There was once a hungry lonely lion
Who hadn’t any friends
It never stopped him from trying
But it was too late to make amends

He had eaten Mr. Zebra for dinner
And Sir Buffalo for the crunch
The animals thought him a sinner
When he ate Mrs. Kangaroo up for lunch

He didn’t get invited to Giraffe’s party
It quickly created a void
He heard it was chill and hearty
And they played a lot of Pink Floyd

The lonely lion sighed
His carnivorous desires left him bleak
As much as he really tried
New friends were impossible to seek

One fine day he was struck
By a lightning of epiphany
This idea could very well bring him luck
And end his spell of infamy

While on the toilet seat
He browsed through a magazine page
A new diet with no meat
Seemed to suddenly be all the rage

He grabbed a bowl of grass
And ignored his craving for gazelle
He’d decided to be a lion with class
As he excitedly snacked on lightly salted pretzels

For breakfast he had a juice
And Mrs. Parrot noticed it was kale
Soon the lonely lion declared a truce
And Mrs. Parrot squawked of his vegan tale

For lunch the lion ate cauliflower
And the animals gasped in shock
“Come animals, witness my vegan power!”
Roared the lion as he chewed on a grassy stalk

Soon the animals welcomed the lion
Except Mrs. Owl who was wise
There’s something about him I'm not buyin’
I just can’t seem to believe all his lies

When there was finally peace in the forest
The lion threw a grand feast
He called the best chefs and the florists
To give his new friends a treat

The spread was mighty splendid
All the dishes were vegan and gluten-free
And when the dinner had ended
The animals sipped on piping hot tea

“You’re generous and astounding!
Our herbivore brother and kind beast
This transformation has been confounding
But thank you for the wonderful feast!”  

The lion was now glowing with pride
In the animal kingdom he was admired
But something rumbled from deep inside
Something in just the way he was wired

His hunger which he ignored
Came bursting through the seams
The satisfied lion now got bored
With his desperate vegan diet dreams

He pounced on Mr. Rabbit
And gobbled him up pretty fast
Blame it on the bad habit
But his vegan diet did not last

He ate Mr. Deer and Mr. Moose
Yet his tummy growled for some more
He ate Mr. Hare and Mrs. Goose
Until nobody was left on the forest floor

The owl watched completely flustered
as her friends were brutally killed
Mr fox and his wife covered in mustard
gobbled by the lion who was weak willed

I apologize for my condition
My weakness is delicious meat
I need to tend to my nutrition
And thus I must simply eat

I truly am sorry said the lion Stud
As the night grew silently grim
But the chances of us being real buds
Are unfortunately pretty slim

Once there was an old woman
who had tremendous bad farts,
And this is where our story begins
this is where it all starts.

Her farts were just awful
they'd stink up and ****
They'd make babies cry louder
and make all the roses wilt

When she walked into town
her farts wouldn't stop
A green stink cloud would follow
wherever she'd walk

"Whats that AWFUL smell?!"
people would exclaim
Then they'd all point to the old lady
who always suffered the blame

Due to these consequences
the old lady was lonely
How much she longed for love,
and just a place that felt homely.

They say there's someone special
for each and every soul
Even for stinky old ladies
and that's why this story is told

When fate intervenes
no one can really say
Whats meant for you or me
or what makes old lady's day.

For one day old Miss Stinky
was walking through a store
She met a perfect gentleman
who held open her door

He didn't run away
like all the other people
He came up to Old Miss Stinky
and oh how she got so feeble!

He fell in love
with all of old Miss Stinky
To her **** bombs and green clouds
he said "Oh wow, That's real *****!"

You can never know
when your special someone comes by
For If stinky old ladies find happy endings
why shouldn't I?

Now she's not alone
just happily farting each day
They had a huge hazmat-mask wedding
and he swept happy old Miss Stinky away

My girlfriend is upset,
and I have no idea why
For some reason she's mad,
and for some reason I made her cry

I tried to calm her down,
but she wouldn't look at my face
She told me to leave her alone,
and that I'm a rotten disgrace

I tried to speak to her,
but she did not want to tell
I tried to ask her what went wrong,
but she told me to go to hell

She did not cook me dinner,
so we ate Chinese take-out
I tried to smile and start a conversation,
but she just sat there with her pout

I wonder what I must have done,
to unleash such unholy wrath
I tried to figure it out,
I tried to do the Math

My girlfriend was trying to **** me,
and settle some unknown score
She tried to hit me with a frying pan,
and chase me out the door

I fear for my life,
my girlfriend has turned into a witch
Now she's got a chainsaw,
and she just turned on the switch

Her eyes were glowing red,
and she spat out blasphemy
She came at me with the chainsaw,
and I almost jumped out the balcony

I never saw her this worked up,
I must really be at severe fault
She was always so loving and kind,
but now all those things were at a halt

I tried to recollect if it was something I did,
or could it have been something I said?
Was I just a terrible boyfriend?
or was I just awful in bed?

As she chased me and I ran,
I wondered what started this vicious spat
It suddenly struck me and then I remembered,
Oh yes... I called my girlfriend FAT.

Beware of the smiling crocodile
He’s charming as a flower
Even though he’s a vicious crocodile
He hides his true croc power

His smile is bright as the sky
And his teeth sparkle like the sun
When he displays all his crocodile charms
It’ll be too late to know what he has done

Don’t get too close
And don’t let him see
A vicious mean crocodile
Will only sense your vulnerability

Should you fall within his grasp
And his grip clutches you in,
It’ll be too late, say farewell, my friend
The giant croc has taken you in

For when the crocodile smiles
And his jaws open wide
You will not know
Until you are eaten up and digested inside.

My girlfriend was so pretty
And normal as could be
But then something horrible happened
And changed her entirely

One day she was sipping coffee
A spider fell into her cup
It was too late when she gagged
And realized she had swallowed the spider up

The next morning when she woke up
And scratched her sleepy head
She discovered that overnight she had grown
Eight spider legs and a giant spider head

She screamed as she crawled out the door
And shrieked when she looked into the mirror
Her spider senses tickled and twitched
And made my poor girlfriend quiver

Her life has never been the same
Being half a spider and half a lady
At first I wasn't sure I could continue dating her
I mean, just imagine starting a family and having a spider baby!

Sometimes I think and wonder
What to do with our lives
Normal is seeing your girlfriend shopping
Not chilling upside down from the ceiling watching Desperate Housewives

Sometimes its quite funny
To see her browsing at a store
Where she’d usually buy a pair of shoes
Now she’d have to buy three pairs more

When I couldn’t take her shopping
And tried to run off with the guys
She spun her spiderweb and caught me
And took me by surprise

I’m so sick of her spider antics
I really wish we were done
At first she was a lot of nice things
But now my spider girlfriend is no longer fun

I took her out to dinner
And the only thing she ate
Was a plate of fried houseflies
And a glass of lemonade

When I tried to hug her
Her eight legs wrapped me tight
They gave me such a shock
Eight legs were such a hideous sight!

I couldn't take it anymore
I broke it off with her and made her understand
But now I really regret my thoughtless decision
Because now my girlfriend is dating Spiderman.

I'm tired of not having a date
to take me out on a Saturday night
When nobody calls me and its getting late
Its such a pitiful sight

So I've decided to put on my wizard hat on
then go down to the basement below
and when my family have all gone
I'll build my very own boyfriend and nobody would know

He'd have eyes so dark and dreamy
he'd have arms that'd hug me tight
and when he'd turn his face to see me
his face would shine real bright

In a huge *** I stirred the magic brew
and I started dreaming of my lover boy
dreaming of all the lovey-dovey things he'd do
I started to bubble up with joy

I threw in hairspray for wonderful hair
and a Jon Bon Jovi CD for a heavenly voice
For huggability I also threw in my teddy bear
along with all my other stuffed toys

I added cologne and expensive perfume
so he'd always smell like a cool breeze in spring
My boyfriend would be nearly perfect I assume
and he'd be made up of all sorts of wonderful things

I threw in a black tuxedo and dancing shoes
so he'd be classy and gentlemanly
He'd be the perfect boy I would choose
to start my perfect family

As I was done with my recipe
I chanted my magic spell
smoke and fumes rose up endlessly
My hardwork was complete I could tell

Out popped out this boy wonder
who looked dreamy as could be
My knees went weak and my heart spat thunder
as I giggled nervously

We went on our first date
but It was a disaster straight from hell
This monster I decided to  create
made me want to take back that awful spell

Me and wonderboy did not work
and we broke up instantly
with no love he turned out to be a ****
completely devoid of chivalry

The good things in a man
are not always the things that show
you see you must understand
True Love isn't what you think you already know

The things that send you head over heels
may not be the things that truly last
because the boy wearing expensive perfume
may turn out to be just another *******!

My boyfriend won’t cut his horrible hair
It’s quite a horrible mess
And it gives me quite a horrible scare
This I just must horribly confess

It takes hours to wash his hair
And hours more to get it dry
He resembles a tamed grizzly bear
And he doesn’t get just why

The tangles and knots cover his face
It’s practically impossible to see
There’s a boy hidden behind the space
Between the wild hair and shrubbery

I got him a comb to manage the terror
Before the stress gave me a stroke
But when he brushed it, I realized my error
When the comb I gave him, finally broke

I tried to introduce him to family
And it was a horribly embarrassing task
The scarcely groomed anomaly
Was what everybody talked about and asked

We went to the park and as we talked
A crow swooped down low
It sat in his hair and as we walked
It laid several eggs on the go

I finally had enough of his hair
And got a brand new lawn mower
How he’d react I did not care
His bushy hair days were finally over

When the monster mower growled
How my frightened boyfriend ran
As his hair fell off he howled
But out emerged a gentleman

He can finally see his face in the mirror
But there are hills of hair in the yard
I've learned skills of a master sheep shearer
But left my poor boyfriend heartbroken and scarred

**** you stupid boy
For making me queasy and shy
I've got butterflies in my tummy
And stars in my eyes

**** you stupid boy
I've got this stupid grin
I cant wipe off my stupid face
And now I've got goosebumps on my skin

My head is up in the clouds
And my heart has bounded to space
Today I put on my t-shirt in reverse
And set my pancakes ablaze

Today I walked into a wall
From giggling at my phone
I got hit by a bus
Instead of walking straight home

When the bus hit me
I was still smiling and did not move my feet
Now I have to explain to my terrified parents
How I broke all my teeth

The puzzled doctor was astonished
He said I’m sorry there’s no prescription I can give
That can cure your chronic state of love-sickness
And hopefully let you live

**** you stupid boy
You’ve got me on a thrill
My hearts on a roller coaster ride
And quickly going downhill

**** you stupid boy
you make my face go red
when I read your stupid messages
when im supposed to be in bed

**** you stupid boy
You've got me in complete reverse
I mopped the dog and walked the mop
Please break this silly curse

The other day I was walking
and suddenly the lights went low
then I realized I had walked into an open sewer
that was left unclosed on the floor

I’m wrapped around your finger
And there's not a single trace
Of a sense of focus
On my absent minded lovesick face

**** you stupid boy
You’ll be the death of me
Next time the bus won’t break my teeth
I’ll just be history.

Everytime I'd think of you
I'd send a memory to the sea
Riding on a paper boat
To somehow bring you back to me

Time and time again
I'd send dozens and dozens more
Till one day I found all my paper boats
Washed up on the shore

While I was sending you paper boats
A storm had settled in
Brewing and stirring the ocean depths
Taking my boats I sent within

My paper boats never reached you
My paper boats came back to me
My memories are now upon the shore
Haunting me endlessly.

Little Miss China would always cry
and sit in a puddle of teary mess,
None of the people ever knew why
Little Miss China was always so stressed

She'd cry and cry for hours
until her blotchy eyes ran dry,
Her neighbours would send her flowers
and sometimes bake her blueberry pie

Nothing consoled her china soul
Flowers withered everywhere she went,
Birds stopped chirping some were told
Nothing could make her happy again

One day she started crying
and she didn't seem to stop,
Days and months were flying
but her tears continued to drop

Soon Little Miss China flooded the town
and the water levels towered high,
As the waves came crashing down
There was no longer land that was dry

She swam for her life and found a boat
but still her tears continued to fall,
She tried her best to stay afloat
then into the boat she crawled

Little Miss China was heard of no more
I hope she is finally happy today,
Nobody knows what happened for sure
ever since Little Miss China paddled away.

Crazy Nancy would braid
a thousand ribbons in her hair
Into town she would raid
on her yellow bike with no care

She'd never mind her p's and q's
She'd laugh obnoxiously loud
It was sheer etiquette abuse
She was the talk of every crowd

Nancy would drink bottles of gin and soda
then burp out a melody
She'd get drunk and impersonate Yoda
then get condemned for heresy

All the old ladies would grumble
"How Manner-less!" "How Vile!"
Out of their mouths would stumble
"She must have been such an awful child!"

She'd spend her days daydreaming
and cooking in her underwear
She'd hear the old ladies screaming
but Crazy Nancy never did care

The other girls were all prim and proper
but Crazy Nancy was plain wild
There was no old lady who could stop her
or tame Nancy to be a little mild

Don't be like Crazy Nancy
She must have surely lost her way
She'll never live a life that's fancy
is what all the old ladies would say

So the old ladies stuck us into straitjackets
Prim and proper women we became
to fit tightly into their rigid brackets
while Nancy was the only one who was truly sane