A glimpse in
Where matters are settled
Where emptiness as devil
Etches patterns
On my stone walls
A cave where light seldom reaches
A palate of distrust, hatred, blood
Inside it shines
In light of the seed
Of hope I cling desperately to
I bask in its heats release
Shy away from the dark
Though it permeates
Waiting for falter
I am drug under
The gasps and slights in breath
A shaky end, whitened blend of
The peace and serenity within
They end
Blackened attraction for finality
The action to silence
And extinguish all I see
All I am, me
When I glimpse in

To take that which lies
and insist on compromise
tired, sleepless night
I chose to be hungry

Invaded incense musk
lilac bush in the faded light of dusk
the buzzing of bees has finally ceased
and I chose to lie, hungry

The smell of metal
my tongue and nose taste as it's wetter
summer rain, warm breeze through screens
I do not eat, though I am so hungry

Under blankets of sun and sheens of sweat
I let go of reality I seldom met
taste turns sour, no matter it's source
still, I deny myself the worst

Idealizing my death, among life
Trees, grass, flowers, smiles mask me
I will always be this hungry
as long as creation follows death

My eyes beg to be laid to rest
And the coffin of my thoughts isn’t enough
I wait for the black silk of night
To fade into the first rays of sunshine
Before sleep takes me from this land

I was never this sick in Reno
When I had bedtime stories read to me in jest
And every moment since there has been a coaxing of lips
My tongue was as ardent as a bundled tress

I never had a dream to complain about
No itchy, wet, sticky unfinished seam
I sew my skin shut after piecing it apart
And sometimes the scars are so light they fade into the milk of my skin

When my brother asks about it I scream
And I tell him to mind his own ******* business
I don’t even know why
I just know anything is better than admitting the depths of my feelings
They barely exist when not meeting my whims

Old page markers and books devoured and forgotten
My childhood could be lengthened to blank stares
And perhaps it would if I could allow my head room
But it’s easier to never go back there

I am meant to feel
positive
I am insignificant
I want talent
and I strive to achieve
that which will never be in my grasp
So I undertake these challenges
These tests of my capabilities
and when the going,
as it is said,
gets tough - I quit
I do not have the time
nor the imagination
nor the qualities
nor
no
nothing
and this poem
full of pity-filled
hatred
is going on longer
than I have meant it to

I am not a beautiful girl
who loathes her being
her grace, her pale skin
the veins that protrude
But I loath existence
I loath the mirror
reflecting the distortions
that may or may not be there

I am an untroubled woman
who absolutely hates
everything about myself
physical or otherwise
but it's ignored at all times
until it's finally brought up
I realize I can not love or communicate
or have a relationship
that is more than superficial

I sit, writing, but words don't always come
I want to describe the utter nothing I feel
I want words to flow like water
like smoke or smell
not stunted like I seem or am

deleted

):

I know all about depriving myself
Who needs sleep?
Who needs food or love?
I need coffee, I need a smoke break
I need someone to hold me up

It's great that you're here for me
But I can't take what you want to give me

I'll eat your stories, tell me a lie

I know what I'm doing to my body
I know how the mind suffers so
But what is this trap that I've already fell in?
This darkness, pitch-black, that I've caught myself in again

I'll eat your stories, tell me a lie

Did you wake up on the right side of the bed?
I'll wake another, so tell me you know what I want

I'll eat your stories, tell me a lie
Darling, don't think twice
I'm counting on nothing
I know I'm not gonna make it out alive
I'm doing what I said I'd be doing by this year at this time
I'm doing what I told you I'd be doing
Planning a way to end my life
Counting on you to not think twice
Counting on nothing to be a release from this life

they really need to add a delete button

deleted

I have deleted

Silky body
glistening leaf
the trees, alive, sing

I've been big and small
Bent muscles and snapping sinew
Ate grief for breakfast
Pancake platters
Black coffee
And an endless summer where
I sat over the river on the
Train tracks
Looking up

No one sees me now
As they did not then
But now I have myself
An itch, memories
My only friend

I've sat up all night
Gazed out the window
To see lights
Blue
And white
If I'm not living
Well
I won't leave at all
It's my life

There was nothing behind it
The sainted windows
Where I sat and I waited
Peering beyond my own face

Ice cream cones and Captain America
No, I won't do it, I can't go it alone
Transparent through the glass
Nobody wonders if nobody knows

But you knew then
When the grins dashed behind our lips
The snowfall cushioning every footprint
You knew even when I didn't know

And all I have is the imprint
Your eyes
Because, you're just gone and you never said
Never told me
Never let me be alright

You told me again
In not so many words

This time I didn’t ask you
Why I was drowning in sand

Your hilarious moments
My part in your hands

You did not say why but
You did tell me when

And it was a month after I asked you
And you denied, denied my plans

But this time, you laid it out
Plainly and it really hurt

To see that you chose another when
I was still here in the world

So you will not be my lasting
My handsome prince

I did not choose to walk away
But you did, you did

i want to **** myself
i want to die
take a handful of pills in shame and forever fly
how unfortunate
i am now distraught
i want to end
i cant believe i did what i did
i cant believe i was open and honest
and i am not who i want to be
he knows it and can see it, too
i want to die
i want to end
and never see another one again

wow i just ****

I lost the only man I ever had
He looks me in the eyes
To say I’ve never had him

I am standing on street corners
And huddled in the shelter
Every other
Fourth night
When the weather
Just, the frigid weather
Turns my bones to ice

He won’t drink with me like this
He can’t think beyond his brains, his fists

I could make you live again
Pealing laughter, movie reels
Scandals, scarlet, moving through time
I can make the sheets unwrap themselves
It's you and I, you and I, alive

The wildest fantasies
Your secreted-away dreams
Victim, poison
Feather-light fingertips
Again I have shown you what I fear
It's you and I, you and I, tonight

Everyone I touch
Leaves me
And I love them

There are no strangers
To have a coincidence
No one, not them

If I could be the starry skies
Or the freeway
Busy, all night

I could be the overpass
No one to listen to
Nothing to fight

I'd wrap myself in dandelion
Or whispers...
Endless pearls

I'd miss the morning
The next day, and ending
Of the world
__

Kiss me
Like morning light
The fabric of the sky

Like little diamonds
Precious pearls
I fashion from bone

What's here is no longer
I must have thought
I'd see the final blows
__

The world is rebelling against me
I must cradle myself
Hold me throughout the night
Red, lights, blue and white

I must wrap myself up
Place me in a glass bottle
Where none can touch
Just shining, shimmering, look-

My hair tangles and falls
Ditsy strands by the handful
In the same clothes as yesterday
And the days before that

I only exist to echo back out
I only drink if I intend to black out
I only wanted someone to notice
To find out ...

I no longer let my lips chap
Even when I want them to split and crack
I no longer curl my hair, or paint my skin
I don't starve my body
Or look everywhere for harm

I just imagine the steps to the overpass
I think of the glock, my guns
My childhood, on repeat, his arms

The last decade on the edge
When I could make no plans
Because today might be my last
In trash heaps, no friends
Wishing, wishing, wishing,
I could
The end

I don’t think I’m the type of person to be loved
I will always do the loving
Only my tender sighs
Gloss curtains, silk
Brown hair, tattoos
Muscles and uniform
I fall again and again
For everyone and for you
And it never matters
Even when I need it to

He can touch me
Like I am a statue in his garden
To visit on every idle Tuesday, or holiday
Everything will turn to time

So I will let him feast on me, fearless
Wild, swinging vine to vine
Tearing smaller creatures apart
With just his teeth

We met at my weakest moment
And his highest pride
I am magnificent as a rainstorm
And just the same to ruin the daylight

I promise him nothing
But all of my nothings are cursed
To be sweet, nourishment
I am always so eager to fill his cup

I am only silent when I am too scared of the sound

I have to commit it to memory
Before it ages out of me
All the easy laughter
Pigtails, lollipops
Begging in my mind
Something will burn me down and consume me

I spoke of faking bruises
And pretending what was done to me
Tony said to draw in
A hand at my throat and Jacob laughed
Coffee stuck - A choke
And I don’t know
Was I the joke?
A message to shut up -
Or an image he’s thought of but not spoke

Tony asked me, who do I like?
Clarification - only who I work with
And I don’t elaborate on how’s or why’s
Caffeine and sugar sweeten my reply -
No one, just I
Just I
And I’m sure neither were surprised
I am both a pretty picture
And a nightmare -
Sigh

I can feel him
Like the ghost of a touch
The breath on a glass
Long forgotten

A temperature cradled in silk
After I’ve left the bed
That only holds
Until the room absorbs it

That’s him
Left in the last swallow of wine
Who you imagine
In the pages of the books you read

You know,
Sometimes i feel the echo
Of my former disease
Wonder why instead of living
I write silent poetry
Whisper my secrets
Into my books
Or speak, shaken
Stuttering breath to a stranger
On a plush chair
In a rented office space

I know one day
I'll no longer be here
By hand, by wandering feet
Or by happenstance
But that is not freedom
Only something similar
I can not be free
If i am not there
To live it

I tell anyone with ears
To listen to me
Listen to my mournful
Empty tales of
Empty life
But it can always get emptier
Distilled down into
A spectre merely mirroring
Making no memories
And spending all of my time
In such a daze
Laying the way sunshine hazes
Over a hot summer morning
Just falling asleep with its rise

That hollowed out feeling
In the throat and in the soul
Not predator or prey
But other
Focused attention
Only on the body
That has been me
I could still do it
Be the beautiful that carves
But does not imprint
The stone scale monument
That pressures and presents
Too, too acutely
Those brittle, thin fingers
And protruding spine
From every angle
Even the sides

Or, force myself
To wait out the urge, the blame
To suffer and suffocate,
Stay the too-quick beating
The unfathomable
Ache of my heart
And quiet its cries
For the scales to balance back out
For the knife to reverse course
Stop stabbing inwards
To make its sickening point
My own worst enemy
I did not place this curse