Evan Backward

Evan Backward Sep 2013

So what if there's nothing beyond the walls of
a garden.
A corn maze turned to stone by
Fear in excess.
But I'll walk along with you.
I can't hold your hand but
I have your heart,
And I'll walk past stalks and stumps
and march through long and twisted paths.
I'll touch each vine and breathe life into
Every flower.
And I lost you along the way,
But I keep breathing, and walking
Knowing that hearts are around in plenty
And I have flowers to give,
So long as I breathe deeply.

I went to live at the water's edge
And breathe my garden into
Salted air,
I went to sow my seeds in tides
And float my flowers in the rivers,
I went to breathe my pollen into every crack
and every winter stopped me.
But I know that knowing hearts are plenty,
And I have air to share,
Pollen to breathe.

The ivy grows on stony rock
Where I fostered it here,
And it takes time.
But I had you,
And I have them
So I breathe in deep and soak up the
Salty air.
The sharpness clears my mind
And the pollen soothes my soul.
So I collect my thoughts to grow here in my garden,
And take root in the hearts
That led me here.

Evan Backward Sep 2013

Levels and Tears**

I don't want to be depressed anymore.
The shoulds and woulds
All wrapped up in why did he
And how could she.
Eating slowly at the bonds I've formed
With people.
Human beings that are doing their best
But never good enough for me,
For perfection.
I'd rather be dead.

I don't want to be upset anymore
With the strangers on the bus
In their garb of business and ***
That they speak with boisterous joy
They should be considerate of me
And speak louder to drown out my thoughts.
Maybe I could drown them out on my own.

I want to be content
Because I want to do the dishes and use them
I want to ***** the floors and wash them again,
I want to see the beauty in a teapot and the joy in a
soft pillow
To see what it is to comfort a weathered soul.
I want to uphold routine.

I want to be happy
Because I love to feel alive
And I love to feel in love.
I love to love you and I want to do that for me
And maybe you'll do it for you too.
I want to sit with you in silence
And discuss soda in the coffee shop,
I want to look at you and cry
In gratitude
The only thing I can feel for you
And I know I will.

I want to live a life,
Because I want to be alive.

Evan Backward Aug 2013

To Know The Night

I want to look out the window
And see bright stars
Lights, and shattered visions.
I want to see
Colors and flying discs.
People thinking, dreaming,
On the edge of discovering
Always not knowing,
Always around the corner.
The timepiece etched in diamonds
Solid, imbued with living darkness
And sheltered worlds.
Pass the time along rivers
Motion, curling smoke and ladies dancing
I want to hear bells and raindrops.
Scattered droplets of rejuvenation
And solitary gongs calling into the depths,
I crave to see the night
For what it could be.

For what it really is behind
Closed doors, and open windows
Behind every mind the desire to know
Others and people
Moving flesh and deep breaths,
Sighing into one another
Haunted by control,
Thoughts of distaste for the lack of
Efficiency.

For I fear acceptance,
To accept a flaw,
A spiraling flood of color
A crack in the shield of dawn.
The weeds pushing up through
Concrete,
Trees, skyscrapers grasping at the atmosphere.
Shadows beyond the fences
And your eyes when I've asked too much.
I want to feel the night for what it is.
Not for what it could be.

Evan Backward Aug 2013

Tonight

Knees against my chest
This is no way to go on
Hands through my hair
If you push hard enough
The hole in my lungs
Just sit still
Nails at my skin
That's not about to change
Pulse in my temples
Move slow, keep it tight
Jaw clenches hard
Breathe, come on
The dreams on the edge
Come back, stay grounded
Fear comes in tides
She's talking to you, focus
Drained, collapse, ache
Just a little farther, another step
Ripped, tossed, tense
Let's sleep now, please
A gasp for air
It's morning. I made it.

Evan Backward Aug 2013

Human

So it's scary
I know that,
And I think you know that too.
Yet I want to say "but it's so much worse"
and I can't because it isn't.
It isn't so much worse
It's just that words can only convey
So much.
It's hard
I'm hurt
I cried
She died
The sorrow
The worst
It's just that kind of
Disconnect.
A page break, a fourth wall,
And in the stages of my mind,
I can't play for you what I'm thinking
And I don't expect you to do it in kind.
I can only listen and hold your hand.
Because all I want for you is joy.
Not joy like Christmas Eve at age 6
When mommy made turkey
And you can't help but giggle when you see that big box,
From: Santa.
Joy like, sitting in silence on the beach,
Silent inside and out.
Joy like, sobbing uncontrollably and pulling yourself together
Because she treated you with compassion.
Joy like contentedness, like satisfaction.
Joy, knowing that this mess is just because you're
Human.

Evan Backward Jun 2013

It's Time for Me

Sometimes it's good to be me,
Good to be me and not you,
Not us.

I'm not us,
And I need me. To smile and go on
My leap for joy is founded in me,
Not you.

So maybe it isn't you,
Because I'm not us.
And maybe I need to be me with you,
not us.

To feel my heat,
My smile, I stretch your legs
And stiffness holds me
As I hold your legs,
and I keep still, and heavy.

For I know where I sleep,
But not you.
Here in winter coats to brace for storm,
I hold myself, not you,
And speak of my frostbite,
run my bath.

So here I am,
Me in all my self.
And I think that's alright
That's just fine,
To not be you.

And maybe the sky is softer
But the ceilings are lower,
So I'll just be me and I'll try for joy.
Not because I'm not us,
But because I'm me.

Evan Backward Jun 2013

Looking Up

I see you,

sitting there saying "it's going to be okay"

And I

know that's a lie, because sometimes to me, "okay" means that I won't

Wake up tomorrow morning,

with four gray walls, a house, and the ocean

Looking at

the island off the coast thinking about

Yesterday's forever

because sometimes it isn't going to be okay but this
battle of wits
is futile, so I clasp my hands

And I sigh