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 Aug 2013 explorereality
Redshift
prickly little thoughts
rudely address me
in the quiet
of the air conditioned
hidey-hole
i've spent my summer in.

thoughts like:
you're a *******
you're going to die here
they think you're joking
you should tell the truth, sometime
maybe it'd
be nice
why can't my face be
the way i want it
why can't my
stomach
be flatter
why can't
mom just
spontaneously combust
so i can have
my family back
why
why
why
you are
you are
you are

.
..
...
....
...
..
.

i talk a lot about
flying

i like the idea
of it

it doesn't even bother me
that those that fly, fall

i'll cheat the system
i'll have a rope

catch
me
i would like to exit my brain, please.
 Aug 2013 explorereality
Redshift
erika's coming back in two weeks.
ah, the prodigal sister
who promised me that she'd give anything to spend the summer
with me
her
bestfriend
me who's
been alone
all year already
and trying to be ok
but no, she has to stay at school during the summer
study with her voice professor
launch her career
i
*******
get it
but give her
one day
and she calls dad
says she's going to kentucky
for the summer
to have fun
on her own
...oh.

i really don't remember ever being that angry
or hurt
i remember throwing things
and kicking a chair
and my foot even bled
and i swore at dad
and sobbed
and it was ridiculous
but it was how my insides felt.

and now she is back
for two weeks
and then gone again
i'm looking for somewhere to be
for two weeks
anyone want to
adopt me
i need to talk to someone so i don't let this all bottle up and i just lose it again. but people are such ****.
 Aug 2013 explorereality
Redshift
i wish someone would think
"we're spreading Red
too thin"
 Aug 2013 explorereality
Redshift
littlred's in trouble now
the scars
were found
someone's got to answer for them
and i hope to god
it won't be
me
i prayed for a year and a half
that dad wouldn't see

i'm in

trouble
 Aug 2013 explorereality
Redshift
everything leaves a heady
sickly sweet
aftertaste in my mouth
like whatever i ate
didn't want to go down
lord
help me
breathe
 Aug 2013 explorereality
Redshift
my mother always used to say
(usually in distaste for someone else's behavior):

"if the shoe fits."

as a child i
puzzled over this phrase.

i never understood people who hated their mothers
mine seemed alright
we'd have a fight
once in awhile...
but i think it was when
i was sitting with a judge
on my right hand
my mother in front of me
and the brown-toothed woman lawyer
next to her
both of them
talking out the corner of their mouths
bringing up
any bad thing
i'd ever done
and some that
i hadn't
that i finally realized
what "if the shoe fits"
truly
meant.

that day i guessed your size,
mother.
and i knew
just which pair of shoes
you'd chosen to wear
for the rest of your life.
one is called
mockery
the other is called
bitterness
and you have a backup pair named
hatred
and
scorn

today i looked at her
in her shoes that fit all too perfectly
(like they were even
made for her)
and realized
that they are one of the things
(out of many)
i wouldn't like to
inherit...


mother,
if the shoe fits...
wear it.
 Aug 2013 explorereality
Redshift
i no longer look both ways before crossing the street
i have decided to let Chance
have his way with me.
i've stopped stopping at stop signs
and watching my step on steep inclines

but Chance is a petty *******
and pays no respect to Intentions
be they good, bad, or
mediocre

i'm sure Chance wants me dead
him and all his friends
are tired of me
but he only wants his way
on his own terms.
 Aug 2013 explorereality
Redshift
over scrambled eggs and toast at 4am
i have realized suddenly
that i miss the red dirt of africa
in my hair
making my eyes scratch
and my skin
gritty.

and that i miss
marvin
...*******.
if that little boy
isn't ok
then nothing
is
marvin's my baby. he's one of the street kids in kivulu slums. last i knew someone was taking care of him....lord, keep him safe. he hugged me so tight when i left uncle robert's house. he's only eight.
 Aug 2013 explorereality
Redshift
slip into the numb embrace
of the little white pill
that puts your brain to sleep.

littlered is so bent
a bicycle doctor couldn't figure her out.

sliding into bathwater
is nice
until your
head goes under
and you never
come
back
up
 Aug 2013 explorereality
Redshift
put my heavy head
to bed
too full of thoughts.
i'll have
too many dreams
they'll wake me up
and even though my eyes
will want so much
to close
i will pry them open
because i am
afraid
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