How you waver and you tilt
while you walk or move
Images flickering behind your eyes
shadows rousing from their dens
making themselves home
The center of your life
The itch to have to get it right
You could give in, but mind is will
and body as it's follower
is of no importance to you
So you lay, awake, stretched
across all the space you can take
Your bed is solitary
The last place to take freedom
and stand your ground
Laying on the comforters,
freezing, window open
to let in winter as a gift to yourself
Because you deserve something
after putting yourself through all you do

i want to **** myself
i want to die
take a handful of pills in shame and forever fly
how unfortunate
i am now distraught
i want to end
i cant believe i did what i did
i cant believe i was open and honest
and i am not who i want to be
he knows it and can see it, too
i want to die
i want to end
and never see another one again

I do not see what they see
but I'm frightened that I do
and they see this massive form, too

I exist on coffee and air
more often than I'd like to admit
But it's worse to say when there's food involved

It's shameful to be scared to consume
while every calorie is an expansion of tomb
of your skin that you wear daily

And you grow larger and larger
while not eating much or nearly enough
and you really do see it that way

You wonder, everyday, has one person noticed
Wondering if there has been any change in appearance
even though the number on the scale keeps going down

You believe it for a moment
and in the mirror you can see it, finally
You're smaller, even sickly, and it feels good

But then you lose your control one day
and you eat and eat until you can't physically swallow one more bite
and though the weight gain is nowhere near noticeable
You're just as fat as you were when you started

I need to purge
Negate existence
View less, consume less
I will see, explicit
facts and earning
and statistics to abuse
That I will use

Unable to accept
My powers, inept
Waiting and wishing I were what else
Someone not subject to Self

Lulled into security
Fathoming worth
It is not I

saddled on top of her own world
an empty nothing
i exist though i wish i didn't