Sometimes
I find it hard to breathe
I find it harder to live
But it's easy to quit
So why not quit
Take the easy way out
Is that really what I want
That will never be the answer
Never
Even though
When I think of what has happened
That's when my throat closes
When I go back to that day
That very second
Right before the pain
I know I was happy
And that happiness beckons me
With all the force I have
I attempt to fight it
But how can I when that's really all I want
I'm not there yet
That fact
Is the one that keeps me up at night
And ruins all of my dreams
That claws at the corners of my mind
Grasping the dark edges
And hanging on
Feeling like cold knuckles against warm skin
Bringing out cold thoughts
And brittle memories
The ones that break me down a size or five
That put me in a corner
And lock me up
Feelings only begin to sway around the room
Positive and negative collide
Making everything black and white
And unreadable
That's when I know
Exactly what I must do

Everything gets blurry
Through teary eyes
Emotions spilling over
Wet and black smearing
On a sweater sleeve
Red eyes shinning in the low light
Looking in them is a mistake
They lead you to sad places
Hospital rooms and X-ray machines
Foolish children in hallways
Rumors in every corner
Bickering parents behind
Closed doors
Muffled screams into pillows
Ever haunting gymnasium in
Every dream
These places that follow her
That shatter her heart
And break her soul
That mold her into who she is now

and your     electricity
will propel   through me
   jolt me     ALIVE
make my skin   tingle
                                    this and your fingers
twirling until midnight
   chilly   trail   along   my   back
bones  I own
     played as a     silver harp

kiss me (pink)
and I’ll   sip   your smell
   like white wine
slip it under
my sleeve
   breathe easy
if you have     stained     me
with a [quick] shock of lipstick
watermelon juice
as a burn on my     neck

kiss me (red)
and my veins will i g n i t e
     a sunrise
between-our-toes
cauldrons for mouths
   burbling bits     of us
fat   happy   glistening   bubbles
wrench me
from the river   you know how
    rinse me in lilacs

kiss me (black)
and I’ll   crackle
spl int er as glass
be swept            along in neither here
               or there
lose my   taste   to the wind
fill milk-bottles to the     brim
   with inane bOO-hOOs
those bluespinksreds in-betweens
     **** me gently
(with a smile)

31 october 2014*

There will come a day
education, career, kids, love
after,
when all the feelings in the world have
allready been felt.

On that day
there will be so much, still
but all is old, recycled, outworn
Like that old sweater you used to love,
only wistfulness keeping it mourning in its drawer.
One day you will find it
recognise it, smile
only to put it back,
never wear it again.

There will come a day
laughter, tears, irresponsability,
later,
when we will live but not.
Routine kills the reckless,
only absurdity fills their lungs.

On that windy day
there will be so much, still
so please,
don't tell me about used up feelings.
Please, I beg.
Tell me I’m wrong.

Depression is like quick sand
You don't know you've walked right into it
Until you start sinking
And you can't get out

Pardon me your Honor
May it please the court
I'd like to present a case here
Much worse than first thought

It involves my client
A case I'd hate to lose
Forced onto this life of
Living out the blues

Pardon me your Honor
May I approach the bench
You know I don't do this often
Since I don't know when

My client has been set up
And he's tired of the abuse
That's why we're here seeking mercy
Way beyond the blues

Pardon me your Honor
I feel my client has been framed
He's given up his freedom
His happiness, his name

How he came to be here
He really has no clue
All he asks is that
I defend him from the blues

Pardon me your Honor
And jury of his peers
The man that stands before you now
Is innocent, that much is clear

My argument convincing
The evidence is true
You must find my client
Not guilty of the blues