Who do you think I live for
I hope you are not misguided, my love
to believe that I live for anyone but myself
that any show of joy or act of love I give you
I give for myself, not you
that I choose to be here

I hope you are not misguided, my love
to believe that I subscribe to anything
other than the pursuit of my own happiness
and that direction will change as I change

I hope you are not misguided, my love
to believe that I am imprisoned here with you
that there exists a promise beyond myself
that I will stay with you till the end of time
I am not but flesh and sinew, fragile bone
my hour is limited
I am no god to sign myself away
And I'll keep this soft shell of flesh
but as for time, I plan to give you mine

I hope you are not misguided, my love
to believe that my independence
will lead me to exist without you,
a stubborn persistence toward satisfaction
would lead me to your doorstep
time and time again

I hope you are not misguided, my love
to believe I have not considered a world without you
a world without my commitment to grow with you
a world without your kindness
for I have, thoroughly

I hope you are not misguided, my love
to believe I hold anything but gratitude for you
that the light in my eyes is not clearer because of your influence
that my heart is not lighter and fuller
that my days are not brighter and longer

I hope you are not misguided, my love
to believe that I would ever hesitate to say
I do

Sometimes I wish you could just be real,
When really, it has always been my responsibility
To see you.

Sometimes I just want,
And want, it's uncomfortable
And that's okay.
It's okay to be uncomfortable
To notice that there's more to me,
That there's more to do,
Work to be done.

Sometimes you tell me phrases,
And I reject them,
Throw them deep into your throat.
I'd rather that they burn
Than for them to reach my ears,
That I be responsible for your happiness.
For that, I'm sorry

Sometimes I couldn't see,
Past the haze of anger,
Of angst that I didn't understand.
The guilt I hadn't learned to accept,
The responsibility I needed to avoid.

Sometimes I'm glad,
I had you to hold us up,
To hold me above you
While I threw stones at your head.

Sometimes I wish,
You could see me now,
To know that I'm more
Than what I was.
That I'm capable of choosing
To never be the tower
By your side.

Sometimes I'm happy,
And sometimes I'm grateful.

I'm not funny, she says,
The twinkle in her eye
Sparks laughter throughout the room.
I'm really not, turning in frustration
The corners of her lips reach high.
Forcing them down, she swallows a sigh.
Sometimes she doesn't want to be happy,
But sometimes it can't be helped.

I am beautiful, and wonderful, and amazing.
I am strong, and loving, and worthy.
I am learning, and sometimes I won't be nice,
I won't please the people around me, or myself.
That's okay.

I know I won't always be satisfied.
I know that means I am capable of more.
That I am not perfect but,
I will strive for mastery.
That I will be known not for perfection,
But for drive and persistence
The focus on improvement.

I know that I choose to be alone.
Because I know what it is I am looking for,
I wish to grow to love a rock.
Not to fall fast and stop hard,
But to grow like ivy over barren walls
To become proud of those I choose to be around.

I choose to wait patiently,
To work toward my long term goal.
I choose, to put myself in the line of fire,
To challenge myself, that I will learn and become more powerful,
More loving than I've ever been before.

I'm always beating myself up,
My own worst enemy, or so it goes
I tell myself I find it hard to think myself as
****
So I started saying it all the time.
I named myself **** and so can't be anything but.
I had been so absorbed in calling myself
Lost, unmotivated, grouchy, and awful,
That I had forgotten how powerful my words are.

I often feel lost, unaccomplished, unfulfilled.
Someone said to me the other day
"You're intelligent, witty, and beautiful"
What more could one want in a relationship?
I've accomplished that much.
Another has said before,
"You're an extremely insightful person,
those same skills will lead you to be
Successful in all areas of your life."
She said this and it was printed and
laminated onto a wall for all to see.
Yet somehow I managed to brush it off.

Somehow I manage to forget my accomplishments.
Somehow I've become human, for shame.
So I'll remind myself, I'll remember what I've been told.
I am an intelligent, witty, beautiful and lovable person.
I am successful, I am thoughtful and put my energy where it matters most.
Most importantly, I am growing.

I made that commitment long ago.
I decided that stepping into junior high,
I would grow to become friendly,
And I did.
I decided that stepping into high school,
I would grow to become a learner,
And I did.
I decided that stepping out of university I would become self-reflective,
And I have.
I decided that stepping into my job I would become future oriented,
And I will.

I made this commitment,
I signed this contract because
I matter.
Because I love myself.
Because I deserve to be my own best friend
And to be happy
And to be loving.

Because I am intelligent
And witty
And beautiful.
Because I am successful
And I will learn every time I falter.
Because I am a loved and loving person.
Because I have achieved
The respect of those I love.
Most of all,
I am commited to myself,
And I am growing.

I'd rather like to stay with you.
To hear the breath inside your words
To know the fever, the heartbeat
Along the lines in your chest.
I'd like to stay there.

I hope you like it here
In this space where I build
Bridges across the gap,
And try to see with my eyes forward.

I don't always succeed.
I try again for me,
To see your words along the walls,
Along the lines that you draw,
To close gaps
And build bridges.
I try to see that you build bridges.

I try to see that you love me,
Like I hope you love me.
I think I need help with the knowing,
Because no beacon of light has lead me there,
No dots on the map have shown me the way.
For I fight myself.
I slash lines along the walls,
Cross mark the pages of words
That you wrote with a fever,
With your heart beating in your chest
And your breath falling along tattered sheets of paper.
And all I'll see is paper.

I'll burn this and try again,
For me.

He seems distracted, his lips tight.
Is everything okay, I ask.
He smiles and says it's just fine,
Then hurries off to the other room to grab his things.
Sitting on the bed, I got to thinking,
And the more I thought about it,
The more I realized that everything was going perfectly.
It was all going as it should,
It certainly couldn't be any better.
I smiled softly, a powerful peace filling my core.
He looked at me questioningly when he returned,
Quickly distracted by the task at hand.
He pulled the needle from my arm,
Replacing it with another IV.
Are you ready for your next round of chemotherapy Tiffany?
My heart flutters for a moment.
Yes, I am ready.