I asked you to hurt me
To break every piece of me
You looked at me with sad eyes
You sighed, "I love you darling"
I didn't understand

That didn't hurt me
I remembered this months later
With tears in my eyes
I didn't understand then
But now I do

Click them off like

rosary beads

with accossiated prayers.


Smudge the dreams

into the eiderdown,

And divide them down

in ironed out

layers.


Line them up and

gobble them with listless

tea.

I am your prediction!

(said in shushes,

quite benediction)

I want to drop like stingless bees.

I am Addiction to Tranquility.


How jealous I am!

Watching him fall on his ****

as I begin the solitary farce

of trying to close my

eyes.

I watch his chest slowly sink and rise.

How beautiful -

to be cut down,

like grass.


Flophouse drapes of

cigarette smoke

hang from the ceiling in

billows.

A headache clings and

holds me close as

daylight stumbles

like a ghost,

and settles her questions

on my pillows.


The tragic thing about each morning

Is that I greet each sleepy dawn

with the dry and

pinkened threat of tears.

Sleepers – do you know the

might of what you do

each ******* night?

The oblivion in half your years?

The fiction of your wild frontiers?

The obliteration and presentation

of all your garbled

Freudian fears?

Do you know the glamour in what you do?

Do you know what I’d give to be like you?

To live and somehow not be here?

To close my eyes?

To disappear?

I'm reading a book about
Eating disorders, and all I can think about
Is the hospital with the light blue walls
And the tiredness you feel after
Hours of crying and sobbing, followed by
More crying
I think about the young nurse grabbing my arm
And pulling me out of the bathroom to weigh me
And before I step up, she gives me an option
To stand looking towards her, making it so
I can't see the scale,
An option I gladly take
But when I get off the scale,
She mutters my number anyways
As she scribbles down notes on the yellow paper
That has my name written at the top, sending me
Running back to the light blue bathroom
Crying

I don't think
That feeling of tiredness caused by
Crying in front of the mirror
Has ever left, I think that feeling is here
To stay

I am too sad to write about you
I try to articulate my feelings
On how you left
On how you left after saying
So many beautiful things
You spoke of love and forever
But my mind keeps stumbling
And cycling
Running over and over those few moments
"You're the stain
on my favorite shirt--"
No I can't it's not right
You made my heart full and happy
Seconds before watching it
Fall and shatter
"I fell in love with---"
That's not it either
You broke my mind
This sadness reaches so deep
How am I supposed to overcome it
When I can't even get out
What it feels like
There are thoughts
Running marathons
Around and around and around
"Your love was so simple--"
Stop
Scribble out
Erase
Start over
That's not it either
What is it?
What did you do
In such a short time
That impacted me so deeply
It broke my mind