Such a torn, weary heart
Its own blood on its hands
Knowing which way it now must go
The battle’s been long
All did not go as planned
And the victory has yet to be won
For it’s so hard to flee
When you’re your own worst enemy
You’re weaknesses already known
It’s hard to be strong
When it’s by your own hand
You find yourself undone

Now a new fork in the road less traveled
Just as hard a choice as the last
Once again the decision:
To let it all go
Or continue reliving the past?
For though one ghost is laid to rest
Still others remain
Screaming on
Denying request
For one moment of rest
Some days, it’s so hard to move on

But, the war carries on
The new battle so long
The heart wonders, “Will this stand be my last?
Has it all been in vain
To now find myself slain
‘Fore this dream I have fought for comes true?”
With weapon still drawn
Its resolve almost gone
Deeming failure won’t be its repast
It thrusts through the heart of its self
Weak, yet strong
Winning naught but the battle anew

Yet, time and again
Both in loss and in win
The heart finds strength deeper within
‘Til it meets its last breath
With all strength it has left
It will war with its self once again
For it would rather die fighting
Than to fight not at all
Even if all is lost therein
Despite heartache’s disease
My heart longs to be free
In anothers true love 'til the end

I paused before a puddle
Gazing into its shallow murk
Seeing my reflection therein
And I wondered…

Am I here on the outside
Seeing myself as I truly am…

Or am I the reflection of who I think I am
Seeing myself clearly for the first time?

Am I looking into the murk…

Or am I looking up out of it?

So cold, this wind of uncertainty
But my rippling reflection shivers more than I

So long I’ve been struggling with myself
Can’t find the words to make you understand my pain
The voices taking me belong to no one else
It eats away and it’s driving me insane

I think I’ve lost my mind, and now I’ve lost my way
No matter how I try I can’t make it go away
Is it such a crime to want to end this pain?
I wish that I could find some peace of mind before I die

Sleepless days, and nights that never end
A living hell inside a waking dream
Am I a zombie?
Am I the living dead?
When did laughter begin to drown the scream?

To think there was a time when I could stand and say
I’m happy just to be the man I am today
Somewhere down this line, my life began to fade
But you can’t take a life that’s already gone
I think I’ve lost my mind and now I’ve lost my way
No matter how I try I can’t make it go away
Is it such a crime to want to end this pain?
I wish that I could find some peace of mind before I die

A person can be unworthy of another
because they refuse to be
who they need most themself to be,
just as another can be unworthy of someone
for the reasons they wish that someone
to be who they need them most to be.

A person can say they desire
a true, mutual love,
and yet,
turn away and deny someone
who shows them that they are desired
the way they desire to be,
just as another can show someone
a love unmutually true,
and be so blind in sorrow of rejection
to see the true, mutual love
beating for them in the heart of another.

We can say that we need someone,
but more often than not,
we are so focused on wanting a specific someone
that we overlook or ignore the right someone.

We build up the objects of our desire
to be who we believe they should be for us,
while we tear down those who desire us
for everything we truly are.

We drown in such sorrow
when our love for another proves unmutual,
yet we offer the desert to another
when showered with a love sincere and true.

Despite all of this,
we still wonder why
our hearts are always broken.

Come whisper in the listen I now long to hear you see
Of my odd interpretation of the lesson in this session
Surely spewing wicked somethings in disorder as it feeds
Agonizing ramblizing far too soon to fail to mention
Incorporating lonesomeness complexities in legions
Is there no unserpentizing the enlightening of strange?
Misuncircumstancing as the reader finds no reason
In such savory salivations of the misconcepted change
Unknowingly still growing far beyond the closest measure
Into raging inconsistencies that weep unto the page
Bleeding such intuitive progression never severed
In the ****** of youthful fluencies in such a weary age
The gladness of the madness strikes within the battered shore
Not but a hair above comparisons so folded in the fray
Enticing bold imperatives unsweetly through the outer core
In air of uninheritance that creeps the numb at play
Parading the tirading of such unsubstantial ecstasy
In such an unconventional impression of insane
Always sometimes never far within the tragic synergy
Of answers unbegotten for the rottening of sane
The murderous disorder in infectious undisease
As such sporadically chaotic posthypnotic juices flow
Now lost in such emphatically irrational absurdities
That pour out further twistedly insistent as I go
Shattering the view and boundary bordering abnormal
In this morsel of a mouthful seen before its time had come to go
Reaching destinations in displacement so unformal
In the storming of the forming verbalating undertow
Bringing order to the chaos of this psychopractic babble
In a lesson of the breaking of the rules amidst the flow
With intention of confusion that makes sense within the rattle
It is only when we break free that we find where we can go
In creative inspiration as this invitation I extend
To all who may so dare to violate the rules of play
Embracing utter lunacy in oddest infestation
As I show what can be done when mental limits melt away

No prophecy is written of the shadows being slain
So the war against the dark goes ever on
We can cast out all our demons
But there surely will be more
Even though each night bows down before the dawn
The light can’t always conquer every shade that rests inside
Some will thrive despite the darkness or the day
They can rob of us of our reason
They can rob us of our rhyme
‘Til the fire that once burned brightly slowly fades

Every hero can grow weary when the battle takes its toll
But even villains sometimes dare to save the day
It’s our choices that define us
Not our past or where we’re from
For each one of us, at some point, lost our way
We are sinners judging sinners who sin differently than we
Even though we all have demons of our own
It shouldn’t be religion that should teach us right from wrong
But the heart to show respect as we’d want shown

Such symmetry well rationed
In the balance of desire
When love is true, desire blooms
Without, it dies by fire
If love be born, then let it soar
To rise forever higher
Let’s cease to be but casualties
And find balance in our desire

If you can say that you know or knew me
Was it ever much more than my shell?
For these masks that I wear
Seldom ever declare
The true depth of my personal hell
If you wish to ever truly know me
You must venture much further than skin
There are stories to tell
Won’t you sit for a spell?
We’ll each take off our masks and begin

Silence filled the shadowed halls,
confusing voices once so loud,
for not even their echo could be heard,
even if only for a moment.
But, sometimes a moment is all it takes
for realization to set in.
For so long, there was always sorrow despite smiles.
Now, there are always smiles despite sorrow.

My words are but pages
from a collection of unwritten novels.

My heart is an ever-expanding library,
dedicated to you.

You should come check it out sometime.

Bleeding Darkness and Light

The gods sometimes see fit to bestow upon me blessings
While devils only always rejoice in my cursings
The curse of the truth I oft’ fail in addressing
Is though my cup runneth over, I oft’ find I’m thirsting
For despite moments flying with my back to disgrace
There is always a fall as new tears scar my face
Just as dark becomes light, so does light become dark
And betwixt hell and heaven, I’m left falling apart
Both my demons and angels rage on ‘til my death
With no victory left certain ‘til I take my last breath

Embrace one or the other, I’ve been told all my life
Hands stripped to the bone from ferocity’s clutch
The shine and the shadow both enthrall and entice
No matter the choice, there are those quick to judge
Condemning both sins and good deeds I’ve done
Each a nail in the coffin of a heart forged in agony
Every trespass ill spoken, every kindness unwon
My darkness and light equally perceived as malady
But when darkness and light coexist hand in hand
In embracing them both, am I cursed to be ******?

The sun and the moon share an endless romance
Crawling light, creeping shadow in endless array
Each dusk and each dawn, living ghosts which entrance
Light and shadow embracing day to night, night to day
As the sun illuminates certain features of beauty
So the moon emphasizes gorgeous features its own
To say one is any lesser than t’other be cruelty
A blasphemy some will still fail to bemoan
In judging me as lesser, the folly be thine own
For in darkness, as in light, I am equally home

Let my angels rejoice and my demons entice
I embrace light and shadow with paint and with pen
Both my tears and my laughter I have oft’ sacrificed
In both losing myself, and finding myself again
Learning both the gods and monsters I’ve battled are my friends
Each leading me to where I should always have been
Embracing myself as a whole, not in part
Winning wars with myself where once I did flee
Portraying it all in my words and my art
Both reality, and imagination set free

He sat with shattered heart in hand,
studying each shard
so as to find where love went wrong.
Suddenly, it all became clear.
Every piece he had tried to give to any other
still resonated with her voice,
reflected her face,
and dripped of her essence.
His heart still belonged to her.
No other would ever be able to claim it.

No amount of words,
love or lust,
would ever tear his heart away.
Effort and denial,
each painted on smile;
none would chase her from his dreams.
With hope he burned,
as he slowly learned
that happiness has always been
deep within each part
of his broken heart.
It was time to let it breathe.

Just where along the line
did how anyone feign judge us
in superficial and disrespectful ways
become how we judge ourselves?
No one has any such power to destroy us
other than that which we allow.
This includes the power
we have over ourselves.
We’ve torn ourselves apart for far too long.
We have the power to heal.
The time has come to rebuild.

I know you may not love me
The same way I love you
But you needn't feel you have to
For your love to still be true
For me, it's still an honor
Just to feel this way at all
Without you, I feel nothing
And with you, I feel all

So please don't feel I'm wasting time
On something that can't be
When every moment spent with you
Helps me feel more like me
We don't have to be lovers
When the love we share as friends
Can help us feel so much like whole
So please, don't let this end

Nowhere that I've ever been
Has felt like home to me
Not one place I have lain my head
Has vanquished misery
It hasn't been the places
That have saved me from alone
With you, my friend, I've found my peace
With you, I feel I'm home

It doesn't have to be romance
In spending time with you
A pleasant conversation
Or an argument will do
The way we show we care
In everything we say and do
Making love isn't physical
It's each moment shared with you

So worry not that you don't feel
The same way that I do
For love can still exist in friendship
And still be pure and true
Not one moment is a waste
When you are close to me
With you, I do not feel alone
With you, I feel I'm free

Will you take my hand and boldly see
Just how our friendship grows?
Through good and bad
Through right and wrong
Through times we're hurting so
In sharing every heartache
Working through mistakes we make
Don't let this die
Don't say goodbye
With love as friends at stake

Holding on to everything
Crumbling to dust in my hands
There was never anything
That made me whole, and I understand
Although the things I’ve given
Have not been lost in vain
It was never meant for me
To live without this pain
Nothing that I’ve taken
Will I ever give away
These miseries I’ve stolen
Will go with me when I fade

My gifts aren’t what I’ve given
But what I take away
I filled the emptiness inside
By drinking in your pain
Taking on your sorrow
Giving laughter in return
I’ve suffered under veils of smiles
And bled your tears in turn
I’ve saved you from these things that ****
I’ve sometimes left you numb
If nothing else, to save you
So that you will not succumb

This pain is like an anchor
It only pulls you down
And the undertow of agony
Will drag you from the shore
I couldn’t say I love you
If I stood and watched you drown
Knowing I could save you
From the fate you had in store

Never think I hated you
For what I have confessed
I was always happiest
When I knew you suffered less
Know it was my choice
To draw your pain into my core
The only thing that pains me
Is I couldn’t help you more
For my own private demons
They still scar me to this day
There was never anyone
To take my pain away
But I have learned to suffer
Finding heaven in this hell
Knowing I could keep you
From the darkness where I dwell

To be the one to sit inside
This unlocked cell of suffering
Choking on the ashes
Of memories that scream
Failing every day
To be the one who is recovering
From agonies I’ve stolen
So your sanity could breathe
Saving you has saved me
From the madness that entombs me
Helping me to battle
Through the darkest of my days
I just hope that when this life
Finally consumes me
That you’ll be happy for me
As they carry me away

No amount of emptiness can express how alone we are
When we fall too far and there feels no end in sight
Giving everything we have to feel the faintest spark
Lighting up the dark just to make it through the night
No amount of words can express or profess our broken hearts
As we fall apart when it all still feels so right
We bury every ounce of pain
All in vain, for it loves the dark
It’s never very far
But, neither is the light

They say a single picture can paint a thousand words
But they never tell you that words paint pictures
Ever changing galleries displayed for our mind's eye
Versions and variations, changing, just like meaning
For we do not always see the whole picture
Just as we misunderstand words from time to time
But the pictures manifest, and adapt to understanding
Like some morbid nightmare we wake to
Forever repeating the same day over and over
Where the final outcome is always different
Because we changed what made the day each time
In essence, we will never see the whole picture
Nor will we ever see it the way the painter intended
For the mind's eye differs from soul to soul
And, just as visiting groups debate
On paintings in galleries on display
Because each thinks they know the true meaning
So it goes for works of the verbal brush
Each of us thinking we know the details
Of every stroke and punctuation
Hues of emphasis on syllables
And tricks of light and shadow upon the whole
What we do not understand is both complex and simple:
It is our privilege to look upon these words
Each of us with our individual mind's eye
And see what we will see in what we've heard or read
Forming our own pictures, differing as they do
And discuss our experiences and understandings
With others honored to share the art
For that is exactly what it is, an honor
For someone allowed us a glimpse inside
Into who they are and what they feel
Or simply into the words a picture painted for them
Transformed by the verbal brush into works of art
The one rule so often broken is this:
Only the creator of each masterpiece
Knows it’s true, exact meaning
Criticism is invited, for that is why we are here
But it is ignorance to tell someone who they should be
And who we think they are because of their words
In other words, it is the art up for criticism
Not the creator of the art
For art is an expression, not a definition
Criticism is meant to be constructive, not destructive
Some works may be better or worse than others
But the people behind those works are equals
We each create our own pictures
Every word of every line a stroke on the canvas
To quote Miss Eternal:
"We are eternal. We are poets."
We should treat each other as such

So many reside in this chaotic mind
There is barely room for myself
So much of me sways towards the darkest of days
Seeking heaven
Finding naught but hell
Too many times
I find I’m missing the rhyme
For my reason is lost in despair
I wonder if I’ll ever be myself again

Poetic lines cannot bleed as my eyes
My words never fall as my tears
I’m losing my strength
Despite all I have tried
Nothing’s harder than battling fears
But maybe
In time
I’ll soon find that I’m fine
For the better, I’ve waited my share
Maybe one day
I will find my heart in peace again

My comfort zone is anything but comfortable
Anxieties rule both the here and there
Whether I try
Or whether I don’t
It all leads to the same
Nothing is all I ever have to show

I can keep myself hostage
I can set myself free
I am a prisoner either way
For all attempts fail me
As does the lack thereof
Leaving me to wonder…
Why the **** am I here at all?

If life is meant to be more than this
Then why the hell am I still stuck here
With every effort leaving me further behind
And no effort at all bringing me nowhere still
As best laid plans and good intentions
Crumble to nothing more than dust either way?

It is said that idle hands are the Devil’s playground
But it is the mind in which demons reside
And when so much time and energy has been spent
For so many years
In so many ways
It is not my hands that bring destruction
But my thoughts that torment my soul
For not only do I lack the energy to continue to try
I lack the energy to fight my mind
Which is anything but idle
And I have far too much time alone
Sitting here wishing things were different
Failing to do anything because I am tired
Tired of constantly failing
Collecting dust
Failing to fail
But failing, regardless

It is also said that the heart wants what the heart wants
But the translation of such resides within the mind
And if dreams and wishes come from the mind
As do the doubts and fears that work against them
Is it but worry of failure that plagues me
Or experience in failure that deems it so?

I have tried for so long to change my circumstances
Pursuing my dreams
Fighting against all odds
Only to find myself at odds with my self
As everything I have tried
And every way I have gone about doing so
Has failed me
Time and time again

All I have done is waste my time trying
And the only thing worse than that
Is the time I waste by not trying

The saying goes
You’re ****** if you do
And you’re ****** if you don’t
For me, this saying is all too true
Be it something or nothing
I’m ****** if I do

If one day
after random hellos
and sporadic dialogue
you suddenly realize
you’ve been thinking of me
admiring from afar
anticipating the next hello
I hope you’ll boldly dare
to cast fear aside
and
without a word
without hesitation
let a kiss be our next conversation
to see if our hearts collide
in all the best of ways

If I said all that I want to
If I said all that I’d dare
I’m afraid that you would run from me
And the feelings I’d declare
I’ve come to care so for you
That sometimes, it brings despair
Oh, the things I long to share with you
If you, as well, would dare

I know I am my own disaster
Even as I fall, so grow the flames
I rise, but feel I’m sinking faster
The caster of my sorrow, I’ve proclaimed
That I, when into myself gazing
May never tame the sorrows come to play
I know that it’s myself I am betraying
Denying everything my heart proclaims

At times, I find the things I fight for
Become the things that slowly tear me down
It’s hard to know just what to die for
When so much I have faith in lets me down
My heart still knows what I cry out for
When all falls down, and every in-between
The truth of it all: I’m misleading myself
When through it all, I know what true love means

Yet, I tell myself the same things
And I sell myself the lies
I ignore I’ve been forsaken
By my painted on disguise
As I fall a little deeper
In regret and in despair
‘Til the day time brings me nearer
To the love my heart declares

And so, I’ve come to love disaster
Sometimes, it seems the only truth at all
But even so, I will not make it master
I fight myself through every bitter fall
I know true love is some day waiting
In my heart of hearts, I can’t deny
Someday, when I’ve finished breaking
I’ll know just what it is to feel alive

So with every lifeless motion
I hold on to peace of mind
Even when it so betrays me
And I feel so dead inside
Raging on against the darkness
I embrace with such disdain
Knowing once, my heart was happy
And it will be once again

So I tell myself the same things
I’ve ignored too many times
Knowing so much has been taken
But I will not lose the fight
Every day, my heart falls deeper
Someday, hearts will be declared
When I open up my eyes
I hope to see you standing there

I don’t know just where to go from here
I am lost without you here by me,
And everything I would give to see your face again…

I am lost inside my own dark mind,
‘Cause I never once could defend myself
Against the memories that scream they’re still alive:
The way I lied to myself about how things would change,
How I’d never be the man I used to be.
But, I let you lie, and told myself again that it was fine.

All the words I've said to you
Were drown out by your hate for me.
I’m the one who hid the truth, and lied about your lies.
I don’t care what you believe.
Believe it.
I don’t care what thoughts collide inside your hollow mind.
I don’t care what you say.
So, say it.
I know every single lie you never tried to hide.
Now, I feel so hollow inside,
For you've forsaken all I am.
You’re the one who left me alone
Before I ever left you, alone.

We separate ourselves with broken walls and unlocked doors
And sell ourselves the lie that we have kept the world at bay
All from our shadowed corners of misery
We bleed the names of enemies upon the shallow floor
And say that they’re to blame for all the things we never say
Falling so much further into agony
Oh, the masks we wear
Looking through hollow eyes
Painted on expressions
Held on with bitter strings
None of us will dare
To cut these shallow ties
And cure our own infections
To end this suffering

We open up our hearts and let world come dancing in
Revolving hand in hand across the broken, shallow floor
Knowing where this hopelessness will lead
Trying much in vain to live a normal life again
Always so dismayed to find it harder to live for
The very things in life that we all need
Oh, the cross we bear
Hear the strangled cries
A chorus of intentions
Enslaved by wondering
Punishment we share
In chains of our own lies
Losing our direction
‘Til none of us are free

We can’t deny our failures
We can’t deny our faults
We can’t deny the person we’ve become
Despite the cost
We can’t deny the reasons
Why we deny the truth
We can’t deny the hopelessness
And pain that we induce

We chase the ghosts of memories throughout the shadowed hall
Breaking down the doors to every lie we’ve locked away
Even now refusing to see
The enemies we bled were never enemies at all
We let them hold us captive with the words we let decay
The essence of the truths we once believed
Oh, the way we stare
Into our hollow eyes
Twisting our reflections
With what should never be
Until the day we dare
To cut these shallow ties
We’ll burn in the infection
Of our self-induced disease

“At last…”
The chaos sweetly sings.
Such melody befalls mine ears,
Entwining with hopes long forgotten,
Imbibing withered dreams to life,
Calming calamity, and thriving the storm…
Thrusting me without warning into understanding.
The rush, both startling and soothing.
The vision inhales, and holds its breath,
Forcing it to the very core...
And finally exhales the vapor of imaginary limits.

The smoke rises

The fire grows

Shadows deepen

The night whispers

Silence screams

The battle has begun…

Smoke another cigarette
Cry another tear
Neither one help me feel better
So much now that I forget
It’s all becoming clear
With every word I write
With every letter
Do I even know myself?
Am I but a stranger?
Have I ever known myself at all?
So many things I tell myself
But, maybe that’s the danger
Maybe, it’s but dreams that I recall

Is this real
Or is this dream?
Am I fast awake
Or wide asleep?
Am I all or nothing I’ve wanted to be?
This pain I feel
These silent screams
Does my soul shake
Or does it creep?
Is it what I’ve lost or found now haunting me?

Thin enough to see the stars, yet strong enough to balance the sky, are dreams of weary wanderers, and their hope to one day see them fly. Such hearts of pain, yet still such love within them burning ever on. Such burdens bared and demons slain as every darkness burns to dawn. Such storms that rage in times of calm. Such peace that thrives through what doth rage. Such tears of loss. Such tears of joy. Such need to write another page.

Anxiety
Depression
How is it you control me
Every fight
Both day and night
‘Til my words cannot console me?
Am I blind?
Am I weak?
Have I just been strong too long
Without the love I once had faith in
‘Til both faith and hope are gone?

~

So many people say they want someone who loves them truly
So many people say they want someone who understands
So many people say they want a true, kind hearted person
While refusing to give credit to the ones they find at hand

They want someone to show them everything they’ve ever dreamed of
They want someone to be there through the calm and through the storm
They want to be loved perfectly, along with imperfections
While they reject each imperfection found with hate and scorn

They want someone to show them truth and honor such as they deserve
Dishonoring the truths they’re shown with unwarranted lies
Continuing to push away the very love they’re looking for
While treating those they push away the same as those despised
They cannot see that they’ve become the same as those who’ve done them wrong
Believing they are justified in everything they’ve done
They have been done wrong so many times that they’ve been blinded
It’s here I see that, just like me, they were strong for way too long

Just how long can one be strong while their weaknesses are preyed upon?
Just how long can one seek the truth when all they’ve found are lies?
Just how long can one have faith in everything they’ve been hoping for
Before faith begins to falter, and hoping comes to be despised?

~

There are, by far, too many people in this world who lie about love
Because they know if they pretend to be true, they can use someone for all they can
‘Til they’ve had their fill
‘Til they’re caught
Or ‘til they find someone from whom to take more
It matters not, as long as things continue on as they had planned
Not caring who they hurt, as long as they can gain what they desire
Leaving such good hearted people broken and in pain
Until, for far too many, faith is lost in what they’re hoping for
Because the love they’re shown proves to be lies again and again

None of us experience exactly the same circumstance
For, even when they’re similar, the variables change
Some of us are more prone to depression and anxiety
The same for fear and doubt, though they effect us all the same
Some of us can tolerate, or withstand, these things longer
While some of us will reach our limits sooner than the rest
This timeframe individually depends upon our heartache
Along with depth of love and trust that each of us invest
As well as the severity of sufferance we each endure
Each time we’re left to feel we’re cursed after feeling we were blessed

For those of us with clinical depression and anxiety
We torture ourselves more each time, convinced that giving up is best
It makes it that much harder to have faith in what we’re hoping for
Especially when we think we’ve finally found the love that’s true
The hardest part of faith and hope is holding on until the day
We find the one who, just like us, will prove their love is true

~

Anxiety
Depression
For so long you have controlled me
But I still fight
Both day and night
Though sometimes words just won’t console me
I will find the love I seek
For I’ve been waiting far too long
To lose my faith and give up hope
Despite this pain that lingers on

My worst nightmares aren’t found in slumber
But in the realities of the waking dream
For at least occasionally in sleep
I find a way to escape the screams
For, these voices never let me rest
And a heart in pieces can’t rest in peace
Sleep comes rarely, if at all
No chance for dreams to bring release

My demons aren’t those of hell
They are the ones in my own mind
Myself I torture constantly
In this prison of my own design
Surrounded by the ghosts of loss
And phantoms of true love unseen
I wish that I could sleep a while
But my heart and mind keep haunting me