you know the days
the ones where you regret
every stupid thing you’ve ever done

look back over your shoulder
wistful at wisps wilted and slipped
through numbly fumbling fingers

while you were busy tightening
your heavy cloak of unlovability
the love you longed got stuck inside
the mirror of nonsensical symmetry

we are like children
inexperienced and naive
never taught how to handle
snow globes brimming with God

disagreeing over methodologies
to get it across the finish line
self-righteously wronging
from craves crumbled
to do it right

because it’s Us in there
enshrined in white orbitals
frosted characters waiting
for whirls to still
so they can be seen
on collapsed knees

opening
to the same page
at the same line

unshattered

today
is one of those

if my writing is getting worse
or if I’m just trying less
to make it good

either way, it’s OK
it doesn’t need to be
anything

other than

smoke signs for other
caged reflections to breathe
transitory fragments branding screen
that felt fleeting happened indeed

and for a moment
this was me

without friendship
we have nothing

no substrate sustainable
nest on fire fallout

we play with matches
kindling tilt hips
but these skins chill
so fast

in the absence
of underlying structure:

woodpyre pyramid ascent
pointing at blackdrop
where fractured lights
dance against

contorting shadowsong
upon crooked wings

my tongue
could strip you bare

the way the doorslam
and sound of my steps
dissipating

seem to
so effectively

when the unbreathable
dark hole

I lose myself in

turns out to be a pocket
on iridescent disco pants

inside of me
because

you were already
there

fathoms
deep

riding warm wind
inside-out outside-in
mouth christenings

lost and found
inventory on skin

remembering who
forgetting where
I am

your eyes unbind
and tie

penetrating unsaids

I hear they opened
a **** recycling facility

right next door
to the ***** store

apparently
**** can be reprocessed
manufactured and molded
into most durable caliber
of ***** ever

***** that bend
but never snap

***** that pull
but don't shove back

***** that give
for evermore

rapping
(articulately, symmetrically)
across adjacent chamber doors
flung off rust hinges
obliterated ornamental remnants
upon electric yellow sidewalk
chalked with stardust parallels
thresheld holding, walked over
most excellent righteous ride
corset finger writhe
on Other side

(evidently ******* is most valuable
as it’s so transparent and malleable)

I know a bit about
learning to dance in the rain
like nobody is watching
but...

I know way more about
dancing like a *****
in the kitchen

despite the warden
standing aghast
eating up his own
billowy firebreath
soliloquy reprimands

I earbud block
shimmy, pivot and pop
raising vibration tornado
toss it a flippant middle
and cheeky smile
without breaking stride

devil dismayed
lips keep on syncing
as if I can hear demeaning
demonic procession

but I already know
what he’s saying

stop dancing like that
in front of our son

you mean…

to the beat of my own pulse
shaking divine creation
diffusing rainbow throes
undulating radiant orbitals
all for my own blissing?

one day that boy
will be a man
who knows

better

than to ever
call a goddess

a ***** in the kitchen

so many days
gravity got me
spooning the faux
cold linoleum wood
bent knees
the only thing
to hug

no words exist
in my lightless depths
drowning arctic
undertow

can't even try to fight
gulp mouth inviting
my own death

pouring cement
on icicle feet
layer upon layer
frozen quicksand

and then
I let go
and sink

begging the gods
to end it forever
but they don't

at the end
thread, bare
hitting bottom
ocean cavern floor

...

that's where
I lived for months
after I ate my tongue
despite surface shimmers

I'm just pro @
snatching crystalline
as it passes over
a frozen abscess

bindings beg to be pulled
from glyph-gorged stacks
to temp risen laps
finger grasped
spreading pages

indecisive craves
begat overdue fines
so many times
for lackluster endings
and characters not
worth the crack

so many stories
heroes and heroines
man vs. mechanisms
(of mind)

these rising acts
will parachute down
into denouement nets

but our parallel strands
have already been sewn
in galactic hammock

and I know we both
just know

there will
never ever be
another story
as wild and mystical
combusting magical
as how
we

came
into being

only timelapsed
soulvolution will tell
if we get happy endings
on repeat

get to spin our tell-worthy yarn
to a sea of wide-eyed disbelief:

heartstart firecracks
luminous on India ink black
unlikely alchemy everclear
writ by hands parallel

on the most
pivotal

night of my life

when you pull away
I hope you breathe
in fertile space
birthing trueyou

however I know
your patterns now:

when it gets hard, you
often coat confusion
rage and anguish
in diversion skin

grabbing angels
(or lost souls)
obscuring view

I may be obtuse
but you upperhand
with blinders

though I like to think
you're going full lotus
you may just be
escapist frolicking
in the park

do what you got to
open all the doors
that beckon you

I did
and will

(when the U co-signs)

their insides brim
invitations to
lessons or
blissings

walk with honor
next to them

just don't forget
the who you knew
beyond skin

the one you love and resist
for the same reason

prismatic eyeing
searing through
Grade A hiding

new school gypsy
alpha span omega
altared fēniks uprising

every day
I don't pretend
it's not happening

every bruise
I'll never hide
again

every eardrum
not slit
shrill venomous
psychward razors

every day
not backed
into a corner
not choked

every time
I don't wonder
if I'll come to again
as limbs go limp
fading conscious
into black

every chance
for my greatest gift
not to end up like
my biggest mistake

every time
he greets the family
he'd never known

every day
I awake
to possibility
reunited family
rekindled friendships

every reclaimed moment
every shot at bliss
every joytear

is because

of
you

daring to flirt inside
messy, imperfect lines

catalyzing jumpstart
to the rest
of this

precious life

no matter
what happens
wherever you go
whatever you choose

I'll always see some cape
creeping out from under
your blackflak collar

it wasn't your honey
that got me

nor was it
your smolder

they may be
most dimpliest lines
but what shook me
from numb to sprung
violent stripping
my own *******
what woke me
from prison slumber
was

your dent fingers
shaking crimson

still
reaching

strife gone strive
leaning into lightbloom
curled in a corner
dim pulse knocking

how in the center
of rage-iced pain
tornado torn lone
you felt it

reflecting my own
pushpull oblong halo

still
orbiting

even our fuckits and flails
have aftertaste
of skies slid

how ever much mad I had
was only to surmount
treacherous Everest
of sad

my legit fist?
not kissed
not allowed for
not bloomed

and you want me
to peddle sunshine...

we need real talk
real friendship
real space
to heal
to grow

we both
need to learn
how to unscorch ground
spawn our own groves
of shimmersun

or else handsheld
turn quickly
to fingers slipped

beggars starved
with empty cups
nothing to pour from

you can't build a palace
on top of a landfill
without first

cleaning up

release
unyou

and feel me?

because
sometimes

I swear
I can feel you

alight

in front
of me

awesome warm
eerieetheraura

out of
nowhere

still

it's my favorite kind
of creepy

about being vulnerable af
in sporadic catapults
over barricade top

or

just
maybe

Dare Greatly
like Brené

I decorated her
with 100+ Post-its
trying to light
a line into my
bloodstream
from the outside

she says blame
is outward face
of shame

that feeling responsible
for ******* up
triggers so much
suffocating heavy
worthlessness
conjoined to past
we push it back
on someone else
as reflex

it's hard to be
in the V

all alone

broken finger reach
ledge slipping
bone crushed cold feet

your rambling self
echoing hollow

((( ... )))

you're not there
yet

but I know
you can be

you got this

when seeking truth
excavating sediment
and scanning density
of walls, walls, walls

we bucket and label
divide and ostracize
our grace felled

truth bubbles over
inside a *** of paradox
brimming with inconsistent
opposites

we force ourselves to separate
the mutually unexclusive

cutting the real
with ors

but the crux of true
lies inside the ands

real and surreal
easy and difficult
illuminating and confusing
painful and healing
beautiful and ugly
lost and found
utterly imperfect and
unparalleled perfection
never ready and
ever equipped

for

utmost exhilarating
and wholly frightening

outside of myself
by the tongue
into his mouth

and now
I don't know how
to get out

or if
I want to

satin slats
plumped slick
sepal pearls
Elysium entreats
welcoming warm

rocking on this swing again
where I crept into the moon
so many nights with
and without you

twirling tongue spells
whispering kisses on the wind

I sat in blackness
sky light communion
praying begging manifestivals
for just the slightest uplift
in your shadowed lids
to peep ignite

while you steeped in other brew
as if I could pry you
from your own entrapments

you employ them
in places you won't let me
because you're scared
to open your hand
fully

dailies distract the knowing
and warm your frigid sheets
then you wonder why
there's no space
for we

I know I'm Sunday mornings
flung swift at your door
requiring all your insides
from turned-out pockets

but I'm also
high-gloss, full-color
edge-of-your-seat
content symph in inter-D
and every last **** one
of the funnies

plus those coupons in the middle
to places you've never been
they kick back everything
you've thrown in
10,000 folds

uncreasing dewy
unto you

this is undoubtedly
the spun cycle

I could practically
pen a calendar
of our seasons

marked holidays
and monthly art
animating image-flips
from shimmer grins sprung
gone grinchupsidedown

imagining voiceover
as replays unfold

I'm too much
think too much
feel too much
seen too much

there's too much
wrong

encased, lowered
sealed, oxygen-devoid
decomposing underground
dunno if I'll ever be
my oddnormal alive
again

last night I didn't eat enough
drank too much, but still
not enough
to numb this chasm
climbing on feet cracked
trying to ascend
my insides

last night I cried
in my brother's arms
shaking infantile
held close - yet
lonely still

the kind of lonely
that only sets in
after you forget
what it's like
to feel

when the trauma unit
becomes your domicile
for years on years on years

you can't even know
how ****** up you are
all comparisons lost
perpetually swept under
survival mode rug

he told me
I'm not ready

for anyone

proceeded to confess he's
writing a letter to the girl he
fell in love with ten years ago

to unburden his chest
attempt a closure
or maybe crack
back open

they had a thing
it was too much

unexpected
unerasable
haunting

love discovered
then abandoned

the day after she left
he hooked up
with his son's mother
for the first time
to escape the pain

entangling himself
in surface motions
for the better part
of a decade

too much
is there still
the connection
never severed
red strings
still tied

...

I want friendship, but maybe
that's asking too much

after making love
breaking apart, gluing back
only to shatter again
without even so much
as one pillowtalktouch

yet that, says something
so strange and rare
unto itself

...

but when your mouth shuts
my brain snorts questions marking
volatile heartstops and starts

I don't wanna be
writing a letter in 10
(or would it be 8 now?)
to shut thresheld door
never walked through

I want to know real hello
if only to get

real
goodbye

retire these lines
(hypothetically)
to open bare arms

without
fresh residue of you
emanating cold bone crush
without
searching for your diamond slivers
in another set of eyes

if I know one thing
for absolutelyfuckingsure it's:
these skeletons of truth
will keep on rattling
behind closed doors
even when we'd rather

our remains
be still

underneath white walled parallels
the steel beam cemented in block

I think

is if we fail us
in 3D actuality

we stand not even
one oblique chance
with other elses
ever

start thinking it best
to hedge on those bets
table the looming
beyond believables

just to keep cracked
the door to possibility
of extraordinary love

to not strikethrough
reveries pristine
of one day being
lit perpetually

I ****** you dry
even when you were wrong
self-righteously

even when your words
snatched the fray
of my wind-whipped
stained white skirt
and reeled me into
the wood chipper

I wanted to choke
on every grain
of your black salt

relish and smother
in the undiluted flavor

and I savored

every last
bitter bit

this is the part
where my ragged hope
and intermittent rage

give way

to mouth overrun
flooding pain

my head conversations
aren't largely solitude
but opposite you

bet I get your lines wrong often
and brow angles skewed

but we have mad fun
(most of the time)

teetering off the edge
into the unknown

in air-gasping hysterical fits

until we catch
each other's breath
curling up inside
unflinching eyes

cradling
star suicide

matching wristlets
carved with capitals
of other...

but under scarmantle
flow fathomless
immortal sprawls

exclamation
shaken cores

churning metallic
until forged

and you go all wahwah
Peanuts grownups

then fall
decomposes me
your lips always twisted
in silken wilting

just one petal adrift
detonates memorial landmines
impaling me permeable

with depthtruthfelt

hands held
for spring

waters run
down the center
slice opening

droplet forming
flow between
edges skimming

tracing vinyl
you pull music
from me

dervish spun
attuning frequency

torpedoing gravity
shredding the air
increasing rumble roars
through pits of me

defying gauzy grey
cold wet blankets
shivering dim
and then

the sun

cosmic pyre
radial aglow

we harpoon myst
as clouded ceiling morphs
into billowy cotton net
beaconing warmth

apprehension subsides
into eyes wide wonder

all frosted baby blue
and expansive roads
from here

can't succumb
to turbulent thrums
breathe on through

'cause I wanna
be the view

mile-high throb
direct to home

washing over me
icy hot chills roll
crackling energy

the second I start to
really believe

you feel the things
like the ones
that possess me

the hum surrenders me
to rendering
dreams

keep inking yourself
one day you'll pop off pages
imaginings live

disbelief suspends
as third eye arrhythmia
drum circles forehead

sacred silence eats
arisen shine for breakfast
manifest-side up

like clockwork
metronome headboard
tapping the wall from below

sometimes it wakes me
others I'm already up
with weird energy peaks
in the middle of the night
can't go back to sleep...

not only because
I know what they look like

it's the exact same
every. single. time.

I get a little happy for them
when they're about to ***

but kinda wanna be like,
don't you know any other songs?!

Sitting in my car, steeping in misery.
At the end of another lonely lunch.
Playing on my phone, I saw you.

I’m not sure what happened precisely then,
that made me hold out my hand so boldly.
Only, a feeling washing over me.
That I was losing you.
Your interest, maybe.

Even though I was still trying to deny,
the pull and the see from the get-go,
I knew. Under the push and doubt,
I liked you. And your interest in me.
Skirting along the lines of PC.

I knew when you posted that video.
Some girl shimmy-shaking. Not very well.
Oh, the curves...

I wanted you to verb mine.

Walked past her on the stage in my mind.
Decked-out in dakini tribal,
making it rain.

In your lap.

Every part of my life was hell then.
And anytime you said anything,
chills up the spine.
Alive.

I was immune that day.
High as a kite, yet without a clue,
how much higher we would be,
in just a few hours.

And when I left to drive home,
the exact second I turned my car on,
began the lyrics of an acoustic song I love.
And had never heard on the radio before.

I found a line and then it grew
I found myself still thinking of you
I felt so empty and now I'm fine
but still it's burning when will you be mine

Sometimes I wonder,
if I hadn’t left exactly then,
if I hadn’t heard that specific song,
keyed up at just the right time…

Maybe I wouldn’t have been even bolder.
Maybe we wouldn’t have ascended,
hand-in-hand into the stratosphere,
shotgunning pineal heartstrum.

I deleted our conversation history,
when he found my poetry page.
Not to deny it, but to save it from him.
Keep him from tainting it.
Not one sacred character.

But I remember most of it.

That’s the thing:
I remember you, as if,
part of you continues to exist,
inside of me.

*do you remember all the songs that I have wrote for you?
all the songs that I have wrote for you...

into bare
I scan surrounding

it's all headthrob
fog veneer

but I trust
diamond moments
more than I

open palms to this
thunder pulse of now

squinting eyes at current
as it drowns ideals
of yesterknown

skeptic, disrobe
mystic, throne

I trek the flickers
wherever they
may glow

righter
written down

all my weathery
carousel personalities
get a spin at the roulette

pen pushing chorus
into distillation

dipping 10,000 toes
into spectrumland
while I feign motions
on the outside

paper refuge
breathing trees
play with me

out there surfing
glowstick rainbow rings
in this bizarrebeyond
custom branded atmosphere
that only I could breathe

until we dropped
formality

and for some strange reason
felt free to be all of me
you jumped on board
not skewing my orbit

and all the members
of my lonely hearts club
ascended the stairs
to get a good look
at this kindred enigma
twin lucid in the sky

they pushed me forward
when feet fumbled

they wanna break free
architect realities over
trace-paper dreams

wordarts n' crafts
changetheworld dates

they wanna sit
next to your troupe
silently

gaze into open
continuum siphon
where words cannot go

exhale in sync
eternally

'cause behind mâché
is already seen

startle cracks
and curtain calls
my eyelids back

diaphanous dropped
and veils up
dewy bloom spotlit

monkeysuit chauffeur
denigrated daily
scratch behind his ears
you're doing OK
just mistook
vehicle for passenger

relax in seat back
let clear and present ever
steer biospheric lit

allow etheric hum
up the bony ladder
to outlook attic
bindi blinds lift

pretty *******'
46-bit binoculars
these holy puppet
hands have got

at the navel
part me
with your tongue

lickstrip the human
until primal claws
my soul undone

a shuddering peak
of milky peach
carnal prowess
rippling beats thru me

marking territory
in teeth and cream

latching onto
every inch
of salted slick
tentacle binding
your swell
into my
deep

I drink
your being
coming
raw

shaking thighs exorcise
leaking all I'm not
in glisten streaks

we pry
the edges
and escape
our bones

worlds parting
at ripe lips

surrender me
in drip glitch haven
where your every
eye roll, ****
and murmur

sends me further
than I ever
knew

I could go

I’ve always had a thing
for strange, dark men

it started at Jareth’s glam teased mullet,
winged eyeliner, magic dance moves,
smooth af tights and goth orb raving

no ******* wonder
I ended up with the Goblin King
trying to take my baby away
locking me in mazes

just fear me, love me, do as I say…

and when that chilly November
shook me awake
finally

the words I kept tasting
over and over
on my thawing lips:

*you have no power over me

TLDR

Posted up on a bar stool, I noticed the instant he walked in.
Blue eyes beckoning. I was listening. Hard.

Liquidly courageous, delightfully obscure and entertaining,
I bewitched him in conversation.
Filled his empty pint with my pitcher of Yuengling.
Stealing and donning his sweaty hat.
He had just finished art school.
I was studying journalism.

He kept finding reasons to touch me.
Blocking me from human traffic.
Keeping me close and safe physically.
At one point, some drunken, oblivious, d-bag tried to holler.
He moved between, cockblocking.
Unwavering in eye contact and speech with me.
I can’t remember what we talked about, only how it felt.

He got my number, and we stayed until the bar closed.
And as all the carbon contents poured into the back alley,
he grabbed my hand.
I remember the sweat and energy on his slender fingers.
He was pushing past palpable trepidation.
And in the midst of a hundred swarming,
he yanked my hand toward him and kissed me.
People started cheering.
It was perfect.

Except, I freaked.
Froze. Stopped breathing.
Pulled away as far as his hand would allow.
He reeled me back in for another try.
When I brushed his lips, the panic devoured.
So I pulled away harder, breaking free from his fingers.
Fleeing, scurrying through a sea of drunken bodies.
I shimmied like a silver lure dangling in his face.
Then shot him the-****-down. Twice.
Instinctively.

He never called me. But pocket-dialed me the next day.
Left an unintended voicemail. Heard him bemoaning, *I felt SO stupid…
Called him back a few minutes later. Didn’t leave a message.
I could have called again. I didn’t. Ever.

I thought about him every day for months,
inspiring one of my better poems of that era:
A Roller Coaster Ride Ending in Derailment.
Years later, I friended him on MySpace, sent a generic message.
He didn’t recognize me. And I never said anything.
Like a ******* coward.

How is it possible to excitedly charge in a cardinal direction,
only to smack abruptly into:
I-gotta-get-the-****-outta-here-NOWWWW?!

I’ve had a little time, say 14 years,
to reflect on what made me me run,
and I think it was this:
as soon as he was facing me,
with unadulterated adoration,
all I could feel was terrified and ugly.
It was so good. Far too good for me.

I was afraid. Afraid he would eventually see.
That I was hideous. He wouldn’t want the real me.
I didn’t think I could live up to the look in his eyes.
When he saw I was only a spunky, confident model on the cover,
and an insecure shitshow amidst contents inside, he would leave.
A fragile little girl so afraid she is unlovable, unworthy, ugly.
When he saw how uncomfortable I could be in my own skin,
he would let go.
I didn’t like me, so why the **** should he?
I ran from connection that night, after tilling it for hours.
Hauling *** with windows down,
I slammed the brakes and careened. End scene.
He reeked of bliss and impending heartbreak.
So I abandoned him before he could leave.

I’m frightened of anyone who truly stirs me.
It makes me feel big, scary feelings. They straitjacket hug me.
Skewing all my outward signals. I come off standoffish.
Pushing away the very thing I want and need.
I’m not good at expressing intense feelings in real time.
Except in ink. And bed.

I get locked up inside. Feels like I’m gonna die.
A fight-or-flight ignition by erroneous head triggers.
I project my unlovable feelings onto others,
in the face of blatant evidence to the contrary.

I’ve done LTRs, just not with the required equipment.
I know the gears are sabotaged out the gate,
but I go for it anyway. It’s safe (or so it seems). And empty.
I crave intimacy, but I’m terrified of showing up entirely.
In front of someone with eyes that can see.
I quickly sense who is capable of meeting me,
and thoroughly **** it up for myself,
by not feeling free. Not authentic. Not open. Hiding.
Editing. Hot fish, cold fish. Rotating masks. Blockades. Running.
Constantly scanning the environment for signs of rejection,
that I’m not enough, indeed. To validate my own self-worthlessness.
I wanna be right.
I’ve only done long terms where I can remain alone, bored and/or dead.
No real intimacy. No full disclosure. No BAMF duo status.
No seeing to the back of each other’s skulls.
No blasting through the cosmos.

I freeze and evade in the face of what I crave.
Shunning delicious plates I’ve just ordered and ravenously drooled over.
I have more examples, but this is the most concise and blatant...

Except, this one time:

I told my gut to shut the **** up,
while I cosigned utter inner *******.
Denied the eyes of my own soul,
as it floated into my periphery.
It took all of my focus just to breathe.

He didn’t turn around,
just looked over his shoulder.
At me. Up, then down.
And drifted away.
Electrocuting my cosmic antennae.
Leaving me reeling. Still tingling.

I almost called your name,
but doubt surrounded fear mountain.
Plus, I thought I was jus straight trippin, err, trollin.
Going crazy. Weaving my own alteration atop reality.
Pretty pro @ that yuh know...

We push and pull and run and chase,
because it feels safer pursuing what’s out of reach.
Until it turns around.
Or looks over its shoulder...

With eyes that can see.

if and when
we’re in a space
screaming fuckyesicandothis
face-to-face

expectations shall be level-set
at (or below) exploratory, bizarre
mutual muse meanderings

and if ever
we find ourselves wrapped
around each other’s necks
each baring half
of one cracked, flaming heart

we will know without a doubt
what is and isn’t possible

I’m not looking to force a relationship
just someone to ride shotgun
on my mental trips
and yes, I am driving the spaceship...

and if that becomes
best ride ever
just know

the thing I’ve always wanted
is a best friend

I can’t keep my hands off of

I have zero concerns
about Part B

and Part A alone
is no consolation prize

I want you in my life
no matter what we are

even if just symbiotes
like now...

;)

this ward is depressing
it suffocates me

familiar patients shuffling
but I keep to myself, mostly

this whole town is a dive
splayed out aside aquamarine
that I drive down **** near
every. single. morning.

maybe I just need
to be closer to the waves

they wash me best
in flecked inky blackness

like the first time
I made love

to the stars

to be corona flares

just
see me

that makes
me glow

and your reflection
visible

on the darkest of nights

in moments

where now transcends
inner *******

and we tremble
with life

the moon
rises me

I'm more home

locking eyes
with you

than anywhere
on Earth

to bring your everything
into this charred coal vortex
whirring as we walk through

don't leave behind
one sliver of a shard oxidized
rusted wretches inclusive

bring it all
and toss it in

we'll corset fingers
as our debris mingles
cylindrically

we can't shake
these shambles

but we can
sling it into orbit
rearranging, alleviating
the weight

holding is so heavy

especially
the shame

if high contrast
juxtaposed

equals equilibrium seesawed

like our yin and yang
69 the ****

into each other

balancing
complementary

perhaps not
but finding out

would be an awfully
big adventure