they'll never know you the way that I do

We hope for the best but life works out in funny ways
struggling to live and afford to be alive
is this what we all couldn't wait for
to be helpless
struggling
down and out
when are we free

the comforting colors of crimson and silver
the numbness of each line
the dizziness of every bottle

You said you wouldn’t let drugs become a problem
Here you are snorting lines like nothing matters
Letting these drugs eat away at your brain and nose
Clenched jaw, sweaty hands, bad temper
Who even are you anymore
I just want my friend back, who you were before the drugs.. before the fall...before this mess
Where did you go

They will:
Leave
Hurt
Yell
Play Victim
but when it is you
when does it matter?

Sun, moon, and all the stars that’s what you are to me
I am wholeheartedly in love with who you were, who you are, and who you’ll become
Love comes unexpectedly
Sing me to sleep, my darling

Opening of the mind during experiments
Forever woke about mass happiness
Waves of vibrations through your body
Becoming completely zen with your inner self

Rainbow stars and wavy vibrations
Big eyes and fluffy steps
It’s a wild ride on the road to success
Wormy worm

you are back again
what is the point?
you come just as fast as you leave
do I deserve this?

they talk behind your back
you can feel it like knives in your skin
it's supposed to be love not hate
what can you do
never ending cycle

It sounds so beautiful at this point
You get endless flowers
No more pain
You can finally be at peace right
Maybe death isn’t as bad as we think
We become reborn into someone who isn’t hurting anymore
So pop another addy and drink that whiskey till you don’t wake up
Razor blades and car crashes call your name
Don’t fear the end

Whiskey breath down the back of my spine
Bruised hand following my tailbone
Chapped lips on my neck
Blood covered thighs and aching insides
Who was I now... nobody
Words spoke to imply intimidation
Intoxicated by your lies
Penetrated by betrayal

Mascara smudged eyes
Lipstick stained lips
Blurred vision
Lost mind
Gelatin brain
Sluggish body
Drugged girl
Ripped blouse

***** hand slides down an innocent thigh
Untouched now becomes ******
Miles & miles of skin now unholy but not by choice
These moments are damaged by the hand of the Devil
They ask how could you allow this like you had a say while being gagged by lies and tied down by the truth.

I saw your face yesterday
I barley recognized who you've become
Hallowed out jaw and forced smile
That wasn't who you were around me
Your soul has been ****** from your veins
The very veins that are pumping the drugs through
Your dead eyes spoke volume
Eyes don't lie

you remember them
it is hard to forget them
they are burned into our memories
everywhere we turn
some you block out but others are imbedded into your skin
how could a face leave scars, pain, sadness, or despair

The month of your known PTSD.
The month your life changed forever.
Never forget the hands that bruised.
The “man” who will never be sorry.
Protect yourself during this time.
This month is hard.

Lost in the brain waves of harsh reality
Teeth grinding, pupils huge, awake for 72 hours
Little blue addies on the cover of Addiction for Dummies
Pop one, two, three no more feelings just a body stuck in a bad wavelength and the mind is racing like the horses at the track hoping to win the big prize

Who knew silver would draw red?
Dotted paradise
Raised, red skin
Vertical for results
Horizontal for pain
Who am I
Does this define me
So much pain & hurt between the lines
Trying to breath but suffocating under pressure
One more wont hurt

We all want someone to have our back
No matter how bad things are we long for that feeling
You could be the worst person but someone still longs for you
Some don’t deserve the title “Friend” but receive it anyway because they are great manipulators
Don’t let the bad in to ruin your good

YOU broke me
with your lies
your schemes
wasted time
forced behavior
fake love
your drugs
your *****

You left me stranded there with no way out
My heart on my sleeve
Eyes filled with tears
How do I deserve this pain
I only show love and support
I’m crashing down again but this time, no one can stop the bad things from happening
Whatever happens, happens
Gone

Pill after pill, another sleepless night
We thought this was a part of “livin my best life”
Now you’ve been up for three days because adderall took over your life
So did the blade, that you use so harshly
We’re hurting but we wanted to grow up so bad, right
Will we ever be living our best life while struggling with past terrors and addiction?
Help

Where do I go
Pills filling my mouth
Brain clouded with suicide
This is how it ends
Help

no song in the world would describe this feeling

how did we get here
paying bills and losing homes
losing children and our minds
itching for a new life
another death another tear
choked up on pride too afraid to swallow it

blamed it on your situation
this never ending cycle
said no matter what, no matter when, no matter where
broken heart claim
yet I'm always picking up the pieces they broke

how I feel about the missed calls
how I feel about the drug use
how I feel about the lying
how I feel about our situation
how I feel about reality
how I feel about the pain
how I feel about with you
how I feel without you

It seems as if you are gone for good
no more messages
no more random pop ups
no more looking for sympathy
I dont deserve this

Relapse.
It happens.
Sometimes it feels so good, the adrenaline rush for the adrenaline ******.
Sometimes you hate yourself more than you did before.
The sweet yet incriminating taste of relapse.
It happens.

Lost in your mind
Waves of sadness crash down
Droopy eyes and drugged
Why try to be alive
******* crazy
Boozed beauty

the ****** took your mind
bouts of rage and tiny pupils
midnight FaceTime calling
no help, you are falling
track marks and empty staring
my heart is tearing

Shaking with the phone in my hand
Uneasy stomach and sweats
My legs are trembling
Is this my life now

alone, in this world
you come and go as you please
far beyond manipulation
but it is better than loneliness

We mutilate to feel something
We cry to heal something
Struggling to breathe over the thought of you with someone else
Bleeding to deal with the lies and insecurities
Brain like scrambled eggs in the hot sun
Skeleton shapes and clanking bones
Is it enough yet

What is love? Love is pain
You can love so hard and it still won’t be enough
Put your heart on the line just to get hurt
Help everyone else when you’re the one suffering
Who is going to love you?
The answer is no one because you don’t matter
No matter how hard you love

Forced love
I said no
You took what you wanted anyway
Someone help
You said it was deserved
Blood and crying eyes

stop teaching men
no crying
no feelings
be a man
human bank
nobody cares
mental illness isn't real

start teaching
you are worthy
your feelings matter
tell me more
I got that bill
I care, go on
it is okay to not be okay

You lie awake at night wanting love that doesn’t want you
Crying tears on people who would stomp on your grave

Why is starting over so hard
Nobody said it would be easy
We as people expect things to come naturally
That is why we are at fault for the bad things
We need to be a better us
As one together
Let’s try

One pill after another
Heart is beating fast
Snort another line
Down another bottle
We no longer feel
This is what we need to feel alive
Even though we’re trying to die

down like waterfalls
sunshine is the root of evil
we are captivated by our thoughts
our brains are cashed
stuck in a head change

Things happen for lots of reasons
We may never know most of them but we will continue to believe everything happens for a reason
Life works in ways that mostly hurt us
So we grab that bottle whether it’s the pills or alcohol
Drown your thoughts to feel human again
Suffer in ways we can never explain
Die knowing nobody gave enough of a f**k

Addies & Coke
The go to for the go through
Fill your nose
Fill your throat
Choose not to feel whats really hurting
Desperately feigning
They are lost between where to go and how to get there
This really isn’t that simple, you see
Watch them struggle and break all the rules

Space gazing through the universe
Feel like I’m floating in another dimension
Intense emotions and low eyes
Is this anxiety or the high

you may have left me
the memories didn't
I still care for you
I shouldn't still hurt
it wasn't anything to you
you said you were back for good

He sung to me with his beautiful, soft yet masculine voice
I smiled so big that night
Eyes met closely
Hand and hand, felt like a movie
Nothing but happy endings on this wonderful, starry night

the thoughts
the heart
the memories
the scars

Whiskey whispers in my ear all night  
Bruised hand caressing my thigh
Your grip is tight & I can’t move
Stolen kiss upon my neck
Who told you that you could do this
Powder your nose and take a shot
You won’t love me in the morning

The end is coming soon than anyone thinks
How can you plan for it
You can’t plan for the big event
You are stuck and have to suffer through what happens
Don’t worry
The end is near