is the toughest thing that i have ever done.
it completely changes you, and the way that you view yourself,
the world, and the people around you.
it makes you reexamine yourself, and makes you explore the
parts of yourself that you don't want to explore.

love is the hardest thing that i have ever done.
it's because i'm beginning to realize that maybe,
since i never chose to love myself first,
i am absolutely sabotaging a boy who loves me so much.
in my heart, he means the world to me. and he chases me,
and loves me, loves my scars, and fights so hard for me.
and here i sit, denying the idea that someone could love
someone like me. but he is always there beside me,
begging with me, crying with me, that his heart is honest.
that it is completely with me.

and i keep wondering if i am okay for him. if it is okay
for us to keep fighting for each other this way. i mean, it's when
there's no more fight when there's a problem.

i don't know who i ever was without love.
i don't know who i ever was without him.

there have been multiple times where i've wanted to throw
my hands up and give up. but he has never given up on me.
he has never even considered giving up on me, even though
i had collapsed and cried and blamed him for such a silly, silly
little mistake that was so easily forgivable.

i am no longer afraid to be completely
immersed in his love, because every single doubt
i have ever had has dissipated. i have never felt
so loved
and accepted
and cherished
and wanted
before. and it is a truly, truly, truly amazing
feeling, to feel absolutely loved.

I've found the person that I
want to spend the rest of my life with.

instead of victimizing yourself to the consequences you've bestowed upon yourself.
you need to change yourself and take ******* responsibility for your own *** if you're unhappy with where you are, and who you are.
you need to discover and play with your own ******* potential.
quit sitting around waiting on someone to save you, on someone to promise you "forever", for someone else to change YOU. because nothing is forever, everything changes.
nothing will ever be the exact same way that it is right now. at this moment. this is just one of the unique times in your life that you will live through - you will live through billions more of these.
and you yourself can decide where you want to go at this point in time.
**** it. even if you're happy. do not ******* settle. ever. keep striving.
nothing is forever.
nothing stays the same.
everything around you changes. do not be stationary.
change with the times. adapt, evolve. keep your heart.
but always remember that life will keep going on, with or without you.
do not sit on your *** for too long when life knocks you down.
it's not easy, whatsoever.
you are allowed to cry, and sob, and yell. you will be discouraged. it will ****. you will hate yourself sometimes, but you shouldnt for too long.
you need to forgive yourself and bring yourself up. you need to fight on, keep pushing, do you, and ******* prosper.
stay humble. stay focused. keep your heart. fight on.

that have ever made you cry, or have ever hurt you.
you mean the absolute world to me.

i don't ever want to let you hurt again.
never want to let you feel like your feelings mean nothing to me.

i am beginning to truly understand the quote:
"hurt people only hurt people."
i don't know what i am hurting over, at all, anymore -
because you have made me feel so wanted and loved over
these past few months. i think this is the most love anyone in my
life has ever shown me - never have i felt so appreciated and beautiful
and smart and like a someone since you.
maybe i've just been too scared to show my emotions for as long
as i could remember, without realization even striking down;
i have my fair share of too many sad nights crying to myself -
wishing i could reverse time
just dreaming about how things could be different
if i was just someone different
in all of the aspects that make me who i am -
and hating what i've been reduced to, hating the faces
i make when i cry, hating the sounds that gurgle in my throat,
the loneliness around me when i wish someone would grab
me and say, "it's okay to not be okay!!!",
detesting the way my shoulders shake when i cant stop
the tears that come pouring out of my eyes.

baby, you have loved me in my darkest blacks and blues,
my saddest grays and silvers, my angriest reds and oranges,
and my crazy greens and purples.

i am so sick of hiding from you, being dishonest in my feelings -
it's not that i didnt want to show them to you, i was just
terrified of how you would react to them -

now i'm beginning to understand that it's probably because
i never fully acknowledged your love for me -
i've always been so paranoid that you'd laugh in my face
and pick my heart up and go once i decided to fully give it my all.

is now a wrong time to believe that you love me?
is it too late? i beg to god that it isnt, because i will love you
until my ******* heart explodes.

the other day you were infuriated with me because of a stupid joke
i thought would be hilarious. instead,
i made you feel stupid - made you feel upset - made you worried -
and i belittled your feelings entirely.

entirely.
i cannot believe i had ever tried to stay ignorant to your feelings,
it still hurts to think that i ever did that to you.
i love you much more than that, but still, i sit here and
let myself hurt you without even trying to change who i am,
for you.
i am so in
love
with you.

i cannot believe how much i have put you through, it completely scares
me
that i have the power to do that to you. the power
to make such a sweet boy like you CRY, and WORRY, and HURT,
and OVERTHINK.
i can do that to you, too?
i am beginning to realize that it's not all about what you do
for me, to me, around me -
no -
love, it has a lot to do with what power i have over you, too.
it has to do with how i can hurt you, because of who i was
before you - and how i so eagerly WANT, DESIRE, and CRAVE
to become someone better, so that i couldn't ever let another
tear crawl down your face.

i don't ever want to hurt you baby.
but deep down,
i am PETRIFIED to be hurt, too.
this is what love must be -
sometimes i wonder if it's worth all the headaches and all of
the tears, all of the paranoia, and all of the hurt that we're banking,
and then you're wrapping your limbs all around me in the cool darkness
of my room,
whispering, sleepily, into my hair with your
warm breath and husky voice, "...pretzel."

and i can't help but laugh and spin around into your chest
before your kisses cover my forehead,
and you're groaning forgotten and sleep-infused 'i love you's into my
bed head hair.
you never catch the way i smile cheekily and stare at the front of your
sleeping eyelids as your teeth grind momentarily and you sigh,
pulling me closer into your body.
"i love you, baby." you will always say as i open my mouth to say it first.
"i love you." i will always reply. in every other life, and forever, ever more.

you are d e s t r o y i n g me in the most impeccable of ways.
i've suddenly stopped trusting you, and it makes me
reach out to you and hate myself when your arms are wrapped around me.

i don't know if i can do this anymore,
i don't even know if i really can love you anymore;
it feels like you are worlds away from me, when you sit next to me,
it feels like all this passion i have for you is just the passion i have
to fix myself. am i directing it all wrong? i'm so exhausted
with myself and my thoughts and my feelings.
i just want out. i need out. i can't keep doing this.
*but i need you.

i ditched an exam because i wanted to spend more time in bed with my boyfriend.
i ditched work because i wanted to spend more time in bed with my boyfriend.
i spend all the money i don't have because i want to spend more time with my boyfriend.
all my grades, all of them. are slipping. my life is slowly spiralling out of control. i'm losing all of my friends. i'm self-destructing, i don't care about anything else but him. he is becoming the focal point of everything that i am.

my boyfriend.
i am utterly hypnotized by him. i crave him. i feel like, i
am nothing without him - i have no meaning without him, i
don't know how i ever got along without him, i
can't get along with myself with him, i am so obsessed with him, i
need him so much, i can't stand a life without him, i
have no life of my own without him, i've destroyed
what little i had of myself without him.

i love him so much but i just can't live this life anymore where i am always wondering where he is. what he's doing. what he's thinking. he is so far away from me all of the time, and it feels like all of this fight is for [what]?

i crave him. and i love him. but is love ever enough? is love ever enough to keep me sane? i wish he were here to shut these thoughts up, i wish for him to reassure me that things are okay but i am just so insecure and scared and so ******* horrified all of the time

i love you so much, and i am so scared to hurt you
but i'm hurting. all of the time. i'm really in a lot of pain, baby.
i wish i was being dramatic but not a day passes where i don't cry
just
wishing for you.
longing for you.
waiting for you. i cannot do this anymore, baby boy, even though
i love you so.
i really can't, no matter how much i tell myself i will wait
i keep feeling my heart break every day just waiting for you.

you are worth all of my time in the world,
but these trust issues that have knotted in my belly
keep whispering that i mean nothing to you
and that im just your anchor at home while you play
with all of the fish in the sea.