i was ashamed of us
idk why i was
i just never had him on my lock screen in fear of someone mocking me for being in a relationship
i was scared that i deserved to be in a good relationship
a relationship that slipped so soundlessly into the night whilst i sobbed into his hoodie i wore
it ended in the nighttime the same way it started
it’s was in tatters
i used too much in so little time
impulsive and indulgent was all it was in the end
in the end i felt free
like i has finally let go of a trapped beetle that wiggled about in my clasped
squirming to get out
and i said i loved him so many times
so many times i thought that if i reminded him he was loved, he wouldn’t let go
i was wrong
i was truly standing by myself when he decided to only respond to whatever i was saying
and i knew it was over when i became obsessive of us breaking up because i couldn’t worry anymore
i couldn’t worry about every little thing he was doing
saying
thinking
anything that i could imagine and it came true
i’m so glad it came true
i was so ashamed of us
because it meant that i was going to sabotage this relationship soon and i knew it would be on purpose
just as i have done to myself
never did do anything to deserve these kind things
it’s probably selfish of me that i don’t recognise these kind acts i’ve done but i’ve
humbled myself to the point i’m ashamed of the relationship i’ve had with him
however, would i do it again?
yes, yes i would
do i regret it?
no, no i do not
then why?
because he was simply to good for me.
i could never be ashamed of him
i was just ashamed of myself
for being such a fool to think i was ever forgivable for moving away.