the way that you melt into my arms when i tell you that i love you is my definition of bliss. i adore the way that you hide your face in the crook of my neck, and ask for me to repeat myself as your large hands find their way to the small of my back. tell me again, sweetheart. i love you so ******* much. i don't know how i ever got along without you.

and i will tell you again, while looking you in the eyes, baby. believe me when i tell you this. i cannot stand a life without you. and it feels like you're hearing my words syllable to syllable,
but you're not
hearing
me.

maybe if i worked harder at being the wonderful person that i know i could be, i wouldn't be so jealous of the people around me, and be stuck in these horrid, eerie thoughts of inferiority. maybe i need to focus more on myself, rather than being so insecure about the people around me.

maybe i need to secure myself first

i am jealous.

i am jealous that my best friend is absolutely beautiful
has her life together
is a natural social butterfly.

people flock to her.

it kills me to think that

i have lived in her shadow all of these years. she is the only reason i was able to survive throughout university.
she is the only reason i was able to hold any friends,
participate in anything, and essentially...
be who i am today.

i hate it.
i hate who i am today.



i feel so inferior. i am inferior to her, and i hate it so much.
i just want to be better. not better than her, but i think these feelings of not being enough stem from the very issue that

i am not where i know i should be

i am not the best person i am capable of being

i am not currently living the life of the person
that's inside of me
i

feel like i am worth so much more
and being blinded by the light of someone who is so spectacular
kills me,
brutally, i
love her for all of the things she has done for me,
appreciate all of the love she has shown me over the years,
been there for me, and sometimes, it feels like i should hate her for being
the best, but then i remember that i really just hate myself
so much
so much
so much

for not being
who i think i should be
where i should be

i remember the first time you had told me you loved me.
you had called me one warm night, when it was barely summer,
but barely fall
and i was hopelessly nervous
to speak with you with my roommates in the house.
they hadn't met you yet, but they might as well have known about
that kind smile and the impeccable way you had of
forcing me to feel things that turned me into absolute mush.

you were slurring your words, and talking about god-awful
things that had happened to you that evening.
i always wondered how you got so caught up in such twisted
situations - situations that felt like, i wanted to protect
you from, somehow, with these god-awful tiny hands.
if i could somehow calm the storm inside of you by cradling
your face in my hands, then i would hold you all the time.

i had missed you so much, i remember thinking, because
the butterflies in my stomach were unceremoniously unsettling,
detached from my thoughts, i wanted nothing more than to
just have my head on your shoulder with your fingers wound in mine,
i wanted nothing more than to promise you that i would never
give up.

i remember realizing that i wouldn't be able to have you as often
as i could have when school began and slowly started to gobble
up time i wish
i never wasted on books, on paper, on facts i won't ever need.
what theory means more than the fact that i needed
you more than anything?
- it petrified me to realize that
you were one good thing that i knew for certain, and every thing
else felt like a game, you were so real in my face, like i've just been
going with the flow this entire time, that this whole charade i've
constructed around me has boiled down to be utter *******.

love, you stuttered and stumbled, and stopped yourself mid-multiple-sentences.
you kept telling me that you appreciated me, and i don't know why,
to this day,
why on earth you decided to love me the most out of all the girls
that you could have, any time.
it never felt like i deserved it - never felt like i was enough for
you to love me this much.

and suddenly, you had just said it. and when you had said it,
you had repeated it, you had told me that
i was worthy, somehow. i don't understand, still, to this day,
why,
you ever
loved me at all.

it felt like a dream baby boy, i had loved you all along.
it felt like you were suddenly all mine, and it felt like things
were falling so neatly into place.
i had loved you all along,
i had loved you all along.

i'm so head over heels in love,
i've forgotten about myself-
about my grades,
about my work ethic,
about my friends.

my grades have definitely slipped massively.
i call in sick for work when i feel like being in bed with him is better than paying the bills,
and i feel like i only talk to my friends when he has done something cute.

who am i
anymore? the only person i have,
i forget about you each time i am
caught up in something good, i
love you so much but for some reason,
i am in love with others before you.
you are single-handedly, the most
beautiful, and more important person
ever. i am sorry, i must take better, better care of you -

*"if you don't ******* take care of yourself," he had said as he was scratching his messy bedhead, "i'm going to have to." and although that was the most loveliest of thoughts, the me from a year ago cried out in anguish: "no! don't you dare put your own well-being in the hands of someone else ever again. we both know how that could end."

i never have enough courage to do certain things for him - whether it be showing him my writing, showing him my **** side, or being utterly honest with who i am - why am i so scared of showing him who i am?

*"you are so weird," he said, shaking his head. "wow. sometimes you just knock the words right out of me. i don't even know what to say"
"but you love me," i had almost asked, although i had definitely meant to sternly state myself factually. as i was catching my breath to correct my tone, he had suddenly cut me off with a smug grin:
"i do." he rang. "you being weird. that's the best part of you."

but for so long now, i have been absolutely horrified of him doing me wrong. there has been nothing else i could focus on, other than the possibility that maybe, just maybe, this person that i've invested so much love and adoration in would hurt me, badly.

his reassurances have been constant, and his love has been consistent. it has been half a year since i had met him, and it has been three months since we had decided to give a name to whatever existed between us.

i don't know how he does it.

these demons i've let reign and conquer had basically eaten me alive in the past two weeks; i was sure i was losing my mind, i was sure i would never see things the same way again.

i don't know how he does it.

but he is slowly killing these demons, one-by-one. surely, i am on my toes, waiting for him to push me over down onto my face. but, at this point, i am on my toes still trying to kiss his mouth. to thank him. for shutting these monsters up.