I wish
I could give you
experiences of mine:
the paranoia
outside my apartment
looking over my shoulder
scanning for the energy
I felt on me
the guilt
sinking in my gut
the moment laughter
escaped my mouth
on the tails of hell
and I swear
I felt shatter
and that time on the beach...
so many strange happenings
my energy was off the charts
though so confused, and it's safe to say
I'm still processing the karmic details
converging upon that crux of fate
but, most of all
I’d like to show you
the aftermath of my
kundalini intro
how knowing
what is possible
never went away
although he fell away
(to the tune of, I love you -
but like my little sister)
into the arms of a co-worker
after I helped him get hired
I got a front-row seat
to watch him fall in love
with the girl he'd marry
my intermissions
were in the bathroom
churning tears out quick
then plastering on a veneer
of I-don’t-care
my heartbreak was knowing
that I went there solo
and to him it was just
a good lay, disposable
I was in love
alone
with how I let go and opened
not hiding anything
because my intent to love
was absolutely pure
for the first time
his wasn't
after that I longed
to connect to the whole
in the arms of another
but it never came
not like that
not soul activation
not seeing the all as brethren
and my heart of compassion
reaching out to everyone
no judgment
just love
maybe I had
traces of magic
but mostly just
caring closeness
cloaking the lonely
flesh and bones
but God
wasn’t there
can't say I didn't enjoy
some of it, but my soul...
my soul always knew
always left hungry
not overflowing
until you
and I found out
it can happen
without knowing
without touching
without history
without building
much of anything
just these blueprints
already existing
reciprocity in seeing
intent so pure
and
words, words, words
the just-right ones
that pick soul locks
and fling doors ajar
not too hot, not too cold
that baby bear dose
I guess
the thing I'm trying to impart,
the reason I'm telling you this
is because I want you to know
I could never erase it
not after 15 years plus
not after the prettiest skins
not with substituting substances
for the real drug that is purest love
it was a gift
when the vivid memories
finally blurred into vague
but still,
the knowing, the hunger
never filled, never left
I wanted to
come home to God
but not like that, not alone
but with someone
riding shotgun...
and if you stumble across
that instant energy
again
you may just run swiftly
in the other direction, like I did
when I met someone
who reminded me of him
that night at the bar
same blue eyes
same major even
in hindsight,
I’m not sure if we had
instant connection, or I had
an instant memory and projection
then fled due to the pain
he awakened in me
the truth is -
the pain has to be dealt with
before we can let anyone in
who truly stirs our purity
and I’m fairly certain
it’s part of why I went cold
chilling our morning after
nebula explosions
and based on
the frequency of these things
I don't think there will ever be
another story quite like ours
where souls converged first
then imaginations merged
building a world upon
energy and dreams
no skin to be seen
there is - nothing -
more beautiful
than that
a winged thing, holy
undoubtedly worthy
of worship, out the gate
and I’m praying inside
to author on the outside
what I know is possible
if we do the work
and believe
stepping over
incinerated expectations
scaling serifed intentions
where real living, breathing
human possibility exists
upon grateful knees
for what has come and
whatever may be
in this cosmos of ours
that is truly
the rarest thing