One thing I have noticed about myself
Is that the person I am at the given moment
Is a true and honest reflection of what I feel like inside
I act differently
I think differently
I feel differently
I dress differently
I react differently
All depending on who I am and
What I am experiencing internally
At that point in my life

I think this is one reason I struggle with joy
When I think about it
Small and fleeting moments of joy
Are full of such immaculate beauty and tugging nostalgia
They're enticing
(Especially when you spend most of your time feeling sad and lost )
But that tends to change when you have a lot of those moments
And then when those moments happen more and more frequently
They start to become a normal part of your every day life
Until joy is something you are used to
And you struggle to find something to make you feel so intimately
Something that pierces the deepest part of your soul
Something that is unbearably painful but so magnificently beautiful
Just like all of those days you were so sad
But your joy is your sorrow unmasked
One cannot survive without the other
They coexist

So when the jar labeled, "Joy & Sorrow" is full
Filled all the way up to the brim with this Joy
There is no room for any Sorrow to join in
And with too much Joy and not enough Sorrow
Things are surely going to start feeling a little bit suspicious
And maybe even bland
So what do you do?
Do you just go on struggling with joy?
I wish I knew
I wish I knew

Throughout my entire life
I've constantly thirsted for approval
From those whom I love and admire
And at different stages
It was different kinds of approval
But all the while
I was always on a quest for some form of it

I think it's more of a
My first priority is to make sure you are satisfied
And if you are not
What can I do to make it so that you are content?
Because for as long as I can remember
I have always put other people's happiness before my own
And still, other's needs before my own
I've never known how to say "No" when something is asked of me
I guess a part of it is a desperate hope that sings
If I am willing to do it for someone else, someone else would surely be willing to do it for me
But most of the time that is not the case
I am always giving people
Every single person I come into contact with
The benefit of the doubt
And a lot of times I shortchange myself because of it
So I guess I need to start reminding myself
That I don't need to hold on to anyone who can't
Or won't
Have me
And I don't need to reach out to people
Who never reach out to me
I don't need to drag my feet or my heart or my body
Through glass and destruction
For anyone

Because people are not prizes
And love is not a journey's end

But most importantly
I shouldn't ever be just another milestone
Crossed off someone's list

I should be a heartbeat
A phenomenon
An endless flame

This is a tale of two lovers
The sun and the moon
They laughed by the day
And loved by the night

In tune
Always there
Meticulously and beautifully doing as they do
In perfect harmony
Each
An inspiration to the other
And even so
Falling more and more in love
Each day

For it was the sun who loved the moon so much
She died every night to let him glow
And it was the moon who loved the sun so much
He died every morning to let her breathe

So tell me
What do you think is more beautiful
The way the moon lets the sun shine
Throughout the day
Or how the sun lets the moon glimmer
At night

You look at her and think about how she always stares at you with the same eyes
Like she knows something that you don't
Maybe even something you will never know
She has the kind of smile that says
"You don't know me
And you never will"
And it drives you crazy
Makes you feel like squeezing the sides of your head so tight
It eventually snaps under the pressure and evaporates
Into the air surrounding it
Soaring through the physical universe
Until it becomes another entity
So you have no other choice than to love her
How could you not?
But maybe she is just one of those things that looks so sweet and desirable
Until you have it
And you're stuck wondering
Why did I ever want this as much as I did
One of those things where the build up is intense and captivating and you fall in love with the chase until you're let down once you finally get there
But she is too much right now
Much too enticing
Much too alluring
And the thought of having her
Might mean knowing her deepest parts
And keeps you latched on
The mere thought of having her all to yourself
To think if she loved you as much as you love her!
It's addicting
It is too much
And you can't stop
And you can't pull away
And it hurts a little more each day
Because more and more
You feel her pulling away

She is one of those people who lets you get close to her
But ends up hurting you as she tears herself completely off of you
For she always has to disappear
Fade away
And she might reappear
But it will never be the same
And you will never be the same
And she will always be there
Slowly
But surely
Poking away in your mind
Until her memory is hard ingrained into its walls
And you can never forget her
Not even if you tried