the thoughts
the heart
the memories
the scars

you remember them
it is hard to forget them
they are burned into our memories
everywhere we turn
some you block out but others are imbedded into your skin
how could a face leave scars, pain, sadness, or despair

Space gazing through the universe
Feel like I’m floating in another dimension
Intense emotions and low eyes
Is this anxiety or the high

they talk behind your back
you can feel it like knives in your skin
it's supposed to be love not hate
what can you do
never ending cycle

Pill after pill, another sleepless night
We thought this was a part of “livin my best life”
Now you’ve been up for three days because adderall took over your life
So did the blade, that you use so harshly
We’re hurting but we wanted to grow up so bad, right
Will we ever be living our best life while struggling with past terrors and addiction?
Help

Pick up the bottle to drink away your sorrows
Pop another pill to not feel
Snort another line to remember you’re alive
Grab the blade and slice away the pain
Let the bad things define your soul
Hurt a little more
Love a little less
Who are we living for

It seems as if you are gone for good
no more messages
no more random pop ups
no more looking for sympathy
I dont deserve this

the ****** took your mind
bouts of rage and tiny pupils
midnight FaceTime calling
no help, you are falling
track marks and empty staring
my heart is tearing

it still wasn't enough for you to stay

I am lost
in time
in mind
in heart
in your arms
How do I get out

the bottle
your hugs
the pills
your kisses
the blade
your fists
at what cost do I beg for warmth

they'll never know you the way that I do

those little lines were always more important to you.

down like waterfalls
sunshine is the root of evil
we are captivated by our thoughts
our brains are cashed
stuck in a head change

You lie awake at night wanting love that doesn’t want you
Crying tears on people who would stomp on your grave

Time is effortless so they say
We get lost like it’s the path we belong to
I cannot escape the dangers of the man who watches me in the shadows
Always there, waiting & watching
I cannot speak or I will be punished with his whip of harsh words that break the skin and soak into my veins like the drugs that I snort.

One pill after another
Heart is beating fast
Snort another line
Down another bottle
We no longer feel
This is what we need to feel alive
Even though we’re trying to die

Crimson dots appear as the cold metal draws beautiful lines as straight as the roads that take you to nowhere
Black skies and lying eyes tell all
Long sleeves conceal the secrets held ever so tightly
How deceptive of me to make you believe that the words “I am okay” truthfully read that there was nothing to worry about
Bleeding out and all you can hear is my veins emptying like water tapping on the roof after a big storm

alone, in this world
you come and go as you please
far beyond manipulation
but it is better than loneliness

Relapse.
It happens.
Sometimes it feels so good, the adrenaline rush for the adrenaline ******.
Sometimes you hate yourself more than you did before.
The sweet yet incriminating taste of relapse.
It happens.

It sounds so beautiful at this point
You get endless flowers
No more pain
You can finally be at peace right
Maybe death isn’t as bad as we think
We become reborn into someone who isn’t hurting anymore
So pop another addy and drink that whiskey till you don’t wake up
Razor blades and car crashes call your name
Don’t fear the end

We hope for the best but life works out in funny ways
struggling to live and afford to be alive
is this what we all couldn't wait for
to be helpless
struggling
down and out
when are we free

blamed it on your situation
this never ending cycle
said no matter what, no matter when, no matter where
broken heart claim
yet I'm always picking up the pieces they broke

***** hand slides down an innocent thigh
Untouched now becomes ******
Miles & miles of skin now unholy but not by choice
These moments are damaged by the hand of the Devil
They ask how could you allow this like you had a say while being gagged by lies and tied down by the truth.

Where do I go
Pills filling my mouth
Brain clouded with suicide
This is how it ends
Help

Mascara smudged eyes
Lipstick stained lips
Blurred vision
Lost mind
Gelatin brain
Sluggish body
Drugged girl
Ripped blouse

Lost in the brain waves of harsh reality
Teeth grinding, pupils huge, awake for 72 hours
Little blue addies on the cover of Addiction for Dummies
Pop one, two, three no more feelings just a body stuck in a bad wavelength and the mind is racing like the horses at the track hoping to win the big prize

how I feel about the missed calls
how I feel about the drug use
how I feel about the lying
how I feel about our situation
how I feel about reality
how I feel about the pain
how I feel about with you
how I feel without you

He sung to me with his beautiful, soft yet masculine voice
I smiled so big that night
Eyes met closely
Hand and hand, felt like a movie
Nothing but happy endings on this wonderful, starry night

no song in the world would describe this feeling

the comforting colors of crimson and silver
the numbness of each line
the dizziness of every bottle

seeing him after years of feeling free from his grip
jolting up straight, holding back tears, rapid breathing
why does it still hurt so much
the bruises went away, why can't you

Whiskey whispers in my ear all night  
Bruised hand caressing my thigh
Your grip is tight & I can’t move
Stolen kiss upon my neck
Who told you that you could do this
Powder your nose and take a shot
You won’t love me in the morning

Who knew silver would draw red?
Dotted paradise
Raised, red skin
Vertical for results
Horizontal for pain
Who am I
Does this define me
So much pain & hurt between the lines
Trying to breath but suffocating under pressure
One more wont hurt

The end is coming soon than anyone thinks
How can you plan for it
You can’t plan for the big event
You are stuck and have to suffer through what happens
Don’t worry
The end is near

I never loved my name until I heard your voice say it
Explosions of love burst in my heart
Your touch is ever so gently
Each kiss reminds me why I fell in love
You kiss away each part of my self mutilation
Together we are a beautiful disaster
Both broken like we’re about to drift away like dust in the wind but together we’re stuck like glue
In this story we don’t break, bind, or bend
We love, trust, and care

You left me stranded there with no way out
My heart on my sleeve
Eyes filled with tears
How do I deserve this pain
I only show love and support
I’m crashing down again but this time, no one can stop the bad things from happening
Whatever happens, happens
Gone

Whether it be drugs, liquor, or people
You have no remorse
Ripping through towns like a tornado
Look at all the damage caused
Some messes cannot be cleaned.

Sometimes we lose people for our own good
That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt like hell
We get way more sad then we should
I cannot change what has happened
I guess I can only move on from here
It will always hurt just know that
I’m sorry things turned out to be so bad
I wish you well even though you destroyed pieces of me
You never deserved me in your life
Your loss

Shaking with the phone in my hand
Uneasy stomach and sweats
My legs are trembling
Is this my life now

We all want someone to have our back
No matter how bad things are we long for that feeling
You could be the worst person but someone still longs for you
Some don’t deserve the title “Friend” but receive it anyway because they are great manipulators
Don’t let the bad in to ruin your good

What is love? Love is pain
You can love so hard and it still won’t be enough
Put your heart on the line just to get hurt
Help everyone else when you’re the one suffering
Who is going to love you?
The answer is no one because you don’t matter
No matter how hard you love

don't get to see you grow old
never hear your voice again
losing your joyous smile
the emptiness of your bedroom
children wondering why
your smell burns now

Why is starting over so hard
Nobody said it would be easy
We as people expect things to come naturally
That is why we are at fault for the bad things
We need to be a better us
As one together
Let’s try

Rainbow stars and wavy vibrations
Big eyes and fluffy steps
It’s a wild ride on the road to success
Wormy worm

i appreciate all you do but ...

Addies & Coke
The go to for the go through
Fill your nose
Fill your throat
Choose not to feel whats really hurting
Desperately feigning
They are lost between where to go and how to get there
This really isn’t that simple, you see
Watch them struggle and break all the rules

Things happen for lots of reasons
We may never know most of them but we will continue to believe everything happens for a reason
Life works in ways that mostly hurt us
So we grab that bottle whether it’s the pills or alcohol
Drown your thoughts to feel human again
Suffer in ways we can never explain
Die knowing nobody gave enough of a f**k

I seen you at your worst
Still think you’re the best
Holding you tight
Pushing your broken pieces back together
Saw the wounds on your heart
Stitched you back up
Is this love

I saw your face yesterday
I barley recognized who you've become
Hallowed out jaw and forced smile
That wasn't who you were around me
Your soul has been ****** from your veins
The very veins that are pumping the drugs through
Your dead eyes spoke volume
Eyes don't lie