you were a face
that i knew at first long ago
then one that grew more friendly in my mind

two long hours
sitting in the back of a science class
and one reckless night

a tiger blanket that i borrowed from a friend
and embarrassment when you point out the freckle on my nose

you were a face
that i knew at first long ago
then something that took over my thoughts more and more

you haven't promised you won't leave
we both know that promise in particular is futile,
but you know you'll stay
for as long as you can

you didn't promise me anything
not even that you loved me
but you're here
and that's enough

with a poorly made school lunch on your breath
and my hand in yours
my legs swung carelessly over your thighs
your free hand in my lap

i'm okay with you here
even if it won't last

i've been so careless
so willing to be reckless
i just remembered who i am
safe
never get in trouble
plain girl
with plain clothes
and no road-rash laden knees
with intact gag reflexes
and with dark circles under my eyes
simply because i stayed up too late
trying to finish missing work
not because i was partying and drunk
i've been so careless
i forgot that i shouldn't be
that i should be okay
and admit when i'm not
which, actually, i've been doing
i just forgot who i was for a moment
the plain jane that sits and the back
and gets average grades

sometimes i just go a little too deep
and i remember that i actually want to live
actually want to be here
sometimes i panic
and the everything won't stop flowing
i'll ache just a little at my stupidity
i'll dissociate just a little too much
and forget where i am
sometimes i just go a little too deep
and remember my words
that i was supposed to use them
sometimes i see
what i've wrote
and i remember that i wasn't supposed
how could i have been so dumb?

tooth picks
keep my eyes open
stopping my dreams
from become nightmares
force reality
like putting morphine drip
into a stuffed animal
make the absence of something
provide legitimacy
tooth picks
keeping my tongue in place
better not to talk back
better not to question
tooth picks
sticking in my ears
if i could get a minute
to get past the head ache
maybe i could form a complete thought
make the proper sentences
all my teachers longed to see
tooth picks
in my brain
tell me to stay the same
i dare you
tell me not to change
when you require me to change my personality
tooth picks
plucked from places unknown
picking gold teeth
expensive diamonds
to fill minds
usually flooded with dread
tooth picks
always keeping my mind somewhere
that's never within reach

i can't stand this feeling
i can't breathe
my head hurts
i hurt
i can't ******* feel anything
unless it's a manic heartbeat in my chest
unless it's feeling like i have to die
i have to write
i have to
i have to
i have to
and there is no saying otherwise
there is no pretending like i don't care
there is no calming down the heart beat
no calming down the breathing
nothing
nothing
nothing
you can't breathe
you don't deserve to breathe
until it's to late
until we've said we've done all that we can do
without even actually looking at you
nothing
everything
nothing
everything
i hurt
it hurts
i hurt
i wish that this would end
i wish that
i wish
i-
why did it have to be this way
why?
TELL ME WHY IT HAD TO ******* BE THIS WAY?
WHY
Why?


w h y  why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why?????