is loving you well
while you are away from me?

i always thought saying goodnight to someone was the most romantic thing in the world,
because every night that my head hits the pillow,
it is like the thoughts in my head are knocked awake
suddenly crashing in chaos and begging to be heard-
i would do anything to shut those 2am thoughts, those 2am
thoughts that eat you alive and cry for your attention, your undivided attention-
and when i lie in bed, arguing with myself to ignore the words
that remind me
of all the mistakes i had ever made and how they will never wash off my skin,
i know that tossing and turning will do me no justice,
will not somehow shake those repeating words out of my brain.
for some reason, darling, hearing your goodnight would whisper
those thoughts asleep, rock them to bed-
those words that cut deep and laugh wretchedly in my ear are suddenly
silenced; blushing; bashful; they have suddenly lit up, and they mean no harm;
"goodnight sweetheart," you would simply say, and i could see the
way you're looking down the bridge of your nose as i
held my breath and smiled so easily-

did you know that i've been terrified to love you this entire time?

and now i miss the way we would eagerly fumble for our phones before bed,
call each other up and fill each other in about our days-
share what made us laugh, what made us mad, what made us think throughout the day-
check in and make sure you're okay, that you're staying on your grind-
make sure that you know that i still love you after all this time-
most of all, baby, i miss telling you goodnight, even if you don't let those 2am
monsters take you over like i let mine-
i just miss being the last voice you hear,
i just miss being the last thought in your mind,
i just miss you being the one to silence it all.

and now i can't get to the bottom of where these bad feelings are coming from. i can't tell if i'm frustrated that i miss you, or if i'm upset at something you said; maybe i'm angry with myself for not being able to trust you yet; i just keep thinking the end is near, and i hate thinking like this, hate trying to predict the future.

i just want to enjoy you now, love you now.
but these feelings are blurring my need for you,
it feels like these other wretched, horrible, scary feelings are overwhelming
my love for you and im beginning to lose sight again
of what's important.

i miss you so much.
i really, really, really do. but there are these demons that are slowly chewing me
up, swallowing me piece by piece every day.
i'm beginning to forget how much you love me,
i'm beginning to forget that i ever loved you at all
because i am so selfish, that i'm allowing these thoughts in my
head to overpower everything. every thing. i can't do it.
i need you here. i need you i need you i need you
and i think that's it, i wish you were here to hold me love
and tell me that it's all in my head, i really need you
even though i told you to leave me and live life, to go somewhere
else

baby im just so ashamed that i need you this much,
i hate myself for it because i've grown up with these values
to depend on no one - NO ONE - but myself
but i am constantly letting myself down
but you, you, you are so competent and able and the one
sure thing ever and i am horrified that i need you more than you
need me. it scares me. it's so scary.

before you left, i could already feel my bones aching to be next to yours.
you were sitting in front of me with my hands placed in yours,
and your thumbs brushing against my knuckles,
"i think i might have to leave for a little bit" you had quietly said
"but only for a little bit"
but before you could even reassure me, i was already
trying to pull my hands out of yours, but hold them all at the same
time,
trying to sit further away from you to take a better look, but trying to
keep warm next to you.
i need you to do what you need to do for yourself, i need you
to keep getting better and improving every second, i want you to succeed,
achieve, you are plenty of amazing all in one person and i question every
moment how someone like you had kept smiling with someone like me.
i need myself
to stop feeling so ******* let down every time you are away
because it's not your fault, it's just how life goes -
sometimes things happen that tear us away from each other,
it just feels so hard being away from you all the time because all
i want is to be with you.
i've been realizing how many bad things are in this world and
there are not many more good things left that i can appreciate
and you, darling, you are one of those last good things that i can
depend on to always smooth the goosebumps out of my skin.
i love you so much. i love you so much, it nearly kills me
to admit that i need you and i wish i didn't need you this much

you should love me harder,
whether you plan to keep me tomorrow
or leave me tomorrow

to the point
where i miss you so terribly,
where i need to stay high to genuinely keep you
off of my mind, almost every second,
where i can't bear to even let you touch my thoughts
for longer than a breath because
i miss you so much;
i love you so much and i need
you more than i ever thought i would allow myself to
depend on another soul.
what have i been reduced to?
it's like i never knew a life before you, and i never
want to go back. let's drop everything and see the world,
i am so in love with who we've become.
i am so in love with what you've become to me,
and with the way that you see the good in me
and with the way that you seem to love me back.
it looks like i've really fallen for you, pathetically,
and it drags me down because i know you can so easily
slip through my fingers, i can lose you so quickly
and it terrifies me into numbness, i
don't want to remember a world without you.

and I will love you until the end.
I'm sorry I say such stupid things; I'm so used to riling
people up. and I hate doing that to you.
I guess I've always wanted to affect someone, and the only
way I could do that is by being such a *****. no more, baby,
I can only do you right for ever doing me so ******* good.
I've always been so paranoid that people will hurt
me, and I hate being the one to be left in the dust.
I've always tried, since the beginning, to be the one
who never put her heart in, in the first place,
so I'd never get hurt again, never be the one to
cry over someone else again. I've felt so pathetic
being the one to cry, but in the end, I've learned that
being the one to cry is actually the better end - I would be
the one, in the end, who felt anything at all in the first place,
and through the ******* sadness of it all, I've somehow
convinced myself that hurting, cringing, ******* dying
little by little was the worst thing on earth. "it was never worth
the tears, my god, I wish I had never put my entire self
on the line like this. how will I ever find myself again?"
but his love,
his love,
his love... just saved me, and I feel so mediocre, so
stupid saying something so typical, so average, I wish I could write
so much better, articulate the way my muscles freeze up
when you look at me, without a word, you've got me wrapped
around your finger. how can i
describe the warmth you've torn open in my
chest, from the pits of my belly, you, baby, had
reminded me,
that it feels so ******* good to feel again, no matter what it
is. I've numbed myself for so long, like sitting on my foot,
cross-legged, arms crossed, waiting pathetically
on someone
to tell me to get up, losing all
stupid feeling in my toes, in my ankles
in my calves, and in my legs,
I was just losing interest in ever knowing what it was like
to stand proudly again, like we are meant to do.
but he appeared out of no where,
pulled me up on my feet, yanked me
by the wrist and his fingers found their place between mine,
and somehow he had me standing on my feet again,
static shock through my toes, I felt him on my palms,
silly electric fizz in my calves, I've never felt this
***** smile on my face before.

how can I ever repay you?