Your  touch lingers

Its that feeling of bugs in your bed
An unwelcome crawling

Bugs that go where they want
Taking home in the darkest of places

Laying their eggs as reminders
Reminders of memories i don’t have


Reminders of unwelcome hands
Reminders of the pest you are

You linger like a pest
But no amount of chemicals can rid me of you

No bug treatment can erase my memory of you

its that awful feeling of waking up
blindfold off and lights that shine too bright
memories come in a flash
sickness comes in waves
closed eyes, counting breaths
bad tasting breaths
truth screams shrill and harsh
face scrunched in confusion
hands in fists fighting for memory
too awake but longing for sleep
emotions dulled, colors bright
remembering the beautiful day
longing for a memoryless night

sketch ups and coffee cups
a gentleman with craftsman's hands
a Ryan Gossling in a cheap  blazer
lofty dreams and hard labor
early mornings with coffee cups
late nights with endless sketch ups
eyes tired from late nights
a fairy tale and the knight
a nervous smile at pin up
pat on the back to cheer up
no cream but to sugars
the autumn chill creates shivers
early mornings with sunrises
just kids in architect guises
a love for paper and her
for  SIM and for him
fueled by coffee cups
and early morning sketch ups

I never understood love being a drug
but i get it, i know you are no good
that everytime i get high
I know, I know i should
say no and tell you good bye
but you mean well
my friends watch in worry
as I bleed by heart out for you
I watch and i wait
wondering if i fell for your bait
if i'm just a pretty face
I give and give and all you do is take
I won't be mad, not one who hates
so i come back, and back, and back again
to your toxic love of more than a friend

they say that alcohol releases another side of you
to say the things you wouldn't say sober
to feel more or feel nothing
to bold while faded
it's intoxicating

perhaps that's why I am drawn to you
your presence challenges me
challenges me to be bold and be me
the thrill is intoxicating
but you're gentle arms invite me
like the warm feeling the liquor gives me
but then you turn cold and sour
I'm left confused and feeling hungover

and it was just a kiss
a quick peck on the lips right?
I shouldn't be so upset
but hell, I don't now what's worse
the memories or  words
both haunted me filling my head with lies
lead to trouble with other guys

you see, I eventually found someone, someone good
I found my first real boyfriend
I told him what had happened
he said he promised he'd never do that to me
and for a time it was true, everything was fine

but then he decided to test the waters
wade into the deep end, but I couldn't swim
I lost my breath, thrashed searching for air
digging nails for a grip on reality
and we continued this dangerous dance
but I made the music stop, said no
said I've had enough
he took my naivety and fear he told me
"It's okay, I've got you"
"if we do this enough you'll get used to it"
had the audacity to say "what about my needs"


and at that point, I went numb
I know it's dumb but it's easier
it is easier to hold my tongue and face it
than it is to speak and hold my ground
just to be buried beneath it
he pushed lines, lines that were set from day one
saw them as suggestive speed limits rather than stop signs
so he slowed down, did a drive by
he drove into me and away with confidence and any remaining pride

it got to the point where makeup couldn't hide cuts
laughter couldn't hide tears
he smothered the light from me
I began to fancy the idea of cars colliding with trees
curled up, head on my knees

my saving grace was my friends
I thank them for showing me sense
and with sweating palms and teary eyes
I painfully, finally, called it quits
it had become so much more than a kiss

they will say it was "just a kiss"
I know because I said it too

I was 12, only in seventh grade
and in case you were wondering,
I wore gray jeans, a black sweater, and boots
let's be honest we all went through a goth phase or two
and he, he was dark and mysterious
the bad boy type every pre-teen girl swoons over
I was the good girl, straight A's and naive
hell, it's beginning to sound like a fairy tale
but it wasn't, see I said "no"
this would be the first of many ignored "no"s

we were waiting for the bus
no, we were not alone. not just us
and he told me "just a kiss goodbye"
I said no, "no please just go"
but instead, he cornered me
and how could I ever fight back
he was 5'10 I was barely five feet
I tried to duck away
he took his hands forced me to stay
I turned my head looking anywhere but him
he took his hand made me face him
said "but I like you" I said "please, no thank you"
he tried again, I turned and said "NO"
and there we were, just a kiss
and with that, he left a smirk across his face
I looked to my friend, he saw it all happen
didn't say a single thing
one boy yelled "****"
but no one listened

I ran to the bathroom, back to the stall
silent sobs echoing off tile walls
I rubbed my lips, scrubbed them raw
rinsed my mouth with soap and water
just to wash it away hoping that,
maybe if I scrub hard enough It didn't happen

but it did

and I reminded when I called it quits
gathered the bravery to say we are done
and he responded with "you'll pay for this ***"
the next day I was greeted with
****, *****, thirsty, ****
he told everyone I asked for it
He said I liked it rough
I retaliated but his word was worth more than mine
but tell me how can I like it rough
I didn't even know what that meant
that was just the beginning
it all started wth just a kiss