I have been to a few places in this lifetime. Very few, in fact, for someone who has this huge, innate desire to travel the world. I was about five when I started going to school. I didn’t last a week. I was there for three days, the daycare. I couldn’t stand it.

My dad liked driving us to vacation spots every summer. Or whenever Holy Week comes, and we need to go to at least seven churches. I was thirteen when I transferred schools. I hated it, of course. I was never into school, though I never actually failed a course. In that ugly city, I loved you. It was where we met, and I think I would have hated it much more if you weren’t there. We used to kiss in bathroom stalls, in your room, in our friend’s brother’s room -- I loved you there, too.

It was my first time being up in a Ferris wheel the night you left. I loved you there, as much as I wanted to push away the new you and pull out the old you when we reached the peak of the ride. I loved you there so much that it hurt. I went to university at sixteen. I was alone in a city full of dreams. I saw you everywhere even though you were never there.

At this point, I know -- I just do -- I can love you anywhere.

How was your day? I hope it was bad. I hope nobody gave you flowers, nor chocolates, nor made you happy. Or better yet, I hope someone did, and then I passed your mind - just a little. Like tiny ants, creeping in, slowly, and then all at once - ultimately ruining the soft sweetness.

I hope you had the worst day.

We were kids.
I am getting the feeling that I would say that one day.
Defense mechanism, I think, I could develop.
It is in the back of my mind.
It would be a shame to say, I know.
I would degrade all my relationships into something so small, so inconvenient, so… young, that it would mean nothing at all.

We were kids.
And I did not know what I was doing.

We were kids.
And I wasn’t supposed to fall in love at that age, and maybe I wasn’t.
Maybe I was merely confused, driven by trends, and friends, and hormones, and the idea of falling in love.
Maybe I was teaching myself, trying to make ourselves believe - both you and I - that we were in love, that this is love, in one way or another; but perhaps, in all ways, we just were not.

We were kids.
And now I’ve grown into something far more beautiful than being young.

I am in this place now, where nothing is wrong, and if there is, it is not about you anymore.
I am in this place now, where things are not as big as they seem, so when they topple all over me, I get hurt but do not cry anymore.
I am in this place now, where youth is vintage, forgetting is easy.
I am in this place now, beyond somewhere I could have imagined when I was daydreaming at fifteen - inside a classroom, passing notes in Math class.
I am in this place now, where I could say that it was foolish and exhilarating and beautiful.

We were kids. We were just kids.
(I made myself believe that.)

in times like this – when i want to tell you a story, something, maybe every detail of today – where should i go?

i shouldn't – in all sense of the phrase – make it to you. i shouldn't. but this is it.

this is the snow from the road i managed to shovel aside;

this is the coffee i never intended on spilling (maybe i did want it to happen, deep inside of me there was an urge – maybe once, twice, multiple times);

these are the words i tried to stop from spewing.

so if you're reading this, i'm sorry – i expected this, though i never intended to – i miss you.

there is never a perfect night
only a perfect moment
only a perfect photo
only a perfect laughter
only a perfect embrace
only a perfect smile
only a perfect drink
only a perfect joke
only a perfect kiss
only a perfect cry
only a perfect speech
only a perfect word
only a perfect promise
only a perfect love

but never a perfect night

sinabi ko na ang lahat ng gusto kong sabihin
itinago mo na rin marahil ang lahat ng sulat kong nagkalat lang dati sa kwarto mo

tiniyak na nating hindi na tayo mag-uusap
tiniyak na nating hindi na tayo magkikita

ito na ang tuldok sa lahat ng tulang inakala nating walang katapusan.

i want to ask how you are.

i forget that i failed my history test
i forget that the door isnt locked
i forget the movie we are watching
and i forget the big things
i forget the small things that worried me
i forget that i am sick,
used to be sick of everything around me,

all i remember is you

ngayon ko lang napansin. sobrang dami ko palang isinulat para sa'yo. ngayon ko lang napansin na lahat sila galing sa mga katabi kong diksyonaryo at tesauro. malay ko ba kung ano ang ibig sabihin ng mga isinulat ko. lumalaki pa lamang ako. ngayon pa lang natututong makipagtalastasan, makipagbalagtasan, makipagsagutan, makipag-away. ngayon pa lang akong natututong maghintay at ngayon pa lang nasusugatan. ngayon ko lang nalaman ang tunay na ibig sabihin ng paniniwala. paniniwala sa pagkahulog, paniniwala sa kung anumang gusto kong paniwalaan. paniniwala na meron ka pang mapapaniwalaan dito sa mundo. kapit ka, subukan mo. ngayon pa lang akong nagtitiwalang muli. ngayon pa lang nagpapatawad. ngayon pa lang nakakapagsabi ng 'mahal kita', nang walang pagdududa at walang pagsisisi. mahal ko talaga sila. ngayon ko pa lang nararamdaman ang tunay na pag-ibig. ngayon ko pa lang nakikita kung paano magmahal ang isang taong nasasaktan. ngayon pa lang ako nakakita ng taong durog at winasak ng panahon — marahil dati puro sa teleserye ko lang ito napapanood. noong pumunta kami sa isang museo, napakaraming uri ng sining na maaari **** makita. may mga head busts, paintings, sculptures, pati mga ginamit ng mga pintador na brushes at pati na rin mga natuyong pintura nila. tinignan ko lahat iyon. umabot ng halos labindalawang oras ang pag-iikot ko. walang kain-kain. kinailangan kong makita lahat. ngunit ngayon ko lang napagtanto na iisa lang naman 'yung gusto ko talagang makita. ('yung spolarium.) ngayon lang ako nakarinig ng mga taong wala talagang kamuang-muang sa mundo. 'yung tipo ng taong nakaupo sa ginto ngunit talagang lumaking tanga. nakakaawa sila. ngayon ko pa lang pinapangaralan 'yung sarili ko. kanina nga lang ako nagsabi sa sarili na hindi na ako kakain ng fast food at processed food. (seryoso. nakakamatay talaga sila.) sa pagkamatay ng nakaraan, noon ko lang nasabi sa sarili ko na gusto ko pa talagang mabuhay. gusto ko pang makakita. gusto ko pang makaramdam.

ngayon pa lang ako natututong magsulat.

she was wild,
she wanted to swim,
and she screamed,
because thats how she dived,
thats how she talked,
it was exquisite,
it was wild,
she had skin,
she had slime,
i had skin,
was it hair,
or was it fur,
i was hers,
and she was wild

i just wanted to kiss her.

hey amor
do you know some place
where there are less restraints
and more of you

somewhere amor
where i could hold your hand
without their bullets
without their guns

hey amor
i think i know a place
and it's a huge room
full of nothing but me and you

somewhere amor
youll love it there
i could kiss your eyelids
as you tell me your dreams

hey amor
are you tired of waiting
sorry it's taking too long
i miss you too

somewhere amor
i'll bring you there
we could be lovers there
in someday, amor.

So I've been talking to a few nice people on the internet. We had casual small talks. What's your name? How old are you? Where do you live? I've been telling you that they annoy me, but they keep me company. Some of them are English, one is French. I've been learning languages including French, by the way. You've just been so busy, too busy.

Where do you live? And I can't help but think of how you wanted me to take you home that night but it was so late and we were in our uniforms and I needed to go home; I declined. I let go of your hand, your tiny hand (calling it tiny makes you frown, and you're cute when you frown). I let go of those hands that could only fit with mine. That night... That night, up there, where we watched the sun take its last dreadful glimpse on us. That beautiful night when we felt the wind turn from hot and sticky to warm and nice. That night when you took a mental picture of me laughing. You told me that that night was enough to make you happy for the rest of your short life. You said you are almost certain that you would leave me first. You said that the last one who will die would grow old and visit that same place and cry. That night... That night, up there, you asked me once to not let it end. But it did. I live there.

How old are you? It was raining. It was pouring, so **** hard. Was there a storm signal, I'll never know. I didn't care. I used to sit by the windows and count every raindrop. There was a moment in my life where I thought that playing while it is raining is childish but dancing in the rain is adult stuff. I used to imagine how couples kiss under their umbrellas and how it is possible to forget that they have umbrellas. I used to picture it in my small, childish and immature head that I will someday, hopefully, have someone who could be silly with me. The adult type of silly. It was raining. It was raining so hard. But your hands were light and you were a feather. Gliding with me through the courses of those strong winds. Your hands were in my hands and I finally know why men feel like they could conquer the world all by themselves. We were laughing, like those lovers in the movie under the streetlights. And we were holding hands. You were pulling me and you were holding my hands and we were running and it was raining and I lost track of how many raindrops have poured now because I think it's not raining anymore but I do know that you're still smiling giddily like we did something that is only ours to know and I think I have seen my rainbow and it's running and it's pulling my hand towards our silver lining and it's so ******* beautiful. It's so ******* beautiful. It was magnificent. And I didn't realize, I didn't realize this until that moment --- that astounding, outstanding, amazing, tragamagazingzing --- that marvelous, marvelous moment: I was childishly, hopelessly, truly, madly deeply falling in love with you (yes! like that song! from that silly old movie!). I was falling in love with you over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over --- That was a lot of raindrops. I was sixteen.

What's your name? Oh god. Oh ****. Oh god. Oh ****. ****. ****. ****. ****, ****, ****, ****. What do I say? I could tell you a lot of things but all I do is listen to country songs and go to that country singer's concerts... Oh well that was lame. Was that lame? Did I really say that out loud? I think I did. I don't think I look like your best friend though. I'm usually quiet. Yes, I have a scar on my face. Oh you don't like my name? Why so? Sure you can call me by my other name. I have a nickname, but only close people call me--- Okay. You can call me by my nickname. No, I don't know him. Am I really that quiet? He must be nice. Yeah I like brown eyes too but I'm trying to seek other colors now. Oh that's why you don't like my name. I'm sorry, but I promise you that's not how love works. I met this person once and she was my heaven and hell. But yeah, you know, I wasn't enough. Nah, you don't have to tell me that. She already made me feel like ****, anyway. It's okay. Ah, yes I write. Do you want to see? It's okay, but I don't really like showing these to people. I showed it to that guy though. He's really nice. Yeah you can read them. I write random stuff. Alright, I'll see you later. Good morning to you too! Hello. You seem a bit off. How are you? You okay? I don't believe you. Define okay? Oh you have a nice smile. I guess it's okay, dimples aren't that cute to me. I've had this scar since I was in prep-school. I didn't really notice those freckles before, but thanks. Oops, hey careful there. Oh sorry I held your waist. It's okay. Are you okay? Define okay? Alright, laters. You're really cute when you smile (and I swear I could hear my heart flutter when you say metaphorical things.) Wait what? Did I really just say that out loud? Oh thank God. Wait, no. Oh. ****. ****, ****, ****, ****. Let me write this down. Let me write about this. Uh. Sure. You can read it. I won't mind. Okay maybe read it later when you're at home. Yes that's a better idea. Read it at home. When I am not there to watch your reaction and probably make a fool out of myself. Hi. Good morning to you too. I know. Yes that's what I said. Hello. Was it weird? I know. Yes, sweetheart, that was for you. You said that already. Hi again. I'm okay. I'm yours.

I wish we could have our casual small talks again. I guess I'll never be too busy to remind myself, and to remind you, that you are missing from me.

I met her, and then all of a sudden --- God is a woman, poetry has become my religion, kissing is a sin. And I am a lustful sinner.

"and like the ocean always finds the shore, like a wave i'll always come back to you"
and with me i will bring precious shells
and different colored pebbles
and the biggest rock i could carry

When I was young I have been told
that we should be saved for someone
Reserved for all our teenage years
Get a job, hold my life together
Maybe get a car, or buy a house
Be able to pay back my parents for all that they have done
And then maybe, one day, get married

They taught me to never
give my body to just anyone
And even if I wanted to,
I couldn't
There were always friends and parents
I could get a kiss from time to time
But I could never show my naked body
There were always friends and parents

So instead,
I showed my eyes
And my lips
And he showed me his teeth
And his hands
I showed him my fingers and cheeks
My corners
And he showed me the back of his neck, eyelashes
His edges
My holy ground

When our hands entwine,
We are making love
When we get coffee on a sunny afternoon,
We are making love
When I am on the other side of the room
And our eyes meet
And we smile,
We are making love

one night at 1:43
i doubted you
i blamed the past seas
i shouted at the moon;
maybe i don't love you
maybe i just couldn't
maybe i was meant for you
maybe this was destined
maybe our fate would someday end
and maybe it would be tragic as hell
maybe you and i are both heaven-sent
but one day -maybe, just maybe- i would be just another story to tell.

"I have loved a girl
whose mind is chaotic
she cannot decide on who to be with
but i still adored her dark side
even when it was so hard to keep up
she changes faster than a sunset
but loves deeper than the endless horizon
she is happy when i am happy
we were one
and we were in love"

.1. You are my paradox.
You are my strength. You are my weakness. You are my sunshine. You are my rain. You are my everything. You are my nothing. You are my high. You are my low. You are a pain. You are my solace. You are my light. You are my darkness. You are mine. You are not.

2. I am your kingdom. You are my ruler.
Surround me with your majesty. Protect me with all your might. Bravely fight for me. Let no one conquer your space. Own me, your colony, and never give me up. Give me peace. In return, I will bring you honor. I will shelter you. The bliss is all yours to bask on.

3. You are ubiquitous.
When you are here, you are the only thing here. When you are not, you are all the things. If you stay, you are here. If you leave, you would be here.

4. You are my definition of Wonderland.
You make me curious. Wonder, wander. You are the masterpiece of my imagination. You are a dream, yet you are real. You are too good to be true, and I wish I would never wake up from you.

5. You are the highest epitome of exquisite art.
You are classy. You give meaning to sexiness. You tease my desires. You have all the eyes in a room full of stirring. You are the abstract leaving me wanting for more of what you have. The heavens kneel to your beauty. You bring out sublime hues with every stroke. You are the perfect medium of your own artist.

6. Do not compare yourself to the Universe.
You are the skies themselves. Every color defines who and what you are. You are the ruins of the faded clouds. You are louder than hurricanes. You are more disastrous than natural calamities. Yet, you are the rays of the eminent sun. You are the calm grasses that help me breathe. You are the warm wind that caresses every inch of me. You are the moist soil that keeps me living. Of all the possible emotions that I once thought a celestial Earthling could bestow upon a used and wasted scrap, I have proven that you give more of that “haven” feeling than this chaotic place ever could.

7. You do not need me for you to be complete.
I found you at your peak. I found you at your worst. I found you when you were smiling. I looked for your hiding tears. If I ever leave you, I will not take anything. You are a hundred yourself. If I ever leave, remember that you are whole. A glass cannot be shattered just because it is beside a broken one.

8. You are a paper rose.
There are two sides of this note: One is goodness, and one is simply bad for you. Remember though, that both are acts of greatness.
First, you do not have thorns. Remember that you do not like hurting people back. Sacrifice is what you could willingly do for love. It is not a component, but you could do it for love. Pain is needed when you are in love. You can be crumpled, and it depends on how you would process that.
Second, you can be torn apart and burned. You can be hurt and crying. You can stand and be your own origami artist. You can tear yourself apart and start anew, but this time, you are not the one being written on. You are the writer.

9. Your nightmares deserve to be listened to.
Be with someone who can fix your trust issues. Love them as they love you. They should wake you up with flowers on the bed, a kiss on your forehead, and the breakfast you have always wanted. Spend your mornings with stories of your dreams and plans. Make that person listen. Make that person beg for more words. In the afternoon, you could walk on the sidewalks and on the beach. Breathe the healthy air. Make that person fall deeper into your immensity. Fall asleep in his or her arms. Fall asleep because you are comfortable. Fall asleep with him or her as your ultimate thought.

10. **Love and be loved.

i tried to stop myself
from being deeply scarred again.
in literal sense,
i wanted to numb the pain,
delete the non-existent texts,
and believe in ignorance.
i thought my heart has learned its lesson
i said it feels good
because we're just starting
but know this, sweetheart,
in the end
you will regret everything.

i warned you,
but i was also reminding myself
but who was i kidding?
*Crucified Christ, I am in love again.

i have been living
with the thought that
i have already made myself happy
i have already seen the end
of all those nights in depression,
those days of darkness
but i guess,
it's true what they say,
that love is for the weak people
who needs someone
so they could live.

now i think
i never really ran away
from all the lows of my past
they are still here
and they haunt me
by means of you.

i just realized that
on that same night,
when she gave up on me,
i gave up on myself too.

He cheers me up,
he makes me happy
and when you're not here,
he tells me he loves me.

*He loves me.
He loves me a lot.
He loves me.
He loves me even more.

I remember thinking
how hard could it be?
It could be reckless
It could be magical
It could be mischievous
It could be lyrical
But whatever happens in a day,
doesn't stay in a day.
It goes on forever,
bad or good,
the memories stay with me.
Anyone around me
could easily learn
how to vaporize those thoughts
and move on,
maybe even forget.
Apart from me.
I never do.

I remember saying
maybe this is it.
This is the one for me.
Until reality hits me;
whether I am 12, 14 or 30,
I will find someone
who will light a fire in me,
but they cannot burn forever.
You see, somehow,
I still believe in that word -
Forever.
I still hope for that flawless spark.

What a flabbergast, huh?
That I am, once again,
alone tonight.

I want to stop living in the past
My princess I found you at last
I'm scared you'll one day leave
Darkness is all I believe
I met you now but still cry
I just feel we'll have our goodbye
I want you to know I love you so
Every moment of tomorrow
I am in love with all your soul
Every minute of our love fall
Here we are,
under all the stars
Beneath the watching constellations
Connected by vibrations
Hello, my baby
Can't be there, I'm sorry
My faithful love of May,
I like hearing you say
You want me to be your safety
I know,
I just know,
Someday you'll be home with me

Mom asked me about you today
and
Jesus, I didn't know what to say.

Once there was a dreamer,
all he wanted was to run,
but he cannot even walk.
He can't break free of his own chains,
the one given to him since birth.
His mother was never proud of him,
he hid in the shadows of his curtains.
His father never really said anything,
he was always busy with something.
They love him, yes,
but that was not enough.
He wants to claim his own happiness
And so in dreams he says

I want to run,
it would be my dull life's cure.
I want to taste the sun,
I have never felt pure
I am tattered,
tainted with impairment.
A ***** disable,
I want to do things
my feet cannot bear.

I need my freedom,
I need my remedy.

And so in a dream,
he felt so ready,
he didn't hear the gun start,
nor the beating of his heart
This is clarity;
his feet floated,
he was immense,
And so in reality,
when he awoke, he said
It was intense.

All I sensed was the radiating sun,
I didn't do anything but run.

I have you

not poetic nor romanticized

An ocean

not a metaphor

I submit to your immensity

truth and literal

Drought was here

constantly begging

I need to drown

*please let me

before the bad,
this i'll say:
if i tell you to leave
don't ever listen.
the worst will come,
darkness will eat us both.
our bliss
will be buried
in the sands
of our forgotten memories,
beneath the sad thoughts
beneath all our nightmares -
our happiness will lie.
alone and desolated -
she will sleep there hopelessly.
we cannot rescue her
it will be too late,
i know it because
it has happened before,
but until then
let's shelter ourselves
with loving hands,
silent daydreams
and genuine caresses
let's claim our everyday,
enjoy our now,
and live today



before our bad days, my love,
i'll let you know:
don't let me go,
for i know i'll tell you to.
you can't stop me,
nor i, you.
but know this, darling,
that what lies inside
this wretched mind,
though i might not say,
*i am begging for you to stay.

One frightened part of me says
calm down, all will be well
you'll get out of this tremendous mess
everything is okay in God's will
I promise you won't even feel
your skin that once did swell.
Like stargazers on a lucid night
Like the ever-patient stars so bright
I want all my days to be quiet
All my nights to be perfect

And then another thought comes
I want to ride the tides
Embrace it with all my might
Travel the world with reckless ones
Smoke out the heavy problems
Drink not moderately, but constantly
Love unattached and infinitely.
Like storm chasers so brave
Like I don't need to be saved
I want all my days to be strong
All my nights to be long.

there will come a time
when it will feel like we're standing
so close to the edge,
but I know -
I just do
- that we will jump down
into that deep void,
(maybe because of too much bravery)
scream our lungs out,
and make a big splash...

we didnt know
what was down there,
but we both knew
that somehow -
just maybe
- it was worth the risk.

*and it was

This is for the poet
the sunshine woke up today
for the poet who loves
reading two books in a day
for the poet who should
be followed, come what may

for the poet who could
see me in the dark

This is for the poet
who dreams of a quiet place
for the poet who searches
eternally for infinite solace
for the poet who looks
for a soul and stays

for the poet who could
be with me in the dark

This for the poet
who can't be beaten down
for the poet undaunted
by the laws of the crowd
for the poet who sees
through all the thick clouds

for the poet who could
save me from the dark

This is for the poet
the moon will sing goodnight
for the poet who saves
her last breath for the stars
for the poet my heart
belongs to from the start

for the poet who could
love me in the dark

our foreheads match
and onto you I am latched.
our thoughts glowing silently,
the world murmuring loudly.

whenever you close your eyes,
lean into me and sigh,
the complete charge of your existence
runs through mine and says:

i'm glad you're here,
and though everything is a mess,
you are the only thing clear.
for me, my love, you are the best.


*both souls don't have a word to say
and all they want is to run away

I am scared of changing
Scared of not changing
Afraid of my past
Frightened by my own future
And I'm just waiting
and waiting
and waiting
for the dark surprises of my present

: "You are beautiful."
: "You are so blessed, you know that?"
: "I'm jealous because you have everything."
: "You have a radiant smile."
: "You are a treasure."
: "You are important to me."
: "I miss you."
: "You are enough."

We were laying on our backs
Different parks
Different cities
But I felt your electricity
The damp grass under us
The starry skies up there
And a lot of stories to share
Silence filled the dark
Buzzing vibrations
Quiet distant pulses
I wish this promising wind
Would bring you my voice

*I wish you lived near
I wish you are here
I wish I could give you the moon
I wish I could see you soon
I wish I could catch you stars
And embrace you for hours
I wish I could be your man
Give smiles when nobody can
Kisses in the morning
Picnics in spring
I wish you could hear my words
Believe that for you I have yearned
And even if I get nothing in return
I'd give you the whole world

why do i even ask myself how someone could be so afraid of losing something like me

He said *come on
let's drink some more
get out of this place
and watch our feet sore
we'll be young and reckless
i'll bring you into this mess
but i promise,
baby, i promise
that tonight will be your best

I wish we could stop talking about them.

I'll inhale more oxygen
and keep them inside me.
I'll wait for you to open,
but until then,
please let me be:
the air that will embrace you,
the one who misses you,
the phone you'll talk to
until the sunlight
meets your eyes.
let me die with you;
if you need redemption,
i wish i could be
the girl who saves you
from all the tears,
from your life's disarray
and help you forget
the pain that took
the old you away.
I will raze your chaos
and make them mine.
I will claim your mess
and gather all the signs
just to have a reason
to stay for another while.

you tell me i dont understand you like i never spent my 3 AM with you
you tell me i dont know a thing about you like i have never met your chaos
you tell me i dont see you like i have never heard your morning voice
you tell me i dont know anything about you like all the years we spent were blank pages of your past

i would very much appreciate
if you would stop comparing yourself to others
and being so crazily in love with your loneliness and depression

I have drowned
willingly
for the third time
and hopefully
the last