I fall in love with boys that I've only known for a night
in badly lit rooms, unfamiliar to me,
with music I've never heard before playing very loud, maybe too much so.

What is so addictive about intoxicating myself, painting my lips red
and brandishing these boys' cheeks, and mouths and tongues
with a shade of lipstick that is maybe too overbearing, and tastes cheap.

All the while they brandish me, with unforgettable eyes, a kiss,
maybe too good to be true, and a personality that soars through the skies
leaving me attached, again, to someone too good for myself.

I haven't moved on, I haven't moved on
I'm still stuck on you and I never even knew you
I never felt your hand in mine and it's still the only thing I need
I never knew the way your breath warmed the crevices in my neck
and I still wish to know how your lips would feel
pressed to mine, at 3 am when your touch is the only thing
I desire deeply enough to deny myself sleep
I don't know what you meant when you said you couldn't tell me
I didn't understand, and it's been nearly a year,
but I still don't
and sometimes when I look at the grass, and in the sky
and at the bottom of a bottle of cheap *****
I think of you
and I think of how you left
and I think of how much I still can't comprehend
and I had no closure
and you didn't care
no closure
no closure
no means of explanation
just a body that I never knew
and a pair of hands that float in thin air
and arms that will not hold me in 5 years
when I'm still unstable thanks to my first love

sometimes i wish i had people to talk to
about what goes on inside my head
but then i remember i’m overtly content
with living inside my own mind
without the need for interruptions
caused by other human beings,

because i’ve come to learn
through the experiences of others
that when you let people in
you are letting them drag you down
with the weight of their being
on top of your own

if my eyes were never meant to see the world
at 6 am, as the sun is rising, and my blood is pumping through my veins
so fast, I feel lightening could be replacing my cells

and if my lips were never supposed to meet yours,
on nights alone, with a lot of fumbling, and suppressed giggles
between words that were worse left unsaid

and if my ears were not placed upon my person, to hear the way
you laugh as I tell you stories, or to listen to you whispering weakened
'I love you's at 3 am

then tell me why I was born unto this Earth at all?

I am not ready for commitment, or to know
that I am loved, loved in a way
that will lead to spilling of brains
and hearts out of ribcages
opened weak, vulnerable
resulting in hurt and tears

I am not enough at peace with my heart
nor my ability to trust and open up
to have such a permanent placement in my life
I want red lipstick smeared on wine glasses
filled with ***** and whiskey
late nights in warm rooms, too warm
with something funny to smoke
to feel slightly relieved when the boy I kissed
for 3 hours last night, knew I meant nothing to him
as he meant nothing to me
I am not prepared to part
with the "one night only" lovers
and the fun that comes
with being young

to be free, to stay free
a soul that is not ready to be locked away
in exchange of an open cage
for a brittle heart that cracks
under the slightest pressure

im sad again

for the first time in a long time, my eyes are spilling, and my hands are shaking

and the pain in my chest won’t seem to budge

and it’s back to me wanting to run into your arms

to feel the only home and safety i ever knew, back to comfort me once more

but i never felt that home in the flesh, only through the encasing of softly spoken phone calls, and carefully chosen words

i need to feel my head nuzzled into the chest that feels so familiar

yet so heartbreakingly unreal

i need to feel the softly spoken words against my cracking lips

i need to know that you still love me

despite everything, and all the time apart

you still love me

things change over time and I know this far too well
but when I'm looking at you
and your eyes begin to swirl into patterns that I feel like I have always known
I feel time stand still, I feel everything stop in this world
and in that time, the only thing I can think of is you
the way you look in the mornings when the light cuts through the blinds
how you smile when you look at me, when we kiss
the way your fingers intertwine with mine...
and then I am awakened
not sourly, but in the most lovely manner
with the feeling of your lips pressed to mine
and your arms around me
and I know that if I ever am scared of the moon falling
and the sun's rays ceasing to shine
I can look into your eyes on the darkest nights,
freeze everything, and know that you are mine