i'm so sick of lying
of telling people things that aren't true

because what if they knew me?
huh?
what would i do then?

i'm so tired of pretending
that i know who i am
and that i have it all figured out
can't it just be okay to be a wreck?

i'm so tired of being too anxious to eat
and not knowing what the hell is wrong
of trying to pick out one of the reasons i feel sick today

was it the meds
or the truth rotting like a swallowed tooth in my stomach

i'm so tired of being stupid
and not knowing

i'm sick of everything
and i don't know why

vanish mode
it's beautiful,
isn't it
kinda like snap
but for the poor ******* that don't have it
as soon as a message is seen
it just disappears
all of that texting her
pretending you didn't
showing up on WiFi bills
and the desperate smile on your lips

god
i'm so dumb
to think that anyone could love me
to think that maybe for a second
i could just breathe
knowing that someone loved me most
because that's all i wanted
i didn't want to be an alternative
just another cat call
on another lonely Tuesday night
i'm so tired of not being enough
to be the first on your mind

i'm so stupid
and so done with being numb
so ******* tired of the back burner
god ******
i let myself fall for you
i let it happen
and look where that got me
crying on the phone
typing out a poem
about you and my worse judgement

i don't know why i let us happen

do you remember that story?
the one that was in the future
where everything was good
and no one had to do anything for themselves?
that story?

well,
what happens when we get there?
what is the point of living?
to just have another machine scratch our behinds
and look at all of the people
not rich enough to own the newest tech
like we always do

why are we working towards and idle future?
to do nothing that we love
when we can find anything we please
within reach
never going out to see the nature that we destroyed
with over population

why do we want to fill our homes with distraction?
to little there to keep our brains busy?
do they try to self destruct when we run out of things to do?
run out of stimulants
that our body
said it needed?
what happens when our screens no longer satisfy?
what becomes of our pathetic life

what if i do feel something
when i sleep?
should i just wait for it?
what happened to me?
i need to fix it
and i don't know how
and now i'm just remembering
how you never told me anything
and how i thought i wanted you
what a fool i was

that leads me on to point two
the one where i meet him
the one where i thought that i love him
and i wanted him so bad
until i got him
then i didn't
and i don't know how that happened

then we just keep running the track
of guilt
keep thinking of all of the times
that i just leave my messages
because god forbid i look at them
what if i get into an actual conversation?
what do i do then?
and around and around i go
chasing my own guilty tail
because i had time on my hands
to think about all the ways i've failed you

i hope you read this and smile
sweet confirmation i always needed
that i was never ******* enough for you

who knew
that there are so many dangerous things
all around you

you only ever notice
either when there's a baby around
or someone threatening is around

you start thinking of all the things
that could hurt someone
all the things that just lie about
looking innocent

things like that one frying pan
that's surprisingly heavy
or that flat iron that you left lying around
that lamp is starting to look
more and more like a base ball bat with nails in it

what do you think?
because i'm thinking everything can hurt you
if you try hard enough

feel kind of sick
wonder why
did i do something wrong?
did i manage once again to **** up?
what happened to me
what did i do?
feel kind of sick
and i miss you
i need you
you're not here though.
why would you be?
feel kind of sick
i'm okay though
i promise,
kind of.