I offer no useful explanation
No news flash story on the madness of my life
Cause there's sorrow and sadness, yes
and loss and 
"yes and no" answers
25 years of grieving bereavement 
Me at my hastily finalised funeral
Songs and soundtracks 
A casket carried out  
To far approaching forever
Awkward; pausing moments
The pall bearer moves, nervously
Slips
Someone 
Plants an assuring hand- 
Mateship stays but Death-
Death 
goes on and on and on
Rattle ump thump
And the end is never near,
And always.  

(I.)
What if I told you
About the person I once loved
And probably still love
And miss
With all my heart?
Such was a kind
When I was a kid
Caring fellow
O How he loved me
Love like I never knew
He carried savage lies
As they ravaged the
vein branches of his innocence
Needled, repeated
Poisoned again and then...
(II.)
There! - I would point -
With a small boys urgency
Just there!
Seething,
Slithering,
Snaking
Like a Medusas head
Beneath untainted skin
He was the gatekeeper of insidious secrets
Hero of my happiness and
Gaoler of sticking sorrows
His -
Mine -
Brother-father of mine
You never let on -
Stayed true
A kid of four with
An absurd peculiar burden
Peculiar truth
Peculiar responsibility
For a little boy -
"Grow up, grow up!" came the witch like demands
Of the situation makers
His horned and calloused skin
Thickened by the trickery
Because a lie needs a lie needs a lie -
(III.)
I hated him for that
I loved him, too
Was all I knew
He was my best friend
We were partners against
Heinous idiocy
And who could ever
Understand-
When understanding was the least of any ones concern?
(IV.)
What if I told you
How we were kids once
We two brothers
Necessary friends
When all other children could ever do
was only ever
as children can do?
Shared innocence
Shared love
A depth, an understanding
remained "us and ours"
Then to now - forever just "us and ours"
Our pain
Our secret
Origin to morose self loathing
(V.)
Remember me  
Brother!
I miss you
I long for how
I would hold your hand
When it was mine to hold
I would ****** it greedily
Convinced it would always be-
(VI,)
You knew me when I
Was Primary School made, unfettered
A free and happy kid
Before I was double figured
Before this life demanded
(VII.)
Was my third year in -
2 years and one marked
Collapse
And the beginning of a lifetimes bereavement
Why'd it have to change
This playful aura of early education?
Yellowing school building boards
Warming sun and wide verandah
Grey wooden expanse in my mind
Friends were mine then
"Friends" O where - I wonder
There was Ian and Phil
and Igor
I recall
and Laura -
maybe Georgina too
We'd play catch'n'kiss or
Catch'n'pretend
(I could never catch those summer afternoon dresses)
(VIII.)
Sometimes I go back to that playground
I imagine the heckling crackling of dead red leaves beneath my feet
Dry leaves and the screaming of little girls
Old man winter tree would watch on
Witness to free and early personality forming
I think on the winding valley avenue
Weeping willow waiting
Dangling, dancing, dappling
In this sacred Summer haze
What happened to my childhood?
(IX.)
You were there, brother
It was flat chat and Pine Gap
In every home a Big Mac...
My super hero
I'd sing about you
All praise and fond regard
You told me
mum said
We're moving
I tried to make it best
All courage and flexibility
But starting is always hardest
When starting presents tough, tangling challenges.

We were two boys, naked and *****
You bent me, my young body Reassuring, fulfilling -
the ******* of your steel inside
Is a feeling I've never forgotten

Cat said to Bat

"I'll get you"

But Bat teamed up with Dog

"I'll join with you Bat"

said Dog, as Bat flapped about, with effort.

"Thanks Dog!" exclaimed Bat, with a dash and point mark.

"You know we might just beat Cat -

if we team up -

I mean"

said Bat, earnestly.

Just then Cat, who had been watching all this with mild amusement, started talking.

"I take back my threat" said Cat -

"I didn't mean to be so brash"

Although she secretly did,

And Cat clasped the handle with her razor length claws.

"That's kind of you Cat" said Bat, as he flapped about with effort.

Cat could continue holding her domestic chores for at least another half hour.

"I'm glad I could help" said Dog, while glaring at Cat - who wasn't really a cat at all.

Obviously.
And not Dog.
Or Bat.

Cat once drew Dogs blood -

She wrote

"Cat rules OK"

On the pale whitened fence
Dog had been mending.

Dog remembered.

It made him angry.

Just then Bat made to leave

"Thanks and please, and thanks again"

quipped Bat,

as he flapped about -

with effort.

He closed the door.

The arguing continued.

In the light of your immaculate form I make the following declaration:
I will be your jealous cellist- 
(I.)
And I will play you like a stringed instrument - then
When you make delighted whisperings
And finesse the fine music of the feminine, magnificent 
Your heathen distemper
Distributed, 
woman-like, goddess-like
Classic cello-shape 
Draped in lilting silk
Then
I will fiddle and pluck
Cast broad swathes near and about your single tingling place 
Your attuned instrument 
And it's spruce wooded
frontispiece.
(II.)
You faux arabesque 
(for faux is our shared domain)-
Your hands moving gracefully - you pause - 
Feigning flight 
Feigning fancy
Considering
My rising fire 
Weighty desire
Shadows mingle with glimpses of
My thickness and length-
Veined skin and steel, 
White - waiting, wanting -
And there's an answer. 
(III.)
You are girl - such a girl 
I am boy, only boy 
My persistent mans eye view 
Part pleased with the flashes of you - 
Now in new 
Near **** rhythm 
This gilded exuberance, 
Radiant
Hypnotic
Sets sparks flying 
Tickling toward sky and stars
I would have you 
My dexterous digits upon your supple, warm-
Fragrant fresh flesh fret board 
I would squeeze you where
Your mystery resides and
Elsewhere besides.
(IV.)
Roughly - at first - needy
Determined -
I would play upon
Your duet of juice creators
Invoke the 
Holiness of your 
Secret sacred spaces
Doublet, Triplet, Quintet 
Play on! play on! 
I would have you 
With my plugging piece 
There! There!
Your open legs 
Secretly seeking my carnival of thrusting 
Inside your warm girls pearl
Antidote for collective loneliness. 
(V. )
I would hold you, your sides - 
Firm in my greed
Our lustful minuet in 3/4 time
Play on, play on - I 
Kiss your neck, 
nibble your *******
It's you, it's you
You arch yourself toward me
Warmly
Affectionate, 
We hold hands, fingers between, 
And dance. 
(VI.)
This some time Summertime
Bright flame 
We reach - how we reach- 
Our mouths, our tongues - 
The very words we speak- yearning for - 
longing for -
Connection
Each to the other, and 
Our connection to God 
"Rightful sin - 
Come to us again
And again - and again 
Satisfy our minds!"