and so
after five hours you reply
in real life time does not exist
and I remember alice said
It would be nice if something would
make sense for a change
but maybe I held you too tightly
because things were happening so fast
maybe I let you ruin me
take everything I was
and leave me hugging my pillow
in place of you
this love is not a victory, its a battleground
of fighting for each other.

I wish I could love you
in that path
You are so kind and you
Make me laugh

I wish I could see you
In that shadow
You are so talented and you
Had me so

Torn.
Because I do love you
Just not in that way
I hate that I don’t
But love you, I won’t.

I'm not sure what I expected,
but it wasn't you.
it wasn't this.
I'm not sure what I expected,
but it wasn't love.
it wasn't love.

through the last three months I have been
mourning
flowing through the mechanical movements of missing you.
the mornings
are lonelier now, and the moon’s  meandering motions mistake my melancholy for metamorphosis
for I have been modified by your musical meglomania,
And I will forever be forgetting you.

lets go out again,
because
we like each other.
we like each other,
lets go out again.
we had fun last month,
we had fun,
lets go out again.

YES/NO

last month you tore me to shreds
bits of you in everything I did
particles in my hair
on my clothes but its fine
because I like spending time
with you
I like spending time with you
because we like each other
we like each other,
so lets go out again.

your hair - cinnamon and burnt coffee.
your eyes -  an autumn mourning, pale and foggy.
your hands grasp firmly, not tight nor too loose,
you taste of warm winter's apple juice.

they told me,
it will only get easier.
i have never heard someone utter such a ******* lie.
i am thrown upwards and downwards
backwards and forwards by
my brain
a rollercoaster of overused metaphors
for the grief i feel daily
monthly, hourly.
every minute and every breath holds a different
emotion.

I don't think its pure
or ******* romantic
to reassure somebody
that you cannot live without
them

I cannot sing today
have not been well for a while
I cannot speak, for I
have been struggling, meanwhile:

She rides atop a golden wave
Cries like an angel choir
Is showered with abundant praise
in theory, I should be higher.

Happier for her growing success
though it may drag mine down
I celebrate, though must confess
I bear an inward frown.

Someone who has endured manipulation,
Only wants to be loved, but
Relatively easily,
Repression is hard to overcome.
You will learn to understand.

oh lord
please end
the terrible way that he cries when he
smiles
and how i cry with him,
for him,
through him.
please end the numbing silence that
surrounds us
and why i keep waiting
for him,
on him,
waiting for a chance to show that
this path i have taken was not correct
but that i have a terrible  love for where it has
ended up.

Lots of my poems are
Depressing
And that's not how it should be
But that's mostly how I feel
Purple and deep deep dark dark grey
it's not all sunflowers and picnic blankets and daisy chains
Sometimes life is simply a refrain from feeling like you should jump off a ******* cliff into the sea
And never surface again
Sometimes my poetry is wholesome goodness
Fun for all the family
Until it gets
Inappropriate
For anyone to read but me because it's deep deep dark dark and very very dangerous

what do you think of
In May
Is it me or is it the daffodils
Though they mostly grow through March
Do months transport you to your teenage years
Or do they just come and go
In your head
Is there an association between
Time and place
Or do you live
Or are you dead?

the softest glow of careless fight
classic books and candle light
Tissues missing from their box
soak up blood with knitted socks

love and sheets and dented dreams
ripped apart by broken teens
purple flowers, palest skin
blossom with the thought of him

there’s someone standing in my room
the shadow of the ghost of you
collarbones stick out so sore
hit and kiss right to the jaw.

walls they cry and shrink for you
bars will break and let you through
frightened for the fight of wives
laws because girls turn to knives

I ache
for the smallest parts of me
that you took when you left
my hope
my trust
my innocent love
ripped from my mind and bereft:

i mourn the glimmers of freshness
new, like the morning
Replaced by the doubts
Feeding and gnawing
Less hope
Less trust
Less innocence love

I soldier on to the upcoming dawning.

main road dusk
you in that dress
rain against glass
tell me everything.

in the house of silhouettes
there must be some light
the people are blind,
and they dance, but they bite.

in the house of silhouettes
there must be a monarchy
the wonder of a century
is breathing, feverishly.

you are so full of honey
syrupy sweetness
tell me why you turned so bitter

“There’s always tomorrow”
My ever-hopeful heart harmonizes with the blackbird on my windowsill.
But even tomorrow would not matter if nothing changed between us.
Tomorrow will come and go forever if we do nothing now.

how am I supposed to know
If love is true and I’m to grow?
For I felt love at the hands of a liar
while I cried, as he got higher,
And I felt love as I was used
Over again, as self was fused.
And I felt love as rumours were spread,
Through hours of wanting to just be dead,
BUT
I felt love at the laugh of my mother
The calm embrace of my older brother
I felt love at the smile of my dad,
Whom, though caring, can drive me mad,
And
I felt love at the friendships we’ve formed
the girls with whom I’ve laughed and mourned, and I felt love in the nudge of the dog, the soggy walks home and the days full of fog.

i barely remember.

loving you is a ******* lot.

Why do you come in and out of my life like a raging tide?
Stay gone!
Stay gone!
I was doing just fine.

“Been ages since we spoke”
I wanted that to stay.
I wanted you to just forget
That dreadful doubting day.

I’m happier without it,
Though often think of you,
I’ve met a man who loves me so
Much more lovingly than you.

I know you know you hurt me.
I know you know that sticks.
But You don’t know what impact your
stones have caused my bricks.

The ones that build me, form me,
Are still all cracked and chipped
My insides torn apart at all the heartstrings you have ripped.

Why do you never stay gone?
I beg you’re unaware !
Why do you never stay gone?
PLEASE  let me repair.