice warm glass of regret, depression, and self loathing.

Just talk to me
I want to know if you've been aching lately
Is there a void you've been trying to fill?
What's her name?
Have you been drinking to haze some pain?
Can I tell you about how I've been craving your warmth?
Summer is very nostalgic to me
The season of your embrace
Let's talk, I crave real conversation with you

Why would you choose a hurricane over  sunshine?

3:52am and i ******* miss you.

As a wave of nostalgia crashes upon the sea of depression,
It makes staying afloat harder.
The struggle starts to intensify,
Your breaths become shorter.
You start to drown,
All you see is red
As your wrists are kissing razors.
Your tears are a storm approaching,
Your thoughts are the lightening.
You have drowned completely.
You're too deep under to swim back to safety.
You can't breathe,
This is it.  
Its taken over you.  
The sea is now above your head,
Surrounding you.
There's no way to escape it.
It has control of you.

I cannot find myself to believe that something can last forever.
If things were meant to last forever
My cigarette wouldn't burn out.
Our conversations wouldn't end.
Feelings would stay the same.
You would still love me like you claimed you once did.
And maybe I would have been blinded from the truth forever.