Something in my throat made my unspoken words shake.
And something in between every aching memory made the lights seem like at any moment,
They would break.

The floorboards creaked with every step of my timid feet,
As the shattered glass dove in deeper and deeper,
Like it was pouring from the stained and sagging ceiling above me.
And as it opened up the scars that had just barely finished healing,
My skin screamed with pain and panic until the tears didn't want to fall,
But they did.
I could feel the sum of my strength weakening
As the first teardrop fell from my face
And landed on the ground with a vibrant shatter.
Then the tears fell like frantically racing raindrops
On a cold and stormy day.
And as they despairingly drained from me,
So did my strength.
And yet,
I thought it was all so beautiful.

But as the newly awakened wounds opened up wider and wider,
I could hear my heart howling in agony,
Hiding all alone in its quiet room.
I tried to give it something for the pain
But it just screamed louder.
So I tried to comfort it
But it just went back to hating me again.
"Tell me when you think it was that
We became so unhappy,
So hopeless,
So vulnerable;
Sleeping out of sync
With our dreams utterly
Severed and estranged?
Tell me,
How do we fix it?"

The constant weight of
Hope versus practicality.
I never minded it always blaming me for its mistakes,
I just made sure that I always held it
Close enough
And tight enough
During every single earthquake.
But no one is going to fix it for us,
Because no one can.
There's no one else,
There's never been.
It's just us two.
And we're not even two,
We're really just one.
And that's when things start to feel
Especially lonely.
But maybe it will all cease when I stop living my life
Staring into the barrel of a gun.

But maybe,
We're really just one.
Only one.
No one else,
No one else but me and my hardening heart,
Never apart.
Only one.
*Just me,
And my lovely counterpart.

He built houses out of
Tiny twigs
Along the etched lines
On the palms of his
Rugged hands
To give me somewhere
To call home again

They say most things are better,
When shared with another.
Well,
No one else comes to mind when I think of
The ideal and only person
I would be willing to share
All of my love with.
All of my life
My joy
My sorrow
My everything.
He* is the ultimate answer
Love is the ultimate answer
He and love
They are the same
And they are
Everywhere
In everything
In every ounce of my boiling blood
And every fraction
Of every fiber
In my timid being.

He is overwhelming
In the same way in which it feels
To be in a beautiful foreign country
For the first time
He is addicting
Like the first three
(And next four)
Cigarettes you smoke
After telling everyone you have quit
He is irresistible
Just like that
One certain scent
The one that always brings
A flashflood of memories
And feelings
And beauty
And safety
Back up to surface until
Every inch of your skin
Is tingling
With raw sensation
A thirst explodes out of
the deepest part of you
As it brings you back
To the very last time you ever
felt something so special
Which is exactly the reason
You will do anything in your will
To get
One more lungful
Just to bring you back
To that beautifully indescribable place
One more time

He crocheted me with kisses
And wooed me with words
Penetrating the years of fear and hurt
Built like a fortress around my heart
And sending every nerve in my body
Into a ****** tangent.
Under the right light,
It's as if I am adorned
With flowers
**Because of him.

Before meeting him,
There was a feeling that
Dominated my being
To the point that
At times,
It was crippling.
It was a feeling that constantly tugged at
The outer parts of my insides,
Always making its presence known
In the most abominable of ways.
It was a feeling that made me feel
As if I was missing someone,
Something,
So much
That it was like I was missing
A part of myself.
Like somewhere down the road,
I misplaced a very important,
Very special,
Part of me.
And then
There was this feeling in my gut
That told me I had to do
Whatever it took to get it back,
Whatever it was.
It was a feeling that made me believe
That the one thing I truly needed was
Somewhere out there,
Hiding behind some stunningly tragic
And beautifully flawed
Perfection of this mind-numbing
Human reality.

And it was,
I found it in him.

My head was rested on your chest
Your fingers intertwined in mine
Everything seemed normal again
But we were far from it
You weren't mine and I wasn't yours
We talked for hours
It was so hard to be that close to you but still know
That I did not have you
I wanted you to be mine again
I wanted the world to make sense again

You knew it would be my last moment there
You walked me out and kissed me goodbye
I didn't want to believe that this was going to be my
Last time kissing you
I got in my car and drove away
I drove away for the last time

Standing there
Staring down at myself
I wonder
Would one consider
Me a
Victim
or a
Valiant?

I am flesh
I am bones
I am mania
I am melancholy
I am madness

My clouded reflection eyes me
Like it is analyzing
My every twitch
Trying to decide if
I am a victim of this
Or maybe if it is a victim
That I have saved
It can see that I am dependent
(I depend on the pills
To make a difference)

I stare into blank eyes
A sober face
I touch my rippling reflection
Like I could actually feel it
For what it is
In its true essence
All it does is
Disappear

I look at myself
And wonder
Who took it
And took it from me
In silence
Until I had given it
All away
And silence
Was all I had left?

The surface calms
I can see my face again
My eyes look glossy
Like I am
Somewhere else
(I am)
In the dark mirror
A woman is trying to
Make waves with her legs
No, she is just
Passing by
Am I a victim
To this travesty
I am unintentionally
A part of?
Or am I a hero
Because I have managed
To conquer it
Before it could
Fill me up
And sink me down
Until I
*Disappeared forever?