ngayon ko lang napansin. sobrang dami ko palang isinulat para sa'yo. ngayon ko lang napansin na lahat sila galing sa mga katabi kong diksyonaryo at tesauro. malay ko ba kung ano ang ibig sabihin ng mga isinulat ko. lumalaki pa lamang ako. ngayon pa lang natututong makipagtalastasan, makipagbalagtasan, makipagsagutan, makipag-away. ngayon pa lang akong natututong maghintay at ngayon pa lang nasusugatan. ngayon ko lang nalaman ang tunay na ibig sabihin ng paniniwala. paniniwala sa pagkahulog, paniniwala sa kung anumang gusto kong paniwalaan. paniniwala na meron ka pang mapapaniwalaan dito sa mundo. kapit ka, subukan mo. ngayon pa lang akong nagtitiwalang muli. ngayon pa lang nagpapatawad. ngayon pa lang nakakapagsabi ng 'mahal kita', nang walang pagdududa at walang pagsisisi. mahal ko talaga sila. ngayon ko pa lang nararamdaman ang tunay na pag-ibig. ngayon ko pa lang nakikita kung paano magmahal ang isang taong nasasaktan. ngayon pa lang ako nakakita ng taong durog at winasak ng panahon — marahil dati puro sa teleserye ko lang ito napapanood. noong pumunta kami sa isang museo, napakaraming uri ng sining na maaari **** makita. may mga head busts, paintings, sculptures, pati mga ginamit ng mga pintador na brushes at pati na rin mga natuyong pintura nila. tinignan ko lahat iyon. umabot ng halos labindalawang oras ang pag-iikot ko. walang kain-kain. kinailangan kong makita lahat. ngunit ngayon ko lang napagtanto na iisa lang naman 'yung gusto ko talagang makita. ('yung spolarium.) ngayon lang ako nakarinig ng mga taong wala talagang kamuang-muang sa mundo. 'yung tipo ng taong nakaupo sa ginto ngunit talagang lumaking tanga. nakakaawa sila. ngayon ko pa lang pinapangaralan 'yung sarili ko. kanina nga lang ako nagsabi sa sarili na hindi na ako kakain ng fast food at processed food. (seryoso. nakakamatay talaga sila.) sa pagkamatay ng nakaraan, noon ko lang nasabi sa sarili ko na gusto ko pa talagang mabuhay. gusto ko pang makakita. gusto ko pang makaramdam.

ngayon pa lang ako natututong magsulat.

Meet my eyes and smile
Throw your head back and laugh
I'll place my hands on your hips
Keep on being happy, just like this

Don't mind the other stars
Let yourself afire
You're shining ever so brightly
You are the iris for me

Such closeness,
little things,
fingers entwine-

I visited that site today,
where all our memories are laid
I don't know why but I miss it somehow
I guess I just can't forget
I guess you never taught me how
Sometimes I wish we never met
But all is well now, I suppose
All is good for me and you
We have adapted to all our losses
I hope you have beautiful days, too
I am okay, if you really care
That was how you left me
Those were your last words
You said your soul is torn
You said I was a horcrux of yours
You told me you hated that you still think of me,
You still cry for your forever
You keep all my letters,
all the stuffed toys and little things
It smells like me
You remember my touch,
and all of it still lingers
It reminds you of innocence
and all the bad days
It reminds you of me,
your longest fling.
You used to remember my lips when you kissed hers
I pitied her at some point
She didn't deserve a love like that
But who am I to care about you two
You didn't even care when you inflicted pain on me
I guess our doors are closed
You say we are in good terms like we had a negotiation
It was nice until it lasted
Lately I found out that
God made another one of you
to love me better than you ever will

All is well now, I suppose
All too well, I guarantee.

i wonder if you wonder
does she write me poems
and sing me lullabies
even when i am not home?

i wonder if you wonder
is she okay?
she told me more than once
she cant live without me

is she okay? do you ask yourself
and wonder what i am now
without you here?

Three years, three years
And I never asked the reason
behind those crying and tears

Forever, forever
But whatever it is,
you will never lose me, not ever

Christina, Christina*
I love you today and everyday
I love you when you're breaking
I loved you (from a distance)
I love you when you're crying
I love you when you're happy
I love you when you're clingy
I love you when you're shy
I love our inside jokes
I'll love your fake smiles
If you want me to provoke
I love you when you're sad
I'll keep you when you're mad
I loved you from afar
I love you when you're mine
I love you when you're not

Know that these spaces
cannot intervene
with all the faults we have
because I have found the reason
to love you all the time.

So I've been talking to a few nice people on the internet. We had casual small talks. What's your name? How old are you? Where do you live? I've been telling you that they annoy me, but they keep me company. Some of them are English, one is French. I've been learning languages including French, by the way. You've just been so busy, too busy.

Where do you live? And I can't help but think of how you wanted me to take you home that night but it was so late and we were in our uniforms and I needed to go home; I declined. I let go of your hand, your tiny hand (calling it tiny makes you frown, and you're cute when you frown). I let go of those hands that could only fit with mine. That night... That night, up there, where we watched the sun take its last dreadful glimpse on us. That beautiful night when we felt the wind turn from hot and sticky to warm and nice. That night when you took a mental picture of me laughing. You told me that that night was enough to make you happy for the rest of your short life. You said you are almost certain that you would leave me first. You said that the last one who will die would grow old and visit that same place and cry. That night... That night, up there, you asked me once to not let it end. But it did. I live there.

How old are you? It was raining. It was pouring, so **** hard. Was there a storm signal, I'll never know. I didn't care. I used to sit by the windows and count every raindrop. There was a moment in my life where I thought that playing while it is raining is childish but dancing in the rain is adult stuff. I used to imagine how couples kiss under their umbrellas and how it is possible to forget that they have umbrellas. I used to picture it in my small, childish and immature head that I will someday, hopefully, have someone who could be silly with me. The adult type of silly. It was raining. It was raining so hard. But your hands were light and you were a feather. Gliding with me through the courses of those strong winds. Your hands were in my hands and I finally know why men feel like they could conquer the world all by themselves. We were laughing, like those lovers in the movie under the streetlights. And we were holding hands. You were pulling me and you were holding my hands and we were running and it was raining and I lost track of how many raindrops have poured now because I think it's not raining anymore but I do know that you're still smiling giddily like we did something that is only ours to know and I think I have seen my rainbow and it's running and it's pulling my hand towards our silver lining and it's so ******* beautiful. It's so ******* beautiful. It was magnificent. And I didn't realize, I didn't realize this until that moment --- that astounding, outstanding, amazing, tragamagazingzing --- that marvelous, marvelous moment: I was childishly, hopelessly, truly, madly deeply falling in love with you (yes! like that song! from that silly old movie!). I was falling in love with you over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over --- That was a lot of raindrops. I was sixteen.

What's your name? Oh god. Oh ****. Oh god. Oh ****. ****. ****. ****. ****, ****, ****, ****. What do I say? I could tell you a lot of things but all I do is listen to country songs and go to that country singer's concerts... Oh well that was lame. Was that lame? Did I really say that out loud? I think I did. I don't think I look like your best friend though. I'm usually quiet. Yes, I have a scar on my face. Oh you don't like my name? Why so? Sure you can call me by my other name. I have a nickname, but only close people call me--- Okay. You can call me by my nickname. No, I don't know him. Am I really that quiet? He must be nice. Yeah I like brown eyes too but I'm trying to seek other colors now. Oh that's why you don't like my name. I'm sorry, but I promise you that's not how love works. I met this person once and she was my heaven and hell. But yeah, you know, I wasn't enough. Nah, you don't have to tell me that. She already made me feel like ****, anyway. It's okay. Ah, yes I write. Do you want to see? It's okay, but I don't really like showing these to people. I showed it to that guy though. He's really nice. Yeah you can read them. I write random stuff. Alright, I'll see you later. Good morning to you too! Hello. You seem a bit off. How are you? You okay? I don't believe you. Define okay? Oh you have a nice smile. I guess it's okay, dimples aren't that cute to me. I've had this scar since I was in prep-school. I didn't really notice those freckles before, but thanks. Oops, hey careful there. Oh sorry I held your waist. It's okay. Are you okay? Define okay? Alright, laters. You're really cute when you smile (and I swear I could hear my heart flutter when you say metaphorical things.) Wait what? Did I really just say that out loud? Oh thank God. Wait, no. Oh. ****. ****, ****, ****, ****. Let me write this down. Let me write about this. Uh. Sure. You can read it. I won't mind. Okay maybe read it later when you're at home. Yes that's a better idea. Read it at home. When I am not there to watch your reaction and probably make a fool out of myself. Hi. Good morning to you too. I know. Yes that's what I said. Hello. Was it weird? I know. Yes, sweetheart, that was for you. You said that already. Hi again. I'm okay. I'm yours.

I wish we could have our casual small talks again. I guess I'll never be too busy to remind myself, and to remind you, that you are missing from me.

Embellish my life with sweetness
Fill my desires with gladness
Heighten my hopes like soaring birds
And fit my poems with fancy words

What I want so much is for the worst to diminish
And be left with all the good ones
What I want so much is to vanish -
Everything, even myself, all at once

But all I am offered
are time and the awaited remedy
All seems blurred
but right now this is all I can be.

i want to ask how you are.

.1. You are my paradox.
You are my strength. You are my weakness. You are my sunshine. You are my rain. You are my everything. You are my nothing. You are my high. You are my low. You are a pain. You are my solace. You are my light. You are my darkness. You are mine. You are not.

2. I am your kingdom. You are my ruler.
Surround me with your majesty. Protect me with all your might. Bravely fight for me. Let no one conquer your space. Own me, your colony, and never give me up. Give me peace. In return, I will bring you honor. I will shelter you. The bliss is all yours to bask on.

3. You are ubiquitous.
When you are here, you are the only thing here. When you are not, you are all the things. If you stay, you are here. If you leave, you would be here.

4. You are my definition of Wonderland.
You make me curious. Wonder, wander. You are the masterpiece of my imagination. You are a dream, yet you are real. You are too good to be true, and I wish I would never wake up from you.

5. You are the highest epitome of exquisite art.
You are classy. You give meaning to sexiness. You tease my desires. You have all the eyes in a room full of stirring. You are the abstract leaving me wanting for more of what you have. The heavens kneel to your beauty. You bring out sublime hues with every stroke. You are the perfect medium of your own artist.

6. Do not compare yourself to the Universe.
You are the skies themselves. Every color defines who and what you are. You are the ruins of the faded clouds. You are louder than hurricanes. You are more disastrous than natural calamities. Yet, you are the rays of the eminent sun. You are the calm grasses that help me breathe. You are the warm wind that caresses every inch of me. You are the moist soil that keeps me living. Of all the possible emotions that I once thought a celestial Earthling could bestow upon a used and wasted scrap, I have proven that you give more of that “haven” feeling than this chaotic place ever could.

7. You do not need me for you to be complete.
I found you at your peak. I found you at your worst. I found you when you were smiling. I looked for your hiding tears. If I ever leave you, I will not take anything. You are a hundred yourself. If I ever leave, remember that you are whole. A glass cannot be shattered just because it is beside a broken one.

8. You are a paper rose.
There are two sides of this note: One is goodness, and one is simply bad for you. Remember though, that both are acts of greatness.
First, you do not have thorns. Remember that you do not like hurting people back. Sacrifice is what you could willingly do for love. It is not a component, but you could do it for love. Pain is needed when you are in love. You can be crumpled, and it depends on how you would process that.
Second, you can be torn apart and burned. You can be hurt and crying. You can stand and be your own origami artist. You can tear yourself apart and start anew, but this time, you are not the one being written on. You are the writer.

9. Your nightmares deserve to be listened to.
Be with someone who can fix your trust issues. Love them as they love you. They should wake you up with flowers on the bed, a kiss on your forehead, and the breakfast you have always wanted. Spend your mornings with stories of your dreams and plans. Make that person listen. Make that person beg for more words. In the afternoon, you could walk on the sidewalks and on the beach. Breathe the healthy air. Make that person fall deeper into your immensity. Fall asleep in his or her arms. Fall asleep because you are comfortable. Fall asleep with him or her as your ultimate thought.

10. **Love and be loved.

Even so, we can make it against all odds.

my thoughts were clear until i wrote them
and then they werent again

she was wild,
she wanted to swim,
and she screamed,
because thats how she dived,
thats how she talked,
it was exquisite,
it was wild,
she had skin,
she had slime,
i had skin,
was it hair,
or was it fur,
i was hers,
and she was wild

i just wanted to kiss her.

One frightened part of me says
calm down, all will be well
you'll get out of this tremendous mess
everything is okay in God's will
I promise you won't even feel
your skin that once did swell.
Like stargazers on a lucid night
Like the ever-patient stars so bright
I want all my days to be quiet
All my nights to be perfect

And then another thought comes
I want to ride the tides
Embrace it with all my might
Travel the world with reckless ones
Smoke out the heavy problems
Drink not moderately, but constantly
Love unattached and infinitely.
Like storm chasers so brave
Like I don't need to be saved
I want all my days to be strong
All my nights to be long.

what hurts the most
is feeling that it's real,
how our kisses sealed
all the past lovers we had;
being the best we could be,
holding you so close to me
but realizing right after
that this was meant to happen
but not meant to last
and i knew, i just did,
that one day this could end.

I still get nervous when you're around
(And that means everyday)
When you are near, my heart is never sound
(And I still forget what to say)

My hands still get sweaty from just the idea of you
(And I could almost fill a deep pit)
I guess I never will get used to you
(And I have no intention of stopping it)

at first it was pink
the shyest color
let the feeling sink
you deserve to have more

then it turned yellow
a happy color
take away sorrow
plant me smiles once more

then red came along
the strongest color
'twas a good feeling
come on, love some more

you gave me words, too-
stored them in my core
-not one thing or two
but all hues and more

but love, as they tell,
may bring tears and pain
have i gone insane?
this is worse than hell

and so you brought me
black, white that i bore
you broke my heart, baby
i can't love no more

but i realized,
i was hurt and sore,
*got cuts from your lies,
but i couldn't have asked for more

My heart drenched in wine
Alcohol in my mind
Cigarette burns in my lungs
Drug specks in my veins

*Your wings against my chest
We are such a beautiful mess
My lips brush on your skin
Your scent enters deep within

and maybe i waited for this time,
i looked down on a wishing well,
i kneeled for hours and begged,
whispered words only i can tell

*who am i to ask for your stay
what did i do to have you this way
who am i to ask for redemption
when did i start hurting you this way

i forget that i failed my history test
i forget that the door isnt locked
i forget the movie we are watching
and i forget the big things
i forget the small things that worried me
i forget that i am sick,
used to be sick of everything around me,

all i remember is you

I almost like it when they whisper;
behind our backs, silently
It keeps them ignorant, and us betrayed
but I don't care, it is well-played
by our own actors and actresses
they are what keeps this world in distress
but I don't care, it is the only time
when they sound like
they do listen to what I say
Like wow, you remember that?
I almost like it when they stare at us;
when they judge, silently
It keeps them ignorant of what we have,
and they think we are so foolishly in love
but I don't care, it is when I realize
that yes, we really are crazy in love
I don't care because it is when I know
who cannot be here when I am low
I don't care, keep on talking about us
There are days I am happy
and nights that are melancholy
There are days that your looks can affect me
and nights that your words can stab me
I don't care, but other times I do
I don't care, but right now I do

I have you

not poetic nor romanticized

An ocean

not a metaphor

I submit to your immensity

truth and literal

Drought was here

constantly begging

I need to drown

*please let me

My problem is not the society,
it is the way your minds work.
My problem is not the school,
it is how you imprison us.
My problem is not the laws,
it is the way you interpret them.
My problem is not the people,
it is how they crave for superiority.

And don't even tell me I am too young to understand all the ******* you keep on feeding us. We know the difference between things that can empower us truly and things that are cruel.

I met her, and then all of a sudden --- God is a woman, poetry has become my religion, kissing is a sin. And I am a lustful sinner.

i love the thought
of having someone -
to be with,
to love whenever,
to be angry with,
to cherish forever
someone who can
keep up with your darkness
someone who was made for you,
who levels with your madness
a someone
who could be so dear
who would not mind if she hears
all the voices in your head
and she would even be the one
to fight those thoughts and
who will put an end

You told me before
you are my angel,
my love, my savior
and together we'll soar

Did you believe me when I
told you this that night:
to me you are the most
beautiful girl to ever exist

and i could not compare you
to anything in this world

On our last day you told me
*you were my angel,
my love, my savior
I'm sorry
   I made you soar
       alone

If only you know you are wasting that pretty face,
that scarred body,
that filled mind
and those skillful hands,
your sweet words and fake kindness

If you could only let go of the dark,
I am willing to walk you down the exit
we could be actual friends,
we could actually be true to ourselves

I remember thinking
how hard could it be?
It could be reckless
It could be magical
It could be mischievous
It could be lyrical
But whatever happens in a day,
doesn't stay in a day.
It goes on forever,
bad or good,
the memories stay with me.
Anyone around me
could easily learn
how to vaporize those thoughts
and move on,
maybe even forget.
Apart from me.
I never do.

I remember saying
maybe this is it.
This is the one for me.
Until reality hits me;
whether I am 12, 14 or 30,
I will find someone
who will light a fire in me,
but they cannot burn forever.
You see, somehow,
I still believe in that word -
Forever.
I still hope for that flawless spark.

What a flabbergast, huh?
That I am, once again,
alone tonight.

You were the Jason
to my Colbie
I fell in love
and considered myself lucky

You became the Clark
to my Lois
you saved me
and turned light to dark

Then you taught me
to fly and be better
Like Wendy
and her Peter

Like Edward to his Bella
as cheesy as it sounds
I thought it was forever
Like Ethan and Lena

But light wasn't
supposed to last
Right now I don't even know
if it ever lasts

Though Jack and Rose's
lasted for a lifetime
I am still wishing
and waiting for our time

to come again.

And so you will become
the Paige to my Leo
the Jenny to my Forrest
and soon, I hope

the Allie to my Noah.

the thing is you dont have to tell me
we're going to be forever
you dont have to tell me
we'll always be together

you dont have to tell me youre staying
you dont have to tell me what youre feeling
you dont have to shout your love
you dont have to do anything

'cause baby when our enigmatic silence floats
thats the time when i think of you
and how much of your presence
is actually there

"and like the ocean always finds the shore, like a wave i'll always come back to you"
and with me i will bring precious shells
and different colored pebbles
and the biggest rock i could carry

we get little moments together.
though we have never had a time where it's just me and you,
i always think about the tiny sparks and colossal impact;
and wonder if you write about them too.

I am scared of changing
Scared of not changing
Afraid of my past
Frightened by my own future
And I'm just waiting
and waiting
and waiting
for the dark surprises of my present

This is for the poet
the sunshine woke up today
for the poet who loves
reading two books in a day
for the poet who should
be followed, come what may

for the poet who could
see me in the dark

This is for the poet
who dreams of a quiet place
for the poet who searches
eternally for infinite solace
for the poet who looks
for a soul and stays

for the poet who could
be with me in the dark

This for the poet
who can't be beaten down
for the poet undaunted
by the laws of the crowd
for the poet who sees
through all the thick clouds

for the poet who could
save me from the dark

This is for the poet
the moon will sing goodnight
for the poet who saves
her last breath for the stars
for the poet my heart
belongs to from the start

for the poet who could
love me in the dark

our foreheads match
and onto you I am latched.
our thoughts glowing silently,
the world murmuring loudly.

whenever you close your eyes,
lean into me and sigh,
the complete charge of your existence
runs through mine and says:

i'm glad you're here,
and though everything is a mess,
you are the only thing clear.
for me, my love, you are the best.


*both souls don't have a word to say
and all they want is to run away

You know what you give me?

A year ago I would have said I would rather be in bed than in school.
Nine months ago I would have said I would rather be quiet than make a fight.
But yesterday was a starting point.
And all the other days before that were flames that needed to ignite.
Today there will only be you and me.
Right now, I don't know what I feel,
but I'll know when you come back here.
One, five, ten years from now, what would we be?

Surprise me.

Those three words have two meanings;
One is a promise,
and the other is the secret that lies in it:
Will I or will I not leave?

Those three words have two endings;
One is forever,
and the other is the pain that lies beneath it:
Will this or will this not end?

I told you
I haven't done this and that
I like breaking my curfew

I didn't ask you to break them with me,
to do those things and make them so memorable

*I didn't expect you to be here in the first place

one day i'll tell you, dear,
what you've always wanted to hear

and from that minute onwards

i wouldn't care if you tear me apart
and break my heart

you can lead me to wherever you desire
and let every moment afire

Once there was a dreamer,
all he wanted was to run,
but he cannot even walk.
He can't break free of his own chains,
the one given to him since birth.
His mother was never proud of him,
he hid in the shadows of his curtains.
His father never really said anything,
he was always busy with something.
They love him, yes,
but that was not enough.
He wants to claim his own happiness
And so in dreams he says

I want to run,
it would be my dull life's cure.
I want to taste the sun,
I have never felt pure
I am tattered,
tainted with impairment.
A ***** disable,
I want to do things
my feet cannot bear.

I need my freedom,
I need my remedy.

And so in a dream,
he felt so ready,
he didn't hear the gun start,
nor the beating of his heart
This is clarity;
his feet floated,
he was immense,
And so in reality,
when he awoke, he said
It was intense.

All I sensed was the radiating sun,
I didn't do anything but run.

I wish we could stop talking about them.

hey amor
do you know some place
where there are less restraints
and more of you

somewhere amor
where i could hold your hand
without their bullets
without their guns

hey amor
i think i know a place
and it's a huge room
full of nothing but me and you

somewhere amor
youll love it there
i could kiss your eyelids
as you tell me your dreams

hey amor
are you tired of waiting
sorry it's taking too long
i miss you too

somewhere amor
i'll bring you there
we could be lovers there
in someday, amor.

one, we met
two, we talked
three, you looked into my eyes; you smiled and it felt different
four, talked on the phone
five, talked on the phone 'til midnight
six, i shared you my weaknesses and you told me your stories
seven, we watched movies
eight, i read you my poems
nine, we held hands
ten, you started calling me baby
eleven, you hugged me
twelve, you kissed me
thirteen*, fell completely, deeply, insanely, truly in love

before the bad,
this i'll say:
if i tell you to leave
don't ever listen.
the worst will come,
darkness will eat us both.
our bliss
will be buried
in the sands
of our forgotten memories,
beneath the sad thoughts
beneath all our nightmares -
our happiness will lie.
alone and desolated -
she will sleep there hopelessly.
we cannot rescue her
it will be too late,
i know it because
it has happened before,
but until then
let's shelter ourselves
with loving hands,
silent daydreams
and genuine caresses
let's claim our everyday,
enjoy our now,
and live today



before our bad days, my love,
i'll let you know:
don't let me go,
for i know i'll tell you to.
you can't stop me,
nor i, you.
but know this, darling,
that what lies inside
this wretched mind,
though i might not say,
*i am begging for you to stay.

i tried to stop myself
from being deeply scarred again.
in literal sense,
i wanted to numb the pain,
delete the non-existent texts,
and believe in ignorance.
i thought my heart has learned its lesson
i said it feels good
because we're just starting
but know this, sweetheart,
in the end
you will regret everything.

i warned you,
but i was also reminding myself
but who was i kidding?
*Crucified Christ, I am in love again.

When I was young I have been told
that we should be saved for someone
Reserved for all our teenage years
Get a job, hold my life together
Maybe get a car, or buy a house
Be able to pay back my parents for all that they have done
And then maybe, one day, get married

They taught me to never
give my body to just anyone
And even if I wanted to,
I couldn't
There were always friends and parents
I could get a kiss from time to time
But I could never show my naked body
There were always friends and parents

So instead,
I showed my eyes
And my lips
And he showed me his teeth
And his hands
I showed him my fingers and cheeks
My corners
And he showed me the back of his neck, eyelashes
His edges
My holy ground

When our hands entwine,
We are making love
When we get coffee on a sunny afternoon,
We are making love
When I am on the other side of the room
And our eyes meet
And we smile,
We are making love