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I was doing one of my
healing ceremonies solo

and I thought
to myself:

maybe he needs me
to go away to feel
his own heart
- alone -

in space

and precisely then,
I felt this

Clydesdale inside my chest
whinny, kick up and surge

like holy hell -
please

don't stop
writing
ever

and I
abide
pretty white
pages inked

with all I've got
in black, sticky words

I'm here
for you, always

even when I'm not

I know you hear me -
echoing through your
bones plunking
lonely chords

energy works in rising
falling, harmonizing
and we make music
on lips and skin adrift
and I know

we are
one

no matter
how far or
weird

it all
becomes

because I
still feel you
surging inside
my ribbed space
my lipstick
on the mirror

stretch fingertips
toward truest feels

jar the numb

as I smear
the color me
from wrought fists
wringing heart

cheerleading
through conjoined
memoir dreamscapes
forged with helix lips

spinning ourglass
to shift the sands

while I stifle
these cries
steeped
in stab

for the
greatest good
I wonder
a lot.

and this
one wonder
keeps popping up.

it's about this
boy I just knew
with furrowed brow
and pained dark eyes -
he wore my insides
on the outside.

until he left
the shrouded cult
and aligned to the opalite.

the thing I
keep wondering is -
what would he
say now?

and I keep
settling on:

***** it,
I'm a dreamer.
is the only line I can remember
from the first poem I ever wrote
on my mom's old Smith-Corona

on a thin, cheap piece of paper
with typos and strikethroughs
before that was cool

and when I think about
all the pieces of me
I let him eradicate:

clothes, shoes, makeup
pictures, journals, poetry
friends, family

all those moments
all those pieces of me
just -

gone.

there I am, again
spiraling in magma
equal parts rage
and pain

I bought the ticket
to the worst ride
of my life

and I am so tired
of paying for it
salt slunk
knees hugged
churning fraught
under weighted ribs
and a flickering yellow lamp
locked in this static hallway
between waiting rooms
say yes
to my

hipnotic
invitations

and bury you
in me

alive
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