I am building sandcastles out
of the love letters you
will one day write me.

Some sand will blown away,
and these become unspoken
promises and silent words
hanging in the air
between us.

We will build our
sandcastle to be beautiful.

And we will build it to
inevitably wash away.

don't ever tell me that you
were never mine.

when for months on end
when you couldn't sleep
you texted me at 3:00 a.m.

i would stay awake for
you and talk you down
from whatever hell was
occurring in your mind.

some nights you wouldn't
text me. and I would
stay up anyway,

writing obituaries all
night long.

tell me again why
we wouldn't work.

because you are smiling,
and I am smiling,

and happiness is
not a given.

sometimes when i
look at you
i think,
maybe i was
born to tell you
how beautiful
you are.

maybe.

i believe in you and i believe that the world stops and breathes for a moment once every july and i believe that the pictures tucked between my journals pages can sum me up better than these words and i believe that you are my favorite place to visit and i believe if you listen really hard at the top of a ferris wheel you can hear God whispering lullabies and i believe that the valentines we made as children are the most authentic and i believe that you taught me how to feel again and i believe the later at night it gets the more restless the soul becomes and i believe that i will find you within myself if i look hard enough and i believe that your heart beat is the prettiest music and i believe that you are not everything i always wanted, but what I need now.

you are my fuzzy vision when I stand up too quickly.
you are the sweetness at the bottom of my hot chocolate.
you are peaches and plums and black berries.
you are my sixth grade secret and my tenth grade regret.
you are bitten nails and shaking hands and warm hugs and soft skin.

when you are next to me I try to breathe you in.
and when you are far away I try to find you in these words.
I try to find you in your photos.

I can always find you in the song we listened to while you told me you were falling apart.
I see you in the picture of you smiling I took of you the day you told me you weren't sure that you would be alright.
When I look at a clock I can hear you whispering that you want to die into my ear as I tried to hold all your pieces together. tight. tight. tight.

I drive away from you, shivering.
the spring sun was deceiving,
I thought it would be warmer today.
but the cold cuts through the air like the words you only ever implied.
because I told you I loved you today and you told me that you had to pick between two 'perfections'.
and you knew her skin first.

wet blurred eyes, freezing over,
i slam on my brakes.
baby deer are scattered among the
road and field adjacent to the street.

and this is the second time I feel
guilty for existing today.