I leave the lights on,
it's better that way

I tear my heart in two,
hoping it will make you stay

your fingerprints singe my skin,
evidence that we once were

together

I wrap my arms around myself.
pretending they're yours

and

f a d e a w a y

without you

light slips through a crack
and for a moment I believe
that there is hope

until it is eclipsed by night
and I revert back to believing
in nothing

we are forever
falling back
into the ghosts
of who we
were

wrapping our wounds
in our history, as if
the past can heal
as much as it
can hurt

we are never
moving forwards
merely slipping softly
into the patterns
of yesterday

The curve of your spine is etched

into the fabric of my memory

the arteries of my heart

the wrinkles of my fingerprints

and the words that catch in my throat

when I try to say

“I love you”

my fingerprints unlock a world

of magic and mystery

when they brush lightly against your spine,

the curve is stunning, ancient architecture

that could take away my breath,

a sacred temple of wisdom lives at its base,

each vertebrae aches with longing

and lust,

but I only feel these things with my fingers,

my heart isn’t in it

He said;

“It’s not like you have
a serious mental illness.”

and after I told him to “*******!”

I wondered if he was right

after all,

I’ve only tried to **** myself

(twice)

maybe three time’s the charm

I’ve only been bed bound
by a crippling darkness

that eats light with a ravenous hunger

I have only felt my heart
explode in my chest

with the utter certainty
that I was dying

I have only conversed
with spirits and demons

(the fun ones are the ones
that love you back!)

maybe he’s right

maybe I’m sane

or maybe...

memories linger like
fingerprints on my skin

a reflection in the mirror
echoes back to late nights

spent cradling a whiskey
bottle and twirling a brightly

lit cigarette

they whisper in my dreams
haunting the silence with

screams

every moment shadowed
by the ghost of you

It's five-thirty
when I walk
barefoot and
hesitant

eyes wide open
against the
dark

towards the place
I last kissed
you

I can hear
your lungs
lift and fall

lift and fall

like I fell
for you

I am wearing
one of your
shirts

it's sleeves hang
loose

I can almost
wrap them
around me
twice

my stomach
clenches and thinks
of breakfast

cups of coffee
and newspapers
to argue over

our kitchen is
bright and clean
red gingham curtains
like the ones
little girls

dream of

scrubbed wooden
table and chairs

each with a leg
that needs to
rest upon
a book

I'll pass you the
milk and sugar

smile into
my cereal
bowl

tell you where
you left you
car keys

stand in the
doorway waving
you off to work

I reach down
through the black-
ness

to where I think
your blanket
is

searching for the
soft corner of
warmth

my fingers touch
nothing but
air

my feet are
freezing

I hear the clock
strike six

and wake
up

London glows with pre-dawn light,

I roll my cigarettes next to the river
and stretch my limbs out towards the sun,

I cannot get warm,
my bones ache with longing,
and there is a hunger in my stomach
that no amount of pills or food can fill,

the dull ache of depression is a familiar friend,
yet it is really the relationship of a parasite and its host,

and I am so tired of being bled dry,
of having the life ****** out of me by
the angry mouth of this monster,

whilst time keeps slipping away,
as I smoke and watch the water
ripple, moving further and further away
from me

pain is etched
onto my body
like a tattoo

it pierced the flesh
and left its inky
residue

on my skin
forever

I don’t know how it happened

I’m just so glad that

it did

tell me
do you miss me
at 4am
when the stars are screaming
and the moon is cold

tell me
do you think of me
when the ocean rolls
across the sand

tell me
did you love me
with your whole, bleeding
heart

tell me
tell me
I need to know

the ghosts in my head
are taunting me

calling out to me
in the middle of the night

all of my secrets
laid bare

I have tried to exorcise them

but each time
they return

laughing

refusing to leave me
in peace

they will haunt me
until I die

and join them

words are power

like “goodbye”

I watched you falling out of love with me

stuck rooted to the sidelines,
unable to reach a hand towards to you

(as if my hand would have changed your mind)

I became unstitched, skin and bones
shaking, failing, decomposing
heart shrivelled up and shrieking

you said, “just let some time pass.”
as if time ever heals anything

I will taste your betrayal, in my mouth,
like blood

I will remember you, behind my eyes,
until the day die

A morning scene dissolves around me;
blue skies pierced with delicate sun rays
The taste of coffee and cigarettes
rich on my tongue
I have been up all night again drinking
and smoking until the packet is empty
I promised myself I would not
grow bitter in my sadness
But once a seed has been planted
you are not in control of how it grows

we stood in the ashes

at the end of all things

silently,
we wrapped our fingers together

exchanging words without speech
a language of love, untranslatable to others

but we understood every note,
every arch and fall

the world around us had disappeared
yet here we were, survivors

withstanding the winter
of the universe

we were bodies on the ground
decomposing into the earth
into the soil where roots are planted
that grow and bloom and blossom
back into life

I thought the light in your eyes
was for good, so I never tried
to light it

like a depraved, wild thing
I ripped my heart from my chest
and slammed it on the floor

“there!”
I said!

do your ******* worst

for I am no longer tied
to all that once kept me alive

I will rise from the dirt
like a sunflower

growing, growing, reaching
for the light

There are demons within me
- nameless -
carrying a thousand words
of memory that I can
barely stand to contain

their weight makes me
buckle like an animal
whose load is far too
heavy for its back
to stand

and I am also, animal
prowling these haunted streets
of my mind, ever waiting
to pounce

in the night, as I am
falling asleep. Twisted images
and contorted words

they are all what remains, now
all, and everything

the stars dissolved
in your eyes
a hand lay over mine
and I was unafraid
of the darkness
that surrounded me
the wind whispering
silently through the trees
the ocean rolling away
the years that lay between
us and death

and yet, we slept
in that dark, windy night
like babies, in each others arms
knowing that the storm would come
and wash away every impurity on our skin
every blemish, every wrinkle
would fade

and we would rise from our beds, in the morning
clean again

I have shattered the bars of love
that have caged me all my life

each lover burning scars into my heart

their promises of love shining
like stars in my eyes

their gentle words of kindness
like a noose around my neck

and I hung myself with that rope

every time
another came into my life

but no longer will I be confined
by fake words

and fraudulent hearts

I will stand on my own two feet
and thrive like a root planted
in the ground

blooming into something
beautiful

We watched the dead roses
wither with the winter

our hearts turning cold and pale

our fingers locked together

frozen in time

when they find us

they will think we clung on to
each other till the bitter end

not knowing that the end was just

bitter

Every Autumn,
my grandmother would
sweep away the leaves
from in front of
her house

she believed my grandfather
was always watching, still
sitting in his wicker chair
chipped white paint
peeling away from the
wood

in the kitchen,
the smell of bread
rose, licking the
ceiling with its
sweet tongue

she still bakes,
hoping the dough
will stretch as far
as his fingers

through swept leaves
and breadcrumbs,

down to the very core
of the Earth

the very core
of her

We bask in winter’s glow;

watching the snow fall,
each white droplet filled
with the ability to heal

we drink hot, sweet tea
from steaming, striped mugs
each sip burning our tongue and eroding the bitter taste of last night’s arguments

Spring will come,
and the world will be reborn,
and our love reborn, too

but for now, we don’t need the sun

when the chill cleanses us of our harsh words, and the snow erodes our mistakes

I walk amongst the forget-me-nots
pale blue memories strike my core
as I take each step without you
kicking the dead soil of love
off the soles of my shoes

I have walked these shores,
until sand buried itself into the soles of my feet

like a parasite,

and you -
the reason for my nightly barefoot wanderings,

nested in my ear, too,
with all your whispers of “I love you”

a leech, ******* out my impurities,
but at the same time, the very blood and soul

of me

in my room,
littered with the wrappers of food
I stole and ate in secret

in my body,
unbrushed hair and puffy cheeks
playing a melody of loathing
on my flesh covered bones

in my heart,
wild with longing for excitement
and adventure. Untouched by
human hands, but not by human
words

I am the bitter root
of shame
the twisting torment
of guilt

and I pray every night,
but God closed his ears to me

long ago.

I am -
a woman of
science and skill

I am -
a collector
of facts and
absolutes

He is -
the anomaly

a cruel contamination

he says I
count and in
my mind I
imagine

not with my
head but my
heart

the rules of
fantasy are still
mine to learn

how far does it go?

does it
have edges?

I feel the edges
of his body blending
into the shape
of me

the taste of tobacco
of tea on his lips
that are now
my lips

I am -
a woman of
passion and
warmth

I am a woman
curled into the
crook of a man

by the skill
of your hand
(a gentle stitch)
my heart wrapped
itself around
you,
we became
entwined entities
of flesh and thread,

I soaked my feet
in the waters
that your eyes
bled,
become one
with your sorrow,
turning it into
art,

we healed by the drugless needle,
we healed by the broken thread,
we healed upon the canvas
of the love

perhaps the poem was deleted

in a frenzy of regret and rage

but words, once written

can never be truly

erased

like a starved dog
I will devour you
in an instant

without thought
or feeling

and in that instant
I will consume you
as the air consumes
everything around it

I will dissolve into
that air and become
edge -
less

so that where I end
and you begin
is merely a concept
long buried in
the murky swamp

where creation began

I watch you drown,
knowing that I could be
your anchor

I watch you sleep,
knowing that I could be
your nightmare

I watch you

I watch you

out of the corner of my eye,
I smile all the time

hoping you will never see,
the dark heart the lives

in me

**** fireworks

when I flinch at every

explosion

of my mind

scattering across the midnight

sky

my body trembling at every

blast

echoing back to the touch of

you

I once tried to love you,
but I have played this game
before, and know well enough
when I’ve lost

walking away would be kinder,
but I’m a glutton for punishment
and getting my heart broken
every day

when I roll over in the morning
and stare into your eyes, and
know you are staring straight
through me

but at least I spent the night
with the moon and stars, and fed
my soul a little, before returning to
this hollow love

I will **** you if I have to

to bury any evidence that I
once loved you

and God, I think it would be easy

to take a knife into your heart,
and twist it

as you twisted one into mine

I was fooled by your lies,
gentle tricks of the tongue
that came so easily to you

how I hate to be associated
with your wicked words

and to see the mouth
that uttered them, alive

Lord knows it would be easy

to drive a stake into your heart
and **** the vampire that ****** me dry

You are
the ****
on my
shoe

that doesn’t
even deserve
the respect

of being picked
up off the ground

cracks appear

when I look in the mirror

and see your face

reflected back at me

those ocean blue eyes

and whisper thin smile

it’s as if you’re mocking me

with your beauty

the beauty that left

my heart in

cracks

its teeth have sunk into my neck
like vampire fangs

bloodthirsty- draining the life out of me

unwashed hair, cold coffee,
wild, impenetrable dreams

I am at its mercy, once again

I cannot claim the he is unfamiliar,
every few weeks, he visits
through my carelessly left open window

and feasts,

he is the familiar beast
of darkness,

I do not know how to shake him off,

the pills don’t work
the ******* skills don’t work
(like the doctor’s say the should)

I’m just left with my familiar foe,
drinking my blood until I’m

.....empty

they ripple through me,
the undead, the broken, the cursed,
their voices strong as steel,
harsh as thunder,
dazzling as lightning

they like to think they are
an unbearable onslaught,
a tsunami,
a storm,

but darling,
I am the storm

reluctant arms
are still arms
to run into

empty words
are still words
to fall
for

hollow love
is still love

heartless -

I am caving
in

I have never felt quite as alive

as I do when your handprint covers my heart

containing and calming
its frightened bird beating

to a gentle rhythm of

safe, now

safe

We are the winter romantics

steaming mugs of hot chocolate
wrapped in striped sweaters

we find beauty in leaving our
footprints in the snow

trying to leave an imprint
of a hearts on the Earth

but Spring comes and we

thaw

there was heroism in your eyes

that night

as if you had taken the entire ocean
into your lungs

to be sure I did not drown

that you had breathed fire
from your throat

to keep me warm

that you had decoded the secrets
of the stars

just so we could take our place
amongst them

I loved you

with the waves of the ocean
and the flames of the fire

and my heart swelled to hold your hand
in the starlight

The only beautiful thing I have ever seen

is the reflection of my eyes in yours

(and you broke the mirror)

seven years bad luck

(for both of us)

It’s dangerous to love you,

a fire burning without end,
a sea rising, threatening to
engulf everything I ever
stood for

I am prey to to the voices
in my head, that whisper
in their dizzy innocence
of “love”

but to find it in you
will cause chaos in my heart,
my soul torn in two
as I choose between
the path of devotion
in the face of overwhelming
odds

or the path of
loneliness

You can pass my heart through
the eye of a needle

it has shrunk so much since you left

I am amazed that it still beats

still pumps blood through
my thankless body

the nightmare of waking back up
to this loneliness, each day

is killing me

and I pray for my heart to shrivel away to

nothing

and cease feeding me

life

My heart beats, still
although you're gone
life goes on

so they say...

but they never held
your hand in theirs

stroked your hair at 3am
when they couldn't sleep

I run screaming from this darkness
into the wild night

offering myself to the stars

"TAKE ME!"

I yell,

take me and put me amongst your heavenly light
I have no place on Earth anymore

now that the one thing grounding me to it
has gone

You are a lighthouse
leading me to shore

when the ocean tries
to consume me

you reach out your hand
and pull me up above

the waves

we will sit in the sand
building castles like children

a thousand pieces of glass
shattered but rebuilt

into palaces that we
can one day call home