Intensify my thoughts.
Make the unseasonable thing in life delightful.
Untangle my interlaced knots.
When you are exposed will you be spiteful?
The heart of mine is leaking
Accept my unmet qualities that you see.
The heart of yours is peeking
Please don't wag away from me.

Instead be fain to stay,
And see what will become of this lovely day.

The fire is lit
The rain irrelevant.
People surrounding trying to bring upon the burs,
But the fire unalterable.
Toasting the air with every deep inhale.
You assure me with your warmth
We see the spark of every enduring flame
The cold chill of winter ceased to exist
Nothing can rid the fiery heat
of this beautiful fireplace of each other.

The pain is exhilarating.
It feels as though my body has sunken into a dull state.
With one word my skin can crumble.
I am distant from the reality of myself.
I can go to a bad place.
A place where I'm comfortable
Simply because there's nothing to be comfortable about.
I can go away.
It may be called bad,
But it feels so empty
It's full.

You hand me flowers
I giggle in glee

You say you love me
I trust in you

You show me the world
I gasp in awe

You care for me through the worst
I feel nothing but comfort

The flowers died
The ones you gave me.

You left me cold
You're love was not true.

You took my all
Then you cut me with your saw.

The worst was yet to come
I've never been so hurt.

You told me you loved me more
I showed you the meaning of more.

What I say:
I love your new haircut
Did you get your eyebrows done?
Are those new shoes?
It's been so long wow!
You look so good in that shirt!
What are you doing this weekend?
What'd you get on that Algebra test?

What I want to say:
Are you insecure?
What do you think about the sky and all it's colors?
What do you think about late at night before you drift in to perfect sleep?
What makes your heart sing and tingle?

Small talk is for the simple minded
The depth of a conversation can change the world
Expand your horizons
Don't stop at the water, keep swimming
Dive into your heart
Feel my presence
Work to understand the humans
And don't just stop,
Keep looking

Question: What do you do if your car crashes?
Answer: Don't crash your car.

I drove myself home from the hospital the morning after I drove myself insane.
A note in my hand listing ways the doctors could direct to get me home safe from my own self.
Come to a full stop at sharp edges,
Steer away from liquids you can drown in,
Put in your caution lights so people just drive around you,
Take your medicine,
Don't drive alone,
No not that medicine
Here's a phone number in case you have something worth saying,
Bus to class,
Unless that's too hard.
Flunk out
Call your mother.
Don't tell her everything.
And it becomes a challenge just to say I'm not okay.

Because after a disaster like mine,
No one wants to hear you haven't healed yet.

And I can't count the number of times I've been offered a vaccine instead of a remedy,
and scoffed at when the cast comes off and I'm still a little too broken.
As if I haven't healed fast enough.

Don't tell me I'm being overdramatic,
Don't tell me I chose the broken glass,
the bending steal.
That it was all avoidable had I just not blinked,
Had I just slowed down and stopped to think
Had I just snapped out of it.

I wouldn't have crashed.

Question: Have you ever gone driving in the rain?
In the snow?
Cause then you might know how it feels to lose just a little bit of control.
And the next moment find yourself in the bottom of a ditch,
waiting once again for someone to pull you from the wreckage
Because you can't save yourself.

I wanna save myself.  
And I don't need to know how the engine works.
Just teach me to read the warning signs when I'm heading south and there's no way for me to turn around.  
Let me know that when I start to let go, there are safety nets 'cause sometimes my mind is more of a balancing act, the bridge accident than a joy ride
So give me air bags,
give me seat belts,
Give me a crash test dummy.

If I cut the brake lines, show me how to coast to a stop.

Because people cannot live in a plastic bubble, rolling around at 5 mph for the rest of our lives,
repeating caution signs:
Don't blink,
Don't breath,
Don't move,
Don't freeze,
Don't drive,
Don't park,
Don't live.
Don't tell me don't tell me don't tell me
this is defensive living

Sometimes veering off the road, eyes shut tight on a straightaway covered in obstacles bigger than ourselves is the best we can do to survive.

Question: What do you do if your car crashes?
Answer: Just crash your car.

I miss hearing you excitedly explain your dreams about Bill Murray saving your life
I miss hearing you explain why you never take Advil
I miss hearing your voice slur "what" and "hmm" together in a way only you could,

asking a question and simultaneously thinking about it too.

I miss telling you about why my mom takes the scissors out of my room.
I miss telling you "sorry i called last night" when i got drunk and you
weren't around,

(even though that never really stopped)

I miss my heart forgetting how to work every time we were together,
like morse code through my body pounding the scaredest possible "wow"

I miss you telling me "You're the worst" with a cocky smile.
I miss lying under the stars with you,
just looking while our friends made out beside us,
my neck uncomfortably on your arm because i was too shy to lie on your chest.

I miss sitting on your lap and worrying I would crush you,
and you reassuring me out of pride that I wouldn't,
that I couldn't.

I miss that day when we were drunk in you're best friends bed,
I was too scarred to kiss you so I just giggled,
and too drunk to remember how it eventually happened

I miss you making me feel small and beautiful and wanted.
I miss you making me feel big in a different way than my height ever could.