“There’s always tomorrow”
My ever-hopeful heart harmonizes with the blackbird on my windowsill.
But even tomorrow would not matter if nothing changed between us.
Tomorrow will come and go forever if we do nothing now.

Don't forgive his crimes just
because he can kiss them better.
I see his stained hands
every time I close my eyes.
I can’t escape the whispered lies,
they ring in my ears like a constant-
Hush! You wouldn’t want them to hear us.

I still feel his hands wrenching my wrist.
Remember how I wished his grip
Would loosen, if only a little.
Thought of the tenderness love
Was supposed to connote,
as the blood dripped persistently
into my throat.

It was then that I realized.
With nothing left in me,
that anything is better than
Being worshipped, forcibly.

I don’t know why
Or what it is
But I can hold it together all day
Until he asks
If I’m okay
And only then I ever crumble.
Eyes fill up quicker
Than my stomach when I see
My reflection.
Maybe it’s a father thing.
He just knows.

i barely remember.

I'm not sure what I expected,
but it wasn't you.
it wasn't this.
I'm not sure what I expected,
but it wasn't love.
it wasn't love.

I loved you so long that I turned into something
I could not recognize.
By the time the ordeal was over I was no longer a girl but the shell of a shivering shipwreck left to rot among the rocks.
My senses had all been cast astray in the disaster, and, dressed in white waves, I had crawled my way back to shore.
I still do not know how I made it out of that wreckage. I only remember the voice from the depths assuring me I would survive, and I did.
and I am.

what was it you saw in her?
so fast, when you claimed to love me?
how could it have been so deep
that you forgot what we had instantly?

you saw her for seconds,
Talked to her for minutes,
then by some strange justification decided
You Loved Her.

I don’t know if it was partly my fault,
pushing you away, but I only pushed you away because I knew how we’d end.
I’ve seen it before, and will see it again.
no loss for you, no heart, no law,
No light breaks through my window anymore.

you sit and eat cereal off my floor.
talk about the way it was before

I know your soul like I know no man's land
You know little about me.
you sit and eat cereal off my floor.
I talk about the things i want to be

ode to the peach tree,
sage leaves and chai tea,
to learning how to play guitar,
to undressed, endless summers
wherever you are.

I tug on your arm,
You don’t turn around anymore.

your hair - cinnamon and burnt coffee.
your eyes -  an autumn mourning, pale and foggy.
your hands grasp firmly, not tight nor too loose,
you taste of warm winter's apple juice.

there is something so very Soft,
about you.
Something cinnamon,
soothing and sweet.
Something woolen,
something warming,
something very Soft about you.

does that memory of me
on the sofa seem so
far away?
well then, who called you the taxi
and made sure you got home safe?

I bet you still remember the things
you said to me
the ones you claim you never spoke
safe place, no longer free.

I have been a shadow in this space because of you
no longer will I sit and stare until the walls burn through.
I still cannot hear anything but that heavy silent house
I still can't quite conceive how you were quiet as a mouse.

You said that you weren't ready
but you were just for She,
I was a fool for thinking you could cope with
loving me.

the softest glow of careless fight
classic books and candle light
Tissues missing from their box
soak up blood with knitted socks

love and sheets and dented dreams
ripped apart by broken teens
purple flowers, palest skin
blossom with the thought of him

there’s someone standing in my room
the shadow of the ghost of you
collarbones stick out so sore
hit and kiss right to the jaw.

walls they cry and shrink for you
bars will break and let you through
frightened for the fight of wives
laws because girls turn to knives

how am I supposed to know
If love is true and I’m to grow?
For I felt love at the hands of a liar
while I cried, as he got higher,
And I felt love as I was used
Over again, as self was fused.
And I felt love as rumours were spread,
Through hours of wanting to just be dead,
BUT
I felt love at the laugh of my mother
The calm embrace of my older brother
I felt love at the smile of my dad,
Whom, though caring, can drive me mad,
And
I felt love at the friendships we’ve formed
the girls with whom I’ve laughed and mourned, and I felt love in the nudge of the dog, the soggy walks home and the days full of fog.

Why do you come in and out of my life like a raging tide?
Stay gone!
Stay gone!
I was doing just fine.

“Been ages since we spoke”
I wanted that to stay.
I wanted you to just forget
That dreadful doubting day.

I’m happier without it,
Though often think of you,
I’ve met a man who loves me so
Much more lovingly than you.

I know you know you hurt me.
I know you know that sticks.
But You don’t know what impact your
stones have caused my bricks.

The ones that build me, form me,
Are still all cracked and chipped
My insides torn apart at all the heartstrings you have ripped.

Why do you never stay gone?
I beg you’re unaware !
Why do you never stay gone?
PLEASE  let me repair.

Someone who has endured manipulation,
Only wants to be loved, but
Relatively easily,
Repression is hard to overcome.
You will learn to understand.

I often wonder what the strangers on the bus think when they look at me, looking at the raindrops race each other down the misty
window panes.
do they see the sadness that satiates me?

there is a girl, whom I recognise, but can't think from where,
She seems to see the sadness there.

we've talked but once, she has purple hair, its long and straight.
She seems to care.

I know not her name, her aches or her pain,
I know not her life, her troubles, her strife,
one thing is sure, though I don't know her nature,
I know that this girl is a Beautiful Stranger.

This week I have wandered.
alone, a lost ghost among my regular haunts.
from the coffee shop in the park to the icy edge of the ocean I strayed,
Then returned to the warm yellow windows of my family home.
My hair is a mess, hasn’t been washed and left in a low tuft, at the nape of my neck, twined together with a green satin ribbon.

This week I have wandered.
Alone, a lost ghost among my regular haunts,
from the kitchen I crawled back to the warmth of my solitary sanctuary.
And there I stayed, as normal, in my navy knee length sweatshirt and joggers.

And now, as I sit in my single bed, pale back against the radiator, the tears finally come.

I cut all my hair off yesterday.
8 inches of golden rays gone.
The blunt ends now sit upon my collarbones.
it’s softer.
I like it.

I surely saw an angel,
For a solid space in time.
I surely heard her singing,
For a love she longed to find.
I surely felt a silken hand,
Brush tenderly with mine.
I surely saw an angel once,
Before she fell in line.

Suddenly there’s blackest joy,
Filling every vein.
I sing of luck and liberty
That’s quickly stripped away.
My touch is dark and fever some
Infecting every day.
I surely saw an angel once,
She has slowly slipped away.

main road dusk
you in that dress
rain against glass
tell me everything.

in the house of silhouettes
there must be some light
the people are blind,
and they dance, but they bite.

in the house of silhouettes
there must be a monarchy
the wonder of a century
is breathing, feverishly.

I ache
for the smallest parts of me
that you took when you left
my hope
my trust
my innocent love
ripped from my mind and bereft:

i mourn the glimmers of freshness
new, like the morning
Replaced by the doubts
Feeding and gnawing
Less hope
Less trust
Less innocence love

I soldier on to the upcoming dawning.

Pulsate your peevish pain
through every inch of me,
call it love,
your preposterous purity
pumps in my veins now,
I cannot escape your
Vice, I laugh that I once
Tried.

That is a part of me now.
That same sickness satiates
Each nerve of mine.
That same slaughterous sin
sounds like the echo of
My bare bones.
That slimy sidekick that
You call sanctimonious
Writhes, sorry in my skin.

Pre-existent Angelface is nothing
But a wistful, naïve miracle!
She is chained with heavy wire,
Remains in my grains.
I believe she weeps, out of sheer
Celebration, for she is a
ferociously forgiving creature
Blind to her nature.

September is creeping at summer’s corners
with stealth, so slight, so slender
flakes of gold, no fight, still tender.

let me float
with the swells of your mood
and the smells of your tiny apartment
breath you in
out
as we sit cross legged on your
sagging sofa
summers afternoon is drawing in
to a confine
and I am claustrophobic.

Stuck in a secret safe haven
That shakes with anticipation
aches with adoration
resonates your thunder.

the suffering i have danced through.
the tears i have bathed in.

my hair is too short
too short to tie up
too long to be free
too tangled to love

my face is too sad
too sad to be bright
too red to be snow
too pale to be light

my hands are too weak
too weak to point out
too small to hold
too tired to scout

My skin is too soft
Too soft to be smooth
Too rough to be felt
Too broken to move

oh lord
please end
the terrible way that he cries when he
smiles
and how i cry with him,
for him,
through him.
please end the numbing silence that
surrounds us
and why i keep waiting
for him,
on him,
waiting for a chance to show that
this path i have taken was not correct
but that i have a terrible  love for where it has
ended up.

and I would call you my Heathcliff,
but I am no Catherine.

You were a complex character
before I made my impact,
I cannot claim to have caused your
wounds, nor to have healed your heart,
But for the time we had,
I hope I brought you some small,
( however small)
amount of joy, or at least
rest,
from the wicked souls who tormented you
That now reside in a shadow behind your smile.

And yes, in a way I suppose I have the qualities of Catherine,
I too broke my own heart,
but at least you could recognise
that you too, played your part.

here.
and then not.
well now what?

he’s holding back tears,
this soft summer
says he has a cold,

my hand magnetically,
attaches to his shoulder
and pulls him closer.

He kisses my head,
“you’re such a good friend”
as his arm snakes round my shoulder.

now we’re lying.
swaying summer grass
his hand takes mine,

jokes that my arm
is in the wrong place,
Corrects it with caress.

we are standing somewhere,
here and then not,
this isn’t fair
well now what?

another name
To add to my page of heartbreak
another name
To keep me numb
Another name
To romance, for a second chance
Though he is second to none.

another face
To associate with love
another face
To curse with praise
another face
to rehearse each small graze
On our downward facing days.

another heart
to submerge in anticipation
another heart
To learn each crack of pavement
another heart
To bleed dry, with a needle to the eye, when all my energy is spent.

another day
To pay for the holes in myself
To jump off of the highest shelf

another fate
To hate with an upward trend
Well I don’t need another friend.

there is a terrible pain
an aching waking dragon
writhing inside
At her name

there is a terrible fright
A devastated, hatred
which arises
At her sight

A terrible fear
Much deeper, the reaper
Has come
For me.

I am tired of trying
The old you can’t be cloned
I am sick of crying
And watching you get ******
I am through with lying
Oh, I heard you when you groaned
I am not replying.

I am done with darling
The sweetness has been framed
and it’s quite alarming
To see what has decayed.

I cannot sing today
have not been well for a while
I cannot speak, for I
have been struggling, meanwhile:

She rides atop a golden wave
Cries like an angel choir
Is showered with abundant praise
in theory, I should be higher.

Happier for her growing success
though it may drag mine down
I celebrate, though must confess
I bear an inward frown.

you were toffee to my teeth
initially tasted so sweet
soon sickly, twisted and knotted
to my soul you
stuck and rotted

through the last three months I have been
mourning
flowing through the mechanical movements of missing you.
the mornings
are lonelier now, and the moon’s  meandering motions mistake my melancholy for metamorphosis
for I have been modified by your musical meglomania,
And I will forever be forgetting you.

another november creeps in at the corners, and her omission of modesty has once again amazed me. the trees cry, golden tears that tesselate under my toes, cloaking the concrete in earthy hues that might fool you into thinking humanity had never touched this realm of benevolent bliss.
But it has, for this metropolis is full of foolery, of factories and fame,
all of which have obnoxiously trampled every square inch of the woodlands which once ran riot over the distant, deserted hills.
Mists of fine floods hang now, like a veil in the haze of a rainy wedding day.
There is thunder in the eyes of the untamed, the flesh and blood whose dwellings have been disturbed by savage, civilised society.

To sit and sip
On bitter foam
That warms from in within
Among the pretty snowdrops
I commit my deadly sin
the curl of crescent starlight
that will not let me in
push blossoms out of bare wood
Begrudgingly, it’s spring.

measure the midway, that cavernous kiss
torment of the raging waves
commentates angelical bliss
softly in those criminous caves.

endure and wail with the whispering wind
the tyrannous acid lash
twice the insidious harmony
of foamy thunder ****.

crawl and curl into turbulant annex
antagonistic reverie
thrice the slaving metroplex
of every elder tree.

may I ask what shaped your love
of fragile, bitter, true,
can I tell which wrong is right,
I often think of you.

abysmal, blunt, imperishable
moderate to none,
may I ask who carved your love
from segments of the sun.

that slight touch of tenderness
softens beyond the blue
glistening tears of gentleness
my kind regards to you.

spring blossoms into summer,
and summer falls to rust, and
the only Thing I know and love,
has left in cardboard dust.

lets go out again,
because
we like each other.
we like each other,
lets go out again.
we had fun last month,
we had fun,
lets go out again.

YES/NO

last month you tore me to shreds
bits of you in everything I did
particles in my hair
on my clothes but its fine
because I like spending time
with you
I like spending time with you
because we like each other
we like each other,
so lets go out again.

just how fast one flies away
when they are threatened with
a tether

run your hands
through golden strands
speak softly,
ask me how,
then
mantle my cheeks,
you flush my brow.

caress rosebud lips
and hug my hips
sing sweetly,
ask me why,
then
turn around for I am one,
to exist until I die.

I wish romance was as dead
as the flowers you left on my
kitchen table
for I have finished with frolic
and ****** with fame
and never come out on top.

I don't think its pure
or ******* romantic
to reassure somebody
that you cannot live without
them

I wish I could love you
in that path
You are so kind and you
Make me laugh

I wish I could see you
In that shadow
You are so talented and you
Had me so

Torn.
Because I do love you
Just not in that way
I hate that I don’t
But love you, I won’t.

you are so full of honey
syrupy sweetness
tell me why you turned so bitter

what do you think of
In May
Is it me or is it the daffodils
Though they mostly grow through March
Do months transport you to your teenage years
Or do they just come and go
In your head
Is there an association between
Time and place
Or do you live
Or are you dead?

never do anything,
without loving it like I do
never just exist,
just because you have to

run with the sun
and smile in the salt
love like your love has never been lost

soak up the warmth
and play in the snow
be who you are
there are places to go

i don't want to eat today
do not force me.
i don't want to talk today
let me listen.
i don't want to leave my bed today.
lay with me.
stare at the ceiling and hold my hand.