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4
fnshfq Jan 2020
4
throbbing veins visible on my temples

a numbingly strong feeling of compressed pressure

its volatility stretching from the arches of my eyebrows, peaking to the bridge of my nose

my throat is locked, jaw tight

this feeling, though unwelcome, has seen itself through my doors so regularly

and ever more so often these days, it seems

4 minutes was all it took this time

what will the magic number be next?
fnshfq Aug 2017
it aches
a hurt so deep
i feel it within

it starts as a slow numb
spreading over my beating heart

then it flips
constricting me
tighter

till its hard to breathe
till i can't see anything but a steady stream

it burns me
my skin torn
my bruises worn

i did this to myself
i fell in love
with a boy who is incapable of loving anyone back
fnshfq May 2018
completely shattered
the waves continue to crash down

i lift my head up
but air never comes

my lungs are burning
my body, weak and shivering

i try to speak
but all that exits are screams

i gag my mouth
i pull my hair
i scratch my skin

anything to make the pain stop

your words, they linger
although i knew they were all in rage

they don't go away

"i ******* hate you"

they circle in my head
becoming bigger with every orbit

so big till they drown me
swallow me whole

i become them

im just a fragment of who i used to be
ive become what youve told me i am

and with every fight
i lose a little bit of myself even more

will i disappear?
fnshfq Aug 2018
if you read this, it means you have finally pushed me off the edge.

i will not sit here and take the verbal abuse you haul at me each time you blow up.

a mother would not sit there and yell at her daughter about how fat she is, she would not buy her a weighing scale and tell her it serves to remind her of how much she needs to lose.

she will not give her toxic opinion about how the clothes she wears are made for girls much, much slimmer than she is.

a mother would not look at her daughter in the eye and watch her words cut holes in her kin's chest, and not falter at the tears she sheds.

a mother would not raise her child alongside whitening creams, and tell her she can only be pretty if she uses them.

a mother would not laugh along to snide remarks about how her daughter is bigger than her, and probably wears a larger size.

you, mother, have been the stem to every insecurity and self-esteem issue i have developed, faced and struggled with.

you are the reason i cry myself to sleep at night, feeling uglier than i actually am.

you are the reason i always look when i see a mirror, checking my appearance for anything out of place.

you, mother, are the reason why at the tender age of 13, i spent my nights with my fingers down my throat, forcing out the contents of my stomach, just so i could appease your definition of beauty.

it is why i change my order choices at restaurants whenever you side-eye me for ordering something indulgent, and why my heart sinks everytime you chastise me for having a candy wrapper in my room.

it is why i was underweight in primary and secondary school, and why i was so physically and mentally weak.

it was a big reason why i fell into depression and why i don't think i will ever love myself truly.

at night i wonder why you have chosen to be so toxic to me, instead of encouraging me to love myself and teaching me that beauty is not skin-deep. i wonder why i had to go through so many years of pain and self-loathing.

i think about all the sleepless nights i've had, just obsessing over my worth, and in turn leading me to harm myself, which has now turned into a tragic stretch of skin lined with white scars from 7 years of coping.

i think you know about that though, for you have seen them and you are aware of the blades i keep within reach of my bed.

your words have shaped me to be the broken shadow of a person i am, spineless and without a sense of worth, ready to be stepped on by anyone i encounter.

mother, i will never be enough. i will never be pretty enough, thin enough, or even smart enough.

mother, i am sorry for not being the daughter you have always wanted.

and i am sorry that you are not the mother i would have wished for.
fnshfq Sep 2017
i always had a feeling
that i would die young
i brushed it off as paranoia
just my mind being dumb

but here i lie
3am in a cold bed
my body lacking warmth
my head not in the right place

i feel it, a lump
something that shouldn't be there
its painless, and silent
but still an invader in my chest

"go get it checked out"
you said, with an indifferent gaze
then changing the subject
death a topic far from your daze

would you be sad?
or was i always a waste of space
one more mouth to feed
a body to accommodate

would anyone care?
would anything be said?
"she just got a scholarship!
oh what a waste"

i can't help but think
that my bed has been made
and what awaits me,
isn't a friendly fate

for all i've done
on this temporary earth
was sin my soul away
since the day of my birth

i am afraid of what's to come.
i found a lump in my chest today.
fnshfq Jun 2017
type my name in google,

i am death
i am annihilation
i am eternal damnation

"meaning of fana"
press enter,

i am suffering
i am transitory
i am the extinction of oneself

how do i be happy
when it seems like i was destined for sorrow

my own name
a haunting taunt
a reminder
that i am a walking disaster

i am fana
and my name defines me.
couldn't you have chosen a different name, mum?
fnshfq Jun 2018
it starts off
right in the core of my heart

it spreads
numbingly quick

i start to lose my senses

vision blurry
fingertips numb
ears quiet
and mind empty

my awareness is reduced to
not solitude,
but rather
isolation.

my body loses warmth
my heartbeat slows down
i start shivering
and then the pain starts

from feeling nothing
to absolutely everything

the pain washes over every inch of my skin
and  i feel it sting my eyes
my tears escape and i start to shake
my hands
my body
my soul

everything is crashing around me
but i dont make a sound
i lay here
quiet

i lay here
broken

i lay here
lonely.
not poetry, just experiences
fnshfq Mar 2018
"just undress here, and put on this gown"
i stripped myself bare
soul on display
i put on the flimsy blue material
my back peeking through the slits

im led to a bed
and suddenly im being pushed away
away from my mother
away from everyone

they didnt even let me kiss her goodbye

im wheeled through metal doors
everything reeks of bleach
the type of squeaky clean that burns your nose

we stop
a pass is fumbled with
"surgical hall: authorised personnel only"
the light goes green
"access granted"

the doors hit my bed with a bang as i am pushed through them
blinded by the bright lights
4 of them, surrounding a table

a 'bed'
but really just a thin mattress
propped onto a high metal table

there are people in green robes
with masks covering all but their eyes
they stand, waiting

im laid down
and suddenly i feel a strap
across my legs
across my torso
"its just so you don't move around during the surgery"

i nod, silent
my heart in my mouth
my hand is grabbed
and i see a needle

"this will hurt okay?,
i close my eyes
as they try to locate my vein
nope, again
i **** a breath in as i feel metal in skin
an iv drip hooked to a clear drug

my dressing gown is fondled with
my chest bare
i feel the cold tip of a marker
a hand tracing
x marks the spot, right?

my head feels light
and i feel fear in my bones
i think of your face
i think of you, red

suddenly there is someone above me
"breathe in deep"
a mask is lowered onto my face
in slo-mo it seems;
probably just my mind playing tricks on me

i breathe in
at first everything is fine
then it starts to burn
the air flow changes
anaesthetia
it burns my nose
i don't want to breathe
it hurts
but i must

i think of you
and i inhale
i feel a tear
escaping either sides of my eyes

i see a nurse notice
and i hear her voice, fading
"its okay"
my vision goes black
i had surgery to remove a tumour in my chest.
fnshfq Jun 2017
it was nothing

but everything, all the same

i felt the familiar throbbing start

slowly washing over me

blanketing me in a wave of subtle pain

it gets stronger

"its nothing, don't think about it"

it starts to get unbearable

the tips of my fingers go numb

the base of my throat swells up

it was nothing

but it was everything, all the same
fnshfq Jan 2018
it hurt too much to bear

i feel for a blade
hidden in a trusted place

i felt it on my wrist
cold and sharp
thirsty

i feel my tongue under my fingertips
as i went deeper
purging

i felt both my hands
knuckles deep in my hair
pulling

then i felt nothing

nothing but a stinging wrist
a burning throat
and a sore scalp

but at least my soul was numb

for now.
fnshfq Jul 2017
you pull out your phone
and my eyes cant help but wander

i see her name
and hers
and hers
and hers

4 other girls
all lost in daydreams
thinking they have a chance

i am lost still
even if i know of their existence
i know you like me best
tell me you like me best, please

you talk to me more than you do with them
i know you better than they ever will

you talk to me about things they would be bored of hearing
but i listen.
i listen and i adore

i adore the way your eyes light up
when you talk about things you love

oh how i wish
i was one of those things

but at least
at the very least
i am closer to being one of the things you love, closer than them at least

or am i?
fnshfq Jun 2017
i am soft

"gentle"
as people have said

"graceful"
as they watched me

"kind"
they told me to stay

"naive"
to a certain degree

i am soft

like the waves that roll onto the shore
like the clouds that drift evermore

i am soft
like a feather dragged upon skin
like water cleansing your sins

i am soft
but am i?

my heart feels empty
from giving too much of myself out

my mind is wary
the whispers in my heart never spoken out loud

for the fear of not being accepted
my sins, my desires, my mistakes

every time you tell me i am perfect
i feel myself sinking into a pit of despise

i am not perfect
stop telling me i am
i make mistakes
and here alone i stand

the girl who was supposed to be everything

here i stand

the girl who is nothing

nothing more than
white scars upon wrists
fingers throat-deep
skin littered with a stranger's kiss
no one's soul to keep

i am soft
but am i?
fnshfq May 2018
hush, little one
don't say a word
you can't be loud
or else you'll be found

quiet, little one
he'll hear you now
just stay mum
keep holding your tongue

thats a good girl, now
don't make a sound
if you don't speak
what you say won't count

breathe, little girl
don't be afraid
just keep your wall up
don't make any mistakes

its going to be okay.
fnshfq Jul 2017
you said you'd be my white blood

fighting,
all that was wrong

all that was harmful
sheltering me from storms

from nights so dreadful
from devils with masked horns

but here we are
where did it go wrong?

how'd it all turn so quickly?
a sudden shift of heart

you were supposed to save me
said you'd be my white blood

now here you stand
the hand holding the gun

and here i lay
trying frantically to hold on


-
you told me you'd protect me from everything that would hurt me, you failed to mention you were going to be the source of my pain

— The End —