My body is not myself
but an entraption forcing me
to speak and dance like someone.
Though I am always inside this prison
of human manifestation
I do not belong within myself.
every time my eyes close
I swallow
                           take a step
                                                    inhale.
­I fall deeper into the dark edged chasm
blurry and anxious shaking
I am not myself.

Slowly I am slipping
The time around is dripping
Like a tragically peculiar Dali
Everything is merging into one
While the cigarette stench permeates the fun

Faces blur,
And thus the confusion begins to stir
Cluttered in the utmost bizarre way
To the pounding music, bodies start to sway
Twisting, turning
Grinding, yearning
For a fervent hip
A hot seductive lip

Dancing to a heartbeat
Eyes eventually meet
Electricity ignites the numbness
Stumbling and mumbling, a clear disastrous mess
Grabbing at the fabric, of the jewel encrusted dress

Passion like the bubbles of champagne
Intense but quickly fades to yet more isolated pain
Bodies intertwined, faking a connection
Clear lack of recollection
Slightly soothes the soul

Beginning under an infatuated spell
Ironically ending, with an awkward farewell
Perhaps an attempt to feel well
Or the perfect chance to rebel

every time
you ask the same questions
sometimes twice

                     Why on earth are you here with me?
                     You look at me like you genuinely care.
                     Why?

my answers are mangled messes
there's no absolute truth
only many components of why

tonight I am quiet
I contemplate how to say
exactly what I mean for once
  
                            I thought you were adorable, and interesting
                            at that ridiculous icebreaker the very first day.        
                            I do care. You're a genuinely good guy.
                          
Maybe eventually
I'll be able to finish what I mean.
Maybe someday I'll answer:

                            **You're everything I've ever waited for...

Goodbye Tooth Fairy
Goodbye Easter Bunny
Goodbye Santa Claus
Goodbye childhood

Hello Boogeyman

I keep telling myself
write it out,
talk it out.  

but the smell
of your sweatshirt
erases my writing

and leaves me speechless.

Why do you walk through life with a man who's lap has not moulded to the stress of your swollen feet?
With a man who's shoulder does not hold the curvature of your head
With a man who does not smell like goodness
and who's skin is not saturated with your tears.  
Why do you walk through life with a man who's nights are not spent worrying
about how cold the empty space on your bed is
in his absence?

Mama, tell me why you walk through life with him?

We spoke in tongues that day,
Your fingers trailed my body like
a harlot skimming through the bible finding her daily grace.

The Sun, her majesty, jealous of the
nervous heat that fought for a moment of breath between your satin body and my scarred chest.

Did you know that I almost cried?
Because your touch was everything I feared the most.
Your touch was confidence, maybe love.
It hurt.

We don't speak the same language anymore,
For your fingers,
are too holy for mine.